To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

[Josephinaphia]

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

My greatest pride is in being his wife

Yes, that’s definitely an achievement you should feel very very proud to have accomplished.

Well done.

Because I don't see any reason why I should change my name. It's my name. Why do DP & I have to have the same name? (Incidentally, DP's surname is actually one of my family names anyway although not my name).

It's not my dad's surname, it's my surname.

My mum didn’t change her name when she married my dad & I grew up just assuming that was the norm. I find it more bizarre to change your name on marriage because of this. I have my dad’s surname (tbh I suspect this is because my first name sounds better with that surname & my dad’s surname is more unusual than my mum’s). My (even more unusual) middle name is from my mother’s grandmother’s middle name, so her line is carried through as well.

I wouldn’t change my name if I get married either, mostly because I just don’t want to and my name is part of who I am. We can be a family unit without having the same name - me, my mum & dad have managed it for 26 years!

@Rethymnon How do you suggest people acquire their mothers names if mothers have taken their husbands? If women didn't take their husbands names we could it being a patriarchal pass down...

could stop*

To me the question is why change, since not changing is much the easier option (it involves doing precisely nothing).

Let me ask you OP: If there wasn’t a tradition of changing names, if everyone else kept their surname on marriage, would it ever have occurred to you to change your name? If someone had suggested it to you, would you have said “ooh that’s a good idea, I’ll change my name to match his, then everyone will know we’re married” or would you have thought it seemed a bit odd?

My guess is that 99% of the women who change their names would not change if there was no tradition of doing so. It wouldn’t occur to them and even if it did, they wouldn’t change their name because nobody else was doing it.

In other words the reason women change their names is simply because they want to follow tradition, not for any practical reason.

IME there are zero practical benefits and quite a lot of hassle involved in name changing. My mum didn’t change her name, I didn’t change my name, it has never caused any problems or questions from my children or anyone else.

Yes a few people call me Mrs Hisname but it doesn’t annoy me, it’s a reasonable assumption and it helps filter out the people who really know me well from those who don’t.

😂😂😂 @BuildBuildings it makes me look subservient to a man in your opinion . Oh so you don’t like it when someone is judgmental toward you? Interesting. Well I guess I could echo you and say ‘I don’t give a shit’ (charming) but I won’t. It doesn’t bother me if you’re on social media fuming at women who are changing their names. Your life your decisions! I do find it bizzare that you’re unable to see that there are perfectly valid reasons why someone would change their name . You really don’t do women any favors representing us with the inability to consider anything outside your own entrenched morals and views

1. My reason is that it is my name and I don't want to be a different person just because I'm married.
2. Like my brother, I was given my name at birth. It is not more his surname because he is male. Therefore why would a woman's name be her father's rather than hers?
3. My dc has half my double-barrelled name with her dad's surname as the other half. I do consider giving her half from each parent to be a feminist issue.
4. I imagine they will do the same in the future, probably keeping their dad's more interesting name. Spanish speaking countries have been doing this for a long time: I don't understand why English people seem to find it so hard.
5. I don't care what people assume as I'm not doing it for anyone else.
6. It isn't complicated. I have to fill in both of us on forms anyway.

When it’s as common for a child to inherit their mother’s name as much as it is their father’s then the self-proclaimed feminists on here may have a point.

But while we have the system we have, it makes no difference whether you have your father’s name or your husband’s. Either way, it will be YOUR name. This is blatantly obvious. But, like it or not, you received your name via one patriarchal lineage or another and that’s the end of it.

Because I like my name and it reflects my heritage. Our kids have my surname.

So if he were named Ben Smith, I would love being called Mrs Ben Smith.

I find it sad when I see names written like this in announcements- the woman is completely erased.

^*But (sorry to shout), YOU HAVE THAT NAME BECAUSE IT WAS PASSED TO YOU VIA THE PATRIARCHAL NAMING TRADITION.”

So whether you acquire your name via your father or your DH, it is EXACTLY THE SAME TRADITION. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE!

Why why why can’t some people understand this???

