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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

593 replies

Josephinaphia · 15/08/2019 15:22

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

OP posts:
CornishMaid1 · 15/08/2019 17:38

I took DH's name. We wanted the same surname, DH didn't really want to change his, I didn't mind changing so I did (also all the women in my family who had the same name at one stage all got teased over the name in the same way at school whereas you can't do that with DH's name).

I know a lot of women who didn't change their name for some of the reasons you have said. Some because they like their name, some because they did not want to hassle and some because they did not see a reason too (I have seen that more for people who married later).

I also know women who didn't change their names because of their professional career - mostly because they have that name known but for one doctor I know, her DH was also a doctor and they worked together so it was easier for her to keep her maiden name to prevent confusion. I know other women who have both - maiden professional name at work and DH's name as married name in private.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2019 17:39

There are reasons I could give, but bottom line: why would I take his?

I’ve got one.

Ineedtoknowit · 15/08/2019 17:40

I totally get all the reasons for wanting to keep your own name but I don’t get the double barrelling thing for kids at all. It’s jist passing the problem down the line to them. If they then get married and have kids are their kids going to have 4 surnames?

SomewhereInbetween1 · 15/08/2019 17:41

My husband took my surname because mine was objectively cooler Grin

changinguser · 15/08/2019 17:42

@Smellybluecheese

Agree.

But Spanish people have two surnames, they can choose which goes first, mums or dads.

Example:

Dad: Antonio Gomez Diaz
Mum: Lucia Martinez Montes

Daughter : Macarena Martinez Gomez.

Both Martinez and Gomez are equally important, but they are two different surnames.

The second surname of both mum and dad get lost. :(.

OnlyAHeartbeatAway · 15/08/2019 17:43

It doesn't work like that @Ineedtoknowit Spain manage just fine.

PuzzledObserver · 15/08/2019 17:43

@MarielVanArkleStinks

I agree with most of what you say. Fact is that social approval is hugely important to us as a species and there is a price to be paid for behaving in a way which doesn't attract it. A truly independent person can make their own choices and allow others to make theirs, but few of us are 100% there.

While many questions are asked with a degree of judgement, I still like to believe it's not always the case. Maybe I'm deluding myself.

siring1 · 15/08/2019 17:44

Less acceptable to whom Bert?

WeAreEternal · 15/08/2019 17:47

I kept my name because I love my name, it’s a beautiful name and I’m very proud of my heritage and my family name.
Dh doesn’t have a particular attachment to his name and wasn’t bothered by my choice at all.

my name is already hyphenated so putting out names together wasn’t an option.

Our DS has my surname.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 15/08/2019 17:47

I have a few reasons (despite having daddy issues and people in the south being completely incapable of spelling/pronouncing it even though it really isn't hard 🙄):

I wouldn't change mine because mine is a clear representation of my culture and origin. It is my identity and is a clear indicator of where I'm from and where my ancestors originate.

I find the whole notion incredibly misogynistic and I'm yet to see any reason to change it. I personally don't find convenience/romance/tradition/think of the poor children, to be a good enough reason to sacrifice my identity.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 15/08/2019 17:50

@SomewhereInbetween1 I love that! Grin

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/08/2019 17:52

I'll bite. Because I make my own decisions, and I'm not a housewife in the 1950's where I 'have' to do anything. Hmm

bouncingraindrops · 15/08/2019 17:54

I'll bite. Because I make my own decisions, and I'm not a housewife in the 1950's where I 'have' to do anything.

Let me bite you back Grin

I'm also not a 1950's housewife. I changed my name.

Like I said above, it's ok to do as you please, but don't make snide judgements about other people's choices.

AuntieJuice · 15/08/2019 17:56

Because choice.

YouJustDoYou · 15/08/2019 17:58

Because choice

^^ Yup.

timeforakinderworld · 15/08/2019 17:58

A lot of countries don't have a culture of wives changing their names. I live in one of those countries (Italy). Also I like my name.

splitthedifference · 15/08/2019 17:58

I'm my own person. My colleagues in my field know my name. Also, my DH's ex and her children have his surname - we don't need any more people with that name thank you, and I don't want to be associated with them.

YouJustDoYou · 15/08/2019 17:59

I took my dh's surname because his has historical mega cool-value in the country he's from :)

littlewriggler · 15/08/2019 18:02

So if he were named Ben Smith, I would love being called Mrs Ben Smith.
My greatest pride is in being his wife

Is his greatest pride being your husband? Would he love being called Mr Jane Smith? If so, fine, but if not, don't you think that's a strange power imbalance?

Ineedtoknowit · 15/08/2019 18:02

I know it works fine in Spain but it’s not part of our culture here so doesn’t work as well. a friend of mine was double barrelled as both her parents felt strongly about their names when she was born. She kept her own name when she got married but didn’t know what name
To give her child as there were 4 surnames to choose from. It is difficult!

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2019 18:04

“ She kept her own name when she got married but didn’t know what name
To give her child as there were 4 surnames to choose from. It is difficult!”
What a struggle that must have been for her.......

Wolfff · 15/08/2019 18:07

Why should I change it? I am proud of my Scottish heritage. I also hate my MIL and no way was I going to have the same surname as her. Also if I got divorced I didn’t want the hassle of changing it back or being lumbered with it.

CoughSplutter · 15/08/2019 18:08

I didn't take DH's surname because his mother annoys me and I didn't want to be Mrs Smith just like her.

POP7777777 · 15/08/2019 18:08

I wouldn't have changed my name if my husband was Mr Wobbletits or Mr Cocksuckle or whatever. Otherwise, I have no view on whether to change a name or not. It depends on the person. I can understand not changing a name for professional reasons.

Rethymnon · 15/08/2019 18:08

Ok to all the people who seem to think it’s 1950s or whatever to take your DH name...

Time and time again on here we hear the argument, “Yes my name was my father’s name but because I was born with it is MY name, just as it is my brother’s.... blah blah”

Yes nobody is disputing it is YOUR name.

But (sorry to shout), YOU HAVE THAT NAME BECAUSE IT WAS PASSED TO YOU VIA THE PATRIARCHAL NAMING TRADITION.”

So whether you acquire your name via your father or your DH, it is EXACTLY THE SAME TRADITION. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE!

Why why why can’t some people understand this???

If you had your mothers name, then that would be different. But if your surname was passed to you from your father, you don’t have a leg to stand on when berating other women for taking their DH’s names.

When I was born with my father’s name, that became MY name. The name I identify with. Yet it came from a man. No two ways about it. When I took my husband’s name it became MY name. The name I identify with. Yet it came from another man. No two ways about it.

At least there was choice involved in the second instance.

If you have your mother’s name or have created a new name, then fair enough. But otherwise, please stop being hypocrites.