To think that there is a worrying rise of The Pushy Parent?

[ShutTheDough]

I visited my friend last week who has moved to Cambridge and happened to meet some of her friends. My friend is very down to earth and I would say has a very relaxed style of parenting. I was quite surprised about how much they invested in their children. Not saying that's a bad thing obviously but it all seemed like alot of pressure on the children. One of them already had the careers set out for their DC.
It just seemed all a bit intense tbh.

Competitive parenting, the worst bit about living in Cambridge. We moved north, people still let their kids be kids here. The kids will rebel if you push them too much, concentrate on giving them a fun enriched childhood, yes extra curricular but also freedom to be kids.

When do they get time to play with all their toys?

Surely this depends on the age of the child?!

For example for a 12 year old boy "toys" = screens in most cases. Fortnite or whatever video game is currently popular.

HostofDaffodils your posts make a lot of sense. I don't understand this constant "doing". What about just "being"? Also, many of the best ideas come from a certain amount of boredom.

My parents were very encouraging with me academically and supported any interests I showed, but never pushed me to do anything. My DH was brought up similarly. We are trying to be the same with our children. I know this will sound smug, but we are a really happy family. We have lots of time to hang out at the park, take spontaneous camping trips, meet friends, go to the lido for a splash around, read books, play boardgames, visit exhibitions, come up with silly challenges for each other, etc. Neither of my DCs will become world famous athlete or musician. I'm ok with that. I hope they won't resent me for it, but it's a risk I'm happy to take.

For what it's worth, they both do well at school, but on some level, what I'm most proud of is that they have wonderful friendship groups and very good social skills.

You're just in middle class Cambridge. You could move down the road to an estate in Huntingdon and see a complete absence of push.

Depends where you are.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting your children to learn outside of school - I did swimming/instruments/brownies etc and loved it. I was tutored for French and maths to help my grades at school. (Standard comprehensive in the 90s, wasn’t good at these subjects) My parents were not pushy - and as an adult my exercise of choice is still swimming (twice a week) and I play in an orchestra as a hobby. It’s set me up for having a fuller life.

My DCs do swimming - but if they want to do another sport or whatever when they are a bit older then they can try it. I don’t think that being pushy.

‘Pushiness’ is not all about money. It can be about teaching kids skills to study, stamina, broadening their experience so they find their passion and giving them confidence that they can work at something and improve. Sport helps with teamwork and fair play.

Much depends on the relationship. I see the effort my parents went to and hope to help them when they need it. I also tutored my brothers. What is termed ‘pushiness’ does not necessarily result in selfish, materialistic values.

I guess having too full a calendar can limit space for creativity though.

I'm not pushy and just want happy children, however it is very important to me that my children know that hard work can get you anywhere.

I encourage lots of activities and experiences because I want them to have opportunities I never had and to know their parent gives a damn because mine never did.

My children are also pupil premium children and I don't want them to be another statistic

WOW! I find this thread scary. I live in an area where you go to the local comps without much question, there's no competition over schools. My DC's do sport competitively because they are naturally talented and want to - DD(10) swings between wanting to give it up and wanting to go to the olympics. DD also does other clubs as she's naturally interested in them. The thought that parents are pushing certain clubs and activities on their kids all geared to future careers scares the hell out of me!!! It took me until being 40 to find something i loved doing - how can you pick this for your kids?????

My perspective is that my parents - both involved in education - took great pride and plesasure in any academic success I had. This made them happy and they praised me. They also became quite harsh negative when, in my teens, I was unhappy at school. Really all they wanted of me was for me to be clever and succeed academically.

It seemed to me that there was something very conditional in their affection. They weren't interested in my friendships. (Most of my friends who were perfectly pleasant children/young people were banned from the house.) They weren't really interested in me. My only memories of warmth and approval relate to having done well in tests.

So as a parent, I've reflected on this. Yes learning opens doors - not just financial ones, but there are personal rewards too. It can foster an interest in/engagement with the world. On those occasions when my child and my stepchildren were unhappy at school or disengaged my husband and I intervened to try and put things right.

But I suppose the most important thing to me in terms of children's well-being is that children know they are loved. Loved for who they are rather than how well they've performed. (This doesn't mean they're indulged and/or that there are no expectations of them.)

What concerns me when I read about parents who feel very driven to direct their children in particular ways, is that those children may feel they only are given/deserving of their parents love in so far as they conform to these expectations.