If you had your mothers name, then that would be different. But if your surname was passed to you from your father, you don’t have a leg to stand on when berating other women for taking their DH’s names.*^

There is a difference. My father is just that, my father. He and my mother made a decision on what to name me when I was born, both my first and last name. As do all parents. This is currently a legal requirement in the UK.

However, I feel no need to change any of those names based on my marital status. You see?

I asked my exH if he’d consider taking my name. He said no as people would think he was under the thumb. I said I didn’t want people to think that of me so I kept mine.

But while we have the system we have, it makes no difference whether you have your father’s name or your husband’s.

Why is a woman's name her father's, but a man's is his own?

Tang - oh my god. But you still have a name that came to you via a patriarchal naming tradition. Fact.

My children have their dad’s name. Yes it’s their name now obviously. But it came from his patriarchal line. There is no getting away from that.

If my daughter changes her name on marriage, she is simply replacing one patriarchal name with another. Then that will be HER name. Alternatively, if she keeps HER name, then she keeps that patriarchal name. It’s “six of one, half dozen of the other.”

“Why is a woman's name her father's, but a man's is his own?”

A MAN’S NAME IS HIS FATHER’S!! This is the whole point

I like my name, I was used to it MRS E just reminded me of my MIL.
I didn't want to change it and DH wasnt bothered in the slightest.
Our 2 boys have my last name. Again, he wasn't bothered. He loves me for me, including my options and stubbornness and is just happy I gave him 2 beautiful boys, their last name barely come into the equation.
His family didn't like it though.

Oh, and my parents never married so my last name is my mothers, not my fathers, though it is my grandfathers.

Unless you marry on your 18th birthday, there is a choice involved in you keeping the name your parents gave you at birth. Pretty much all the premises in the argument that both choices are equally patriarchal are wrong. One choice is keeping your woman's name, one is taking a man's. No way round it.

It is different having your father’s surname because that’s the surname you were given at birth and have had all your life. Keeping your surname isn’t a choice to have your father’s name, it just means doing nothing and sticking with the name you’ve had all your life.

Men also have their father’s surname so there is no difference in how the sexes are treated.

Changing surname on marriage is an active choice. Taking your husband’s surname means you actively choose to lose your surname and have his instead.

Is is a choice only women seem to make, or are expected to make, so does not affect the sexes equally.

I don’t see how they can be equated.

Of course, if more women kept their name and gave their children their own surname, the patriarchal aspect would soon disappear.

@Rethymnon

My children are double-barrelled, they can choose whatever they want when they’re older. So if they choose to keep my name, is that still patriarchal? Have they choosen their grandad’s name (who they’ve never met)? Or are they choosing mine?

What you are saying is illogical, because by your reasoning, it’s not even their grandads name, because of course it belonged to his grandad too.

Are people’s names only their own if they make them up themselves?

“But while we have the system we have, it makes no difference whether you have your father’s name or your husband’s. Either way, it will be YOUR name. ”

A woman no choice about the name she is given at birth. But she spends 20/30/40 years making that her name. Achieving in it, working, making friends, becoming known by it. Establishing it as her name. And then one June Saturday that person simply vanishes. So yes, that name came from a patriarchal tradition. And the erasure of that name comes from another.

So why did you say 'your father's or your husband's' then? Surely it should be your father or FILs.

Also at what point can a woman claim to own her own name. I've had mine for 40 years, is that long enough? My daughter has mine too, these things have to start somewhere. Or does the fact that her surname was once her grandfather's mean she will never truly own her name either?

I felt emotional at the idea of changing my name, it honestly upset me. Plus I’m a teacher, and while my husband’s surname isn’t bad, it has a homophone that combined with a physical attribute of myself wouldn’t have worked.

Our daughter has both our surnames but will be known day to day just by his.

But the fact you (usually) automatically inherit a man’s name at birth actually makes it worse in my opinion. Because this is totally taken for granted; it identifies you as his daughter from day one. No choice whatsoever. Yet look at the lengths women will do to to avoid this truth.

I have my own surname I like, i don't like his