Sister not being supportive of new baby

[FiveFarthings]

I have an 8 day old baby girl and my younger sister, though seemingly excited during my pregnancy (buying baby outfits etc) now apparently can’t seem to give a toss and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in expecting more from her?

I had a terrible induction followed by failed pushing (baby got stuck) which resulted in emergency c-section and blood loss. Suffice to say birth was a bit of a slog.

Anyway, two days after birth sister came to visit in hospital with my parents. She is nearly thirty but honestly looked like a 14 year old who had been forced to visit an elderly aunt or something. She wasn’t interested at all in hearing about what happened, she didn’t coo over the baby or ask how we were, and then started talking about a meeting with her manager she had later that afternoon and how much she hated her job.

A day later we went home and my parents brought our dog home. I sent her a picture of the dog meeting baby for the first time. Her response was that she was annoyed that my parents had dropped the dog off as she had wanted to walk him from their house that evening.

Since then I’ve sent her a few pics of the baby with no response. I asked her how it went her manager and she told me he’s a dick and she’s looking for a new job and I commiserated with her.

I asked her if she wanted to come for a visit on the weekend but it was a big ho-ha for her as she didn’t have her car (god forbid she could get the bus) so no firm plans where made. We had a really bad night so I texted and asked if we could cancel. She saw the message but no reply so I rang her to explain, she didn’t answer and didn’t phone back.

I again invited her for a visit the following weekend. No response for two days. She then said she’s can’t come as she’s going to a local music festival plus she has interviews during the week so she needed to prepare.

Not once has she asked how I am or how the baby is. I’ve just left it by telling her she should just let me know when she wants to see the baby and wished her luck with her interviews.

Last year, sister was buying a house with her then boyfriend and they were planning on trying for a baby at the start of this year. She found out he’d cheated on her and they broke up. She was heartbroken and didn’t want to move back in with my parents so she moved in with husband and I in December for a month, we looked after her, helped her find a flat etc. It was whilst she was living with us that I found out I was pregnant.

She was a total mess following the break up but has since started seeing someone else, we’ve met him (lovely guy) and he’s met the parents and he’s even going on holiday with sister and my parents in September.

My mum reckons that the birth of the baby is bringing back memories of my sister’s ex, making her think that maybe she might be pregnant herself right about now in the lovely house they were going to buy if he hadn’t cheated.

My sister and aren’t super close but we text a few times a week and meet for coffee/dinner etc every couple of weeks. She is well educated, well travelled, popular and has quite a high-pressure job in trust where she manages quite large sums of money, but sometimes she appear emotionally stunted (unable to hide it if she’s in a bad mood, if she’s grumpy then everyone has to suffer- takes after my dad!)

My question is, should I just let it go? A friend has said that it’s her loss that she’s not getting to know her niece, but this really is bothering me. I have a feeling if I say something then she will react even more negatively. My family have never been the best communicators at the best of times. Does she need time to come round or should I say something?

Personally I have zero interest in babies or children and I'd rather not bother. A puppy or a kitten though, I'll be there with bells on

I think it's a bit much for your sister to be moaning to you about her work when she knows what you've gone through but she seems a bit thick-skinned - you may need to tell her. She's clearly not picking up on it by herself.

Also remember that you are massively, massively hormonal, and filter your reactions accordingly. Your life is not more important than your sister’s life just because you have had a baby. Sorry, but there it is.

OP, are you the older sister? If so I'd guess that she is subconsciously feeling the loss of her place as the baby everyone dances around. My DSis did this a little when I had mine, although she was in her early 20s and entitled to be a little childish IMO. They come round in the end.

I don’t think this is such a big deal. I think she might well be jealous and so she’s keeping her distance for now. We had a very similar situation with my DS when our DC were born. There’s no shame in being jealous, we can’t help what we feel. If she does feel that way keeping a polite, cordial distance between you for now is probably the best way for her to handle it.

And as other people have said, she has a lot on in her own life right now. You having a baby is (quite rightly) the biggest thing in your world but it isn’t necessarily the biggest thing in hers.

I don’t understand why people are saying she’s jealous. Maybe she’s just not the maternal type, maybe she’s not a baby person? Not everyone wants to hear about people’s birth experiences especially if they haven’t been through birth themselves. People have babies all the time but normal life still goes on. She could have shown a bit more interest in how you are recovering but I don’t think you can expect anyone to go all mushy at the sight of a new baby or to be around more than usual.

I agree with PPs that your sister has absolutely no idea what having a baby is like.

