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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm 30 and dating a 19 year old

455 replies

Luciferthethird · 13/08/2019 18:01

That's it really, I've 2 DC's they've not been introduced yet, still too early for that. We've been dating for about 3 weeks. He's lovely and he keeps telling me the age gap doesn't bother him.
My sister has the exact same age gap between herself and her partner but somehow that seems more acceptable when it's the man that's older. I just need a sounding board really.

OP posts:
NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 14/08/2019 20:35

He makes me smile and I'm comfortable in his company

Then that's all you need to know. It may go somewhere. It may not. Enjoy the now Smile

And for all those spouting the 'grim' mantra and 'I couldn't do it' shite, well the OP is not you. She's not asking you to ditch your 'age appropriate' partners and take up with a younger guy. She's just seeking a bit of reassurance. And why not?

For what it's worth, I'm an older woman with a bit of an eye for a younger guy. As long as they're adults and single, well it's my business. And his!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 14/08/2019 20:36

All of those saying it’s yucky have obviously never had the pleasure of being with a younger man! My DH is delicious compared to all the old farts my friends are married to!

I rest my case Smile

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 14/08/2019 20:42

I am wondering what his mother thinks about it?

Well, I wouldn't be worrying what his mother thinks. What age does a guy have to be before I can resolutely ignore his mum's feelings?

Mileysmiley · 14/08/2019 20:46

[B]Well, I wouldn't be worrying what his mother thinks. What age does a guy have to be before I can resolutely ignore his mum's feelings?[B]

Well my husband still cares about his mother's feelings and he is 65 ... I am sick of her because he needs her still after all these years ... he needs to cut the apron string but I don't think he will do that until she passes.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 14/08/2019 20:54

Well my husband still cares about his mother's feelings and he is 65

And so he should. I'm 52. I care about my parents' feelings. A lot. However, they don't get consulted about my dates/FWBs whatever. They met each other. They got married. They made their choice. Now, I'll make mine Blush

Holycrapster · 14/08/2019 21:16

I'm 48 now. When I was 28 I had a short fling with a 19 year old. At the time.it was exciting and I still felt like a kid myself. I didn't think it was wrong.and I didn't think about the effect it might have on him. But looking back now with age and experience, I feel really uncomfortable about it and wish it hadn't happened. I guess it was more complicated with us because I worked at a university and he was a student. I didn't teach him, but I still feel like I crossed a line. I realise it's not the same at all but reading your post I just feel sorry for the boy. He's so young. This could be his first experience of love and it all seems a bit much. I'm a horrible hypocrite. But as a mum of teenage boys, it's not what I'd want for them.

rubyroot · 14/08/2019 22:34

@Holycrapster oh my! His first experience of love, poor little boy!! 😂😂😂😂 An 18 year old boy and an 18 year old girl with their first exp love can also get hurt. I don't understand your point. 🙄

MaryShelley1818 · 14/08/2019 22:44

My parents married when my mother was 19 and my father was 35.
They’ve now been very happily married for over 45yrs and are still best friends.

RockinHippy · 14/08/2019 23:32

@ Nicelegs

I am wondering what his mother thinks about it?

I've had 2 good friends whose sons have done this. Same sort of ages & slightly bigger age gap. The women concerned both had kids too. Both of our friends where initially freaked out by it & then calmed down & thought about it logically. They realised that it was actually a good thing as they didn't have to worry about teenage pregnancies & knew there boys were with someone who could look after them. Both relationships lasted a few years & then justo fizzled out.

hamnpeasepud · 14/08/2019 23:41

Just coming back to this and toes are curling in cringeville

My DH is delicious compared to all the old farts my friends are married to!

Having a young husband you do realise you are the equivalent old fart being older?

Sorry to pick out your posts but you contradict yourself - thick as my name Hmm

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 23:57

@hamnpeasepud Having a young husband you do realise you are the equivalent old fart being older?

Except I’m blessed genetically so look enormously young for my age! Grin

QualCheckBot · 15/08/2019 00:02

hamnpeaspud Having a young husband you do realise you are the equivalent old fart being older?

Same as Skittlenommer its just the genetic luck of the draw! I once dated a man only 2 years younger than me (DH is 12 years younger) and he was mistaken for being my dad a couple of times. And their tastes seem really old mannish to me too. No-one ever thinks DH and I are different ages. Quite possibly a younger man keeps you looking and feeling younger - I dread to think what an older man does!

Poochandmutt · 15/08/2019 00:22

If my 19 yr old son was dating a 30 year old woman, I’d think he’d taken leave of his senses ,I’d think he was just passing time untill he met someone more suited ,and I’d think she had a screw loose

HiJenny35 · 15/08/2019 00:36

Yuck, if it was a 30 year old man with a 19 year old girl I'd think he was a dirty old perv, I think the same this way round. A 19 year old is a teenager, leave the kid alone.

