Sister not being supportive of new baby

[FiveFarthings]

I have an 8 day old baby girl and my younger sister, though seemingly excited during my pregnancy (buying baby outfits etc) now apparently can’t seem to give a toss and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in expecting more from her?

I had a terrible induction followed by failed pushing (baby got stuck) which resulted in emergency c-section and blood loss. Suffice to say birth was a bit of a slog.

Anyway, two days after birth sister came to visit in hospital with my parents. She is nearly thirty but honestly looked like a 14 year old who had been forced to visit an elderly aunt or something. She wasn’t interested at all in hearing about what happened, she didn’t coo over the baby or ask how we were, and then started talking about a meeting with her manager she had later that afternoon and how much she hated her job.

A day later we went home and my parents brought our dog home. I sent her a picture of the dog meeting baby for the first time. Her response was that she was annoyed that my parents had dropped the dog off as she had wanted to walk him from their house that evening.

Since then I’ve sent her a few pics of the baby with no response. I asked her how it went her manager and she told me he’s a dick and she’s looking for a new job and I commiserated with her.

I asked her if she wanted to come for a visit on the weekend but it was a big ho-ha for her as she didn’t have her car (god forbid she could get the bus) so no firm plans where made. We had a really bad night so I texted and asked if we could cancel. She saw the message but no reply so I rang her to explain, she didn’t answer and didn’t phone back.

I again invited her for a visit the following weekend. No response for two days. She then said she’s can’t come as she’s going to a local music festival plus she has interviews during the week so she needed to prepare.

Not once has she asked how I am or how the baby is. I’ve just left it by telling her she should just let me know when she wants to see the baby and wished her luck with her interviews.

Last year, sister was buying a house with her then boyfriend and they were planning on trying for a baby at the start of this year. She found out he’d cheated on her and they broke up. She was heartbroken and didn’t want to move back in with my parents so she moved in with husband and I in December for a month, we looked after her, helped her find a flat etc. It was whilst she was living with us that I found out I was pregnant.

She was a total mess following the break up but has since started seeing someone else, we’ve met him (lovely guy) and he’s met the parents and he’s even going on holiday with sister and my parents in September.

My mum reckons that the birth of the baby is bringing back memories of my sister’s ex, making her think that maybe she might be pregnant herself right about now in the lovely house they were going to buy if he hadn’t cheated.

My sister and aren’t super close but we text a few times a week and meet for coffee/dinner etc every couple of weeks. She is well educated, well travelled, popular and has quite a high-pressure job in trust where she manages quite large sums of money, but sometimes she appear emotionally stunted (unable to hide it if she’s in a bad mood, if she’s grumpy then everyone has to suffer- takes after my dad!)

My question is, should I just let it go? A friend has said that it’s her loss that she’s not getting to know her niece, but this really is bothering me. I have a feeling if I say something then she will react even more negatively. My family have never been the best communicators at the best of times. Does she need time to come round or should I say something?

Like a PP said, new baby is amazing for new parents, best thing in the world, as it should be... for everyone else... not so much...

To me babies are all just annoying sentient potatoes!

“The sister is downright selfish and it probably would help her mental health to stop focusing on her own issues all the time and think about what others are going through occassionaly as well.”

Ooh gosh, didn’t realise you knew the sister in rl. It is good to have an insider’s view. I take it the sister has form for outright self-concern then, because as an isolated incident, it appears she is going through a tough time and might be in the doldrums. I wouldn’t like to offer the benefit of the doubt if she is downright selfish.

She's having problems at work, looking for another job and prepping for interviews. That's massively stressful and far more important to her than a baby at the moment.

@Topsecretidentity

I had a similarly traumatic birth and I have sisters like the OP. They are slightly younger and without children and had no experience of birth. They had no idea what I had been through despite me explaining. It wasn't that they didn't care, they just didn't get it.

I don't think that's a low bar. It's just that people have different experiences they can draw on. They had no experience of surgery or babies.

I think part of the problem here is that time goes so differently when you have a newborn. It probably feels to you like you've had your daughter forever, that she's already changed so much and that being in hospital (when you last saw your sister) was a lifetime ago.

She's not on newborn time, she's on normal time, so it will feel to her like she saw you v recently - and she did, a week ago!

Quite frankly @Topsecretidentity your comment about the sister is ridiculous.

