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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Currently in bed with my ex...

109 replies

Lostinspacecakes · 15/08/2019 04:35

Ugh! After 6 long weeks, I moved out on Friday. So far, we’ve seen eachother every day. He’s been round here for dinner,seeing the kids etc.
Back-story... together 10 years, 3 DC, wedding was booked. Our relationship died though. He never wanted to spend any time together, I was very much taken for granted as ‘mum’ and ‘housewife’, told him MANY times I was unhappy but he just didn’t believe me. Anyway, I kissed another man and told DP the next day.
He was devastated. I thought he wouldn’t be that bothered and would be glad it was all over. I was very wrong.
So, the next 6 weeks were spent living under the same roof and, while it was awful, it was perfect, too. He was attentive, talked TO me, not AT me, spent time with me, came to school events for the DC(something he’s never done before). He turned into my dream guy overnight. But he couldn’t get past what I’d done-fair enough.
I’d said, until I move out, I’m totally willing to work on this. He didn’t want to. Now I’ve moved out, he can’t get enough of me! I don’t know how I feel now though. I’m enjoying my independence and the freedom.
But, he’s in my bed... we had sex. Twice. It was better than ever.
I need to miss him to work out if I want this again. He needs to miss me too. But we can’t bear to be away from eachother.
Ffs!
How do I do this?!

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 09:49

He has said he can’t stand the idea of someone else bring with me

Tough shit. He either wants you or he doesn’t. If he’s not willing to do it properly he can fuck off.

verticality · 15/08/2019 09:57

"But he couldn’t get past what I’d done-fair enough."

In the moral scheme of things, I would say kissing another person is far less bad than ignoring, neglecting and taking someone for granted for an extended period of time. I'm not excusing the kissing, I'm just saying that this needs to be borne in mind.

It sounds like he's manipulating you. All of a sudden, he's the attentive, perfect guy - and you're the bad one who 'broke things'. He's still ended the relationship, despite all his newly-found niceness. I would be proceeding with extreme caution: people can change, but it's rare and it takes more commitment than he is currently showing.

OMGshefoundmeout · 15/08/2019 10:01

I think it’s telling that the first thing you say is that you ‘moved out’ not that you left him. All you’ve done is move your drama to a different location.

What you are doing is unkind to your children. They need security and consistency in their lives not two parents who move in and out, making up and breaking up. You need to make up your mind. Either leave him and stay left (which means no dramatic reunion shags) or stay with him and work on your relationship.

I don’t know your DP but if he is anything like 95% of us, he will promise the earth to get you to move back and then everything will revert to normal after a couple of weeks.

If you are serious about making a go of this, go for couples counselling. If that convinces you both that you are both capable of making the changes needed to be happy together then it might be worth reuniting. If it convinces you that you are not well suited, at least you’ll know for sure you are doing the right thing.
If you aren’t both prepared to put in the time and effort of applying for, waiting for, paying for and then working through that sort of therapy you are probably better off making a clean break now and letting your children settle down with the new situation.

purplewhitegreen · 15/08/2019 10:04

How old are your DC. Why did you move out? I'd be fighting for the house if it were me.

Ninkaninus · 15/08/2019 10:05

‘He’s changed so much’

Really? Hmm

He hasn’t. If he was going to change he would have done so already, long ago.

You’re potentially prolonging your pain and the disruption for your children. Quick, sharp, rip the plaster off, and don’t go back on it!

Sorry but it would be really stupid to think it’s going to be different. It’s not. So then you’ll be back to square one, but doubly disappointed because he’ll have got you back right where he wants you. So you’ll break up again. And then your children will be doubly upset, doubly destabilised and doubly confused.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2019 10:06

He has said he can’t stand the idea of someone else bring with me

So fucking what? What do YOU want?

Jesus. If you're 'in bed with him' and posting on Mumsnet, I don't think your answer is him.

Grow up.

Juells · 15/08/2019 10:06

So where are your children? Are they moving out with you? Staying in the house with your ex?

Three children under ten and not a mention of which of you will be looking after them or where they'll be living when you've moved into the wonderful place you've found for £1,000 Hmm Or have I missed a post?