Mileysmiley · 15/08/2019 03:14

If he looked like Richard Madden I might be persuaded :)

I'm 30 and dating a 19 year old
Yeahnahmum · 15/08/2019 04:11

@Jellybeansincognito telling me that i am not being mature and then telling me i can't string sentences together. Hypocrite much? For the record: english is my 3rd language. So sorry i am not as fluent as some others. But no actually, i am not sorry. Just deal with it.

Also yeah older people go to uni as well. But you tend to have a BIT of a different life experience doing it at 19 vs 30. That is why i said: op must be veryyyy immature and her bf veryyyy mature for it to work.

The fact that she came on this forum to ask questions about it, indicates that she herself isnt even sure about this whole situation. If it makes her happy, by all means do it
But it is just sad in my opinion Grin

Rachelover40 · 15/08/2019 05:51

Holycrapster
I'm 48 now. When I was 28 I had a short fling with a 19 year old. At the time.it was exciting and I still felt like a kid myself. I didn't think it was wrong.and I didn't think about the effect it might have on him. But looking back now with age and experience, I feel really uncomfortable about it and wish it hadn't happened.
--

He was nineteen, not a 16 year old schoolboy. When I was young lots of people married at 19! I presume you weren't planning on marrying him at the time, you say it was a fling and that is what it was. You didn't exploit him, he knew what he was doing and probably looks back fondly on the experience. Please stop beating yourself up about it.

I too had a 'fling' with a 19 year old when in my twenties. Difference is I didn't like it, I was stupid really and now can't imagine why I allowed it all to happen. I certainly didn't enjoy it, I'd been sort of set up to have an affair with him. There was no sexual attraction on my part, the sex was boring but never did I think I 'took advantage' of him in any way because I know I didn't. If the brief experience crosses my mind I just feel embarrassed. However he got something from it and, like your ex fling, probably looks back on it all happily if he thinks of it at all.

OP, be frank with each other, tell him you like him, enjoy his company but that it isn't the sort of relationship that is meant to last - and for goodness sake, mean it!

Fatgirlslimmer · 15/08/2019 08:34

I haven’t read all of the thread but I met my husband when he was 19, he brought a spark to my life. Yes he still had some growing up to do. No his mother was not pleased. I was 29 and had a child.

He stepped up, we moved in together when he was 22, we married when he was 24. Our marriage has had its share of ups and downs and you can’t ignore that some of these are due to the age gap. We have been married way over 19 years, so more than half his life.

Fatgirlslimmer · 15/08/2019 09:00

Wow I just read the thread and wished I hadn’t I feel sick with the vindictive and vile comments on here. This is bullying and some people should be ashamed of themselves. You do realise that OP is a real person?

How can people be so up themselves and judgemental.

Some of this must be self projection or to make themselves feel better about their own shit relationship, although of course posters will deny this as vehemently as they have attacked OP.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 15/08/2019 09:09

Well, it's legal.

But there's a huge power imbalance, and that's pretty unethical. I guess #MeToo passed some people by...

If I were you, I'd be wondering why I'm suddenly going for people who are so much younger, and barely an adult. Your previous abusive relationship may be relevant here, as you seek out people who are non-threatening. However, that reverses the power dynamic, and puts you in the role of exploitative older partner. Therapy may be useful to you, OP!

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 09:43

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad OR another way to look at it is two adults making their own decisions about who they see! Hmm

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 15/08/2019 09:44

I've had 2 good friends whose sons have done this. Same sort of ages & slightly bigger age gap. The women concerned both had kids too. Both of our friends where initially freaked out by it & then calmed down & thought about it logically. They realised that it was actually a good thing as they didn't have to worry about teenage pregnancies & knew there boys were with someone who could look after them. Both relationships lasted a few years & then justo fizzled out.

Exactly. That's how my life works. The men are younger and the relationships fairly fleeting. I don't want to settle. I don't want children. I just want to enjoy life.

And, for what it's worth, I don't stand around schools on A-levels results day (topical) with bags of sweets trying to lure young guys into my car. It doesn't work like that Blush

19 may be pushing it a bit for me — we're usually talking 30s —but as long as he's happy and I'm happy, I neither seek, nor welcome, comments.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 15/08/2019 09:45

and I’d think she had a screw loose

My screws are nice and tight. Thanks Grin

isthismylifenow · 15/08/2019 09:50

Are you both from the UK OP?

(I think I have been watching too many of those 90 days shows tbh)

Cannyhandleit · 15/08/2019 09:54

I was 30 and dating a 22year old, we have now been together for 7 years and have 2 kids! He is now and was then more mature than the men I dated my own age!