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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

593 replies

Josephinaphia · 15/08/2019 15:22

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/08/2019 16:25

Funnily enough, I don't know a single woman in real life, who kept her maiden name. And this includes teachers, nurses, GPs, librarians, admin assistants, shop workers, solicitors, business owners, therapists, receptionists, cleaners, psychiatrists, dentists, mechanics, military women, stay-at-home-mothers, physiotherapists, farm workers, farm OWNERS, and more.

Well, that's you. In my profession, women changing their names is not the norm. There very few in my orbit who have actually done it.

My name is not my 'maiden' name (blech). Nor is it an indication of my sexual status. It's my name.

Original poster
Josephinaphia · 15/08/2019 16:26

Thanks again for replies, lots have made me laugh! Some are a bit unnecessarily mean I feel, people get so angry!!
I think part of my OP has been misconstrued by some, I was not trying to say that your maiden name shows that you are owned by your dad, what I was trying to say was that in the same way your maiden name doesn’t mean you’re owned by your dad, neither does your married name mean you’re owned by your husband. If you are suggesting that changing your name to your husband’s signifies that he owns you, surely by that logic your birth name signifies that your dad owns you? I don’t think either signifies either!
A lot of people saying it just didn’t occur to them, I guess that’s just the same as me really, it didn’t occur to me not to as it was what I had always known as ‘the norm’.
With the double-barrel thing, I appreciate the kids will be able to choose their own, make up a new name etc., my point was that they won’t have the specific option (that you chose as being the best option) which would be to keep the name they were born with and hyphenate it with their spouse’s. Because then it would be at least triple barrel (quadruple if said spouse also had a hyphenated name).
I like the idea of girls keeping their mothers half and boys keeping their fathers half (is that what the Spanish do?) but as someone else said, might make family trees a bit confusing!

OP posts:
youmaynowchangeyourname · 15/08/2019 16:26

Ha despite my username I kept mine because it’s my name and I’m lazy. I don’t judge people who do otherwise. I didn’t want to change my name and always figured I could do so at a later point if I changed my mind.

HappyParent2000 · 15/08/2019 16:26

My partners name was so much cooler than mine but they insisted we had mine..

I was annoyed!

Whoop 10 years today tho Grin

MumbleLumble · 15/08/2019 16:27

I did keep my maiden name but I don't know anyone else in real life who didn't change their name when they got married. Everyone thinks I'm a bit weird.

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2019 16:28

@Josephinaphia Why do you think women should change their names?

bluebluezoo · 15/08/2019 16:29

My question is was it ever brought up that your husband would change his name to yours? If not, why not? Same end result, your family all has the same name.

I don’t get why that is never discussed. Until it is, things aren’t equal.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 15/08/2019 16:29

Because I've already got my own name.

Lunafortheloveogod · 15/08/2019 16:29

We’re not married but I know if we did tie the knot I’m keeping my own name.. taking his would give me the same name as an “adult” actress, not what you want to pop up if someone Google’s you. And it sounds like a fake name.

It’s only a word at the end of the day.

user1469292281 · 15/08/2019 16:30

Due to a very complicated family set up, my surname is different to my mother, father, step-father, husband and children. It's an unusual surname and not particularly nice (!) but I've had it since birth and it would never occur to me to change it. My children are young adults and it has never been a problem.

littlewriggler · 15/08/2019 16:30

If you are suggesting that changing your name to your husband’s signifies that he owns you, surely by that logic your birth name signifies that your dad owns you? I don’t think either signifies either!

It's just a ridiculous argument because nobody ever suggests that men are owned by their dads by having their name. Men get to have their own names and women just borrow them, apparently. But that isn't true, you're given a name at birth and that is now your name, whether you're male or female. My last name doesn't "belong" to my dad any more than it belongs to his dad or his dad or his dad... it's mine now.

irregularegular · 15/08/2019 16:31

Why wouldn't he take yours?
Actually I did take my husband's surname. There were reasons why that made sense in our case. But I certainly didn't see it as the default.

SimonJT · 15/08/2019 16:32

I almost got married a few years ago, I was going to take my partners name as it’s nicer than mine and professionally they are known by their fullname. Now I have a son and I wouldn’t change my name completely but would want to double barrel as I want my son and I to have the same surname.

GruciusMalfoy · 15/08/2019 16:32

I like my surname and wouldn't change it for anyone. It's not my father's surname, it's another family name I chose for myself when I was 18, and I can't see why I'd want to change it after marriage.

