Sister not being supportive of new baby

[FiveFarthings]

I have an 8 day old baby girl and my younger sister, though seemingly excited during my pregnancy (buying baby outfits etc) now apparently can’t seem to give a toss and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in expecting more from her?

I had a terrible induction followed by failed pushing (baby got stuck) which resulted in emergency c-section and blood loss. Suffice to say birth was a bit of a slog.

Anyway, two days after birth sister came to visit in hospital with my parents. She is nearly thirty but honestly looked like a 14 year old who had been forced to visit an elderly aunt or something. She wasn’t interested at all in hearing about what happened, she didn’t coo over the baby or ask how we were, and then started talking about a meeting with her manager she had later that afternoon and how much she hated her job.

A day later we went home and my parents brought our dog home. I sent her a picture of the dog meeting baby for the first time. Her response was that she was annoyed that my parents had dropped the dog off as she had wanted to walk him from their house that evening.

Since then I’ve sent her a few pics of the baby with no response. I asked her how it went her manager and she told me he’s a dick and she’s looking for a new job and I commiserated with her.

I asked her if she wanted to come for a visit on the weekend but it was a big ho-ha for her as she didn’t have her car (god forbid she could get the bus) so no firm plans where made. We had a really bad night so I texted and asked if we could cancel. She saw the message but no reply so I rang her to explain, she didn’t answer and didn’t phone back.

I again invited her for a visit the following weekend. No response for two days. She then said she’s can’t come as she’s going to a local music festival plus she has interviews during the week so she needed to prepare.

Not once has she asked how I am or how the baby is. I’ve just left it by telling her she should just let me know when she wants to see the baby and wished her luck with her interviews.

Last year, sister was buying a house with her then boyfriend and they were planning on trying for a baby at the start of this year. She found out he’d cheated on her and they broke up. She was heartbroken and didn’t want to move back in with my parents so she moved in with husband and I in December for a month, we looked after her, helped her find a flat etc. It was whilst she was living with us that I found out I was pregnant.

She was a total mess following the break up but has since started seeing someone else, we’ve met him (lovely guy) and he’s met the parents and he’s even going on holiday with sister and my parents in September.

My mum reckons that the birth of the baby is bringing back memories of my sister’s ex, making her think that maybe she might be pregnant herself right about now in the lovely house they were going to buy if he hadn’t cheated.

My sister and aren’t super close but we text a few times a week and meet for coffee/dinner etc every couple of weeks. She is well educated, well travelled, popular and has quite a high-pressure job in trust where she manages quite large sums of money, but sometimes she appear emotionally stunted (unable to hide it if she’s in a bad mood, if she’s grumpy then everyone has to suffer- takes after my dad!)

My question is, should I just let it go? A friend has said that it’s her loss that she’s not getting to know her niece, but this really is bothering me. I have a feeling if I say something then she will react even more negatively. My family have never been the best communicators at the best of times. Does she need time to come round or should I say something?

I think your mother has hit the nail on the head - she's gone through a bad break up and has had to start again - children for her are now going to be further down the road. All her plans have been torn apart and she sees what you have and is jealous and mourning for what she could have had

I'd let it go....and try and see it from her perspective.

I’m genuinely surprised that most people are saying I’m in the wrong here for wanting my sister to care a bit more. No we are not really really close (we see each other every two weeks or so, I’m not sure what how often people think you have to see someone to be determined ‘close’- clearly more than once every two weeks according to most replies to this thread) but close enough that she moved in with us and we looked after her during her break up. For months afterwards I was always checking up on her, asking how she was, helped her get herself sorted and back on track.

I guess my point is that we were there supporting her when she was in need, but now I’ve had major surgery and have a tiny baby at home, I didn’t think it was too much to ask at least for a text now and then to ask how we are or if we need anything.

I think, until you have had a baby you don’t really understand how a new mother feels. Now I have had a baby I make much more effort checking in on friends and family in those difficult early days, but pre my own children I was clueless and probably thoughtless. I cringe looking back really but I just didn’t understand.

