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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 15/08/2019 12:16

You stick with Mr Dependable, you'll be happier in the long run.

I'm not so sure. I'm not saying you're wrong but safe and dependable isn't for everyone Blush

SaraNade · 15/08/2019 12:16

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lucylouis · 15/08/2019 12:16

What did you want from this post? For everyone to say no of course you did the right thing. You're using this man for his sperm. You don't even seem to care though you just want everyone to agree with you.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 12:17

AtLeast you say you do love him

This isn’t about the exciting element it’s about no love at all

SaraNade · 15/08/2019 12:18

Are people on here missing the point that this is not about romantic love vs settling, this is about the fact that her husband was DECEIVED INTO MARRYING HER? A marriage is legally null and void if either party is led into the contract by deception.

Can people on here stop and think about what the real issue is? It is about deception. It is not about anything else.

Whyohwhy2019 · 15/08/2019 12:21

I don't think this is wrong, OP. Who's said that love is the same as "Prince Charming love"? To want to have children with someone is a way bigger compliment than to feel lust to someone.

I think what you're describing is love, but not the chick lit love. I think your marriage has a great chance of lasting just because you also used your brain when picking a partner. Companionship is key IMHO.

I don't get the impression that OP just sees/used her husband as a sperm donor only.

Palaver1 · 15/08/2019 12:26

Do you now want out?

CSIblonde · 15/08/2019 12:30

You sound like my mother (but my Dad was anything but dull). She married him 'because he had a good job'. She wasn't capable of loving anyone frankly tho I don't know if that's you. He died young after 20years with someone who didn't love him. Still makes me sad. I think you should let him find someone who loves him. Settling is never a good idea. I've met so many women who have & it's all gone very wrong.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/08/2019 12:33

we were together before children; I anticipate we will be together after children but if he wishes something different I would accept that.

You were together before children but by your own admission that was only because you had your eyes on the prize, so to speak. You made a decision to stick it out because you wanted DC and he was a stable, decent bloke who you knew would be a good Dad. Once the DC's have flown the nest it's completely different because the reasons you settled for him in the first place become irrelevant. So it's just you and a bloke you only "sort of" love and find "dull" for the next 20, 30 years...doesn't that prospect worry you? It would me! I doubt he will "wish something different" as you say because as far as he's concerned he's married to a woman who loves him as much as he loves her.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 15/08/2019 12:34

Of course this is cruel. This man has missed out on having someone love him because of decisions the OP has made.

JamdaniSari · 15/08/2019 12:38

Agreed

1300cakes · 15/08/2019 12:44

Sounds perfectly normal to me OP. If you had married for love, it would be gone by now anyway.

To me, love is a behaviour, not a feeling. So to everyone saying OP should go tell her partner right now "I don't love you, you are dull" - that wouldn't be very loving behaviour now, would it?

OP is just being realistic. I find it sad when people can't seem to let go of the idea that they should be in love, when they aren't. They just upset themselves trying to recapture that feeling, which of course is physically impossible. Forcing awkward date nights and cringe worthy vow renewals - argh.

Have you ever been to a holiday resort and seen a couple at the most romantic table in the restaurant, with rose petals scattered around the table, champagne open... And the two of them are sitting there awkwardly with nothing to say. Meanwhile me and DH (and OP and her DH) will be at the bar, reading our books, chatting to people and actually having a good time. We don't need to pretend we are an amazing love story. We have a good life together and that's enough.

Silenttype · 15/08/2019 12:50

Whilst i agree that it's not fair that the Husband has potentially missed out on meeting his all time love, if OP is treating him well, showing affection etc and he does actually believe that she is the love of his life, is it so bad? Kind of like Schrödinger's theory? Unless he knows she doesn't love him, and he is unhappy, then surely, ignorance is bliss? OP hasn't said whether her DH knows her feelings towards him, and i think that makes all the difference.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/08/2019 12:52

Settling is not some idea, since forever people would get married for stability and company. When I was younger I was aghast at that, now - not so much.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/08/2019 12:53

some NEW idea

JamdaniSari · 15/08/2019 12:55

Don't know people are getting so worked up.

bluegirlgreen · 15/08/2019 12:57

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MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 12:59

Bluegirlgreen are you married?

This thread is so odd

Not one person has said ok yep I’d be ok with the op happening to me

Pp mentioned different kinds of love but that is not the same as the op.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 13:01

Even the op can’t say she’d be ok with it.

Pollypenguin01 · 15/08/2019 13:12

I can’t understand some of the answers on this thread,
the OP took away her husbands choice to decide if he wanted a loveless marriage of convenience or not
Her husband didn’t choose to be in a, for all intents and purposes, an arranged marriage.

I thought we as a whole had decided it was wrong to force women into arranged marriages, this is not far from what OP has done to her husband

MrsBobDylan · 15/08/2019 13:14

It's the deception I dislike.

You hardly proposed to your dh saying 'Darling, I find you a bit dull and your family irritate me, but you are a decent man and I want children so I am inviting you to make a lifelong commitment to someone who sees you as a practical necessity to achieve what she wants in life.'

Your entire op is ALL ABOUT YOU which leads me to believe that you are able to do what you have because other people's feeling and needs don't mean much to you.

Hopefullyendsmeet · 15/08/2019 13:17

I agree @MarshaBradyo

This seems to becoming a divisive thread where you’re either a pragmatic OR a hopeless romantic.

It is possible to be both pragmatic AND romantic.

The early flushes of mad all consuming passion inevitably changes as a relationship evolves but it can, and does for many, grow into a deeper intimate relationship.

If that’s not for you, that’s fine. But I find it sad that OP describes her DH as being “dull” and seems to just tolerate him in order to have children whereas he apparently was in love with her. That said, he made that choice and on some level must be aware that his feelings are not returned. Maybe they’re a better match than she thinks.

cacklingmags · 15/08/2019 13:21

Millions of women marry the safe option, nothing wrong with it at all and provides a secure home for the children.

namby · 15/08/2019 13:26

I just think that's really sad to be honest. I understand the desire for family and children....but what you have isn't a loving family with a loving partnership, it's just....functional (between you two, not saying between yourselves and the children etc). Children are only hugely time dependent on you for a few years, after that it's you and your DH, and "making do" will quickly show through the cracks. I suspect what you've done is much more common than people admit, but I hope you don't maintain the function longer than is appropriate for you both if you can seek true happiness one day.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 15/08/2019 13:57

Very selfish and he's probably aware of it deep down.

I feel so sorry for your husband.

What a fake relationship.