It also seems to me that many high-earning professionals are actually very unhappy in their work because of intense, unhealthy competitions - long working hours. It sometimes seems to me that ensuring young people have a skill or a trade - the sorts of things that will always be needed even in a changing economy - may be more in their long-term interests than, say, guiding them towards medicine - in which conditions for young doctors within the UK are extremely poor.

I guess my parents were pushy parents too. My siblings and I grew up in a loving, happy home, trying out many activities and failing badly at some. No one was punished or put down for failing. We were simply encouraged to do better where there was hope or try something else. Nor was the encouragement done so as to gain wealth, we were fortunate enough to live comfortably. We turned out fine and laugh at some of our failures to date whenever we visit our parents. We are also close to our parents and I do not resent their approach. Hence I take the same approach with my DCs. They are not forced to do anything but are encouraged to persevere beyond the first attempts. There is a time for everything, including playing and downtime. In fact, no activities take place during summer holidays as those are reserved for traveling, visiting relatives, museums, crafts, play, doing whatever interests them etc . They also have down time during term time, attend birthdays, sleepovers and play dates. When necessary, we skip certain activities to accommodate other things, particularly sleepovers. What I wouldn't have is children fixed to screens playing fortnite, YouTubing, watching TV all day etc, which is very common in London simply because of safety reasons, a lack of outside space and other factors. By no means do I feel superior or inferior to any parent taking a different approach. Each to their own. What works for one child or family doesn't necessarily work for another.

"DP & I all went to US IL Uni's so do not see why DC shouldn't go"

I find this quite an odd attitude - sure, why shouldn't they, but also why should they? They're not just you, round two. DH and I both went to Oxbridge and I guess that makes DS more likely to go than average, statistically, but still much more likely he won't go (he's still a baby at the moment, so no idea of his academic aptitude anyway). It's certainly not something I see as an active aim for him, or something I want to in any way shape his childhood - it was a very positive thing for me, but he isn't be, he's a separate person.

DH now works as a teacher in a super selective and actually came home quite upset last entrance exam day (I guess he saw it quite differently now he's a father) - he said 'if DS ever sits the 11+ then we have to tell him over and over again that we love him and it'll be ok no matter how he does. A lot of the little boys there today hadn't been told that', which is pretty heartbreaking.

He isn't me, that should say.

I was encouraged by my parents to succeed academically. I don’t understand why that’s seen as a bad thing

It's not though. Nearly all parents want their child to fulfil their potential and put a bit of effort in.

But there's a big spectrum between encouraging your child to do their best and filling every waking hour with Mandarin,, clarinet, debating, drama club etc etc etc.

Most kids do some extra-curricular stuff. Mine do drama, choir, Guides, coding club etc. But they do it because they like it and have fun doing it. They meet new people and develop confidence. I'm not sending them because I have one eye on their long term university application.

I know it's a bit of a cliche but I feel you need to balance things for children. I mean the pp with 50 languages, 10 instruments, 10 sports,(exaggerated slightly!!)those kids are headed for burnout or worse. Sorry but that is beyond pushy poor souls can't possibly have time to be kids. By all means encourage and guide your kids but you can't tell me any kid would choose to do 100 different activities.

My children's health and well being are paramount to me, so we don't 'push' at all in terms of sporting and musical hobbies, our children choose what they want to do, and we support them. They gain confidence and autonomy from being free to decide.

However we do expect our children to put their energy and motivation into their education. This is not to be pushy, but we do need to be certain that they enter adulthood with the tools and qualifications to be truly independent financially, with a very solid future ahead of them.

I should imagine most parents have a similar ambition for their children. This is not being pushy, this is called being a good parent and wanting the very best life and future for your children.

I’m a TA in a small, village primary school. Over the last 5 years the pushy parent syndrome has got worse. Children are lacking resilience as parents get far too involved. Parents stand at the classroom door in the morning trying to explain their latest non problem to the teacher while 29 children sit patiently waiting. Emails are dashed off to the head demanding meetings over a fall-out between 6 year olds. Parents bicker while the children have long moved on. It’s all ‘me me me’ and it seriously adds to staff workload.

There seems oddly little about morality here. As if it's all about encouraging children towards 'success'. But very little about helping them to become good caring members of society. Nothing about happiness either

this

At DS’s school, they have a board; ‘what does success look like?’ The answer is apparently money, good job, nice car etc etc.