I’m genuinely surprised that most people are saying I’m in the wrong here for wanting my sister to care a bit more.

No one is saying you are wrong for wanting your sister to care more. More that babies can stir up a lot of emotions for people, especially in people that have had losses or can't have children right now for whatever reason, and maybe just let her build her relationship with her niece in her own time.

Presumably you have a partner and parents who are 'caring' for you? You don't need you sister looking after you too! Maybe that's the reason she's uninterested, her life doesnt have to stop just because you've had a baby. Don't expect and then you won't be disappointed is my advice.

I really don't want to hear about my sister's birth stories-no interest at all! I see my neicephews sometimes but I'm not really bothered. I adore my sisters though.

Your sister's behaviour so far sounds disappointing. She ought to put a smile on for your baby even if she doesn't feel like it. That being said, I don't think it's the crime of the century. She's obviously really hurting because you have everything that she wants, so she isn't going to genuinely enthusiastic about this. Also the baby is only 8 days old. There's plenty of time.

I would also say that you need to understand that this is your baby. It's wonderful when your family and friends take an interest, but ultimately they don't have to. As others have said a lot of people aren't that interested in other people's babies, even when they are a relation. I would stop worrying about this so much and just enjoy your beautiful new baby. You don't get this time back.

But from her point of view (possibly, from what you’ve written) you’re spamming her with photos of the baby, expecting cooing and adoration - faked if necessary, cancelling on her, and talking about her behind her back with your mother and friend about whether what she is/isn’t doing meets your expectations. That doesn’t come across particularly nice either, but it’s understandable, you’re a very new parent whose world is quite rightly 100% revolving around this new tiny human. Those close to you and going to say whatever reassuring thing to be supportive to you - strangers on the internet, on the vipers nest of AIBU no less, are giving you an outsiders perspective. It’s not particularly wrong or right, it’s more just that it’s not even a thing to be stressed about.

I can’t think of anything I’m less interested in than other people’s babies. Friends and family with babies/children know I don’t get involved. When people bring their babies into the office you can find me hiding behind the nearest plant!

If they adopted a puppy though I’d be buying toys, giving cuddles and offering walks.

Some people aren’t baby people.

I don't think you're in the wrong exactly. It's just that 8 days is such a short time! Your sister may well be supportive and excited in the months and years to come but has been having a busy week and hasn't managed to prioritise you and your baby.

Or, she may (for reasons of her own, perhaps jealousy) never step up to be an amazing aunt, in which case YANBU to be a bit upset but lots of people aren't that close to their nephews and nieces.

I don't think your sister has done anything wrong, to be honest. The truth is, few people are as excited about a baby as the new parents, and that includes siblings and close friends. She's an adult with her own busy life, who normally you text a few time a week. Why would you expect that to change dramatically just because you had a baby? Ok, you supported her when she was going through a rough time, maybe she doesn't see that you are having a tough time and in need of extra support? As for the friend who said 'her loss'...seriously, your baby is 8 days old! She has plenty of time to form a relationship with her.

But op what support do you actually need? Not a lot from the sound of it. So you're annoyed with your sister, why exactly? Your mother has explained to you why this might be difficult for her. But you knew all that anyway.

You invited her to your house and then cancelled. That's not her fault. She was unavailable next time. Again totally reasonable. If I was you I'd give her a break and concentrate on your new baby. Enjoy it all and try not to get hung up on stuff like this.

I.remember when my sister had first given birth to my now 17 yr old nephew I wasent that interested tbh,I visited them and cooed over him etc but I wasent there all the time and I didn't really want to hear about the birth on was single ,and we had totally different lives,a few years later I met dh, and my nephews were about five and three when ds1 was born .

Congratulations! I hope your recovery is smooth and you're managing to enjoy having a newborn.

I'm afraid that plenty of people just will not be interested. Some of those people might be your family. I really understand the disappointment that this may be making you feel, but babies can bring up tricky feelings for some people and are just boring to other people! I'd focus on the people who are interested and excited for now, you can pick up your relationship with your sister once the intense new baby period has died down.