AnnoyedEstateAgent · 15/08/2019 10:06

Why don’t you find someone who wants to be nice to you all the time, and not just when he’s at risk of losing you? If you get back together he will soon slip into his old ways.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/08/2019 10:08

What a confusing and upsetting situation. Wishing you all the best, OP.

NoCauseRebel · 15/08/2019 10:08

There is fault on both sides here.

Let’s be honest, if this was a woman posting that her husband had kissed another woman nobody would be justifying that on the basis that she had been neglecting the relationship. Instead people would be saying that he should have ended it first.

Fact here is that you are both in a place where this relationship hasn’t been working for you, and contrary to other posters this might be the kick up the arse that you both need. There is no telling whether he will revert back to how things originally were, and there’s no telling that you won’t be unfaithful to him again;

If this is genuinely what you both want, would you both be prepared to go to counselling?

Nousernameforme · 15/08/2019 10:12

If it's so wonderful now then why go back to how it was before. Stay living separately but continue to see each other if you are happy with that.

Juells · 15/08/2019 10:14

What's happening with the children? Have they magically evaporated?
Has any thought been given to them at all?

PuzzledObserver · 15/08/2019 10:16

“How should I play this then?”

Stop sleeping with him would be a good start. And don’t immediately start seeing anyone else either. Work out how to be a single adult, co-parent your children with him, reassess in a few months.

Sherry19 · 15/08/2019 10:20

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Limt · 15/08/2019 10:20

When you're not sure what to do, do nothing.

You haven't actually given yourself time to think properly.

BenWillbondsPants · 15/08/2019 10:21

He has said he can’t stand the idea of someone else bring with me.

That's completely different to him actually wanting to be with you. As soon as you get back to normal, everything will go back to the shitty way it was.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2019 10:28

Both of you have zero boundaries. Your poor kids must be so confused.

Use this weekend to have a complete break. And yes, this means switching off your phone. Shock horror!

it may take longer than 2 days for you to disconnect emotionally, but it's a start. I would also suggest some counselling to help you work through your confused thought processes.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 15/08/2019 10:34

He doesn’t want you, but he can’t stand the thought of you being happy with someone else, or even on your own. So he’s going to keep this sad puppy act up and continue to sabotage your independence- probably right up to the point where he finds some other gullible woman to move in.

ChuckleBuckles · 15/08/2019 10:35

He has said he can’t stand the idea of someone else bring with me.That's completely different to him actually wanting to be with you. As soon as you get back to normal, everything will go back to the shitty way it was.

With the added bonus of the emotional and verbal drubbing OP will get for having kissed another man and then moved out.

OP is he the type to go to counselling with you to work out if the relationship is worth working on or if you are better off working towards a peaceful co-parenting set up? You may want to have a read up about hysterical bonding.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 15/08/2019 10:38

He'll go back to the way he was, and not only that, but he'll punish you for kissing someone else

TheVanguardSix · 15/08/2019 10:42

Ok, first off stop playing at life like toddlers inside the wendy house. I've been in your shoes, so don't take my harsh words personally!

Your history together (10 years and 3 kids) deserves more than what the pair of you are doing to it. Take some time to intelligently thinking about what is fair and right for everyone. Stop treating what you guys have so frivolously. Make a good, considered decision as to whether or not you should repair what you have or move on.
You're old enough to drink, operate a licensed vehicle, raise children and make huge decisions with regards to their welfare and schooling.
Get your head back on and face those hard, hard options/decisions in front of you. It's not fun, but it's got to be done. You can't carry on in this weird, dishonest limbo. It's unhealthy for everyone and it will all end in tears.

jesuschristwtf · 15/08/2019 10:52

ah - so he doesnt want you, but doesnt want anyone else to have you either? Nice guy. Wake up and move on OP.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 15/08/2019 10:56

He is ex for a reason.
Remember why and move on....

Chickoletta · 15/08/2019 10:57

This man is the father of your children. If he says he's changed and is prepared to be the partner you deserve, I think you should give him a chance for everybody's sake.

QualCheckBot · 15/08/2019 10:57

You cheated on your husband? partner? father of your children? Too money for him to set yourself up in another house? With your children? Without? And are currently in bed with him, posting on social media about him and his faults?

If a man did all that to me, I'd kick him up the backside so far that he wouldn't see daylight!

Perhaps you are a person who needs a lot of attention...

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