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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 11:48

Nah more like double standards a male op would be lynched.

MidnightMystery · 15/08/2019 11:50

It's all about survival, said Toleikyte. “You can’t survive on your own in the African Savanna, you can’t survive in the jungle on your own. So perhaps love or any other emotional attachment has been serving us to be good to each other, to be selfless sometimes, and to really take into account other people’s needs.”
Fisher agrees that love came about millions of years ago to advance the species. “It evolved to start the mating process. 97 per cent of mammals do not pair up to rear their young, but human beings do,” she said. “Human pair bonding evolved about four million years ago and along with that this brain system of romantic love evolved to allow us to start the mating process with a certain individual in order to send our DNA into tomorrow.”

www.wired.co.uk/article/what-is-love

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

Scorpiovenus · 15/08/2019 11:51

Yes but you settled and sadly this is the price for settling.

bluegirlgreen · 15/08/2019 11:54

@ReanimatedSGB

I really don't see a problem with this, and I suspect that those people wailing and wringing their hands over how 'cold' the OP is are displaying misogyny. Women are supposed to be all about 'feelings' and take no interest in the practical aspects of life.

Vast numbers of men approach marriage with the view that one woman is much like another, really, and as long as she's willing to provide domestic and sexual services and look after the DC and flatter his ego, she'll do. And women were socialised, in the past, to pick a man who would earn a good wage rather than the one with the nicest eyes or whatever, because women had to depend on men for money.

I've known a few couples where the decision to get married was more one of practicality, and they have been contentedly married for a long long time. As long as OP and her H are both content, nothing wrong with it at all.

Good sensible post.

Better than saying that those who married someone for convenience, or security, or coz they were scared of being alone, are horrible and cold, and VILE, and should never have been allowed to bear children, and SaraNade said ... Hmm

Still gobsmacked that she cannot see anything wrong in saying that.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 11:54

Bluegirl are you married out of interest?

bluegirlgreen · 15/08/2019 11:55

@ReanimatedSGB

I really don't see a problem with this, and I suspect that those people wailing and wringing their hands over how 'cold' the OP is are displaying misogyny. Women are supposed to be all about 'feelings' and take no interest in the practical aspects of life.

Vast numbers of men approach marriage with the view that one woman is much like another, really, and as long as she's willing to provide domestic and sexual services and look after the DC and flatter his ego, she'll do. And women were socialised, in the past, to pick a man who would earn a good wage rather than the one with the nicest eyes or whatever, because women had to depend on men for money.

I've known a few couples where the decision to get married was more one of practicality, and they have been contentedly married for a long long time. As long as OP and her H are both content, nothing wrong with it at all.

Good sensible post.

Better than saying that those who married someone for convenience, or security, or coz they were scared of being alone, are horrible and cold, and VILE, and should never have been allowed to bear children, as SaraNade said ... Hmm

Still gobsmacked that she cannot see anything wrong in saying that.

chicken2015 · 15/08/2019 11:56

I find it so odd people are ok with this, the op didnt write a post about how her and her husband mutually decided they would marry and start a family. The op says she married him to have children as she couldnt do it single. And find him dull. And her need for children was greater than her concern for how her husband feels or wants. He believed she married for love. She did not. And also someone saying that she gave him children which somehow cancels out what she has done. When if she was up front and honest and told him she isnt in love with him but finds him to be a good father, than dair enough its up to them. But she didnt she made me believe it was more than it was and he never got a choose in finding someone who truly loved him and had children when them. I would be devastated if my husband did this to me and i find it weird that a lot of people would be fine with it!

PickAndChew · 15/08/2019 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/08/2019 11:57

Look, many, many people get married (at least for the first time) because the partner they are currently with is a pleasant human being with no obvious flaws, and both of them like the idea of having a home and family together, and, well, why not? It's usually when they have been seeing each other for around two years, especially if they tend to mix mainly with people Just Like Them and all their friends/colleagues are either just married or about to marry and, well, it's what you do, isn't it?
There's quite a lot to be said for this sort of pragmatic approach to having a family, especially given that very few people who start out being besottedly in lurrrrve stay that way through the nappy years the struggles with in-laws, the financial ups and downs.

The only real pitfall in this sort of marriage (which, BTW, also happens in marriages that did start out all romantic and flowery) is that one or both partners suddenly meets a new person who is, or at least seems, to be a much better option than the contented-but-not-thrilling relationship they currently have.

