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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
U2HasTheEdge · 15/08/2019 22:14

I think a relationship like the OPs can be mutually fulfilling.

So we travelled, we had fun, we had problems and fixed them, we supported one another, we bonded. Love? Maybe. I guess so.

From the OP. It doesn't seem to me that they are unhappy. I was deeply unhappy. I am not seeing that with the OP.

People want different things from relationships.

Jade218 · 15/08/2019 22:20

I think posters are being a bit harsh here. I would say a large percentage of 'couples' fee the same they're just too afraid to admit it

ReanimatedSGB · 16/08/2019 02:27

Remember that 'romance is the sugar coat on the pill of patriarchy' before you shit your pants about how eeeevil the OP is. Monogamous marriage was invented by men to enable them to own women and exploit them as breeding animals; marriage was, for centuries, a legal contract about property and inheritance. Women had to marry, because they were not allowed to own or earn money, and if they couldn't attract a husband, they remained the property of male relatives.

And this stuff about the OP having deprived her H of 'the chance to find Real Love' - plenty of people simply don't give a toss about that as long as they are living with someone who is pleasant to them and whose libido is reasonably similar to theirs. (Yes, if OP had gone off sex and stopped engaging in it entirely without discussing it with the H once enough DC had been born, that might be a bit unfair, but some couples find their loss of interest in sex is mutual and therefore no big deal.)

Something20 · 16/08/2019 02:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kinsters · 16/08/2019 03:46

I think it's a bit sad but can see why you did it. Not everyone meets someone they click with, at least not at the right time to have a family. Idk though, I think I'd prefer to be alone than in a relationship with someone I didn't love/enjoy spending time with.

Mileysmiley · 16/08/2019 03:56

What is real love?

A lot of couples are in a relationship that is happy but not exactly the greatest love story.

As for me my other half stole me from another man He spotted me at my cousins house and got my telephone number and kept ringing me for a date. He even turned into a stalker by finding out which pubs I was visiting and turning up there. Eventually I gave in and went on a date with him even though I didn't find him that attractive.

Brot64 · 16/08/2019 04:56

Don't understand why you are asking if you ABU. It's a bit too late now as you've made your bed... (I say this because you've mentioned you don't want out) . I personally couldn't do it simply because I would be terrified that any future arguments or time he'd annoy me, could result in me pointing out that I settled to begin with. I would also feel extremely guilty and irritated.

That aside, my question is do you believe you can pull this off for the foreseeable future? It's difficult enough living with someone you love and marriages are not exactly easy, (madly in love/not) but with someone you honestly don't love? Also how would you describe how you feel about him? Are you merely tolerating him because it affords you the kind of life you want and has given you your DC? How do you respond when he says he loves you? Sorry I have so many questions (no judgment here as I have never been in this situation nor have I ever met anyone who has directly admitted to anything of the sort, although I don't doubt that many people may feel this way )

bottleofbeer · 16/08/2019 05:16

Oh ffs, I'm married to an extremely good man, I love him like family and would take a bullet for him.

Am I madly in love? No.

PhoenixBuchanan · 16/08/2019 05:36

Surely this has been the basis of most marriages since time immemorial. And still is to quite an extent, if more people were honest. I don't see the issue here.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 05:42

Doesn’t sound very stable. Likely to break down when someone more appealing arrives on the scene.

If a poster’s dh said I never loved you, surely it was obvious how could you not know Confused, just for children. Going by this thread about fifty percent would say fine. Doubt it.

weaningwoes · 16/08/2019 07:19

@PhoenixBuchanan

If more people were honest

Well quite. If this is the mutual basis of their marriage that they both understand, then fine. But the OP gives no indication he was aware of the tepidness of her feelings for him from day dot. People can be in all sorts of arrangements for all sorts of reasons. It's honesty that matters.

All this strikes me as similar to a man sexting or participating in online interactive porn but saying "it does no harm and she'll never know". Ok fine she won't get an STD but it's still cheating and of course it matters even if she never knows! It's living life based on a lie.

Moreover anyone this disinterested will have a hard time knuckling down for the hard graft of old age, infirmity, loss of control of excretory function, dementia.

My mum and my stepdad had this kind of "mutually convenient" loveless arrangement. A few issues down the line - job loss, chronic mental and physical health problems, a sudden stroke that left my SDad disabled and irrational - and it all fell apart in spectacular style. They didn't have enough love to be there for each other through the shite; when one of them was fragile they could manage it, when they both were and with no money - there was nothing there.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 07:21

Well exactly honest not being the best word for the op.

