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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister not being supportive of new baby

137 replies

FiveFarthings · 14/08/2019 02:52

I have an 8 day old baby girl and my younger sister, though seemingly excited during my pregnancy (buying baby outfits etc) now apparently can’t seem to give a toss and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in expecting more from her?

I had a terrible induction followed by failed pushing (baby got stuck) which resulted in emergency c-section and blood loss. Suffice to say birth was a bit of a slog.

Anyway, two days after birth sister came to visit in hospital with my parents. She is nearly thirty but honestly looked like a 14 year old who had been forced to visit an elderly aunt or something. She wasn’t interested at all in hearing about what happened, she didn’t coo over the baby or ask how we were, and then started talking about a meeting with her manager she had later that afternoon and how much she hated her job.

A day later we went home and my parents brought our dog home. I sent her a picture of the dog meeting baby for the first time. Her response was that she was annoyed that my parents had dropped the dog off as she had wanted to walk him from their house that evening.

Since then I’ve sent her a few pics of the baby with no response. I asked her how it went her manager and she told me he’s a dick and she’s looking for a new job and I commiserated with her.

I asked her if she wanted to come for a visit on the weekend but it was a big ho-ha for her as she didn’t have her car (god forbid she could get the bus) so no firm plans where made. We had a really bad night so I texted and asked if we could cancel. She saw the message but no reply so I rang her to explain, she didn’t answer and didn’t phone back.

I again invited her for a visit the following weekend. No response for two days. She then said she’s can’t come as she’s going to a local music festival plus she has interviews during the week so she needed to prepare.

Not once has she asked how I am or how the baby is. I’ve just left it by telling her she should just let me know when she wants to see the baby and wished her luck with her interviews.

Last year, sister was buying a house with her then boyfriend and they were planning on trying for a baby at the start of this year. She found out he’d cheated on her and they broke up. She was heartbroken and didn’t want to move back in with my parents so she moved in with husband and I in December for a month, we looked after her, helped her find a flat etc. It was whilst she was living with us that I found out I was pregnant.

She was a total mess following the break up but has since started seeing someone else, we’ve met him (lovely guy) and he’s met the parents and he’s even going on holiday with sister and my parents in September.

My mum reckons that the birth of the baby is bringing back memories of my sister’s ex, making her think that maybe she might be pregnant herself right about now in the lovely house they were going to buy if he hadn’t cheated.

My sister and aren’t super close but we text a few times a week and meet for coffee/dinner etc every couple of weeks. She is well educated, well travelled, popular and has quite a high-pressure job in trust where she manages quite large sums of money, but sometimes she appear emotionally stunted (unable to hide it if she’s in a bad mood, if she’s grumpy then everyone has to suffer- takes after my dad!)

My question is, should I just let it go? A friend has said that it’s her loss that she’s not getting to know her niece, but this really is bothering me. I have a feeling if I say something then she will react even more negatively. My family have never been the best communicators at the best of times. Does she need time to come round or should I say something?

OP posts:

Apolloanddaphne · 14/08/2019 06:57

This is your baby not her baby. Not everybody is excited by babies. It was you who cancelled the first visit and she had plans on the next date you suggested. She also seem to have a load of work issues going on.

Just leave it open for her to make contact with you. Maybe message her and say that you understand she is busy and to let you know when she is free to visit and that she will be most welcome. Then leave it up to her to respond and continue to enjoy your baby meanwhile.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 14/08/2019 07:01

It's a bit of a leap to claim your sister is "missing out on getting to know her niece". Your kid is 8 days old. There's nothing to get to know! Your sister has a busy life and had has already seen the baby once with plans to meet again. I think that's a perfectly acceptable number of visits.

My nieces live round the corner and I love them dearly but only really see them once a fortnight or so - I work full time, they are always in bed or at nursery so it's hard to find a time.

MollyButton · 14/08/2019 07:06

This!

It's 8 days not 8 years or even 8 months.

PetitTorteois · 14/08/2019 07:07

I think if I were your sister I would find you pushy and demanding, especially when she already has a lot on her plate work-wise. I get that for you your baby is the Sun in your universe but why do you think it has to be for others, too? Enjoy spending time with your LO and stop harassing your sister. Also, considering that she also wanted to have a baby you being so pushy might for her come across as if you are rubbing it in.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2019 07:09

I think you’re doing the right thing by leaving it now. Your dsis isn’t your responsibility and you cannot force her to want to be closer.

