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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 15/08/2019 09:21

Most people do not intentionally use someone that they have no loving, romantic feelings or even feelings of desire for to get a child.

I didn’t say you saw sperm donation as selfish. I said you said other people view it as selfish and pointed out that many may see what you did as equally or more selfish.

Can you see for yourself that your actions were/are selfish?

I’d rephrase a previous posters question. It’s a scenario I’ve actually seen on Mumsnet. Your daughter or son comes to you in 35 years time, broken. Their marriage is breaking down. Let’s say it’s your daughter. She’s discovered flirty messages from a work colleague on her husband’s device. There’s been a row of some sort and in the process of that he’s admitted that he has feelings for the person at work and that he’s never really felt the same way about your daughter. He married her because he was pushing 40 and didn’t want to be an old Dad. He realised it was now or never so he found a younger woman (your daughter) who seemed nice enough and settled. And they’ve had an alright life haven’t they? She was able to be a SAHM and they had nice holidays and never wanted for anything financially. But now he’s realised what he’s missing and he has to admit he’s never really felt much for her, not like this other woman. He admires and respects your daughter but he doesn’t love or fancy her, never has. But she did love him and thought that the feelings were reciprocal. She’s devastated and feels her marriage was a sham.

You’d think what he’s done to your daughter was ok? You wouldn’t seem him as even slightly selfish? You wouldn’t feel anger on your child’s behalf?

You’ll probably avoid answering the question as you have demonstrated throughout the thread. Say, “but I’d never have an affair! My husband won’t find out. I’m not going to tell him.”

But your on here posting about it and the fact you have a crush on another person so you are already telling people the truth, even if it is on an Internet forum.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 09:21

You might be but I can’t tell if you mean just you feeling this way

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:21

Things change sugar

At the start it was very much about sex for him.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 15/08/2019 09:21

That’s irrelevant Marsha, OP isn’t saying it to him

Butchyrestingface · 15/08/2019 09:21

These responses no one would want this for themselves

Another one who is fairly sanguine about it.

verticality · 15/08/2019 09:22

"I do love him in a way, but it isn’t passionate romantic love, it’s borne from affection and respect."

To be honest, it sounds as though it could be your concept of 'love' that is at fault here.

You sound as though you're idealising some kind of romantic, passionate love that really sounds like something out of a badnovel for teenage girls. Long term relationships don't tend to happen in the space of that headlong, passionate, let-nothing-stand-in-my-way kind of sexual rush. That doesn't mean there can't be great sex and a lot of passion, but a settled and deep attachment also has other additional qualities that are calmer yet that run very deep.

This is the kind of nonsense that I often hear from women who are about to embark on an affair: the problem is essentially that they are bored and dissatisfied (often with themselves as much as anything external), but they choose to project that out onto family life/marriage and then embark on a devastating, destructive and ultimately very selfish course of action.

Chathamhouserules · 15/08/2019 09:22

If you can't imagine your dc's partner telling you they settled for your dc, then try this scenario... your dc loves their partner but their partner leaves them, explaining that they think they are a bit dull and they just wanted children. Will you think 'oh well' or would you think they acted badly and should have let your dc meet and marry someone who adored them? If it's the latter then you should feel ashamed of what you did, even if you don't plan to tell your husband.
You may get something like dementia when you are older, lose inhibition and tell your husband then that you settled for him. That will be nice.
I'd be so sad if I thought my dh did what you did.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 09:22

It’s not irrelevant treat others as you like to be treated

A man posting this - can imagine the responses

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:23

I would be Hmm with that scenario NameChange

My children will have various bad things happen to them because they ultimately in all probability will be normal people living normal lives and good things happen and bad things.

My job as a parent isn’t to somehow prevent that happening (how?) but to love and support no matter what.

So I’d hug my DD and I’d ask her what she wanted to do and I’d do everything in my power to give it to her.

So would her dad.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 09:25

Tatiana would you be ok if your dh said what was in the op?

I’d be fine with being married to someone for whom I was a pragmatic choice rather than a star crossed love match. I’m not dull so they’d be unlikely to say that, but they could say something else.

snitzelvoncrumb · 15/08/2019 09:26

I don't think it's that big of a deal, I assume your husband proposed to you and wanted the life you have. It's not like you just got pregnancy and forced him into having a family with you. It sounds like a sensible relationship.
The only person being shortchanged here is the you.

