To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

[Josephinaphia]

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

I did change mine. His was easier to say and spell but is also memorable and makes people smile. I like his family and was happy to become one of them in name. It made sense for me that we all had the same name (dh and children) as we don't all look the same and names are an important way if broadcasting your relationships to the world, especially for adopted children. I don't feel anything either way about other couples choices, but am slightly saddened to read that I am so negatively judged for my decision to change my name.

I'm not married, but there are many cultures where one wouldn't take her husband's surname. If you're marrying into a family with one of these cultures, you're more unlikely to take his surname.

I doubt I'll ever marry, but if my husband-to-be had a God awful surname, even worse than my own, I'm sorry, but no.

I was excited to change my name! I love it now and have no regrets. I've been married 10 years. I only know one person that didn't change their name after marriage, everyone else I know changed surname.
Not saying that's right or wrong but I loved it! My maiden name was Smith 🙈😂

I like my surname. Funny how to some people it’s my dad’s whereas my husband’s surname is his, and not his dad’s. No one has ever really explained how that one works.

Our children have both our surnames. If and when they have children of their own, or marry, they can do what they like. Why on earth would anyone care? What possible difference could it make?

It was a marriage not an adoption. Plus my professional qualifications are in MY name.

@Adoptthisdogornot

It made sense for me that we all had the same name (dh and children) as we don't all look the same and names are an important way if broadcasting your relationships to the world, especially for adopted children.

My husband and I are of different ethnic backgrounds. He's white British, I'm not. Our kids look a mixture of both.

People walking down the street, and indeed many people we know personally, have no idea what our surnames are.

I don't understand how your surname broadcasts anything unless it's written on your jumper?

I have a professional reputation under my maiden name, so it's easier to leave it as it is. I don't care if anybody assumes I'm unmarried and I don't care if anybody calls me Mrs DH-Surname. It has never caused any confusion that I'm aware of.

I have a perfectly good name of my own (and yes, it's mine, not my fathers, any more than DP's name is his father's), I don't want to do all the paperwork.

One of our children has his surname, and one has mine - it's not been a problem at any point.

Frankly I can't see why anyone would change their name given all the hassle it is. It only seems sensible to me to keep the same name through my life rather than muck about changing it partway through adulthood.

How do you legally change name and yet keep your maiden name professionally, doesn't that get complicated? Or is it like basically not telling anyone professionally you've changed your name?

The most striking thing to take from this thread is how much some onen judge others for the choices they make.

Many of these women claim to be feminists then do the most un feminist thing of looking dowm on other women for the choices they make - ironic really.

Many of these women claim to be feminists then do the most un feminist thing of looking dowm on other women for the choices they make - ironic really.

Not every decision a woman makes is a feminist one. Criticizing a choice someone makes isn't the same as criticizing a person.

“Many of these women claim to be feminists then do the most un feminist thing of looking dowm on other women for the choices they make - ironic really.”

Being a feminist does not mean agreeing with and supporting everything another woman does.

The most striking thing to take from this thread is that some people want their own facts as well as their own opinions.

Because I like it. My husband changed his surname Smith to his mum's maiden name as he preferred hers so that was another reason. My daughter has my surname. She can do what she likes if she gets married.

Lots of reasons.

I live in a country where it is not possible to change your legal name on marriage.

In our social circles it is also unusual to change the name you are known as.

I am an academic and it is professionally important that my early papers should be associated to me.

The children have both names and will choose whether to pass on two, one or none to their own children.

I didn’t even consider changing my name. Even as a teenager it struck me as an incredibly odd thing to do.

My surname was given to me at birth, as was my first name. Yes, it was my father’s surname but it became mine at birth. The origin of my surname is insignificant to me, my parents could have given me any surname, the fact remains that once given it became mine.

My dh didn’t even consider that I would change my name for one second, he knew who he was marrying!

What many women do, it seems to me, is keep “their” name, but then still agree to give the children the DH’s name. Apparently this is more “feminist” than all the family having the DH’s name . But what it essentially boils down to is that you still keep your father’s name and the children get their name through their father too. This is what happens in some Asian countries.

And yes, your father’s name is not “borrowed” and yes it is “your” name too in the same way as it’s your britber’s name, before anyone says “no it’s MINE!” etc etc etc. I’m talking about the fact of the patriarchal origin involved in how you came to receive that name in the first place.

My DH and I have very distinctive surnames, very much of their cultures: think something like O’Brien and Singh. I don’t think either of us would have felt right expecting the other to adopt the others’ distinct surnames. The children have been given sort of cross-cultural names to reflect both without clashing. I’ve said on name threads before that it was hard to do, so I get pissed off when people ‘copy’ my kids’ names. If my husband demanded I took his name then I wouldn’t have married him.

What many women do, it seems to me, is keep “their” name, but then still agree to give the children the DH’s name. Apparently this is more “feminist” than all the family having the DH’s name hmm

Have you missed the many, many posters here who have either given their children their (mother's) surname, or double-barrelled?

I'm one of them. I would never have given my children their father's surname only.

You seem determined to distort or distract from the basic fact that many women are making real changes & actively refusing to continue the patriarchal traditions.

For instance, I have a friend from a country in Asia. Her marriage was arranged when she was 19. She still has her father’s surname. She explained this to me as, in her culture, a child is always the property of the father and must bear and honour that name, even in marriage. So she has no right to have the same name as her own children and husband. Even though she gave birth to those children, they have her husbands name and can never have hers because she has to honour her own father, while they become his property and must honour that patriarchal birth name throughout their lives.

So keeping “her” own name is not particularly feminist, as far as she’s concerned.

I really like my maiden name. It’s that simple. It’s quite unusual and distinctive and I knew I would always think of myself as that name even if I went by my husbands. My children do have his surname. I’ve given each of them my grandmothers maiden names as their middle names.

Do you also come from that unspecified Asian country, @Rethymnon ?

Nor do I.

Fair enough Rubicon. I’m not talking about you personally, or anyone else who give their children “their” own name. But still, there are many women who keep their own name while the children get the DH’s. I know of quite a few..

Actually DH comes from a county not unlike that Rubicon, and I come from another country too. I’m just trying to explain that there can be different perspectives on this. For instance, to us it’s probably more “breaking with tradition” to all have the same name as a family.

@Rethymnon what you were doing is trying to deny and discredit the feminist actions of a woman who keeps her own name but gives the children their father's name.

The reality is that any woman who breaks with the expected, imposed patriarchal traditions, to whatever extent she feels able to, is doing more to support feminism, equality and other women, than someone who follows the 100% conventional, patriarchal path, and then tries to argue that black is white In order to somehow pretend it's a feminist act.