To have chosen a different life

[halfwaythroughaugust]

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

I wish I’d gone about it all differently, this whole Disney romantic love isn’t all its cracked up to be

Op hasn’t said she doesn’t love him at all 🙄

She says in the op ‘I don’t love’.

Not ‘ I love him in my own way’ (sounds more saccharine to me) which is what others below would probably say.

Anyway, tell us about this person you’ve got a crush on OP.

Lots of the posts here about infidelity speak of a script the cheating partner follows, which includes forgetting they ever had real feelings for their OH in comparison with the giddy limerence of the crush.

I'd be heartbroken if I was married to somebody who secretly felt this way.

The thing is, I don't think you can successfully fake love. Perhaps the Hollywood bullshit kind of love you can. But genuine, strong, unflinching love for the whole person, where you honour and celebrate all that is great about them, and accept the flaws (that each of us have, being human) - I don't think you can fake that.

So, on some level, I think your husband knows that isn't there, and is still happy to be with you. Which is fine, because everyone has their own definition of love and what is important.

I'd hate to be with to someone who secretly thought I was dull and only married me because they thought I'd be a decent mother to the children they felt they were entitled to.

But I don't think the OP is unique in what she's done. 'Settling' is probably quite common and men are also guilty of it. I doubt most people have the energy or ability to keep up a constant or convincing act so I reckon in most cases where one person has clearly settled, the other person is probably aware or has at least a bit of an inkling that they're not exactly rocking this other person's world but go along with it for whatever reason.

"I'd hate to be with to someone who secretly thought I was dull and only married me because they thought I'd be a decent mother to the children they felt they were entitled to."

@banangana you do realise that is exactly why a lot of men in their 30's/40's propose to their girlfriends right? 😂

"She's a safe bet and she'd make a good Mum" - if only I had £1 for every bloke I'd heard say along the lines of that! I'd never have to work again.

you do realise that is exactly why a lot of men in their 30's/40's propose to their girlfriends right?

Yes, I mentioned that men are also guilty of it in the very next paragraph.

@Andysbestadventure

Are these the same men who end up leaving for OW claiming they never loved their wives/was railroaded into marriage/only stayed fir the kids yadda yadda? Yep. Plenty of those around too.

Are these the same men who end up leaving for OW claiming they never loved their wives/was railroaded into marriage/only stayed fir the kids yadda yadda?

This is another problem I see with the 'marrying stable Mr/Mrs dependable is sensible and beneficial for any future children you have' line of argument. When the settlers do come across someone with whom they have a genuine connection and chemistry with, how many of them have the strength and integrity to ignore that stick with dull Mr/Mrs dependable for the sake of their children's stability? Or is it now 'life is too short to be unhappy, children are more resilient than we give them credit for and two happily divorced parents are better than unhappy parents stuck in a dead marriage'...

Agree Banangana and Hopefully

It was asked upthread but I don't think you answered OP.

Are you happy?

@hopefullyendsmeet said it best in two separate posts.

The issue isn’t even really so much about what love is as it is about a fundamental dishonesty in the way OP entered into a marriage. That is the real problem, not the semantics of love and what it means to different people.

I don’t think the OP is necessarily cruel and/or selfish but I think she does sound very detached and quite robotic. I suspect some sort of emotional trauma in early life affected her attachment style. She speaks about her husband as though he is beneath her rather than an equal which is telling.

-------------------------

This discussion isn't about arranged marriage or non-passionate love which I agree can work under the right circumstances. It is about deceiving someone to get what you want. That's fine if that's been mutually agreed but you don't get to determine a major life decision for someone by withholding information just so you can have what you want.

Also, the OP has said she started this thread because of an attraction to another man who DOES inspire romantic feelings in her.

That’s another sad consequence of this scenario. It isn’t as though she’s not capable of romantic/passionate feelings, it’s that she doesn’t have that sort of connection with her husband.

I feel sad for the OP because she’s essentially sacrificed an emotionally fulfilling life and marriage - and denied her husband one too.

But, since apparently he doesn’t know abd the OP has said she’ll never have an affair or leave him, maybe in this case ignorance is bliss for everyone involved.

I think “romantic love” is a difficult concept. It’s quite flaky and unreliable. It’s hard to disentangle from “lust”.

The love the stands the test of time is a love that comes from friendship, respect, shared experiences, children...

Have to say, I married my OH because I thought he’s hot. But I no longer have much of a sex drive, both our bodies have changed anyhow, and what I really love about him now is how kind, patient, responsible, funny (etc) he is, and what lovely children we have together.

OP, you love him in the way that counts.

Elle your version doesn’t sound the same as the op’s description. Going for it just to have children.

Elle, yours sounds like a normal relationship cycle.

There’s nothing lonelier than choosing a partner who doesn’t really stimulate your senses. And I don’t just mean sexually.

I’m not sure how it’s different really? OP didn’t experience the initial temporary part, but she has the long-lasting love that will sustain a relationship and make life together pleasant. That’s all the counts, surely?

The OP has said she respects her dh and trusts him, that he's a good father, and that they have, obviously, shared a lot of important experiences together. I suspect she loves him more than she thinks she does.

Very astute @Walkaround, I think you’re right

People are fudging it on the op’s behalf going by the op it doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like a stark choice.

Anyway others might be happy to have that and be fine if they found out. I doubt it for many though.

The OP has said she respects her dh and trusts him, that he's a good father, and that they have, obviously, shared a lot of important experiences together. I suspect she loves him more than she thinks she does.

Sounds like the relationship I have with my brother.

I agree with Banana and Hope.
All too often people leave dependable, reliable sorts when they encounter a more exciting prospect.

I dunno, I think often people leave exciting unreliable men when a more dependable sort shows up.

@TatianaLarina

Do you believe exciting and dependable is an either or?

I think when you are in a relationship that fulfils you emotionally, it is both exciting AND safe.