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 09:27

@halfwaythroughaugust he didn't just tell me out of a clear blue sky. He told me because I could tell and I confronted him and his demurrals were completely unconvincing. You can't fake interest, fake respect, fake affection, consistently and forever. Your husband may seem happy enough now (although to say "seems happy enough" about someone you share every day shows a level of disinterest which in itself must surely be apparent to him - how do you not know if he is happy or not? Why would you not ask if you're not sure? Unless of course you do not care - which would show). But one day your kids won't be between you, the pace of life will slow down, and you'll be left with each other. The fact he notes you and you think so little of him will ring in that space.

Of course by that point he'll have served his purpose, having fathered and raised your children, so maybe you'll just drop him if he irritates you.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 09:27

Fair enough and would you prefer they said they loved you because you did them or that they hid that they didn’t

Gwenhwyfar · 15/08/2019 09:27

" but this poor guys been duped into a marriage & a life with a woman he loves & who he believes loves him. "

I'm sure he can tell they're not exactly Romeo and Juliet.

"She deliberately took away his right to choose to be with someone who loved him for himself because of what she wanted"

Well, no, if he wanted something more passionate he could have chosen that. He's accepted what OP is offering.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:28

I don’t think our situations are the same weaning

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 09:28

You sound as though you're idealising some kind of romantic, passionate love that really sounds like something out of a badnovel for teenage girls. Long term relationships don't tend to happen in the space of that headlong, passionate, let-nothing-stand-in-my-way kind of sexual rush. That doesn't mean there can't be great sex and a lot of passion, but a settled and deep attachment also has other additional qualities that are calmer yet that run very deep.

Not sure that the OP is doing this, altho I do think there’s potentially an element of truth to this - but certainly other posters on the thread are.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/08/2019 09:29

My question got a bit swept up in the thread but what was your childhood like OP? And what was your parents relationship like?

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 09:29

And also that the main reason was expensive childcare

I couldn’t be ok with it

Op still hasn’t said if she would be

NameChange84 · 15/08/2019 09:29

Yes..that’s what any normal parent would feel or do for their child. That’s just very basic parenting.

But you’d feel a bit Hmm about the partner? Really? That’s it?

You seem very cold and lacking in empathy. The more you are posting the more narcissistic you appear. You feel no guilt whatsoever? Really?

Nearlyalmost50 · 15/08/2019 09:30

We had a good life, before and after the children. He was a very involved and loving father. He became ill and I nursed him for eight years, then he died

To me, nursing him for eight years of sickness IS true love. There are posts on here- shall I leave my husband as he's put on weight and I don't fancy him quite as much!

Caring for someone when they are ill is an act of extreme love and I bet your husband was pretty glad you stepped up and did it, whatever you felt when you first married.

Idontwanttotalk · 15/08/2019 09:30

I feel really sorry for your husband.

"I would never tell my husband I did not love him. I see no point in causing needless hurt and pain."
You are deceiving him which is far worse. If he ever finds out the actually lying/living a lie will be equally as bad as finding out you don't love him and married him just to have a child.

Actually I don't know why you came on AIBU and asked a question because you have an answer to anything that is said in reply so don't come across as wanting to know if YABU.

My answer, if you really want to know, would be it isn't unreasonable to enter into a living arrangement like this if both sides do so consciously. When one side doesn't then the marriage is a sham. You have taken away his opportunity to be in a proper marriage.

You are bored by him and dislike his family. The sham won't last forever.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 15/08/2019 09:30

I don't see a problem really. As long as you're both happy with the relationship then what's the harm. There's more than one type of love, and actually taking away that passionate, fiery side would probably make for a much more peaceful relationship. It's not for me, personally, but I can see how it would be ideal for some people. A lot of people lose that lust and passion after a while and are left with nothing, at least you have that different kind of love that seems more lasting.

Marinetta · 15/08/2019 09:30

If you are happy being married to him and don't regret the choice you made I don't see a problem. A good partnership is based on more than emotion but on shared goals, mutual respect and common interests. In many cultures marrying for love is still very rare and people marry more for practical reasons or just because it is what their family expects of them. I also think that historically most marriages in the UK were also for more practical reasons and marrying for love has only become a thing in the past 100 years or so. You don't say how long you have been married but you've obviously been married for quite a few years if you have had the time to have children. Some people marry for love and find themselves divorced after 2 years because as I said love isn't all you need to have a successful relationship and sometimes love can fade very quickly.

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 09:31

Fair enough and would you prefer they said they loved you because you did them or that they hid that they didn’t

I don’t think she doesn’t love him, I think she just doesn’t love him passionately. There are different kinds of love and ways of loving.

Lumene · 15/08/2019 09:32

Depends what you mean by ‘love’.

Disney sparkles or respect and companionship. Both would be great if possible of course but why is choosing the second (as you seem to have done) only such a terrible thing to some PPs?

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