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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send my child to pre-school

122 replies

Mamaty · 16/08/2019 00:47

Signed her up.

Will be over 3.5 when starting preschool -2 days a week .starting very soon

Totally backing out now .

She’s never been without a family member .

Saw in news about the nursery Paedophile who was jailed which hasn’t helped me in the slightest .

We know that she would love nursery . She’s toilet trained but has the odd accident .

Is she ready to go to nursery ? when we went to visit she didn’t want to come home .

Should I have a chat with her about her privacy etc .

Should I send her at all .I’m so stressed about it ! I have another younger one so could quite as easily keep her at home till she starts school ... we do out to play groups regularly together , but realise she’s very much in the minority for not having been to nursery ? Heart of hearts don’t want her to go , though OH is for it .

Any advice welcome

OP posts:
SirJamesTalbot · 16/08/2019 03:46

If its a pre-school attached to the primary school that your child is likely to go to, then yes, I would send her. My dc is a summer baby and started preschool at 3.2. It was only 2.5hrs a day but invaluable for making friends and seeing the school that they would be going into.

I also went to preschool back in the 1970s, they've been around for longer than you might think!

pinkroofd · 16/08/2019 04:10

@thecatinthetwat your poor kids 🤦‍♀️

Fatted · 16/08/2019 04:21

If she's going to school at 5 and it's a nursery attached to the school, I would send her now. It's not full time. She will enjoy it and benefit from it.

My attitude was they have to go sooner or later, so they may as well get used to it from early on. It's easier to gradually phase them in at 3 and a half to nursery where they are doing part-time hours and not doing anything too intensive. Rather than throwing them in at the deep end of full days, homework and reading every night etc in reception and year 1.

Meant with kindness, you cannot wrap up your child in cotton wool and protect them from the big bad world forever. All you can do is give them the tools and information to protect themselves. As others have said, people are more likely to be abused within the home.

isabellerossignol · 16/08/2019 04:32

I don't think it's a huge deal to be honest. I'm in my 40s and never went to pre-school or nursery school and it was only years later that I discovered that loads, or maybe most, of my contemporaries did. There was a nursery school attached to my primary and with hindsight loads of my classmates already knew each other when we started P1 but I was oblivious (and I was far from being a confident child). And school is much less formal now, so settling in would be easier these days.

Personally I would send her because she'd probably enjoy it but it's not a disaster if you don't.

Skittlesandbeer · 16/08/2019 04:43

Be aware that preschool serves an important health function too. The first year is hard, the kid picks up every illness going, and passes it to you and your younger kids at home. Their immunity has a lot to deal with. By the second year it’s mainly abated, and the kids are set up for life among others.

Understand that this has to happen eventually, isn’t it better that it not happen at school, where they miss out on a whole lot of learning and all the other important routines of school life?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 16/08/2019 04:52

I don't think a formal preschool is necessary but from about 2.5 -3 I've really noticed the social side of development kicking in with my DS and most of his peers. He wants to play with other children, initiate games etc. I think playgroups etc are really good for kids this age to start learning social rules about how to play with others.

So I don't think preschool is necessary itself, but I'd certainly want to do at least a couple of biggish playgroups each week, where you aren't hovering over her but can sit & chat with a cuppa while she interacts with the other kids.

And practise school readiness in other ways at home - toileting independence, getting into & out of her clothes (for PE), eating with cutlery. Have other kids over for tea etc to experience eating meals with other children same age!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 16/08/2019 04:55

Also if your daughter enjoyed it I would definitely want to send her. Lots of kids really thrive at that age in a part time preschool, it's a lovely mix of fun with other kids and time with family.

Zoflorabore · 16/08/2019 05:01

Hi op, it's easy for me to say send her as my first born is now 16 and due to start college next month but honestly the positives far outweigh the negatives.

I also believe that the dc who have been in some kind of pre-school setting have a head start, if not educationally, socially.

They learn to make friends, take turns, share, have quiet time, listen to instructions, learn new skills etc etc etc.

My other dc is now 8. She went to a nursery first and then a pre-school. She learned more than I thought and it was during the meeting with her new reception teacher that I realised how important this was.

She said that they expected children to be able to dress and undress for PE, be able to use cutlery properly and to be able to go to the toilet independently. I assumed quite wrongly that everyone would be shown this at home but apparantly not. It is within settings such as pre-school that children really flourish socially and emotionally and they do basics such as writing their name etc.

Ultimately it's your decision. Make the right one for your dd and not for you. She will be starting school in a year and be away from you for 6 hours plus a day. The transition is easier if they're used to being apart. It's only 2 days, you will still have so much quality time together.

Good luck whatever you decide Flowers

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 16/08/2019 05:06

It's fine for her not to go to nursery. You are perfectly capable of making sure she is socialised and stimulated in other ways, as long as she's out and about doing activities and groups with other children. It's entirely up to you whether or not she goes to nursery. Where I live it's quite normal for children not to go to nursery. We have higher home schooling rates too.

The thing that worries about your post is that you have said that she really liked the nursery and didn't want to leave. It sounds like you think, deep down, that this is what's best for her, but you are backing out of it now because of your own anxiety. That isn't fair to your DC. Try and put your own fears to one side and have a think about what is actually best for her. If that's nursery then don't stop her from going just because there was a peedo in the news. There's always scary stuff in the news. Be cautious, but continue with normal life.

