To be scared to death that my OH is seriously ill?

[maz2003]

My OH developed what looked like an eye infection the week before our twins birthday in March. He refused to do anything about it that week but halfway through their party decided to seek advice from the pharmacy (leaving me to deal with the party.)
That was 22 weeks ago.
His whole right face is swollen as is his nose. The swollen area is very red sometimes verging in purple. He has seen his GP ( not the same surgery as me) and she has been consistently hopeless. He has had no blood or labs done. He is a smoker ( smoked 30 a day for 45 years... he is 58). He told her he quit 6 years ago but he didn't.
He has been seen by ophthalmology who say it's not an eye issue. They refused to say what they thought it was. They suggested dermatology. It's taken 8 weeks to get a dermatology appointment.
I am very concerned that this is very serious, however he is old school and thinks the GP always knows best.
I recently betrayed his trust by showing pics of his symptoms to a friend's husband who is a well regarded ENT specialist and he tried to help by suggesting how he could be seen at ENT quickly but my oh is insisting the GP knows best.
AIBU to try and speak to his GP? Is this just unethical. We have 3 young kids and he is a stay at home dad (retired). The children wouldn't do well without him.
I am very scared.

Several massive rows laters no movement. I wrote the the GP, there has been no acknowledgement of this. The dermatology appointment is now next week so I don't suppose anything is going to happen between now and then. Its not how I had hoped the laying bare of the reality of how the children might cope without him was going to go, however it is what it is..... depressing really.

That sounds v tough. I think all you can do at this point is wait, and hopefully the dermatologist will be rigorous and able to refer him down the right pathway if the problem turns out not to be skin related.

Will you be at the dermatology appointment?

You've tried as best you can for his sake & your DC's.

@HMArsey - I have offered to drive, but as usual declined. That said he has a folder of photos that show quite nicely the extent of the problem. At this stage I am grateful for small mercies.

Something the dermatologist may wish to consider with a facial rash is an autoimmune disease, such as Granulomatosis with polyangitis -
Only way to confirm this is with blood tests, scans and biopsy..hope he gets some answers and investigations as soon as possible

@Stopyourhavering64 I had a look at this as one of my friends has GPA. He has some of the symptoms but not all, but I think it's a possibility. Thank you for this suggestion. X

I’m really sorry OP. I guess one more week isn’t that much given how long this has been going on. Do let us know what the dermatologist says. Best of luck.

Update:
He saw dermatology. He was in for precisely 6 minutes. Was diagnosed with rosacea. Was given another antibiotic ( another tetracycline type, this is now the third oral version) and antibiotic gel.

No explanation was given for the fact his right face swells to something akin to the elephant man when lying down or the numbness in his eyelid. Still no bloods, imaging or labs.

OH accepts that it was a pretty unsatisfactory appointment however will take the meds and do nothing more.

I could actually weep, only I am too tired. There is sadly illness elsewhere in the family that has developed and it's sadly more urgent.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

Beyond frustrating! Sorry to hear about the other business too.

Just googled rosacea eye swelling images. Nasty.

Sorry you're facing more difficult times. Be kind to yourself too!

@justasking111 if it looked anything like rosacea I would be delighted but sadly his whole head is pink/purple and 1/3 larger than normal. I did a before and after shot for him to show to the dermatologist. I am not sure if he did... but I can't see any aspect typical of textbook rosacea apart from a few broken blood vessels that he has had for 15 years.

Would he go for an eyesight check at an optician in the meantime? I know it's not ent but if there's any pressure change, etc caused by a tumour they may pick something up.

@SleepyKat his eyes were checked by ophthalmology twice. He has no vision change. Ophthalmology are quite satisfied this is nothing to do with his eyes.
Which was confirmed by the ENT who says it's an ENT issue... but I can't get him to ask to be referred there...
I wrote and spoke the the GP and she won't do anything unless I confess to him that I have contacted her. Which is blackmail in my book. I wonder how the GMC will view it?

Maybe she wants to speak to him about what you brought up, but because it came from you, she needs him to have a heads up?

I think the GP is probably right then, they cant do anything unless your DH goes back and says he’s not happy with a dermatologist plan and that an ENT friend has said he needs an ENT referral.

So your dh needs to do this, I don’t know what you can do though if he refuses. It sounds like you’ve told him bluntly that you’re worried, etc.

Really I think it might be time to tell DH that you are no longer prepared to put up with his utter selfish pig-headedness, and that if he cares so little about you that he won't even humour you to ease your (justifiable) worry, he can consider your marriage over. Sounds harsh but he needs a massive boot up the arse.

Start asking funeral homes to send literature to him. A pile of junk mail like that might give him pause for thought.

I did ask this before is there anyone in the world that he would listen to take heed of? If so approach them to talk to him.

It clearly isn’t dermatology or ophthalmology related from what you’ve explained OP. My money is still on ENT and this must be so hard for you. Unfortunately, if he does have some type of ENT cancer his window of opportunity for any curative treatment is fast slipping away. I appreciate he is probably scared but he is being so incredibly selfish when he has a wife and young children.

In my OH's mind he thinks he is being super compliant as a patient. Going to appointments, taking his medicine and doing as he is told. I have said before he believes them to be experts and he isn't for challenging them even though he himself feel this isn't just a dermatology issue.
As for the GP... I actually despair. If she had got her referral correct we wouldnt be in this outrageous position.
I am perfectly at liberty to see her/write to her with info about her patient. She told me that herself before she started making her referral conditional on my telling him. It's her professional choice not to act on it.
For a doctors treatment to be contingent on the behaviour of a third party ( I am not even a patient at that practice) is absolutely unbelievable.

How bad would it be to tell him you contacted the GP?

Would it really be worse than the situation you’re in now?

My goodness, I'm sorry you're going through all this.

Could you have a conversation with the practice manager about the GP situation? Maybe it's a miscommunication of some description or maybe it's wrong, either way that could offer resolution.

How frustrating for you

@TatianaLarina yes it would be infinitely worse.