"it probably would help her mental health to stop focusing on her own issues all the time and think about what others are going through occassionaly as well"

I agree this doesn’t sound like jealousy. It’s probably more that you aren’t close in the first place and so she’s probably just not that into your life / baby now she’s met her. Many people aren’t into other people’s babies, even if they are close family. If your sister had been a brother you probably wouldn’t even have noticed!

@pictish maybe was a little harsh on the sister but it really isn't hard to offer support. She might not be selfish but she certainly can't be accused of being considerate.

@Teachermaths neither did my two sisters have babies when I had my first and they were a lot younger than OP's sister but were able to show a lot more interest and support (which I believed to be genuine but even if they were faking is a lot more helpful for a new mum than just ignoring her). It's one thing not to understand the ins and outs of having a baby/ lack of sleep etc. It's another thing not to ask or care how mum is recovering after surgery. Maybe I'm just lucky but if my sister's had behaved like OPs sister I would have been disappointed.

I don’t think there’s any need to analyse this at all tbh. Eight days old and people assume that she’s jealous/has issues in her own life/is struggling to come to terms etc etc etc? Newsflash. Her life is still continuing. It’s only the OP’s who has changed. And more importantly, new babies aren’t really that interesting.

But we’ve likely all been there, I know I have. When my DS was born my SIL came and saw him two days after, and then didn’t see him again for another eight months and was upset that he didn’t want to go to her. A massive family row ensued where she told us we kept snatching DS away from her every time she went near him, and we, (and especially now eXH) said that it was obvious she wasn’t interested in him and just wanted to be seen to be a cool auntie in front of others, and ILs had their own piece to say....

But you know what? She probably wasn’t that interested in him. Just because he was the centre of my world my expectation that he should be the centre of everyone else’s was unreasonable, but it came from a place of thought that if I thought this way about him then so should everyone else have...

I look back at that now and cringe. And although none of us acted particularly well at the time, life moves on.

SIL went on to have two children of her own several years later. And sadly for her she had to go through assisted conception for that to happen. And I don’t think she regretted not getting involved with DS as a baby, they went on to form their own relationship as time went on.

She passed away recently and none of what happened back then is relevant now. And it wouldn’t have been even if she hadn’t died.

These first few days/weeks/months are just a snapshot of your baby’s life. She will grow up to become an adult in her own right, and her relationship with her auntie will be what it becomes. The first days don’t define that.

Topsecret, sometimes it’s really hard to be supportive. Sometimes we just don’t have any reserves to offer and it’s the hardest thing in the world. I have no idea if that’s the case here, I’m simply making the observation.

sometimes it’s really hard to be supportive. Sometimes we just don’t have any reserves to offer and it’s the hardest thing in the world

This. The sister is going through a stressful time in her own life, after an incredibly stressful time. Why should someone having a baby trump all other problems? I remember going through problems at work with a boss who was downright toxic - it affected every part of my life and I could see no way out that didn't involve changing jobs - which isn't always as easy as some posters seem to think and is doubly difficult if you have other shit going on in your life.

She's having problems at work, looking for another job and prepping for interviews. That's massively stressful and far more important to her than a baby at the moment
That and the fact that indeed, 8 days is a different lifetime when you've had a baby to when you are in a stressful job and days are over before we need them to.

I think your sister is caught up in a very dark spiral of jealousy.

Or it could just be that she finds babies boring, & is currently intent on her own life.

A bit shit for OP, having been a good older sister while younger sis was going through grief ... but ... not everybody find the actuality of babies all that thrilling.

"Caught up in a dark spiral of jealousy" my arse. She may be a little envious, but - no, sorry, can't stop laughing at that overwrought phrase.

Hi OP

I dont think YABU to be a bit hurt. Yes a lot of people aren't bothered about tiny babies but to completely ignore a sister who has just gone through a difficult birth is different, she could at least ask how you are.

I wouldn't push a relationship between your sister and baby though. It will come in time, or not, but forcing her to appear interested wont help

If you want to see her you could try texting her saying you're knackered, hormonal and in pain from the surgery and after effects and could really do with some support and would appreciate a visit. If she doesnt step up then I guess at least you will know where you stand

I don't understand why you are getting such a hard time on here OP.
I completely get where you are coming from and would be very upset with my sister if she didn't show any interest in my baby.
She sounds very jealous to me.
I would just let her be for a bit and hopefully she will come round soon.

