To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

[Josephinaphia]

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

It's a feminist issue. The argument about being owned by your dad assumes you have your dad's name this is definitely not always the case. But you don't get to choose your name at birth. You do get to choose your name (& taking someone else's) as an adult.

It's outdated and I honestly cringe when I see on Facebook perfectly sensible women with good jobs talking about changing their name to Mrs husband's name.

Because despite marrying him, I actually really don’t like him.
Got what you wanted? Good. Now do one.

1. When we got married I was already in my late 30s and was known professionally by my own name.

1. My own name is rather unusual and is often commented on favourably, his name is probably the most common surname in the UK.

1. I saw no reason to change it, it never even crossed my mind. I know some of my colleages are Ms Maiden Name in their professional capacity and Mrs Married Name in their private capacity, but I just couldn't see the logic, and couldn't be bothered changing all the relevant documentation.

1. So I didn't.

I kept mine, as I didn't want to or felt I should change it. My ds has my name, so no problems there. It wasn't a big feminist issue at the time but in the unlikely event I get married again, I would still not change my name and this would be more due to my increasing feminism as I age

What's more interesting to me is they way that even asking the question as to why other women made the choice they did is interpreted as hostile as judgy. Ain't necessarily so - it could just be genuine curiosity.

How lovely it will be if we get to the point where everyone can get on with making the choices that suit them without feeling they need to justify or explain them, and without judging others who made a different choice.

Didn't want to I'm not a chattel.

I wasn't that keen on my surname and some family members with the name. My husband did offer to take my name (we wanted to have the same name and children to have same name. Our choice) but it wasn't a big deal to me so I changed it. Lots of friends were surprised as 'you're a feminist' - yes, I've exercised my right to choose what to do.
Have some friends who combined their surnames to make a brand new name which was cool but did not work for our names!!

I kept mine because I am the last of my line. The children have mine to ensure I am no longer the last of my line. I couldn't give a toss about other women's surname choices.

We double barrelled. I didn’t like dhs name particularly. He didn’t want me to have his name that much. We have no ties to his name as it’s foreign, he’s foreign but from a different country. I suggested we merged the names as they sound good together. Dd likes my half of the name better atm. She can do as she chooses when she gets older / if she marries.

Mainly a feminist stance. I hope expecting women will get rid of their perfectly functional name and take the same name as a man they marry will die out. I imagine if it did women in the future will look back with incredulity that this happened. Slaves used to be known by their owners names. As for our children, they're double barrelled, I fully expect that if they have children just one of those names to be handed down.

@BuildBuildings 's outdated and I honestly cringe when I see on Facebook perfectly sensible women with good jobs talking about changing their name to Mrs husband's name.

That is very judgmental of you. I am a ‘sensible woman with a good job’ and I changed my name to my DH surname for several very personal reasons that wouldn’t be evident to someone on face value (although I’m not on Facebook - probably because I’m so sensible I don’t waste my time on a social media site cringing at other women’s decisions when I know nothing about their situations.)

Because I like my name better
Because it is my great grandmother's name
Because I do not want my own history to be subsumed by that of my husband's family.

Because I matter JUST AS MUCH as he does.

I like it when I see women have given their dcs their name. They did all the hard work afterall. Traditionally children get their mothers name, not fathers. Just usually they were married and had taken their husbands name first.

Well the simplest option is for both people getting married to keep their own surnames, so we did that.

I'm slightly puzzled as to why anyone would do different, unless they are trying to conceal a shady past or something.

I did take my husband's surname but I did think about it quite a bit. My reasons not to are my maiden name is just as much my name as his name is his, for me it isn't obvious that I should be the one to change name. In my case he refused to change his name but said he didn't mind what I did. I liked the idea of the family sharing the same name so I changed. I did consider double barreling or making a new name but our names didn't work very well with either scenario. Both surnames are boring common ones so there was no interesting name to preserve either way (although his reason to not change was to continue the family name even though it is a super common surname)

I'm one of the non name changers but I must admit, where I live and the people I've known through my life.. it is the norm to change it. Even all the young 20s and 30s couples I know. They just don't know any different. I feel unusual until I come to mumsnet!

We aren't married, but we've discussed that I'd probably keep my name. My first name is a fairly dull and very common name, while his surname is very common as well.
My surname on the other hand isnt super common, I've only ever encountered family and two celebrities with it.
If I had a middle name I'd probably consider taking his, but since I don't, I'd feel like I'm losing my identity.

Think if someone called Jane Diamantis married someone with the surname Doe. Being a real Jane Doe isn't a terribly appealing prospect.

Because it's my name. I didn't become someone else when I married, so why would I take a different name from the one I have?

Because I married later in life and couldn’t be bothered to change everything

Because why would I?
My name I was given at birth, I don't need to change if I decide to have a relationship with someone.
My children have never asked why I have a different name to them, before we named them we decided to give them his surname as it's a slightly nicer name and I have several siblings so the name will continue with them whereas his would not. We were going to name one his surname and one mine however I had school labels with his surname on so stuck with that.

Husband no.1 - changed my name, mainly cos it was the done thing then, 35 years ago.
Husband no.2 I didn't want to change my name, but as I was still using my 1st husband's name hubby no.2 would rather I changed it. So I did.
When hubby no.2 left for OW I changed back to my maiden name by deed poll. What a faff changing it everywhere again.
All DCs use their dad's names, although DS10 is double barrelled in some places, cos she wanted to be....can't do it officially though cos her dad won't let her.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing....I should have never changed my name.

In fact, I should have never got married!

What's more interesting to me is they way that even asking the question as to why other women made the choice they did is interpreted as hostile as judgy. Ain't necessarily so - it could just be genuine curiosity.

Here we find the root of many an in-law spat or power tussle between such issues as attachment parenting versus Gina Ford, BF versus FF, SAHM versus WOHM, MyName versus Hisname; on and on ad nauseum. It's because, for some reason, when people see other people adopting lifestyle choices that run contrary to their own, they see it as a personal affront.

Hence people online devoting screeds of text online to justifying their own lifestyle decisions to complete strangers, or likewise asking for the endorsement of complete strangers. Hence my own MiL's persistence in addressing me as Mrs Hisname despite numerous requests to stop. What they see is not someone who's made a different choice to fit their own preferences and circumstances, but someone who is shouting at them: 'you're wrong!'

It's all bllx. My choices are my choices. I don't intend to justify these and don't require anyone's approval. Other women's decisions are likewise their business and it's not my place to ask them to justify these.

This is why 'asking the question' - or more accurately, the language in which the question was phrased - is being perceived as judgemental.

@AnnaSteen re social media that's nice for you, I use it professionally, but I'll waste all time I want cheers. Also who's being judgemental now eh?!
I'm fully aware it's judgemental and I don't give a shit. I strongly believe in living by your morals and beliefs. So many people don't or don't think about the message their actions gives. You may have personal reasons for changing your name. But it makes you look like you're subservient to a man. You might not personally care about that or think it is untrue. But it does women no favours in the world trying to be treated equally.

Just going against the grain. I LOVE taking my husband's name!
And I even go so far as to be Mrs JustHisName.
So if he were named Ben Smith, I would love being called Mrs Ben Smith.
My greatest pride is in being his wife - I get a buzz out of the name thing. I think it's romantic!

He doesn't care, and took my maiden name as a middle name when we got married, so we technically took each other's names (it was too long to double-barrel).

A few people I know haven't taken their husband's as they say it's an outdated tradition. I could respect this if it wasn't for the fact they happily wear and show off expensive diamond rings.

I wonder how many of the people who have posted here saying it's an outdated tradition are wearing engagment rings?