Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
yesthatstheone · 15/08/2019 09:10

How old are your children OP?

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 09:10

To those saying this is no different to an arranged marriage, it really is. With an arranged marriage at least all parties are clear that it is a marriage of convenience and nobody is kidded into believing it’s a love match, if love comes later then great but it’s certainly not a given although at least everyone has their eyes open

You think people in arranged marriages don’t say or think they’re in love when they’re not quite?

Butchyrestingface · 15/08/2019 09:10

I can’t get worked up by what OP has described. She made what seems like a cold, clinical decision to most, but aren’t we used to reading thread after thread on here of women who choose to breed with the most unsuitable men despite more red flags than a Labour Party conference? For all OP knows, her husband might have settled for her too.

However,

Do I say ‘well yes DH, I do, but I don’t think Im passionately in love with you because you’re a bit dull

Do you actually like and respect your partner? You seem a bit irritated (and not just by his family).

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:11

Yes, I do like and respect him butchy - his family drive me a bit nuts though.

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 15/08/2019 09:11

In your shoes I'd just dump him and go it alone with the children. I couldn't bear it to be with someone boring and have to suffer their family as well.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 15/08/2019 09:12

So by "quite the opposite", you feel you have benefited/done a good thing for your partner by marrying him? Bestowed a favour on him?

Writersblock2 · 15/08/2019 09:12

Oh Jesus. The pp saying she took away his free will? What world are you living in? He had free will!

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/08/2019 09:12

What was your childhood like OP? What was your parents relationship like?

namechanging2019 · 15/08/2019 09:12

This is vile. You have manipulated and gaslit a man into being tethered to you for life through your selfishness. There are several options to become a parent outwith the traditional heterosexual married couple route..

The despicable dishonestly, manipulation and lies certainly is emotionally abusive.
And making yourself sound like his only other option bar an unlikely supermodel is laughable! Do you really believe you are such a catch!? If so, tell him the truth. Since you're so confident of being his best option, I'm sure he'll agree and you can go on using him as a means to your own ends. Hmm

Otherwise, you could get knocked up and drain him for maintenance? Sounds right up your street. Wink

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 09:12

Anyone who's read any history or historical fiction knows that the pragmatic approach to marriage produced large quantities of misery for many couples.

Primarily because according to their cultures they couldn’t get divorced. Marriage has caused equal misery in the west for precisely that reason, even when the initial basis was love.

Arranged marriage when you can get divorced is different.

PixieLumos · 15/08/2019 09:14

I didn’t marry him for his money hmm I’m actually the higher earner. However, two incomes of £30,000 and £20,000 make £50,000. One income of £50,000 is actually less as it’s taxed more. Being single is seriously costly.

So you did marry him for money...

GinNotGym19 · 15/08/2019 09:14

I don’t think this is the worst thing as long as you never tell him or put it in his face even if you broke up.
In laws drive most people mad even if they love their husband. I loved my stbxh and still hated his family and he was still an absolute dickhead to me in the end.
As long as your both happy I can’t see a massive problem in this

teachermam · 15/08/2019 09:14

Very sensible especially since he's a good man
Imarriage for centuries was purely a legal and practical contract then Hollywood happened where we had to all have soulmates

As long as you are both respectful to each other then this is perfectly acceptable

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 09:15

These responses no one would want this for themselves

Passthecherrycoke · 15/08/2019 09:16

I think this is really common. In other guises it’s staying in a relationship too long because you don’t want to start again, or marrying someone you have doubts about.
I always think there are loads of men
I could’ve met and married. I don’t believe in the one

Butchyrestingface · 15/08/2019 09:17

Yes, I do like and respect him butchy - his family drive me a bit nuts though.

Same as with those who marry for love, judging by the number of threads about women who hate their in laws on here.

I’m not going to turn a hair about this. I hope your attitude about settling doesn’t seep through into your relationship with your husband, but as long as you like and respect him, and get on well, and are both reasonably happy together, what’s the problem? 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:17

No pixie, I am the higher earner.

However, single parenthood was not within my budget. I wanted to be a parent and I could not afford it alone so that was a consideration.

