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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Currently in bed with my ex...

109 replies

Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 04:35

Ugh! After 6 long weeks, I moved out on Friday. So far, we’ve seen eachother every day. He’s been round here for dinner,seeing the kids etc.
Back-story... together 10 years, 3 DC, wedding was booked. Our relationship died though. He never wanted to spend any time together, I was very much taken for granted as ‘mum’ and ‘housewife’, told him MANY times I was unhappy but he just didn’t believe me. Anyway, I kissed another man and told DP the next day.
He was devastated. I thought he wouldn’t be that bothered and would be glad it was all over. I was very wrong.
So, the next 6 weeks were spent living under the same roof and, while it was awful, it was perfect, too. He was attentive, talked TO me, not AT me, spent time with me, came to school events for the DC(something he’s never done before). He turned into my dream guy overnight. But he couldn’t get past what I’d done-fair enough.
I’d said, until I move out, I’m totally willing to work on this. He didn’t want to. Now I’ve moved out, he can’t get enough of me! I don’t know how I feel now though. I’m enjoying my independence and the freedom.
But, he’s in my bed... we had sex. Twice. It was better than ever.
I need to miss him to work out if I want this again. He needs to miss me too. But we can’t bear to be away from eachother.
Ffs!
How do I do this?!

OP posts:
Myfoolishboatisleaning · 15/08/2019 05:14

Oh fucking hell. Why would you accept such shit? Be strong, be independent, get fucking rid. He doesn’t want you, he just doesn’t want anyone else to have you, it hurts his ego, see?

Original poster
Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 05:17

He has said he can’t stand the idea of someone else bring with me.

OP posts:
HolidayYouWhat · 15/08/2019 05:20

So he doesn't like you enough to be attentive and kind and a good partner until he thinks someone else might be interested?

That's not a great basis for a good relationship...

SimplySteveRedux · 15/08/2019 05:20

Excellent, just a piece of property he thinks he owns then...

KC225 · 15/08/2019 05:21

Do you want out? Or do you want things to change so you can get back together? You need decide how you are going forward before you go forward.

GertrudeCB · 15/08/2019 05:24

Sounds like hysterical bonding.
You need time apart.

Original poster
Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 05:29

I honestly don’t know what I want? My brain isn’t doing it’s job! I spent 6 weeks, almost begging him to work on the relationship. He was adamant he needed space. I have stuck to my side of the deal. He gave me £1000 to get me set up, helped me move etc. He’s changed so much.
I can’t work out if what happened has given him a wake up call(this is what he’s saying) or if he is just scared of me meeting someone else?

OP posts:
Eslteacher06 · 15/08/2019 05:35

He's being like this until he has you where he wants you. No one changes overnight like that. I'd give it six months to see if he can keep it up. If so, fair enough.

IsobelRae23 · 15/08/2019 05:44

He doesn’t want you, but doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.

Original poster
Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 05:45

I don’t know if it’s sustainable on my part? I’m really liking my space. I don’t even know if he actually wants me back. He’s not said that for definite. But has certainly hinted at it. This has to be the weirdest breakup of all time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 05:47

He doesn’t want you, but doesn’t want anyone else to have you either
This is my main concern... he assures me it’s not the case though, so who knows?!

OP posts:
Myfoolishboatisleaning · 15/08/2019 05:49

I don’t think it sounds like a weird break-up at all. Many men follow this script. You are just playing along a bit too nicely.

lawnmowingsucks · 15/08/2019 05:53

He’s changed so much.

Yes he has and he will continue along these lines until it's all back to 'normal' and then it will revert to how it was with him treating you like his property

Original poster
Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 05:54

Am I? I feel quite naive. After today, he’s taking the DC to visit his parents for the weekend. I’m intrigued to see if he misses me/I miss him.
How should I play this then?
Ever read the book ‘why men love bitches?’ I read it years ago... think I need to go over it again don’t i!

OP posts:
Myfoolishboatisleaning · 15/08/2019 05:59

just stop playing games. Your kids really need you to be strong, and to be a good role model. Does wondering how much he misses you actually make you feel better? Was that book written by a man? Just toss that shit. You are better than this.

MrsMozartMkII · 15/08/2019 06:02

Playing Devil's Advocate maybe it is the wake-up call he needed. If it is the case then sad that one was needed, etc., but it is what it is.

You could just try dating for x months. Re-do the getting to know each other bit again. See what comes of it.

Original poster
Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 06:03

I feel very strong. This all started on Saturday when we spoke on the phone and he was very upset, crying. I felt sorry for him so(stupidly?) suggested doing something with the DC on Sunday. We had a lovely day. Since then, we’ve seen eachother every day!
This weekend is much needed. Need space from this

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 06:05

*Playing Devil's Advocate maybe it is the wake-up call he needed. If it is the case then sad that one was needed, etc., but it is what it is

You could just try dating for x months. Re-do the getting to know each other bit again. See what comes of it*
We actually said yesterday that it feels like the beginning again.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 15/08/2019 06:07

You need space and time apart especially as he isnt even committed to getting back together he is treating you as a free ride grab some self respect you kissed another man clearly wrong you split it's over now he wants to play happy family? Nope nope nope he just wants to string you along and dump you be very careful if he isnt committed he isnt committed

Longtalljosie · 15/08/2019 06:09

But love - the idea that when the drama is over he won’t go back to how it was before is really far fetched. Think about the everyday of your relationship before you kissed that man. Is that what you want your everyday to be like?

Original poster
Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 09:14

No no it’s not. I said to him before he left that this has to stop. And I meant it. Going to keep him at bay for a bit and see where that takes things.
As I said, I’m not entirely sure I’d want him back now

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 15/08/2019 09:17

It's not the beginning again though is it? This relationship can't cope with what life throws at it. Gather your dignity and step away, OP.

RushianDisney · 15/08/2019 09:24

I think you need to give it more time before you jump back in, the issues you had won't magically disappear. Perhaps it was the wake up call he needed, but I left my 'D'P and returned (mostly due to financial reasons tbh) because he had 'changed' in our months apart. A few months down the line of living together again and he is exactly the same as before, all the old issues have resurfaced. Stopped going to AA, started spending recklessly, talking to me like shit on his shoe, demanding sex and sulking if I don't want to. Think long and hard if you want to get back together if you can afford to live separately.

SomeAfternoonDelight · 15/08/2019 09:29

Some people do just need a kick up the arse OP. Most of the time it never lasts. But I’ve experienced both. Go with your gut x

Missingstreetlife · 15/08/2019 09:31

How will you feel if he finds someone else, because he probably will

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