Currently in bed with my ex...

[Lostinspacecakes]

Ugh! After 6 long weeks, I moved out on Friday. So far, we’ve seen eachother every day. He’s been round here for dinner,seeing the kids etc.
Back-story... together 10 years, 3 DC, wedding was booked. Our relationship died though. He never wanted to spend any time together, I was very much taken for granted as ‘mum’ and ‘housewife’, told him MANY times I was unhappy but he just didn’t believe me. Anyway, I kissed another man and told DP the next day.
He was devastated. I thought he wouldn’t be that bothered and would be glad it was all over. I was very wrong.
So, the next 6 weeks were spent living under the same roof and, while it was awful, it was perfect, too. He was attentive, talked TO me, not AT me, spent time with me, came to school events for the DC(something he’s never done before). He turned into my dream guy overnight. But he couldn’t get past what I’d done-fair enough.
I’d said, until I move out, I’m totally willing to work on this. He didn’t want to. Now I’ve moved out, he can’t get enough of me! I don’t know how I feel now though. I’m enjoying my independence and the freedom.
But, he’s in my bed... we had sex. Twice. It was better than ever.
I need to miss him to work out if I want this again. He needs to miss me too. But we can’t bear to be away from eachother.
Ffs!
How do I do this?!

I’m interested to see if I miss him...

self obsessed. what about your kids?

You said upthread you loved him.

And you set up your thread with a drama lama subject line. 'In bed with my ex'.

This is not the behaviour of a mature woman with 3 kids.
Sorry.

I get universal credit. The first payment hasn’t come through yet though.
He owns the family home as he built it. I have no entitlement to that

I wouldn’t say I’m self obsessed at all. I’m very confused. I haven’t had a chance to miss him. The children are 4,7 and 9. They miss their daddy so seed quite happy to have him at their new house

why are you drip feeding? 4 pages in and you didn't start off saying he asked you to leave.
But I expect he did when you told him you'd been unfaithful.

why exactly did you taunt him with The Kiss?
What was the point if you'd decided it was over?

so you have lived with a man for 10 years, have 3 kids together, no joint home, and have no equity or job so you can support yourself. Wasn't that rather short sighted? You expect him and the tax payer to support your choice to leave him?

Meh.

I’m feeling just a little about this.

Of course he asked me to leave. I cheated on him! Obviously took awhile to find a house etc.
I stayed as long as I did because I had no idea how I’d support myself. Should I have stayed in an unhappy relationship just to spare the tax payer? I’m starting a new job in September so will be in a much better position to take the weight of my sponging ways off the taxpayers shoulders

What I think is this....

you need to start being honest. First with us and with yourself.

You didn't just 'kiss' a man. Posters have questioned what happened and you have not denied it was more than a kiss. If you shagged him, at least be honest. No DP would throw away 10 years and kids 3 kids for a kiss- would they? You must have bigged it up for him to do that.

You have not even said what your DP has done wrong other than treat you like a mum and a housewife. Well, maybe he fact you are a SAHM is part of that. Have you ever asked what you bring to the relationship?

I have the impression your DP works hard, he built the house you live in so maybe he is a builder working all hours to give you a good lifestyle as you choose not to work.

But because he is a bit short on the attention side of things, possibly as he is working his butt off, you decide to leave him and to make it simpler, see another man and 'kiss' him, tell your DP, so your DP gets angry and asks you to leave.

Start being honest. Your DP doesn't sound like a bad man, just a busy man who doesn't do the flowers and attention as much as he should.

Seriously. If your kids were your priority, or his, you would not have moved them out of your home without being BLOODY SURE the relationship was over. Bollocks they're your priority, either of you. Your priority is to make him prioritise YOU and make you feel specual by creating a bit of sexual jealousy. Congratulations, achieved. And you only had to uproot and confuse the shit out of your three young children to 'prove' to him that he'd want you back if you left. Honestly can't believe you're old enough to have three kids, you sound like a spoilt teenager.

Stop thinking with your loins and have a mature conversation where you make a decision about your relationship. No more shagging until you've figured it out. That should motivate you I should think.

Yup, I assure you it was just a kiss. He’s a wonderful dad, but not great at the partner bit. I was forever trying to arrange days/nights out for us but he was too busy. He was t too busy to go away with his mates for 3 days though. That pissed me off.
I’m very low maintenance. He’s always known this. Flowers die, money gets spent. I just wanted some of his time. Just a small piece so u didn’t feel quite so invisible and insignificant to him.
No, I didn’t work. But I did EVERYTHING Else. He hasn’t even done a food shop in the week since I left!
I was sure the relationship was over. I wouldn’t have moved out otherwise. If he’s saying he needs space though, I didn’t have much choice

so why did you tell him about the kiss?

I'm sorry but you sound spoilt.
what do your parents and friends say? You've only told us a fraction of what is really going on.

You clearly want attention - you posted in AIBU not Relationships and you wrote 'currently in bed blah blah ' as if you were resting your laptop on your tits at the same time.

Basically your relationship has hit the doldrums as many do, but you've decided to search for excitement and flounce out rather than buckling down and trying to make it work.

How old are you?

Im 37. I tried so hard for a good 12 months to make it work. I was the perfect little woman! I became exhausted from it all.
In my experience, I’d rather be told about infidelity than have to find out myself.

Hes only interested because he doesn't like the thought of someone playing with 'his' toy. From experience, if you go back he'll make a big initial effort then gradually revert back to type.

I asked him again this morning if that was the case. He says not...

Moving out was a very, very bad plan.

Get some legal advice asap!

You could end up in a bad housing and financial situation with less time than him with your DC.

The thing is, you say you tried, but we know nothing of the back story going on.

For example, why did you choose not to work? You are lucky to have had that choice and if he runs his own business (does he?) that's a huge amount of pressure. The fact you did everything at home seems a fair trade-off.

You commented that he's not done a food shop since you left. It's been 6 days! And he's been over to your new home each night for dinner. So you are not exactly being reasonable there.

I think for anyone to really understand how you feel, we need more detail. For example, what he does for a job and how many hours he is out of the house.

what you actually mean by 'taking you for granted' and treating you like a housewife. You ARE a housewife. If you took on the role of a full time parent, and he works full time, what do you expect?

But what does treating you like a housewife mean? What exactly are you not getting that you want?

Do you see what I'm getting at?

Maybe he's simply too knackered after working all hours and you are sitting at home bored expecting him to swoop in and take you out to dinner.

what have you got in your life to make you happy and feel good? It's not up to him to fill that gap.

You said in your first post that love had died. I think that you have a teenagers view of what love is like. It's not all rosy and date nights- it's bloody hard work and when you have kids you knuckle down and work at it.

In my experience, I’d rather be told about infidelity than have to find out myself.

How was it infidelity when you had decided to leave him? He didn't need to know.

Stop making excuses. You threw it at him for a reaction.

Start being honest.

Right- I'm off as you aren't listening and don't want to accept any responsibility for the mess you have created.

All this fuss over a kiss is a huge overreaction IMO!

Stop playing along. He has drastically changed because he is terrified you will move on and possibly find someone better than him. You’ll realise how shit he actually is and that is terrifying him. He hasn’t actually changed at all, I guarantee if you went back to him the same shit would occur after a few weeks.

It’s time to leave, stick by your decision.

100% hysterical bonding. He doesn't actually want you. He just doesn't want anyone else too either.

I’d rather be happy and broke than miserable with a few extra quid