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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 09:32

She’s very clear in her op with her ‘I don’t love’

Sure not all marriages stay in a state of passionate love but at least not a lie to one person at the outset

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:34

You have misread that marsha, it was a reason, not the main reason.

Here was me in my very early 30s:

I wanted children

I wanted a family

I didn’t want to be a single parent for a variety of reasons, financial, practical and emotional.

So I needed to meet someone.

Atrocious - my parents divorced which probably has some bearing on this Smile

Namechange you’re being ridiculous now. If you’re going to adopt a child you might be well advised not to diagnose serious personality disorders on the basis of a few words Hmm

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 15/08/2019 09:35

@Lumene

It’s not a choice between “Disney Sparkles” (what does that even mean?!) and respect.

The OP’s overriding way of describing her husband is “dull”. That’s not respectful.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:36

He would probably admit he’s dull himself Grin

OP posts:
Nothingcomesforfree · 15/08/2019 09:37

As someone who was with someone I loved dearly but who I knew didn’t love me back, it was fine.
I was happy just being with them for so long. I would have married him too, knowing he didn’t love me properly because I was sure that would change that over time and just being with him was amazing.
I expect your DH knows the score and has his own reasons for staying.

costacoffeecup · 15/08/2019 09:37

I suspect loads of people have done this. I think my partner's probably done it. Fine as long as it remains unsaid, admitting it would get awkward!

NameChange84 · 15/08/2019 09:38

Namechange you’re being ridiculous now. If you’re going to adopt a child you might be well advised not to diagnose serious personality disorders on the basis of a few words hmm

What on earth are you talking about? I didn’t diagnose you with a personality disorder!

CatapultingCookies · 15/08/2019 09:42

There are no guarantees. Things could change. I could die, he could die, we both could, we could get ill, or we could both live until we are 90.

Or he may have an affair and find someone who loves him. or he may even find this post and decide not to waste his good years

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/08/2019 09:42

Thanks for answering my question OP Smile

Did you feel loved as a child? Just wondering where your pragmatism comes from I guess.

MargoLovebutter · 15/08/2019 09:42

People have got married for worse reasons OP.

I think we have an absurdly romantic view of marriage, that it has to be as a result of relationship where thunderbolts have crossed the sky, cupids arrow has struck and people say they are "in love".

I think that whilst being in love might be a great thing, it isn't absolutely essential for a good and long-lasting marriage. I would say that respect, kindness, tolerance, understanding, compromise and mutually shared values and goals count for a lot more.

Nearlyalmost50 · 15/08/2019 09:43

So- why have you posted OP?

Very few people seem to have noticed that you slipped in that in fact you have a crush, which is what has got you thinking about lust/love etc.

I do think a marriage based on sensible choices might be quite vulnerable to a passionate affair on either side (obviously keep being sensible, don't do that).

Mind you, so are love matches where often one party forgets to tell the other person they have fallen out of love and have been shagging someone at work. The Relationships board is full of these examples.

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 09:43

She’s very clear in her op with her ‘I don’t love’

Very naive. Define love.

Actionhasmagic · 15/08/2019 09:43

I think it’s not fair on the other person to fake that you love them romantically. Like someone said earlier - everyone deserves real love.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 09:44

You did mention it a few times up front but fine one of the reasons

Still if I read the op I’d not be sanguine I don’t think many would

JellyPeanut · 15/08/2019 09:45

You sound like you're my friend. She told me during the preparations for her wedding that the man she was marrying was not 'The love of her life'. And that the love of her life was her ex who'd split from her. I was astounded but kept my mouth shut. She told me she wanted children, she was getting on in years & the new man was older & keen to marry & settle down. He thought he'd hit the jackpot with you - young & very pretty, he told me so. A chap who'd previously been left on the shelf - getting on in years & rather wedded to his mother. A man who could be a bit cantankerous at times & who wasn't very tidy but she could mould him somewhat. He'd never set her on fire but he'd never cheat either.

I've always watched & wondered how this would pan-out in the end. I admired her grit at sticking with it. But I always believed, eventually, it'd unravel. When the kids grow & don't need you anymore & it's just you & him & now he's in his 60's, fat, balding, with erectile disfunction & still cantankerous, what's to stay for then?

It's a choice you made & you pay the price.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:46

You accused me of being narcissistic which is a personality disorder namechange

Perhaps you were not aware - here is the info.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 15/08/2019 09:46

I am from an Indian background and in mine, even amongst UK born Indians, it’s very common for people to settle into a marriage rather than fall in love in any romantic way. These marriages often last longer, even in cultures where divorce is acceptable, because there are no romantic expectations - where things do fall apart is when one or another party has their head turned by someone else. If that’s happened to you then you should leave.

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 09:46

@halfwaythroughaugust clearly not. But given you keep changing the situation you describe in order to parry it's hard to get an idea what your situation actually is.

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 09:48

Narcissism and NPD are not the same OP.

OMGshefoundmeout · 15/08/2019 09:48

I hope OP is a little confused about what love is. She might be confusing it with infatuation or the initial throes of passion .

If this truly is a loveless marriage it will probably end when one or other of them meets someone they will love and be loved by.

TheWorstWitch11 · 15/08/2019 09:49

I think we have far too much focus in our culture on this overblown Hollywood version of "love" which is a relatively recent development in people's marriage decisions. Marriage historically was a logic-based decision based around finding a similar/advantageous social match of partner and providing a stable home for children. You show love through being faithful, doing small kindnesses for each other and treating another person with respect. OP, if you do these things you do love your husband. Who cares about all this bosom clutching, swooning "in love" business that doesn't last five minutes anyway? If you'd married for "love" (depending on how you define it) you'd probably be over that phase of your relationship by now. I've only been married two years to a man I love dearly but pregnancy and babies are definitely passion killers! If you wanted children, and a reliable, honest caring man wanted to marry you, you absolutely did the right thing in my opinion! I would have done the same!

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 09:49

Tell me how weaning Hmm

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 09:50

TheWorstWitch and honestly if the man you love dearly wrote the op how would you feel?

Nousernameforme · 15/08/2019 09:50

What would you feel if he found someone else and decided to get a divorce?

Would you be sad at losing him or just the lifestyle?

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 09:51

Ugh. OP I'm out. You came here asking YANBU, you've had a range of opinions, some supporting your stance. Hopefully that has given you the validation you are seeking. I hope you are right and your husband isn't and never becomes aware of how dull you find him. I hope you take a less utilitarian approach to your relationships with your children and eventual grandchildren. I hope your crush evaporates in due course and nobody gets hurt. I hope neither you or your husband end up with regrets.

Go forth and fill your boots.