Congratulations, enjoy this time with your baby.

Just let it go and focus on keeping in touch with the people who make an effort. I have a similar situation with my sister who has only seen my 4 month old twice and never asks about him. Anything I say about my son gets turned in to a competition with her dog and she has told our mother that the dog is her grandchild too and she has to spend time with the dog and babysit it. It's not worth the effort trying to maintain contact with someone who just isn't interested. As a mother of a young baby there are much betterthings for you to focus on.

I think it’s probably easy for new mums to forget that while your life revolves around your baby, nobody else’s does. I was delighted when my nephew was born and went to see him when he was a couple of days old (not at the hospital) and then I probably didn’t see him again for a few weeks. That didnt mean I didn’t care or wasn’t interested in him! But life does go on for everyone else when yours changes. Everyone else’s life rolls on just the same and your baby doesn’t impact on that.

Haven't read the full thread, but not everyone likes babies. I spent my friends 9 month pregnancy warning her I would not want to cuddle or interact with the baby. No thanks. Didn't stop me visiting as I thought it important to support my friend and give her some adult conversation for a bit, but I wasn't going to see the kid.

I guess my point is that we were there supporting her when she was in need, but now I’ve had major surgery and have a tiny baby at home, I didn’t think it was too much to ask at least for a text now and then to ask how we are or if we need anything.

Do you have a supportive DH or DP? Only you haven’t mentioned him. Yet You seem fixated on your sister. Why do you think this is OP?

I’m not having a go you understand, but you’re a new Mum and this is bugging you. if you can’t let it go it might be worth having a chat to your GP or midwife.

YANBU OP. But there's nothing you can really do that will make the situation better. Catch 22.

Pull back, and try not to be too hurt by it. But remember, next time she wants to lean you you and your DH emotionally.

Enjoy the snuggles! They're amazing.

Just a quick follow-up, with a traumatic birth it is worth asking your midwife if there are perinatal mental health sevices in your area. They're really lovely and helpful in the early days, and can spot if you are having any issues post birth X.

I completely understand your disappointment but you cant change her and have enough on your plate. I used to be very close to my DB who lives about 25 mins away. DD just turned 1 and he has seen her 3 times . He lied and said he was on holiday for her birthday party and I heard nothing from him on her birthday. He makes over £200k a year and didnt even send his niece a card. DD nearly died after birth due to hospital negligence which was understandably traumatic for me. He literally couldn't give a shit (he's in his 30s so not a teenager). Obviously he didn't choose to have a niece but I can't say it hasnt affected how I feel about him. Take a step back from your relationship with your Dsis. You have enough going on without worrying about what she's doing. I certainly wouldn't be putting myself out and sending photos etc.

Another one who thinks you need to give your sister some space, I'm afraid.

A long-time friend gave birth to a much-longed for child, a week or two after I got out of hospital from having surgery which rendered me infertile. That was a really tough time. I did show interest - asked for pictures, thought about and sent a suitable gift - but it was really hard to summon up the reserves to do that. I realise that that's not what your sister is going through, exactly, but my point is that it's hard to know what's going on in someone else's head, and how hard it might be for them to be whatever you want them to be. I wouldn't have judged me if I'd shown no interest at all, and I hope my friend wouldn't have, either. I get why it's hard for you, but I really think that you have to let this go and enjoy what you do have. You can't force her to do what you need if she just can't do it.

I don't think your sister is trying to upset you or being deliberately thoughtless, so I'd let it go. Of course it would have been nice that she show more interest, but as many others have said, not everyone is that interested in other people's kids. I'm one of the people that a pp mentioned that absolutely loves hanging out with my nephew now he's 5, previously he was pretty boring or trying. I don't think you should expect nor want your sister to simply tolerate your baby. You can't force someone to enjoy something 🤷🏼‍♀️

My DB was useless after my C section with my DS. Saw me in hospital and saw very little of him after. He is a workaholic with no experience of babies surgery or how much a new baby can change your life.
Having said that he meant no harm or offence he just didn't understand when I had my late miscarriage he took time off work to care for my DS and they have an amazing relationship. Not all people get babies it's hard but she's in a shit place you have a DH and parents sorry but let it go.