You have "everything" she ever wanted and she's probably struggling with that too.

Give her time. If you only see her every couple of weeks then I wouldn't expect the frequency to increase much due to baby. Babies are boring.

Yes, stop sending photos for the time being. I'm sure you'll hear from her before too long and it will all be fine. She'll probably realise she's been a bit off and turn up with another gift for the baby.

You need to leave it. Say what? She doesn't have to be into the baby, it's a massive deal for you but maybe she just doesn't see it as one or maybe she doesn't want to be around babies as it makes her reflext on what could have been for her, either way what would you say? "You aren't making enough effort"? She doesn't have to however sad you find it.

Sounds like your sister has other things going on for her which she has to focus on. Be happy you have a lovely healthy baby and enjoy your first few days with him. Don't be worrying about what your sister should or shouldn't have done.

Congratulations!!!

You know what, OP? I get where you're coming from. We all do. But to live it is to learn it. Cut her some slack. She is just not going to understand until she travels down that road herself. Some people do have more empathy than others. Your sister just doesn't get it yet and there is probably an element of slight jealousy (she's not proud, I'm sure). Give her time. She'll come around and this blip will pass.
Bond with your beautiful baby.

Op, I totally get where you're coming from. I think it's odd that your sister is so uninterested and I'd be hurt by it too. Even if she isn't a baby person surely as a 30 year old woman she knows that her sister has been through a massive life experience and could do with a bit of sisterly support?

I'd leave it though op. It's not worth falling out over, so don't bring it up with her. Just stop the photos and messages and leave it to her to get in touch.

Congratulations on your newborn!

I don’t understand why people are saying she’s jealous. Maybe she’s just not the maternal type, maybe she’s not a baby person? Not everyone wants to hear about people’s birth experiences especially if they haven’t been through birth themselves. People have babies all the time but normal life still goes on. She could have shown a bit more interest in how you are recovering but I don’t think you can expect anyone to go all mushy at the sight of a new baby or to be around more than usual.

And THIS!

“She's 30 and living with her parents, I'm pretty sure that's its made her feel like she should be with someone, in her own place trying for a baby.”

That’s what I think too. Her plans fell to shit and she’s having to pick herself up and start again. It’s a big undertaking both practically and mentally. She’s in a completely different world to you right now.
It’s been eight days...I understand that you feel hurt by her seeming lack of interest but it’s entirely possible that she simply isn’t in the place to provide what you would like from her.

Give her time. Your eight day old doesn’t require her presence in any notable way. You enjoy your wee baby. Xx

It's only been eight days, it's really too early to be saying she doesn't want a relationship with her niece etc. Give her some time, not everybody will react to your baby the way you expect them to, but let the aunt / niece relationship happen naturally (as long as you leave the door open and offer opportunities for her to visit and get to know your DD)

Having said that...your DSis does sound quite self centred, and wants everything to be all about her. I would hold off a bit with baby updates and baby photos, while still keeping communication open and wait for her to reach out, which hopefully she will do naturally, as I wouldn't want to force my baby on someone who really isn't interested.

I may be a bit off the mark here....but it seems your sisterly relationship follows a pattern of you showing interest in her life, following up and asking about events in her life, supporting her and worrying about her (I.e. you are the supporting act and she is the main act) I only say this because it reminds me of me and my DSis, when I pulled back and waited for her to reach out and ask after me and my family (during some big life events) I began to notice contact fizzled out, she never asked or Isis attention as she really was only ever interested in conversations being about her. When I stopped showing a great interest in the dramas and triumphs in her life I lost the appeal of being her doting 'audience' and our relationship has sadly almost fizzled out completely.

I really hope this doesn't happen to you, and that your DSis steps up to the role of doting auntie soon.

I think your Mum is on the money, she is jealous because you have everything she wants.

*paid (Isis?)

TBH, you wouldn't see me coo over a new baby and suggesting I mind her. I have a child, I spent one year on maternity leave with her, I love her with all my heart and I was taking care of her mostly with zero to low support as my DH travels a lot on business and he was really busy during the year. We have no relatives living close so I was left there on my own.
I didn't mind and gave all my love to her. I just don't feel the love and care for other babies. Will contribute to presents, will duly admire them but that's it.
Just like I didn't expect anyone to take care from me even though I was recovering from a C-section, I wouldn't expect anyone in the family to do that for me. It was my choice to have the baby so I need to sort it out and as painful as it was, I wasn't dying afterward so with a bit of help in the first five days from DH I was capable of basic stuff such as breastfeeding, changing the nappies and DD.
Not everyone is maternal. Don't get hung up on it because you will feel resentment toward your sister which could be very unjust. Just because she's not there with nanny duties doesn't mean she doesn't love you or your baby.