Tangfasticharibos · 15/08/2019 16:32

I think part of my OP has been misconstrued by some, I was not trying to say that your maiden name shows that you are owned by your dad, what I was trying to say was that in the same way your maiden name doesn’t mean you’re owned by your dad, neither does your married name mean you’re owned by your husband. If you are suggesting that changing your name to your husband’s signifies that he owns you, surely by that logic your birth name signifies that your dad owns you? I don’t think either signifies either!

You really are talking yourself in circles here. I didn't have any say in what my parents named me when I was born, or where the name originated from, or what they or their parents before them did. However, I had no desire to change my name simply because I married a man.

I like the idea of girls keeping their mothers half and boys keeping their fathers half (is that what the Spanish do?) but as someone else said, might make family trees a bit confusing!

Google is your friend here

Micah · 15/08/2019 16:32

He didn’t change his, so i didnt change mine.

Simple.

NoMrsLevinson · 15/08/2019 16:34

It is rather amusing when someone talks about how MNers get really annoyed about women who take their husband's name then throws in a few digs herself, obviously not motivated by any base emotions at all! Dear me.

OP if it helps, think of it as you limiting your children's options because you're not allowing them the choice of the Spanish model. We all take certain options away from our children when we make choices on their behalf. It's just an innate part of the process really.

StCharlotte · 15/08/2019 16:34

Funnily enough, I don't know a single woman in real life, who kept her maiden name.

Me too. Even the hot shot city lawyers where I used to work took their husbands' names.

Actually I do know one. Sort of. She's an office manager (in a firm of four!) and she kept her name for work and for dealings with her elderly father. But otherwise she uses her DH's name. I've heard her get in a right pickle when she tries to remember which name to use...

To be fair, her maiden name is absolutely lovely so I can see why she would have kept using it and her married name is a bit comedy.

mindutopia · 15/08/2019 16:34

I did change my name because I wanted my dh’s name more than the one I had been stuck with all my life. But I imagine it’s much the same, because they like it.

I didn’t mind my maiden name. There was nothing wrong with it. But it was my dad’s surname and I didn’t really like him that much and he had been dead 12 years by the time I got married. I’m not super close with my mum either (and anyway she had remarried and didn’t use either her maiden name or mine). I literally knew no one who had the same surname as me.

So it actually felt very feminist to get to choose a new one and be part of a family that shared my name for pretty much the first time ever! Otherwise I’d be stuck with a name I got from a man who really has never been a real part of my life. I have no sadness for my old name and don’t ever think about it. But it is nice to share my name with the people I actually consider to be my family.

KateUrrer · 15/08/2019 16:34

The obvious response , to me anyway, is why would you?

There is no clinching argument one way or the other in my opinion.

Rubicon80 · 15/08/2019 16:35

If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)

Because it's my name.

If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?

Why is it my dad's name? presumably it's his dad's name. Or in fact his dad's dad's dad's dad's... name. And your husband's name isn't his either. It's your father-in-law's name. Or rather your father-in-law's father's father's father's... name. Or is it only women who don't own their own names?

Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?

My children are double-barrelled. And no-one calls me Mrs DH's surname.

Do your children question why you have a different name?

Different from what? I think children are capable of understanding that mummy's name is mummy's name and daddy's name is daddy's name.

With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?

What of it?

And yes, it's a feminist issue. I get the impression that's a slightly dirty word to you.

SimonJT · 15/08/2019 16:36

Hit post rather than preview.

My cousin got married recently, they double barreled their surnames.

RosaWaiting · 15/08/2019 16:36

I agree with the poster who says a son is never questioned about keeping any parental name

But not everyone has a fathers name. One friend’s husband pissed everyone off by getting worked up about names after they got married. But my friend had already changed to her mother’s name when her father left and it meant a lot to her to keep it.

There are a million reasons not to change a name. Ask on a men’s forum OP, find out why they wouldn’t take a wife’s name.

DerelictWreck · 15/08/2019 16:36

disagreeing with taking the man’s name on principle cause he’s a man and it’s 2019? Which is fair enough if that’s your way of thinking, each to their own!

Each to their own of not being sexist?! What a weird outlook on the world Confused

Yabbers · 15/08/2019 16:37

I only changed because his was better than mine, otherwise I’d have kept it.