Perhaps she is jealous. Maybe she’s just wrapped up in herself. I agree with math, she sound like an emotional taker.

Congratulations on your newborn. Having a baby is incredibly tiring even without major surgery. You are a mother now and your priority is your relationship with your child. Focus on enjoying what you have. Tired as you may be, you will perhaps look back in a few years and realise how short this time actually was. I think newborns are entrancing. But not everyone agrees. I’d love to go back to that time. It’s magical.

You cannot force a relationship with your dsis or expect certain behaviour. Families irl aren’t like the waltons. Do try not to hold this against your sister. But do stop trying so hard with her. Every time you push, she is pulling away. Let her come back naturally.

saraclara · 14/08/2019 07:09

It seems she's under a lot of pressure at the moment. You seem to be wanting a lot of attention from her at just the wrong time.
You're not that close, she came to see you in hospital, she wanted to walk the dog round to yours but it didn't work out, and you cancelled on the weekend.

She hasn't responded to the baby pics which I can see is disappointing. But I think you have to just hang back a bit until she's got this stressful period out of the way. There plenty of time for her to get into auntie mode.

DamnitCharlie · 14/08/2019 07:11

I think she's being really selfish. It doesn't take a lot to reply to messages or fake being interested in the new baby for a few hours. If you take the baby out of the equation you've had a really traumatic time in hospital that she's ignoring that as well. I think you need to leave her to it but remember how she has treated you at the moment. Everyone has exes and problems in life but nost of us grow up and put these things aside to help out others. Good luck with your baby and try not to let this colour their first few weeks.

Sceptre86 · 14/08/2019 07:17

Honestly? Back off a bit. You have offered her pics, to come over and she doesn't seem that interested. Clearly she has got stuff going on with her own job at the moment that she is stressed about. This might not seem very important to you but it is to her so just leave her to it for now. Concentrate on getting to know your baby and actually enjoy the first few weeks of being a mum as well as healing from your section. She will come round when she is ready, if not then talk about it in a few months when you are not so hormonal and raw from the birth of your lo.

NoSauce · 14/08/2019 07:19

People are complex OP and sometimes we never really understand why they act in a certain way. It’s only been 8 days, give it time. She may just time to get her head around the fact you’ve had a baby when it could have been her.

Enjoy your new baby

fleshmarketclose · 14/08/2019 07:23

Congratulations on the baby OP. Maybe your dsis is feeling out of sorts or quite possibly it's because tbh nobody finds a baby all that interesting other than their parents. You say you saw her once a fortnight previously well I wouldn't expect her to visit more regularly now and maybe even less if she feels you have nothing in common. Enjoy your baby, leave your sister be she will visit when she wants to perhaps look for support from other parents of babies who have an idea of how tough it is?

FenellaMaxwell · 14/08/2019 07:25

The baby is 8 days old - there’s nothing to miss out on at this point! If she doesn’t seem that interested then that’s fine - lots of people aren’t interested in other people’s babies.
Stop sending her pictures every 5 minutes then overanalysing the lack of response, DEFINITELY stop talking to your mother like it’s a big issue, and just leave your sister in peace, and let her get involved or not in her own time. You say you aren’t close and just text a few times a week normally so why do you suddenly expect her to have a rabid fascination with your newborn? Just dial it down a bit and focus on enjoying your baby.

ZenNudist · 14/08/2019 07:32

You need to get a grip. 8 days old. Some people don't even want to see their families for the first week or two judging by some threads on Mumsnet. Focus on bonding with your baby and getting to grips with a newborn with your husband help.

Your dsis has enough on her plate trying to sort a new job. I can't believe you forgotten that when you work, time Rushes by really quickly. 2 weeks go by in a flash. She is busy and probably figures youve got your own shit to deal with. Isn't your DH on paternity leave? Enjoy being a new family group, this is the babymoon. You will look back on these as golden days. Your dsis is not important.

Plus guaranteed when your dsis does have a baby you are going to have your own dc and wont be able to pay homage to her like you want her to do with you.

Plus shes had a tough time. Stop reading it as jealousy and start thinking of her as someone who needs support and empathy.