@FiveFarthings I really don't understand the majority of other posters either. They have a really low bar of what family and friendship means if they don't think the minimum your sister could do is feign interest in what you have to say and reply to your texts (you've texted maybe 3 times max in the space of 8 days- not much). You've even managed to show interest in her work during this time but she can't ask about the baby? That's basic adulthood...I wasn't maternal at all before becoming a mum, but when my friends had babies I would ask for updates and act interested given, being an adult, I understood they were going through a major life change (just like I pretend to be interested about my friends changing jobs or house when sometimes I couldn't care less).

It's not difficult to show some interest in a friend (let alone a sister's) baby, so your sister is being selfish. But stressing about it is unhelpful to you so maybe just drop it for now and focus on your baby. And make a mental note that unfortunately your sister is not a person you can rely on reciprocal friendship and support from.

Give her time. If you only see her every couple of weeks then I wouldn't expect the frequency to increase much due to baby. Babies are boring.

@ Teachermaths Babies might be boring (though as an adult she can be expected to feign some interest without difficulty), but a sister who's had major surgery and a traumatic birth is not. Not caring is just being shit sister and friend, regardless of how "boring" she thinks the baby is. And anyone who disagrees has a disappointingly low bar for friendship/ sisterhood.

You have just had a baby (Congratulations by the way!)and probably are feeling a little bit tired and emotional right now.Sis maybe feeling a bit put out or is just feeling her way in a new relationship. Im guessing your parents are involved with you /babe so I dont really see why it bothers you so much about your Sister TBH. Newborns are fascinating to their Mums and Dads, but to others may be more interesting when around 3 /6 months on when sitting up smiling and so on.Cut her some slack. it sounds like she has a lot going on with a job she doesnt like ,and at 30 probably not sure when her chance will come to be a mum like you are

Harsh comments towards the sister here. So she's nearly 30 years old, lost everything and had to live with the OP whilst she got back on her feet, where OP announces she pregnant. (Are you the younger sister OP?) Despite her own woes and in your own words she was a total mess, she still managed to be excited about the pregnancy and buy gifts etc. She's had issues with work and a broken car, and I get the interview prep. You cancelled and expect her to fit in around you when she's trying to manage everything else. I wouldn't be messing about with buses either.
Honestly your kid is 8 days old. You have people on MN being nasty because people want to visit and they don't want any one to interrupt the bonding, yet here you are complaining sister hasn't done more when she has ready seen the baby when 2 days old. You have people around you to help you, she's trying to get her life back on track. Honestly, let it go.

It's only been 8 days, chill out. The baby is the centre of your universe, not hers. Other people's babies are not interesting to everyone.

I think I'd rather someone be honest, like the OP's sister, than have someone 'feign' interest.

OP, your baby is a week old. My children were both still in hospital after 2 weeks, I saw no one and one asked - oh apart from my next door neighbour who drove me to hospital each day on her way to work as I couldn't drive after c-section and, tbh, I just wanted to be left alone to get on with it and not recount every detail several times! I don't think I have ever told anyone the exact details of the birth. I don't even know some of them because I was out of it and my exh was traumatised and refused to ever talk about it.

The reality is that your baby has just become your whole world. Your every waking and sleeping moment is now dominated by a baby that, to everyone who hasn't had one, is just a sleeping, crying, pooing 'thing'. Women who've had babies know they're supposed to ask but aren't really interested; women who haven't had one don't even think about it - unless they are particularly baby oriented.

It might not occur to her to ask (I have 'learnt' that you're supposed to and these things are really important to some new mums) but I know that when I was 21 and my best friend at the time had a baby, I had no idea I was supposed to ask questions, or what questions to ask or even that I was supposed to be interested in her baby!

It might bring back bad memories for your sister or she might just still be living in her own real life world which isn't the same as yours.

@Neron none of that stops her texting back. I've have my husband & daughters birthday this week, moving house this week and had an interview yesterday & 1 today, yet still manage to check in regularly on my friend who had a baby a couple weeks ago. It's really not that hard to call or send a text even in busy/ difficult periods. The sister is downright selfish and it probably would help her mental health to stop focusing on her own issues all the time and think about what others are going through occassionaly as well. She's managed to make it that she's always the person in the relationship needing attention and support even days after her sister has given birth.