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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

593 replies

Josephinaphia · 15/08/2019 15:22

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

OP posts:
Bbang · 15/08/2019 17:16

Our kids are doubled barrelled as we aren’t married yet, we’ll be changing their names to just his when we get married and I change mine. I’m only changing mine as my maiden name is stupidly long and difficult to pronounce and spell and my fiancé’s is four letters and super easy lol. If my name wasn’t so difficult that might make me think twice about changing but I’m not sure why in all honesty.

3timeslucky · 15/08/2019 17:16

You ask why wouldn't I change my name to his but I'm more inclined to ask why I would.

It was my name. Regardless of what line it came down through it was my identifier for 37 years. His name is his. I couldn't and can't see any reason why I'd swop my perfectly good name for his (equally good) name. It never crossed my mind (or his) that either of us would change our names.

All the children have my surname so they don't have to wonder about me having a different name from them. And they seem to be doing just fine not having his name.

With the increasing number of blended families and the range of options from retaining name to changing name to double-barrelling name there must be few enough cases of 4.4 people living under one roof all with the same surname. The more variety there is the less there will be the expectation of a single naming convention.

colourlessgreenidea · 15/08/2019 17:16

No posting history. Lazy journalist? Hmm

randomchap · 15/08/2019 17:18

My wife changed her surname when as she wanted to distance herself from her awful father. Her mum had already reverted back to her maiden name, and her sister had changed her name to her mother's maiden name.

She spent a long time deciding whether to change to my name or her mother's maiden name. The thing that swayed her decision was how her full name sounded. Her name and mother's maiden name just didn't flow nicely together.

There's hundreds of reasons that women may or may not change their names, why judge?

drsausage · 15/08/2019 17:18

I wonder how many of the people who have posted here saying it's an outdated tradition are wearing engagment rings?

No, I don't have an engagement ring.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/08/2019 17:19

Because my husband had a foreign name that's impossible for British people to spell

Because having a different surname to my kids doesn't make me any less of their family. They like having 2 surnames (my surname is their middle name)

No it doesn't bother me when strangers assume I'm mrs husbandsname, it does annoy me when family call me that as they know better

Because I have a very common first name so I'm always known as first name surname or at work mainly just surname so to change it would change what everyone calls me when they are speaking to me

Because if it's just a name why shouldn't men change it or both change to a new one. Why is the mans name more important than the womans.

Because Mrs husbandssurname is my MiL

Because I couldn't be bothered with all the work changing bank passports driving license etc

Because I dont pronounce it properly (apparently!)

Because I had loads of men ask me what my new name was going to be and then say things like 'I wouldn't let my future wife do that!' and it pissed me off enough to think I had to take a stand and challenge this old fashioned sexist attitude

Because I like my name it's a common name from whereni was born that I no longer live and helps me feel a connection to it

Because I thought for most people other than sexist men mentioned above it was no big deal and wouldn't be commented on ever again. How wrong I was!

Thurmanmurman · 15/08/2019 17:19

I took my husbands name and I kind of regret it, I think I just didn’t think about it at the time and accepted it as the norm. I love my husband but wish I’d kept my maiden name and double barrelled the DC surnames.

Doobigetta · 15/08/2019 17:20

Haven’t read the whole thread, so apologies if I’m just repeating what others have said.
I’ve just changed my name after getting married. I thought long and hard about, and changed my mind several times, but eventually thought, nah, fuck it, just do it. And the minute it was “official”- when I received my new bank cards, I massively, bitterly regretted it. Because:

  1. It’s a huge fucking administrative pain in the arse
  2. I don’t recognise myself- on paper, when I hear my name called out- I just forget it’s me.
  3. In the same vein, I give people my old name all the time and then later forget which one I’ve used and it makes everything messy and complicated
  4. My in-laws are making a big deal of it and it’s irritating
  5. I haven’t changed it at work, I was absolutely adamant that I was not going to do that because of professional reputation and network of contacts built up etc, and because my marital status is just not relevant at work. But I informed my HR department that outside work I now have a different name. They are currently insisting that I’m “not allowed” to do that, and I must change my name at work. Obviously they’re wrong, and it’s probably covered by the Equality Act or something, but it’s still going to be yet another massive ballache I could do without.

All in all I have come to the conclusion that changing your name is a fucking stupid idea. If you haven’t done it yet, benefit from my experience and don’t bother.

KateUrrer · 15/08/2019 17:21

I love jewellery, a ring makes sense to me.

