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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send my child to pre-school

122 replies

Mamaty · 16/08/2019 00:47

Signed her up.

Will be over 3.5 when starting preschool -2 days a week .starting very soon

Totally backing out now .

She’s never been without a family member .

Saw in news about the nursery Paedophile who was jailed which hasn’t helped me in the slightest .

We know that she would love nursery . She’s toilet trained but has the odd accident .

Is she ready to go to nursery ? when we went to visit she didn’t want to come home .

Should I have a chat with her about her privacy etc .

Should I send her at all .I’m so stressed about it ! I have another younger one so could quite as easily keep her at home till she starts school ... we do out to play groups regularly together , but realise she’s very much in the minority for not having been to nursery ? Heart of hearts don’t want her to go , though OH is for it .

Any advice welcome

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 16/08/2019 00:53

Are you planning for her to go to school at the normal starting age? Or ever?

Original poster
Mamaty · 16/08/2019 00:56

lol of course she will go to school 😱

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 16/08/2019 00:56

She’s never been without a family member?
You can’t keep her locked away forever, it’s healthy for your child to meet other people, let her go to nursery and prepare for school.

Original poster
Mamaty · 16/08/2019 00:57

I suppose I’m worried about the obvious things parents worry about

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 16/08/2019 00:59

Don’t send her if you don’t want to.

Or try it and take her out after the first week if she doesn’t like it (I did that btw).

thecatinthetwat · 16/08/2019 01:01

She’s never been without a family member?
You can’t keep her locked away forever,

Why are you being so hysterical? It was perfectly normal not to use nursery until about, I don’t know 10 years ago? Jeez. It’s fine.

Original poster
Mamaty · 16/08/2019 01:02

Hi thecatinthetwat

When did your daughter then start pre- school ? Or did u send her straight to school the following year ?

OP posts:
ChristmasCarrot · 16/08/2019 01:04

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I'd let her go. It will teach her how to socialise better and may make some little friends.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 16/08/2019 01:04

If you want to keep her home, of course you can, you're the parent it's your decision. You can also bring her home anytime, it's not a prison.

But, making knee jerk decisions out of fear is rarely wise.

Take a deep breath and really think calmly about what your priorities are for her, then decide if this preschool supports you in those priorities right now.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 16/08/2019 01:06

You ABSOLUTELY don't have to do it.

But if the first time your child properly experiences these kinds of settings (where there are rules, the carers aren't family members, etc) is at the age of 5; then they are likely to find it tough.

In the kindest possible way, think about what your anxiety is. Don't make this about you. You say in your OP that she'd love it and didn't want to come home. Concentrate on that.

Kia123456 · 16/08/2019 01:09

I understand it’s hard to imagine them being without you or a family member, and to worry about how they will manage on their own. However, I really do believe they need some form of pre school to set them up for school. My DD just started school this week and was fine but saying she didn’t want to be without me for that long, and she is used to going to nursery for 3 hours in the morning. I can’t imagine how she would have felt starting school if she never had any experience of a pre school/nursery setting. Also, it has meant she already has a good circle of friends for starting school.

HugoAvril · 16/08/2019 01:19

My youngest is 3, in not sending her to preschool here, there is nothing local that I could put my trust in, and I have similar worries/daughter only been with family etc.
IV chosen instead to go to plenty of preschool aged meet ups and activities, giving her plenty of time to go off and play, but with the reassurance (for both of us), that I'm there.
I have 3 much older children, they did attend preschool, and I did look at local options but decided not to.

mingebags · 16/08/2019 01:20

You know she would love it but you don't want to let her go?

lyralalala · 16/08/2019 01:22

It’s worth keeping in mind that although it’s natural to be nervous the reason cases like a nursery worker abusing children makes the news is because it’s rare.

Children are much more likely to be abused or harmed by someone in their own home, or someone introduced to them by their family, than they are at nursery or school.

