To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

[Josephinaphia]

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

It’s only 100% conventional path in the UK though, Rubicon. In many other parts of the world, changing your name wouid be more if a statement of freedom of choice.

It literally didn't cross my mind to change my name. It's part of my identity and ties me to a specific part of the UK and a family that I'm proud of. I had a successful career on marriage and changing my name would have been a pita on that level too. Why on earth would I do that?

My son has my husband's name and very occasionally it gets confusing - but nothing that ever makes me wish I'd changed my name to his.

Can't believe we still have to talk about this. It's 2019!

I’ve written this so. many. times. The stupidity is actually unbelievable.

OP: why do you think when I use my name I’m using my dad’s name, but if I were to be using my husbad’s name I’d be using his name? You surely have the basic intelligence to see how illogical this is. Why is my name actually my dad’s, but my husband’s name is his? It’s his dad’s name too, surely? If your ‘thinking’ holds true, my choices are either to use my dad’s name or my FIL’s.

Can you think of any reason why you might imagine that a woman never really owns the name she uses but a man does?

Combination of reasons:

1. We don't have kids and possibly never will, so don't see the point in having the same last name.
2. I have a foreign first & last name, my husband a British first & last name. We didn't think either of us adopting the other's surname really sounded right, nor did double barrelling.
3. At the time we got married I was going through the process of becoming a British citizen. Keeping my maiden name felt like a way of staying in touch with my cultural heritage.
4. I have made a name for myself in my profession, changing my surname would be a hassle.

In short: my name is/feels a part of who I am in multiple ways and I don't see a reason to give it up.

My husband and I don't have children together but we do have children each of our own.

Mine had double barreled names from me and exh, now husband's children have his name.

Mine have dropped their dads as he remarried and they didn't want the same name as their step mum so I kept my maiden name when I remarried for the same reasons - I don't want the same name as his kids and not mine.

Also, I changed it once, never again. Also my surname is fabulous and I'm very proud of it.

I always cringe a little when I encounter a family where the children have a different surname to the mother. Because the children ALWAYS have the MAN'S surname don't they??? (In real life that is, not in the parallel universe of mumsnet!)

Me and DP aren't married but DD does have his surname. If we got married, I wouldn't change it because I like mine (chose it when I was about 8 years old as it's not my birth surname). The reason we have DD her dad's surname is because her father is the last person in his family with the surname - his siblings have different ones and so do all the cousins etc, so if DD didn't take his surname it would have "died" with DP. My chosen surname is shared with three of my cousin's, so I didn't feel the need to pass it on.

DDs first name is a bit "different" and my surname is also a very common English surname and it made her name sound a bit mismatched too.

Dp will take mine but that is because his is awful, I wouldn't change mine anyway and he sees it as a good opportunity to get rid of the horrendous double barrel his parents thought was a good idea.

I'm not married but when I was about 11 I saw post addressed to Mrs Peter Green (not real name)

I asked my mum who that was and she said it was her, when you get married she said, you take your husbands name.

It seemed so wrong, her identity subsumed by my Dad. They weren't even happy!

I remember thinking, I'm never ever going to do that.

When DD1 was born DP just started calling her by his name and said no. I gave birth, I carried her and gave up wine, French cheese while you consumed more of both. She will have both our names. I explained why, the history, my feelings. He was not happy.

We got engaged and then he said,now we can all have the same name. I said no again, we can double barrel, both of us. He again was really unhappy and asked me about the rest of my family, all of whom took their husbands name, same with the children. I said it's not about them, it's about me and he says it's about him, what will everybody say!

He then had a rant about feminism.
I pointed out that due to me assuming no man has to provide for me I had put all the money down for our house and he hadn't put down a penny.

We never got married. Phew.

In my daughter's class, only one other child has both parents names. They are married.
The rest, including the unmarried all have the Dad's name.

I am in the minority and this is London.

I just didn't want to
Simple as that

In many Islamic cultures, there is no tradition of automatically taking your husband’s name in marriage. This is seen as a more Western practice. I know of one woman who added her husband’s name to her father’s, but now that she’s in the UK she tends to drop the father’s name. She told me that this, to her, was a kind of symbol that her marriage was not arranged by her father. It was a “love marriage,” so her changing of her name, to her at least, is an expression of that more modern choice. Her older sister did have an arranged marriage back home and still has the father’s name.

If you kept your name, what were your reasons? It was my name.

If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname? You have to start somewhere.

Do your children question why you have a different name? No.

I curl my lip at women who change their names. Inwardly, because I am polite.

Do you curl your lip at children who have their father’s names too?

My surname is already double barelled, we've had it in the family for over 300 years.

My name Dr / Ms 1stsurname - 2ndsurname
His name Mr Smith

Why would I want to change? But then, why would he want to change?

So, neither of us did....

I have 3 sisters:

1 got married, didn't change her surname, her daughter has our 1stSurname - 2ndSurname
1 has a baby with her long term partner, they gave their son the name 'Fathers surname -2nd Surname' and BOTH have changed their surname by deed poll.
1 is living with her long term partner and has already had the discussion... they've both agreed to go with 'Partners Surname - 2nd Surname.

I have my Dads name, he has his Dads name, he has his Dads name etc.... but 300 years ago, we have the surname of a woman and a man

Double barrelling really doesn't cause any issues at all if you're not married or living with a misogynistic wanker and can have a sensible discussion............

I curl my lip at women who change their names. Inwardly, because I am polite.

Probably the same reaction I have to people who think they are somehow better than others that have made a different decision.

I am a feminist. There are choices women can make which are non feminist. I feel no obligation to support them in those choices, however much I support them in other areas of their lives.

That doesn't give you the right to judge them and think you are superior. If you think it does, you might be a feminist but it wouldn't make you a very nice person.

You do come across as though you look down on them though.

I wouldn't curl my lip, but I would be genuinely surprised if a British PhD academic colleague in the arts and humanities or social sciences changed her name on marriage. I don't mean by that that I would be sitting in judgement on it - I just mean that it is just not something I would expect someone in that demographic to do these days, so it would surprise me, in the sense that if they told me, my first verbal reaction would probably me a slightly surprised "Oh!!".

People have many reasons for changing their name. You and others always sneer at mine and make snarky comments about how strange it is that only women have names they hate with the implication that we are lying. I know which sort of person I'd like to talk to and it's not the judgemental idiots.

You do come across as though you look down on them though.

Because she, and the others, do.

I think of myself as a feminist DH and I didn’t marry and I had no intention of taking his surname. The DC had his surname though (his is better than mine). I started working in their school and they asked for me to be known as Mrs DH surname then they wanted me to have the same surname as them so we have a very small wedding with just some witnesses and our DC. So it wasn’t to have the same name as DH but for us all to have the same family name.

We both changed our name, I wonder what your take is on that OP...

“That doesn't give you the right to judge them and think you are superior.”

Do you think all choices are equally valid?

Do your children have your name Bert? Did you take your fayher’s name or your mother’s?

Sorry, pressed send too soon. I don’t think I, personally, am superior.(is that grammatical?) I do think that in this case, I have made a better choice. Which is different.