Mrscog · 16/08/2019 05:06

I didn’t go to pre school and was totally attached to my DM, i has barely been apart from her. I found starting school totally traumatic and I think it’s left me with issues even now where deep down I feel anxious if I can’t contact her/if she’s on holiday etc.

You’ve actually left it quite late, please send her!

I had both my children in full time nursery from one as a result of my experience.

Nautiloid · 16/08/2019 05:23

You don't have to send her.
However, my concern is that you're just delaying all these worries until this time next year, at which point they may well feel even worse.
If she's never been without a family member, she will learn to do this at preschool. She'll learn all the routine based stuff like how to find her peg, how to function in a classroom environment, how to ask a non-related adult for assistance, how to deal with children she doesn't know well etc.
This will prepare her for school.
I would try to start her when term begins, when lots of children will be new.
You don't have to send her full time and you can pull her out down the line.

randomsabreuse · 16/08/2019 05:49

My DD is an August girl. Could have been September if I'd been overdue...

Started preschool (part of local primary) at 3. Loved it - was an overtired mess at the beginning of term after preschool but had really got her stamina by the end of the year.
Hoping it will make school easier - should do as she will be in the same classroom with the same TAs and 1 teacher the same!

Would definitely do a year of school preschool, will have to consider if DS will do a year or from 3.

sheshootssheimplores · 16/08/2019 05:52

I can still remember preschool. I absolutely loved it. My DS2 equally adores his, loves his friends and his Carers. Why wouldn’t you want your child to have a great time somewhere and prepare then for school?

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 05:57

2 days a week sounds like a good introduction and as you say she’d enjoy it. I’d let her go.

user1480880826 · 16/08/2019 05:59

Give it a chance. She will probably love it. You can always take her out of you decide it’s not what you want. I’m guessing it will also be free.

RicStar · 16/08/2019 06:09

I think you should try it as she is all signed up to go but I dont think it is definately necessary. Dd really enjoyed her year but ds I dont think got much out of it at all - he is a july birthday and just was not ready to make friends or learn anything at just 3 based on a few hours a week in a busy classroom.

Gre8scott · 16/08/2019 06:57

I work in a preschool nursery we are the same as school! Actually i knew far more about my daughter life when she was at nursery schools like the secert service.
The kids love nursery and it gets them ready for school

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/08/2019 07:01

Sounds like you want to keep her home for you and not her. Said yourself she would love it- let her thrive!

CottonSock · 16/08/2019 07:02

I'm not sending mine, but not because I'm worried about the things you are. It does seem a bit extreme op, are you anxious? My dd2 attends a private nursery 3days and will stay there until reception age.

Fucket · 16/08/2019 07:08

I asked the reception teacher whether all the children starting had gone to preschool. I didn’t know whether to start my youngest or not at preschool, the elder two had gone to playgroup, but the one they went to had closed down and I was nervous of a formal preschool. She told me that only one child in the current year group had not gone to any preschool/playgroup prior starting school and therefore was like a complete fish out of water. Maybe 10 years ago there might have been an even split, but this child was struggling to adapt to sitting in a class with 30 kids and one teacher and a TA.

At preschool they learn about school rules and to use the toilet alone. They even do some phonics if they are ready (usually following the scheme they will do in reception).

Also my youngests primary school is doing away with the settling In sessions now, which most of us parents found a pita. 3 weeks of half days, now it’s just 3 days and straight into full time. I am sure it’s because the children have all been to the preschool.

If your child enjoys it and is ready then don’t hold her back.

sweetheartyparty · 16/08/2019 07:09

I'm in my forties and never went to pre-school but I used to have my poor Mam in tears as I hated going to school and begged to come home. I struggled with making friends in my school life and it wasnt fun.
My daughter who started nursery at 1 is the polar opposite to what I was. She makes friends everywhere.
I definately would send her. It sounds like she enjoys it and it's a great opportunity to learn how to socialise without you

BeanBag7 · 16/08/2019 07:13

Why not do it for a few weeks as a trial? She will probably love it but if she doesnt you could want a few more months.

You say shes never been without a family member but when she goes to school, she will have to be away from you 5 days a week. Wouldnt it be better to get used to that gradually and in a setting where it wont affect her education?

Incidentally my daughter is 2 and a half and has never been in childcare, is always with me or a family member or family friend for occasional babysitting. I know she will love preschool and I think it is important for her social development to go. I take her to plenty of toddler groups but at preschool she will get the chance to socialise without me there.

stucknoue · 16/08/2019 07:16

My dd went to a local sessional preschool in the grounds of the primary run as a charity for mornings only. Only a couple in her (school) reception class attended formal all day nursery/preschool and a couple nothing at all - they did struggle a bit

Userzzzzz · 16/08/2019 07:18

I’d also say I have a comparison as I’ve got mine in nursery 3 days and home 2. I do lots of reading, ceafts, baking, activities like gumnsdtics etc but she now misses her little friends on home days and needs the social stimulation. I kept her in nursery during mat leave as she’d have been miserable at home all the time.

Nabana · 16/08/2019 07:22

YANBU

I personally think 4 years old is ridiculously young to even start school. Pre school is totally unnecessary, except as a safe place for the child of working parents.