Topseyt · 16/08/2019 01:23

My parents were teachers. Many of their teacher friends were in early years education (primary school).

Every single one said that you could certainly tell the ones who had been to preschool from the ones who hadn't. The ones who had generally had a good head start on those who hadn't and were socially much better too.

No, you don't have to send her, but she would benefit from it and has shown you that she would enjoy it. Why not send her just a couple of mornings a week.

I sent my three as soon as possible. I looked forward to some peace and quiet on the mornings they were there and I could get stuff done/have a peaceful cup of coffee.

I don't buy into any "only family members" claptrap. Children have to learn to mix.

thecatinthetwat · 16/08/2019 01:30

When did your daughter then start pre- school ? Or did u send her straight to school the following year ?

She’s due to start school in September. I’m going to home Ed though tbh. Sorry, I guess that’s not very helpful.

thecatinthetwat · 16/08/2019 01:34

Every single one said that you could certainly tell the ones who had been to preschool from the ones who hadn't. The ones who had generally had a good head start on those who hadn't and were socially much better too.

You forgot to say, more likely to have behaviour problems.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 16/08/2019 01:37

It wasn’t perfectly normal to not use nursery until 10 years ago , even 38 years ago when I was young the majority of children started nursery at 3 🙄

If you don’t want to send her then don’t, although ifs she enjoyed going and you think she’s ready I don’t know why you wouldn’t

gluteustothemaximus · 16/08/2019 01:44

None of mine went to pre school, no issues starting school at 5.

BogglesGoggles · 16/08/2019 01:47

Children need to experience life outside of the home. It’s not fair on them to shelter them too much. Try it out. If for some reason she really doesn’t get on with it you can stop and start again at 4. If I’m going to be very frank though I think the person this would most benefit is you - it’s not healthy to be frightened of starting nursery at three.

Ilady · 16/08/2019 02:20

I think it's important to let a child go to preschool. It lets them mix with other children of their age and it helps them improve their social skills. They learn to share and deal with other people. It also prepares them that they will be away from you when they go to school.
Also the staff their are trained to work with children and can notice if the child needs a bit of help with speech ect.
I know you put your child in preschool one day and they enjoyed it so why not send them 2 or 3 mornings or afternoons a week.

edgeofheaven · 16/08/2019 02:47

It's your choice to send her or not but you need to get a handle of your anxiety at some point. Paedophiles don't stop after nursery. Look at Larry Nasser, Jeffrey Epstein - they went after teenagers. So you will be stressing about abusers and predators for the next 16 years and you won't have a choice to keep her home from school quite soon.

HennyPennyHorror · 16/08/2019 03:03

If you don't face your fears now it will be harder when she starts school. School has more expectations.

She'll be at a disadvantage. All the other kids will know about routines in a place of education. Coat hooks, set meal times, playing together. Yours will be getting her head around all that plus more...AND dealing with the stronger pressures which reception brings.

Userzzzzz · 16/08/2019 03:29

I think your being very unfair to your daughter. 2 days a week will help her enormously before she starts school and give you some quality 1:1 time with your youngest. Why are you so fearful about nursery but fine about school. At 3, it gives them so much and helps gets them ready for school. It must be a massive culture shock for children that haven’t been in a nursery environment now when most of their peers will have been.

TillyTheTiger · 16/08/2019 03:33

My DS has never been away from family either but he's starting preschool on Monday and he is so ready for it. He needs more stimulation than I can easily provide, he loves making friends with other children and he is fairly dreadful at following instructions and I hope preschool will help with this. I'm sure he'll come on in leaps and bounds and I'm really excited for him to start.
Safeguarding is such a hot topic now and all nursery staff will have been on safeguarding training - obviously the stories that hit the news are shocking and horrifying but I think you need to be realistic about the likelihood of anything happening, which is incredibly small. But talk to her about the NSPCC pants rule (there's a pantosaurus youtube vid too) as this is important for her to know for life in general, not just preschool.