Loveislandaddict · 14/08/2019 07:33

The baby is only eight days old! I think you are putting a lot of pressure and expectation on her.

Also, with you posting all these pictures, she may assume that you’re fine. It may not even cross her mind to ask how you are, or how the baby is, because the pictures ‘answer’ that question for her.

I think you are definitely overthinking it. Invite her, but don’t push it. She has her own life, and so do you. If you only met once every few weeks before, then that’s not likely to change now. She will develop a home with your baby over time. It doesn’t have to occur within the first week.

Loveislandaddict · 14/08/2019 07:33

Bond, not home

CatteStreet · 14/08/2019 07:38

You're thinking an awful lot about this, when you have an 8-day-old baby and it might be reasonable to suppose your mind should be elsewhere. I'd let it go - people will often behave in ways you don't expect or like. But I'm wondering what's behind your level of concern over this? How are you doing in general?

ImpracticalCape · 14/08/2019 07:41

I don't find babies interesting. I couldn't give two hoots about pictures of them. I love my friends. I love adult conversations with them. If they have a non sentient child with them then my attention is 100% on the adult I love and I hope I get at least 50% of their attention. I totally get her desire to move the topic on from birth stories and a boring baby.

I love dogs though. So I also get her desire to make use of an available dog!

Longtalljosie · 14/08/2019 07:41

Your sister’s new job is a really good point. She’s had a shit run of things and probably really needs to focus in office hours to make a success of it. Are you sending her these pictures during the day? I would honestly leave it now until the weekend and then ring her and ask how her new job is going. Show her you still care about her and what’s going on in her life.

Sallyseagull · 14/08/2019 07:46

I would leave your sister alone for a bit. Something is obviously bothering her and constant pictures or messages about your baby don't seem to be helping.

Your child is only 8 days old, enjoy this time and don't be worrying about other people.

Your sister may come round, she may need to come round to this in her own time or she maybe better with older children but I think forcing anything is not going to help whatever is going on with her.

Pollywollydolly · 14/08/2019 07:50

My sister was 15 when I got married and over the next eleven ever-more desperate years of tests, failed treatments and endless disappointment of infertility for me, she had three children. I love them all dearly but it was often hard to share her joy.

Give your sister a little space and understanding now and in time she'll get over her pain and she will fall in love with your daughter.

OhtheHillsareAlive · 14/08/2019 07:52

If you want a baby and you're confronted with a new born it can be difficult.

Let it go.

You don't need her support at the moment - what you are calling "support" is actually congratulations & attention. This is not support. You'll her real support later, when you need emergency baby-sitting or the like.

Let it go.

Your world has changed 100%, but hers hasn't. It's your life. Your life is not hers.

KitKat1985 · 14/08/2019 07:53

Your baby is only a week old. It sounds like you've contacted her quite a bit this past week really about your new baby (understandable as I'm sure you're excited and proud, and in that new parent whirlwind) but it does sound like your sister is having some distress / jealousy about the fact that she hoped she would be pregnant by now, so maybe pushing your new baby in her face all the time isn't helping.

My advice is back off for a bit and let her deal with whatever it is she's emotionally processing, and leave things in her court for a bit in terms of letting her contact you about when she wants to see you / the baby rather than push things.

chocolatemademefat · 14/08/2019 07:53

I find other people’s babies lovely but boring - and I’m sure people felt that way about mine.

Due to circumstances your sister is at a different stage in her life and until you have a baby it’s hard to understand the way they take over your life.

Find friends at a similar stage to you and enjoy chatting to them about babies and gory births! Your sister will come back when she’s ready - don’t spoil your relationship keeping on at her about spending time with your baby. At less than two weeks old there isn’t much you can do with them - when they’re a bit older I’m sure she’ll be a fantastic auntie.

Bluntness100 · 14/08/2019 07:55

Not getting to know her niece? It's been eight days!

I think this is a bit ott. She's clearly got her own shit going on. Calm down.

WanderingTrolley1 · 14/08/2019 07:58

Let it go.

Your sister obviously has a lot on her plate at the moment. She’ll be there when she’s ready/able.

sausagedoggs · 14/08/2019 07:59

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, I think you need to give your sister a break though. Sounds like her life was heading in one direction and then took a massive u turn. You're just going to be reminding her of what she doesn't have right now.

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