To not send my child to pre-school

[Mamaty]

Signed her up.

Will be over 3.5 when starting preschool -2 days a week .starting very soon

Totally backing out now .

She’s never been without a family member .

Saw in news about the nursery Paedophile who was jailed which hasn’t helped me in the slightest .

We know that she would love nursery . She’s toilet trained but has the odd accident .

Is she ready to go to nursery ? when we went to visit she didn’t want to come home .

Should I have a chat with her about her privacy etc .

Should I send her at all .I’m so stressed about it ! I have another younger one so could quite as easily keep her at home till she starts school ... we do out to play groups regularly together , but realise she’s very much in the minority for not having been to nursery ? Heart of hearts don’t want her to go , though OH is for it .

Any advice welcome

I really struggled sending ds. He'd never been away from me, he was a traumatic birth and I'd struggled to bond with him for a long time. By the time we got his preschool place, I didn't want him out of my sight.

He cried a lot on going in which made it harder but they kept sending photos of him playing happily which helped. He's 4 and a half now and will being going back 5 days a week after the summer as we're in Scotland.

For us, I think it was especially important because he'll be going to a small rural school with a class of 14ish and they all go to the preschool. He already has a couple of really good (for their age) friends who will be in his class, they see each other out of preschool too for playdates/football classes etc.

In the end, I realised that it was my issue not ds's. He's a very confident happy little boy and I think preschool has helped with that because it's encouraged him to be independent (in an age appropriate way) and us to let him.

I was put into nursery school a couple of days a week a lot more than 40 years ago by my (ex-teacher) SAHM.

This is not a new thing.

My DD struggled to settle into pre-school initially but then loved it once she got used to it, and started Reception no problems because she was used to being in that kind of setting. The preschool also did a lot of work with the DC around 'school readiness' once they got to their last term, talking to them about what it would be like, having little assemblies and even taking them to the local primary school to look round. They also did things like taking them to a local farm, had someone come in to do music lessons, did Forest School, tried out different sports, had a BBQ in the summer and put on a little concert at Christmas etc so she had a lot of lovely experiences there. I believe that my DD really benefited from preschool. It helped her to become more independent, she made some lovely little friends who she then went up to primary with and she was so excited to start school because, in her words, "it will be like pre-school but for big girls and boys!"

Instead of thinking about how difficult it will be for you to relinquish control you need to think about all the positive experiences you could be denying her if you don't.

OP my mother didnt want to send me either. I went to school when I was just gone 5.
As a result I was - and still am - a nervous wreck with going anywhere I dont know.

Please dont do this to your daughter.

The reason the government invest in free hours for every child is because 10 years / 30 years ago, when fewer children went, they were starting school unprepared, and their early years education and that of other students suffered as a result. Parents, at a population level, aren’t good enough at preparing their children for schools so need professional involvement.

I wouldn’t think think twice about sending her and think she’s already quite old for it, and that 2 days a week isn’t even enough. My children thrived in private nursery full
Time though.

She went and she loved it. She’s at the age where she can interact and play games with children her own age now, she will really enjoy seeing the same children every week and there will be a range of activities that will be hard (and expensive!) for you to provide at home. It’s a hard first step, I totally get that, but it’s part of having children: they grow up and need to start taking steps away from you, however small.

I would send her. I think it’s a lovely experience for them. Both of mine have gone from 1 and I think it’s been wonderful.

I wouldn’t worry about her safety. Preschool is probably one of the safest places a child could be, where strict safeguarding measures are in place, everyone is DBS checked, etc. That’s not the case for the people in your family, your friends, their partners and the rest of the world though and you can’t isolate them forever.

In our case, our dc have had an amazing time in nursery....and it was my MIL’s partner who everyone loved and we thought was a nice trustworthy person who turned out to be a convicted paedophile! (Thankfully, our dc were always safe). But you can’t go through life wrapping them in cotton wool.

Op you need to deal with your anxiety for your child's sake.

As a child care provider we have had children attend our setting later (the term before starting school) and it’s very obvious that their personal social and emotional development hasn’t developed appropriately. They are usually confident to speak to adults, but often have absolutely no idea how to interact with their peers. As a mum, I totally understand your fears surrounding strangers caring for your child, but the vast majority only have your child’s best interests at heart, it’s a shame that we all get tarred with the same brush. It’s a job that’s done through love for the children, not for the pay!

