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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

593 replies

Josephinaphia · 15/08/2019 15:22

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

OP posts:

Musmerian · 15/08/2019 16:37

Yawn. Because it’s my name and it’s a very old fashioned idea imo. Children couldn’t care less that they have a different surname and it’s really caused me no problems apart from people who are clearly stuck in the 1950s who think it’s strange.

verticality · 15/08/2019 16:38

I'm an academic and many, many women I know have kept their name.

For me, it's a feminist issue. I wanted my wedding to be a happy occasion. For me, as someone who has worked on divorce law in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, to take my husband's name would have been to reference, and thus import, a series of extremely unhappy references to the suffering of many, many women of the (relatively recent) past. I did not want their spectres haunting my wedding, it would have been a real downer.

RiftGibbon · 15/08/2019 16:38

I have my name, DH has his name, DC has both.
I was quite happy with the name I already had.
Unless you have a name you dislike, I see no need to change it.

whattodowith · 15/08/2019 16:38

I don’t like my DH’s surname, he knows this. Our DC have both names so it made sense to keep my surname otherwise it’d be like ‘why do we have your maiden name in our name but you don’t?’. I could have double barrelled it myself but I didn’t want to. I teach so found it simpler to keep my name.

Tangfasticharibos · 15/08/2019 16:39

I did keep my maiden name but I don't know anyone else in real life who didn't change their name when they got married. Everyone thinks I'm a bit weird.

It really baffles and even offends some people doesn't it?

I know a few people who kept their names. I remember at high school, I must have been 12 or 13, my French teacher telling us one day that she's got married. We were all confused as to why her name hadn't changed. We asked her and she just said she hadn't changed her name, and that women didn't have to change their names if they didn't want to, simple as that.

I don't think that as a child, it have ever occurred to me before that.

Pinkybutterfly · 15/08/2019 16:40

Spanish have two surnames dad's and then mother's one.

Hithere12 · 15/08/2019 16:40

OP would you do a thread asking why men don’t take the woman’s name??

It’s something I’m sure people will look back on in 200 years and cringe at the sexism of it.

ChilliScallops · 15/08/2019 16:41

I didn’t change me name because I simply didn’t want to. It’s my name. We decided if we had a girl first that she would take my husbands name and if we had a boy then he would take my name. We had a girl first.

It really isn’t an issue. It doesn’t mean that you are “more” of a family. I have the same name as my dad and am not particularly keen him!

It’s my name so why change it. I asked my children recently if I should change it to be the same as theirs, they both said no.

OnlyAHeartbeatAway · 15/08/2019 16:42

We merged our names. It doesn't make anything stupid or crazy. I had done a deed poll many years before so my surname was already of my choosing. DH's surname didn't really feel like me. So we both merged, start of one, end of another. When we had kids they had our name.

If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
I choose my surname 20 years before meeting and marrying DH. It's a really good name.
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Haven't had my Dads name for many years.
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
We all have the same name.
Do your children question why you have a different name?
See above.
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan?
Couldn't be arsed with double barrelling, and it didn't sound right anyway. Our merged name is brilliant.
When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
The DC can do what they like with their name. When we gave them their names (all of them) they were theirs to do with whatever they wanted.

MyFavouritePlace · 15/08/2019 16:42

Because I already have a name. There's never an issue with me having a different surname to my DH with the kids.
It doesn't bother me if people address invites etc assuming I use DH surname.
Really don't get the angst!

Luxplus · 15/08/2019 16:42

Because its my name and because I live in a country where its perfectly normal to keep own name. Kids have my name...
And btw my surname is my mothers surname...

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 15/08/2019 16:43

I took my husband's name because at the time I got married I really wasn't aware of the history of why women are expected to take their husband's name. I wasn't established professionally when I married either. I think, however, if I was getting married as the person I am today I wouldn't have changed it. I do like that I'm harder to trace from my past though because I've changed my name.

BlingLoving · 15/08/2019 16:43

i have to admit, I'm one of the few women I know in real life who haven't taken DH name. I do find it frustrating. And like coming on MN where there are so many of us! . One of Ds' friends has a double barrelled name and his parents have both kept their names. But I think that's it in my broader circle. A few of my sister's friends have kept their names and I do get frustrated because none of the ones who have are women I like.

littlewriggler · 15/08/2019 16:43

What's really interesting is why we feel the need to have a family name in the first place. There is no law that says we have to pass on a name to our children. You can give them any name you like. You could give each of your children a totally different last name, the same way we do with first names. Do people really need to have the same last name to know that they're related to someone? And in the modern age, I can't think of a single reason why it's useful to have the same last name as your child, other than for future genealogists (and they can just check Facebook archives!). I don't have the same last name as my child and it's fine.

yeahokright · 15/08/2019 16:43

This subject is so boring although I too wonder why people are so touchy about it OP. My dad and husband have treated me like a queen so inequality has never been an issue. I changed mine because I wanted to be united in a family and wanted my kids to have the same surname. I was sad to see my surname go but love my new one and saw it as a new chapter in my life.

user1469292281 · 15/08/2019 16:45

@StCharlotte I'm the exact opposite! I hardly know any women who took their husband's name and I'm fairly ancient (late fifties).

KateUrrer · 15/08/2019 16:45

Same surnames can be an issue taking children abroad.
That is the only issue that springs to mind.

KateUrrer · 15/08/2019 16:46

I should say having different surnames might cause an issue.

prettybird · 15/08/2019 16:46

Thinking of my friends: my best friend didn't change her name (like me, she had an unusual foreign name even though, like me, she was Scottish, plus, as a doctor it would actually have cost her to change her name on the General Medical register), SIL changed her name back to her birth name when she divorced and changed her kids' names to it too and even though she has since got married again and had another kid, has kept that name, even for the ds with her new dh, so that he has the same name as his siblings. I've already mentioned the friendn with children with a totally different name to both parents.

I've come across quite a few people at the sports club where I do registration where the mother doesn't have the same name as her husband (not that I assume that they are married ) - and she may or may not have the same name as her children.

ColaFreezePop · 15/08/2019 16:47

I have my name. My child and DP have double-barrelled. Simply because his name is nearly as common as mud and mine is unique.

littlewriggler · 15/08/2019 16:48

Same surnames can be an issue taking children abroad.

And I guess that's only because it isn't usual to have different last names. If it were more common, they could change children's passports to include "parent's names" based off the birth certificate and it would be a non issue.

AnnaSteen · 15/08/2019 16:48

I think the simple answer to this question is that a surname is symbolic and the changing or not of said surname is based on reasons unique to the individual (now that women have that choice!!!). As you can’t know each woman’s decision for changing or not changing their surname it is pointless even discussing the OP’s original post and her assumptions about why you might not are stupid (the whole inferiority thing..)

OP I changed my surname for several reasons unique to myself and myDH situation. You never explained why you yourself didn’t keep your surname when getting married? What were your reasons for taking your husbands name?

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2019 16:48

“This subject is so boring although I too wonder why people are so touchy about it OP. ”

I’m not touchy about it. I am frustrated by the utter stupidity of all the “but it’s your dad’s name” “my name was hard to spell””won’t tgT mean quadruple barrelled names in the next generation “ posts. I just wish people would “think”!

Journobourno · 15/08/2019 16:49

I kept mine because it’s my surname. My husband kept his because it’s his surname. I don’t think either of us considered even for a moment changing our surnames to each other’s.

Simkin · 15/08/2019 16:49

Because I didn't want to and it's none of your business what I call myself?

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