However I didn’t really want to be a single parent anyway. I wanted my children to have a dad who would love them. And he does.

I think dh has benefited from the relationship, yes. He gets sex, children, my income, companionship. We are different characters and he likes that. He has said repeatedly he wouldn’t have done a lot of the things we did without me driving it.

OP posts:
Pollypenguin01 · 15/08/2019 09:18

If you don’t feel at least some guilt then quite honestly I would say there is something wrong with you.

I can understand marrying someone for convenience, I can understand marrying for money, prestige, security, even just wanting children and the clock is ticking BUT only when both parties are in agreement.

I know troll hunting is not allowed but quite honestly I think you’re a troll or a journalist as you seem to almost enjoy the fact you’ve got one over on him I don’t feel any guilt whatsoever. On the contrary
You feel like you made a great choice taking away your husbands chance to find a partner that loves him Hmm that’s a very strange attitude.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:19

I think it’s eminently possible dh also settled.

What matters aren’t his feelings but his actions. His actions towards me but more importantly our children are loving and respectful.

OP posts:
sugarplumfairy28 · 15/08/2019 09:19

The bottom line is, what he thinks, and whether you have lied to get what you want.

Marriage is an equal partnership, and it seems in this one (albeit just from what you have told us) what you want is more important than anything, an (apparently) nondescript decent man who earns enough to support a family. Not to be too insulting (to my husband) but that could be my husband, who I cant imagine life without and vice versa but in theory your pragmatic approach could have prevented.

So can you tell us, what was your husband looking for in a partner? Did he want children? Does he tell you there is no-one else for him? How do you respond to that if he does? Does he only want a companion? To work out if you are being unreasonable we need to know what you have done to someone else to get to where you are.

If he feels the same as you, only kinda loves you, was happy to marry just anyone who could give him children (as that seems to be all you have done for/with him) then no you are not being unreasonable.

If however you led him to believe there is more to your relationship then there is, that there is an aspect of love that doesn't exist, that you haven't been honest about how if children were not going to happen you would move straight on, then you have denied him the truth and the ability to make his own choices, and therefore you are not only are you unreasonable you are a truly selfish and cruel person.

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 09:19

These responses no one would want this for themselves

I don’t have a problem with it. I think you can have a better life with someone you like and respect than one you’re passionately in love with but is a pia. Heightened passion doesn’t make for stable relationships.

Dutchoma · 15/08/2019 09:20

I was in this situation when I first met my husband. He fell head over heels in love with me, I never did. He was a ‘good man’ and I wanted children - we had two. We had a good life, before and after the children. He was a very involved and loving father. He became ill and I nursed him for eight years, then he died.
I don’t think I was ‘cruel’ to him, although I might have some regrets and, like the OP wonder whether I was shortchanging him. He would never have said so. There are different ways of loving and ‘romantic’ head over heels love is only one of them.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:20

Polly - perhaps it lacks logic to a degree but to me (and only to me and dh, I know Wink) I can’t imagine anyone else could have produced our gorgeous clever funny babies.

They aren’t, by the way. Not to you. They are probably annoying little sods to anyone who didn’t parent them. But I can’t imagine life without them. Neither can dh.

OP posts:
IHateUserName · 15/08/2019 09:20

Of course you don't feel any guilt, you've made it clear you only care about yourself & what you want. The only reason you are even thinking about what you have done is because you have a crush on some other guy - again, it's all about you.

For the pp saying this is a fuss over nothing, are you ignoring the fact that she married her husband knowing full well she didn't love him, just because he was suitable to breed with? The point is that he didn't & still doesn't know that. She's made a massive decision for his life that he has no knowledge of! THAT is the problem. If this had been an arranged marriage where both parties knew it was arranged that's a different story, but this poor guys been duped into a marriage & a life with a woman he loves & who he believes loves him. She deliberately took away his right to choose to be with someone who loved him for himself because of what she wanted. That's manipulative, selfish, deceitful & abusive, & just because other people have done the same thing, whether consciously or not, doesn't make it any better.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 09:20

Tatiana would you be ok if your dh said what was in the op?