My sister is very similar, she has some regrets over not having children herself. She is nice to my DC when she sees them at family events, but isn't interested in being close to them. Its ok though, my DC have a ton of people in their lives who think they are brilliant, and I'm sure your little girl will too!

I don't think that either of you are in the wrong, although you are perhaps determined for her to be?

"but honestly looked like a 14 year old who had been forced to visit an elderly aunt or something. She wasn’t interested at all in hearing about what happened,"

Visiting someone in hospital can be an odd "infantilising" dynamic.

And a lot of people don't want to hear all the details of someone else's birth.

Before I'd even got to the information avoid her ex boyfriend and that whole situation I'd decided she was jealous.

She'll come round. I'd just largely ignore her for now and stop trying to make an effort.

Maybe continue sending photos to a family group but not to her directly?

About* not avoid.

She's only eight days old and she's already visited. If a family member was sending me loads of pictures, expecting texts, visits and attention I wouldn't want to visit either. I'm not a baby person, I love my kids but I'm not interested in other peoples. No one is going to think your baby is as amazing as you do, give her a break.

Small babies are not for everyone. I had never held a baby before I had my first.
She may become the best auntie ever in the world. 8 days in you can't judge.

But she HAS visited you. And you know of many reasons why she might be struggling with this. And why do you need her if you have your DH, and presumably your mother as you’re bitching to her about your sister? It’s only been EIGHT DAYS. You can’t force her to like you by bombarding her with baby pictures when you normally don’t see each other for weeks. Stop, seriously.

I expect it hasn't crossed her mind you need support. You have your husband or partner and your parents too. She came to see the baby and I suspect she thinks that's ok. It's only been 8 days!

You've also cancelled on her. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm another one who isn't interested in babies. You sister not being interested now has got nothing to do with how she might feel about your baby when it's older. You don't need to be upset on your babies account.

It would be nice for her to text though.

Your sister also sounds like she has a lot on at the moment.

I'd leave it be.

Ps congrats on your new baby 💐💐

Either she's not that Interested in babies or it's made her feel a little disappointed with her life right now and jealous of yours.

She's 30 and living with her parents, I'm pretty sure that's its made her feel like she should be with someone, in her own place trying for a baby.

"but honestly looked like a 14 year old who had been forced to visit an elderly aunt or something. She wasn’t interested at all in hearing about what happened,"

Ha. Sorry OP but no-one, literally NO-ONE is interested in your labour story. I wish someone had told me that when I was a new mum
Giving birth/having a new baby is simply massive for the mother. Not so much for everyone else, even siblings. She'll come round. Give her a break.

Your sister has a lot going on in her own life at the minute, and as engrossed as you are in your new life now unfortunately does not mean everyone buys into that same life. She will develop her own relationship with your daughter as time goes on. But you have to let her come to terms with her own feelings around this now. She has been through a lot in the last year, and I think your mother is right that she is finding it hard. I know after a mmc last year although I already had children I could not look at a pregnant woman nor a new baby and it wasn't out of disrespect it was my own issue. She will come around you just need to give her space let her come to you when she is ready. Stop upsetting yourself by contacting her. I had a couple of friends who's friendships became very distant after I had my first child but I know it was because two of them were trying for their own babies that were not happening both ended up going for ivf eventually and another who has been unlucky in love. It is hard to deal with especially when it's your sister but you have to respect the fact that she is struggling to cope with your new arrival, it is her issue and not yours and for your own mental health you need to accept that and enjoy your bundle of joy. Time is so precious with children and they grow and change so fast so embrace your little baby and enjoy all the milestones. Best of luck op

Look - until you’ve had a baby you just don’t understand.
Also, lots of people have c sections and until you are pregnant you don’t appreciate that it’s actually major abdominal surgery. Or at least, I didn’t appreciate how major it was until I actually started reading about them.
Give your sister a break and focus on your baby.