Honest and co parent sure if that’s what you’re up for.

AmateurSwami · 16/08/2019 07:51

As for me my other half stole me from another man He spotted me at my cousins house and got my telephone number and kept ringing me for a date. He even turned into a stalker by finding out which pubs I was visiting and turning up there. Eventually I gave in and went on a date with him even though I didn't find him that attractive.

Sad
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 16/08/2019 08:01

I completely understand OP - for 100s of years women have married for practical and financial stability reasons and not love - I think too many of us are looking for something that doesn't exist - that great love affair you see in films and read about in books - society tells us we can have it all including "the one" but actually that's a lie - then you wake up in your mid to late 30s and panic that you want kids but no one to have them with (plenty of active threads on MN talking about this very subject)

I think you did the right thing OP - better to give your children a loving home with both parents than go it alone as seems to be the fashion these days and deprive children of having both parents in their lives

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 08:05

Is that would you would choose Iwouldlove? Or have chosen?

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 08:06

Forgot your name while posting itwasalovelydream

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 16/08/2019 08:10

@MarshaBradyo
No I love DH. Do I think it's the all consuming love you read about? I don't know? It's certainly not the romanticised love I imagined growing up? Does that mean I settled - maybe? But I also knew I wanted to be married and have children and knew that would get harder the older I got.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 08:26

That’s good love is enough imo whether it’s the all consuming type (probably not as marriage is a long time to maintain that) or the calmer type.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 08:35

Also there’s nothing wrong with not doing the romantic version but op was clear on no love and just for children.

Each poster that says that’s fine would hand on heart not want that.

Eustasiavye · 16/08/2019 09:40

I think the crux of the issue was the opportunity wanted children. She wanted to be married and in a stable relationship when she had them.
I may have missed it but I'm guessing the opportunity was in her late 30s when she made her decision.
My dh is my second husband and it is a very different relationship.
We have a fantastic sex life, we cuddle and hold hands far more than either of us ever did in our first marriages.
We go to bed togethet, get up together, we are best friends.
The children thing is luckily not an issue for us.
Before I met my dh I did a lot of research into the psychology of lasting relationships.
My dh and I are very similar. We hold the same political, theological and fundamental beliefs. I think that had I been a boy I would have been a clone of my dh.
He is on the same intelligence level as me and we delight in watching an in-depth drama and being the first to work out the plot.
Our previous relationships were not like this.
Both our ex's cheated on us, preferring more 'exciting' partners. Neither of us care.
I'm very lucky to have met my dh and both of us had said we would never marry again.
I think children make a huge difference.
We are lucky in that we both have children and they all get along (all adults).

FredaFrogspawn · 16/08/2019 09:52

I think when people experience a crush as the op is, they do tend to say how they never really loved their partners because it isn’t like this feeling (the strong visceral lust of a crush).

And if op’s husband is ‘dull’, I suspect she may be a bit dull by the same standards, having chosen to settle with him. Which is fine - there is nothing wrong with being a bit dull. Just own it. It can be much better than the roller coaster of being excitingly out there or being married to someone always seeking thrills.

merlotqueen · 16/08/2019 10:25

I'm with the OP too, lots of people settle. I was brought up in a dysfunctional family and devoured romantic fiction. Now I can't stand the stuff. Grin

Real life is hard. The OP has done a Charlotte Collins. We can't all be Elizabeth Bennett.

Namenic · 16/08/2019 10:55

OP a providing you stay faithful and kind even when it gets tough - it’s fine. Me and DH settled for each other - we didn’t think we’d get anyone better. We had problems at the start as different cultures but love and respect grew. I do have shared interests with him though - so helpful. I think respect and kindness are much more important than being in ‘love’ with someone.

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 11:05

Nameic at least you both knew what you were doing.

cardamoncoffee · 16/08/2019 11:24

I don't think there is anything wrong with 'settling', for centuries that was the primary motivation for marriage, the being 'in love' is a rather new concept and if you judge by the increasing divorce rate then it is just as easy to fall out of love than in. Love definitely is not enough IMO and should not be used over logic when deciding whether or not to stay with someone.

In my city in the last 5 years there is a very noticeable spike in older men being married to (younger) Thai/Phillapina women, so I think many men want to 'settle' too.