Nothing about positive relationships, health, balance, happiness etc

Wrong, so so wrong.

you can't tell me any kid would choose to do 100 different activities

Parents that do this are actively damaging their children in my view. Not only will their children grow to hate the endless 'scheduled' stress of club after club, the are depriving their children of the time needed to develop properly. Leading to burnout, anxiety and an inability to relax.
I feel for these children greatly, and do not think the parents realise the damage inflicted on over scheduled exhausted children who spent their entire childhood in the back of the car going from one club to another with bad tempered parents.

I'm not pushy and just want happy children, however it is very important to me that my children know that hard work can get you anywhere

That’s just not true though. There are countless other variables in life and all of those will impact on the outcomes that people experience. I do worry that we are setting people up for mental health issues with these messages, I see it all the time at university. ‘I have to work harder, get a better mark, my mum will be really annoyed if I don’t get a first, sister is a doctor so they’ll be disappointed if I don’t get the best mark’ All the while, the young person’s mental health is suffering because they’re exhausted and conscious of not being good enough.

Like everything it’s a balance. Ours have had an hours language class since age 5 as they at state school and they don’t do much language. As a result since starting secondary dd1 has flown at languages as she already has the basics and talking about doing a degree in it. They enjoyed the lessons so glad we did it.

Both DP and I feel children need to be pushed. No child will out of their own will do what is needed to make sure that they are aa successful as possible so it is our job as parents to make sure that we push them as we can see the larger picture and that decisions or lack of decisions as well as actions have consequences.

we do need to be certain that they enter adulthood with the tools and qualifications to be truly independent financially, with a very solid future ahead of them.

I think the tragedy is that we cannot be certain of this, because of larger political factors that can only be influenced by attempts at collective action, which threaten to take us into a kind of instability this country hasn't seen since World War II. But rather than trying to change the world/the country for the better, instead we are trying to turn our young people whose main needs are for a kind of consistent emotional nurture into alpha global capitalists.

I honestly think that one of the best things I have done for my daughter within the last few years is to get her dual citizenship. I know that she can get out of the UK and go and live in another - perhaps saner and more civilized - country.

What a lot of pushy parents don't seem to realise, is that plenty of freedom, free time and independence in childhood can be the secret to creating truly successful (and interesting) adults.

Top universities are starting to prioritise independent thought and ideas in candidates - rather than just a string of top marks and all those predictable extra-curriculars.

I currently have dc at a prep school and a secondary and I see some pretty tedious tiger parenting at close range. I also have a dss - now in his late twenties - who was very well-loved and given plenty of creative things to play with, but who spent much of his late childhood and teen years idling about in skate parks rather than learning the cello. He is now breathtakingly successful in his chosen (creative) field.

I have seen first hand how heavily-hothoused dc grow up into dull and uninspiring adults. They may get decent jobs, become doctors etc, but they'll never blaze a trail.

Just IMO, of course

The discussion on here is incredibly polarised. Some posters seem to be enjoying trotting out stereotypes about 'pushy' (= dc do activities) parents, to which the counter-image is apparently forkfun's 'really happy family' (and yes, forkfun, I'm sorry, but it did sound smug, very much so) full of blackberrying and board games, whose children (this is the unspoken implication) are going to end up more successful anyway than the poor pushees. We've absolutely done our fair share of museums and country hikes, and still do, but our (older) dc are 14 and 12 now, and it's this sort of age, often, where outside activities come into their own. They get them away from screens in a way it's not always realistic to do with a family country walk or a game of Scrabble (and we still do both these things - fgs, as if the one excluded the other), teach them about interacting with groups they haven't picked out for themselves, and broaden their experience, as well as giving them the self-competence that comes with mastering a skill - or indeed experiencing setbacks in it in a situation where the stakes are (usually) not high. Being out of your comfort zone now and again is a crucial experience, too. .

@NewAccount270219 what I meant by that is that I aspire the same if not more for my DC's than I personally achieved. This does not mean that I do not love my children or that they must attend IL unis or uni at all. Many people do extremely well without attending further education. I am simply providing a means to enable them to do so, if/when they want to, when the time comes. I have been through the 11+ exams with one DC already and even I was shocked at the behaviour of some of the parents and I particularly rejected an offer of one of the schools based on the attitude of the parents I saw on that day and on open day. I mentioned that we do not tutor academically simply because I have witnessed how damaging the prep for 11+ exams can be. I also see no need to tutor to get into the school and then be unable to cope with the pressure once in. The only prep my DC received and my other DC's will receive for the exams was and will be through school. I simply told her to do her best and that no matter the result we would find an appropriate school for her that fits her needs. She did very well and got into the school. I don't weigh my love for my DCs at all, let alone because of their achievements. I love them unconditionally for who they are.