Maybe to others it wouldn't. It is all (to me) relatively trivial really.

Baguetteaboutit · 15/08/2019 17:21

It's an outdated tradition and I don't have any rings on my fingers. DH was welcome to switch his surname to mine when we got married but he seemed as attached to his name as I was mine.

Rubicon80 · 15/08/2019 17:21

@siring1

A few people I know haven't taken their husband's as they say it's an outdated tradition. I could respect this if it wasn't for the fact they happily wear and show off expensive diamond rings.

I wonder how many of the people who have posted here saying it's an outdated tradition are wearing engagment rings?

I don't wear an engagement or wedding ring.

I also didn't wear a wedding dress.

Hth

NeverSayFreelance · 15/08/2019 17:21

Mamma Mia here we go again.

  1. Because I like my name. DP's name is nice but it's not my name.
  2. I'm not owned by my dad. I'm not owned by anyone. This is MY name. The name I was born with. It belongs to no one but me.
  3. We don't want kids so that entire argument is irrelevant to me.
  4. My degree is under my name. And if one day in the future I progress further with my education, it will be my name. I wouldn't be Dr Husbandsname. Why should he have the credit? I am Dr Me.
  5. It is MY NAME.
Iggi999 · 15/08/2019 17:21

Yeah, I didn't like to comment on the OP's apparent lack of thinking skills, but if she is a Daily Mail journo that would make perfect sense.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 17:21

I do wear one and I like it - it was my choice as was keeping my name

We both had wedding rings (until his flew off feeding the ducks)

berlinbabylon · 15/08/2019 17:22

If I married Mr Pratt I wouldn't be rushing to change my surname to his.

Or even if it were Smith - a bit too many of them around.

But totally agree with this: I object to women having to do a shit-ton of admin that men don't have to do because they got married

But I did change my name because my husband has a nicer surname than my maiden name.

Whatsername7 · 15/08/2019 17:23

I tried it, I just didnt like it. When our kids came along I put DHs surname as my name on my passport so that I wouldn't have any issues traveling with my kids without dh. However, my known name is my maiden name.

Rubicon80 · 15/08/2019 17:23

@StrawberryCupcake111

And I even go so far as to be Mrs JustHisName. So if he were named Ben Smith, I would love being called Mrs Ben Smith.

You've literally completely erased your own identity. Why does that make you happy?

My greatest pride is in being his wife

Really? Confused

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2019 17:25

“There's hundreds of reasons that women may or may not change their names, why judge?“
Yes there are several reasons. However, hanging on to sexist, patriarchal traditions is one of the less acceptable ones.....

nocoolnamesleft · 15/08/2019 17:26

It's so important to clearly convey that the woman has gone from being the chattel of her father to that of her husband.

FFS.

bookworm14 · 15/08/2019 17:27

Slow day in the newsroom, op?

drsausage · 15/08/2019 17:27

Thinking about other wedding traditions...

I didn't wait to be proposed to. DH did not ask my father's permission.

I made a speech at our wedding, as did my mother.

No one gave me away.

We paid for our own wedding.

I didn't have a bridesmaid. DH had two best men.

No bouquet toss.

No garter. No veil.

Jimdandy · 15/08/2019 17:28

I did take my husband’s name because he already had 2 children with his surname with his ex.

If I’d have married someone with no kids I would have kept my name and our children would have my name too

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/08/2019 17:29

Re. the recent cobblers about rings.

I have no desire to hide the fact that I'm married. I wear my wedding rings with pride (as does my DH). I still reserve the entitlement to my name - not one I've 'borrowed' temporarily from a man - and the right to be a wife as opposed to an adjunct to someone else's identity.

The bizarre question: so if you didn't want to be MrsHisname, why did you bother getting married?- is still the one that amuses me the most. And yes, I've been asked this outright; as well as received the suggestion that I didn't 'respect' my husband. I'd suggest it's people such as this - not those who simply want to retain their individuality and fundamental identity after marriage - who don't actually have a clue what being married means.

It's really not too difficult to grasp.

FloraMerry · 15/08/2019 17:31

Because my family name is very old and is linked to a lot of history...think along the lines of Percy.
My DH’s surname is in the top 4 in the UK.

I didn’t want my family name and history left out of my DC’s names by just going for DH’s plain run of the mill surname.

TooManyPaws · 15/08/2019 17:37

As a Scot, why should I change my legal name and end up with all the crap on legal documents like 'Jane Smith or Jones' when I could just be 'Jane Smith' with no aliases?

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