I would absolutely send her. Although reception is fun, they do expect more of them and there is much more structure than at Pre-school. Pre-school is where they can start to get used to these things, gain more independence, socialise, make friends, develop in so many ways... My little girl loves it, she has grown in confidence and learnt so much cool stuff. I think it's pretty daft to turn down free childcare which will also help her in many, many ways.

To me, it's not about whether she has to go to playschool or not (experience would seem to show that plenty of children thrive either way).

It is about a more general question about how you balance your anxiety against her chances of experiencing fun things.

After all, the risk of a nursery worker being a paedophile is very slight. You take bigger risks with her life every time you put her in a car or even cross the road- and presumably you do at least one of these on a regular basis just to take her out for fun. Everything in life comes with a risk. But you recognise, quite rightly, that little humans also need some fun.
So the questions to be resolved are:
a) what are the risks?
b) what are the positives?
c) is there a reason I experience the risks as greater than they are for some external reason (e.g. lurid media reporting which wouldn't be applied in the same way to some mundane, but actually more dangerous activity like driving your child to the woods)
d) is there a risk that my susceptibility to scare stories could go on and hamper my child's chances of getting new experiences, and if so, is there something I could do about it?

Thanks for all of your comments which have been very kind and helpful

Thanks for all of your comments which have been very kind and helpful

You’re so welcome and all the best for the future :)

If you don’t want her to go then don’t send her. None of mine went to any sort of pre school or nursery. I dint work so there was no need. They start school far too early in this country as it is. My eldest is now 20 and the others are teenagers. All settled well into reception with jo issues.

As an ex teacher, it's beyond worth it for building vital social skills, learning social norms, group dynamics, emotional intelligence & independence. It's also a massive help in the transition to Reception being smoother & less daunting. The nursery will probably let you stay for an hour if you have concerns or she gets overwhelmed at first etc. If she can fully comprehend the boundaries & privacy chat, I'd do it.

If you need preschool to prepare for primary school, what school should they go to, to prepare for preschool?

It has to start somewhere. It starts when you feel your child is ready.

As a mother of 8 children, do what you feel is right for your child and circumstances. If your child wants to go then great! If you don't like the idea and child is unhappy don't send them! Don't be swayed by other people!

I think this is great advice and I'm a Nursery Nurse 🙂

I’m 46 and went to pre-school nursery and my kids are 10 and 13 and both went.

OP I’m not minimising your fears but the cases you are talking about are uncommon and the ones I recall have involved smaller babies and toddlers who weren’t talking yet and needed nappy changes.

That said I have 2 kids the eldest did great in preschool but the youngest hated it

It’s free hours of childcare so parents need only pay for a childminder for a half day instead of full day

When I used CM that was not how they worked. You had to pay for a full day because they were responsible for the child even if you managed to negotiate a late start at work and go in once you’d done nursery drop off. When mine were getting their preschool hours my CM got paid a full day as she could hardly take another child the few hours they were in nursery

I have anxiety - my advice is to go to the doctor about your's or she will also grow up anxious. I was sexually abused as a child - and I didn't have anxiety about sending my children to nursery - they started going at 11 months. Don't chat to her about privacy - you will give her unnessary anxieties. Nursey is important for children's social skills and its also important for their preparation to attend school. And I just don't mean the academic side of things - the discpline and structure. One thing my mum friends realised when their children started school is any of the children in a childcare where they provided a home from home environment struggled in their first year of school - school was much more structured. The children who went to nursery and had experience of basic things such as using 'public' toliets, hanging up coats, sitting down for lessons, putting pencils away etc etc found the transition easier.

You have your reservations, although if you wait till school, then you'll have the same worries about that.

As a compromise, make it two mornings if you can, so DC can check it out, you can even loiter, although sometimes it doesn't help at all.

I would say the benefits of nursery are around the idea of structured activities, getting children ready for school, getting them aware of both working in a group & solo. Learning boundaries as it were. You can say oh DC gets this at home, it's totally different in a nursery environment.

You don't have to use the free hours, I think you'll do what you think is right, as is every parent has the right to. Best of luck.

I would give it a try OP. You can always change your mind if she isn't happy there.