Alsohuman · 15/08/2019 12:00

I’m struggling to see where OP says her husband “married for love”. Mutual respect, affection and friendship IS love in my book.

lazylinguist · 15/08/2019 12:00

I don't see a problem with this at all as long as it's what both partners knowingly signed up for. Previous posters are right about romantic love not having a great track record for keeping marriages together. However, if the dh thinks the OP is truly in love with him and the OP is planning on continuing that deceit (perhaps until someine better comes along), then this is very unfair.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 12:02

I know it sounds better to deride lurvve but for the most part people say their vows and mean it rather than secretly thinking nope I don’t love you, I’m doing it because I just want children

Most people at least search for initial happiness (love) before making a big commitment

SaraNade · 15/08/2019 12:04

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Alsohuman · 15/08/2019 12:06

Where does OP say she deceived him? Can someone stop frothing for a moment and find her saying that?

Toastedstrudel · 15/08/2019 12:06

Why did you post this OP? Were you expecting people to say Oh you definitely should leave him you deserve to be passionately in love?

You do come across fairly narcissistic in your replies and in your rationalising of the whole situation. I hope he wises up and leaves you for that supermodel you don’t think he’s good enough for.

bluegirlgreen · 15/08/2019 12:06

@SaraNade

For the love of God STOP. You have already had your horrible post from 11.24 deleted as it was so awful. Don't make things worse.

I am not talking to you anymore. Go away.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 12:06

It is a contract which contains vows null and void is a fair point - unless the person says I don’t love you I just want children go for it

After all some co parenting relationships start like this

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 12:07

Alsohuman she says she can’t tell him the truth as it would hurt him

Wurzelsnewhead · 15/08/2019 12:08

Interesting thread, we all make decisions others can criticise but you made the best decision for you (and he may well feel the same way). Did he declare you to be the love of his life or did he just settle as well? Bit harsh if the first and you lied, otherwise its a scenario I expect lots of couples could identify with.
Not all marriages need an all consuming spark to work ; if you have companionship, affection, laughter and mutual respect, its plenty enough ( for some) to be content.
I would ask yourself why you’re raising this now though, do you feel you have missed out or met someone else? If you find him dull maybe think of it as steady and dependable - it’s a great quality. One of your posts suggests you don’t do falling in love too often- maybe keeping him at a distance is your self protection? I’d have a chat with him to see if he is happy in your relationship or has anything he’d like to change- might surprise you and it could be a fresh start for both of you 😉

HeyThereSummerRain · 15/08/2019 12:08

I actually believe more people feel this way but would never admit to it, after all a secret is only a secret if one person knows it.

In my early twenties I worked in a large office where several women admitted to falling pregnant "accidentally" to trap their boyfriend and get the marriage they wanted. Two people got their marriages, one got to share a house and child with him but he said no to the marriage.

Personally I have a male friend who most definitely settled, nothing better that he could date came along. He is married (took him 9 years to marry her) and they now have two children. I do not know if she is aware that she wasn't the love of his life. They certainly seem happy and I will never ask him the question as to whether he is truly happy. They have been married about 12 years.

My friend (who I met through us both having children) admitted she married her husband because he was boring and "safe" unlike the unstable shit heads she dated before. They have since divorced because it became a sexless marriage because she didn't find him sexually attractive. They were still best of friends but he decided he couldn't live without sex and she told him to sleep with whoever he wanted, but he is traditional in his views and couldn't break his wedding vows. They are divorced, he is very happily living with his new girlfriend and my friend is dating a violent man, police involvement/social services involvement. Too sad.

I think marriage can be all sorts of things. We are living longer and therefore marriages potentially can last longer. Why should all marriages be based on mutual love? And what type of love? My friend is in an arranged marriage. She is very happy and has been for 30 years! They have built up their love, trust and respect for each other. It certainly wasn't burning love that drove them down the aisle.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 12:09

HeyThere they both knew and accepted it

Swellerellamoo · 15/08/2019 12:10

I think we need to hear a little more about the crush op? What is he like?

SaraNade · 15/08/2019 12:13

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zsazsajuju · 15/08/2019 12:13

I don’t think she is deceiving him. How many people tell their partners or friends what they really think of them if it would hurt their feelings. Lots of women settle (often with a man they see as a “provider”). It’s really not uncommon at all. As a pp said, it used to be what almost all women did and still do in some countries.

I am a single parent and never married cos I didn’t want to settle. But I’d say I’m in a tiny minority in my mc group of friends and school mums (my wc friends has more single parents). Many if not most of them married dull provider types. It’s not some sort of terrible deception. It’s life

AtLeastMyDogLovesMe · 15/08/2019 12:15

Don't know why people are getting so worked up about this. Romantic love is a concept that often ends badly - you only have to read these boards. Emotions cloud judgement, and looking back after a breakup people often can see how their decisions were driven by that heady feeling of being in love. Bad qualities get overlooked, poor behaviour is forgiven, even abusive behaviour gets a free pass all because...…."but I love him!" I loved my DH romantically when we married 33 years but now I love him as a partner, a companion, we have a great life together but romance? Not really. I think your biggest problem OP is not in the concept of settling, but the fact that you find him dull and dislike his family - I think you will struggle to sustain this relationship long-term.