Husband threw a boot at me in front of terrified kids.

[dogdias]

This happened last night and I cannot stop thinking about it. It started out as a normal night, I was putting the DC (DD1 5,DS 4, and DD2 8 months) to bed and my husband was out picking up a takeaway for us both. He came back and we started eating and watching a film. I noticed he had something on his mind as he was quiet (he's usually sat making jokes etc) and asked if he was alright and he ignored me, so I asked again. He just gave a halfhearted yes and then walked off to the kitchen and came back with a beer. I ended up pausing the film and said "Something's bothering you, what is it? Did something happen at work?". He had depression a few years ago when DD1 was a baby and he lost his job and this episode reminded me of that and it scared me, he spent months just sat on the sofa staring into space and snapping when I tried to help. He ended up saying "Just put the fucking film back on or I'm going to bed." So I did and he just sat on his phone scrolling the whole time. Eventually the film finished and I was in the process of finding something else to watch but noticed he kept whispering "For fucks sake" and "Jesus christ" under his breath. I asked what was wrong and he said he was just going through the accounts and had realized how much money I'd been spending and had a go at me for wasting money. I quit work after becoming pregnant with DD2 but he works full time. I haven't been wasting money at all. He earns it but I do the budgeting and work out what the DC's need and also sort the bills. Baby 3 has been hard on us financially and the past month has been particularly tough as all 3 DC had growth spurts needing clothes, my car conked out costing loads in repairs, DS's bed collapsed, DD outgrew her buggy as well as lots of other stuff that has added up. All of the money spent was for essentials for the DC's but he was going on like I'd been spending it on spas and shopping trips for myself. None of it was spent on me, not a penny.

I asked him what he was on about and he ended up shouting that I buy too much and I'm never fucking satisfied and I should get a job myself instead of being a lazy bitch. He was quite loud and the two older DC came running down the stairs. I said to him we agreed I'd be quitting work when we decide to try for a 3rd baby and he just continued yelling. He just went on about how I'm lazy and spoil the kids but don't give a shit about him. I said "Shut up the kids have come down" and he screamed "Go to fucking bed!" at them. They both ended up in tears and clinging on to me but I took them upstairs. When I came down he continued to just scream at me and I just stood for a while thinking if I let him get it all out he'll calm down but it just carried on so eventually I ended up shouting back which I realize I shouldn't have done. He happened to be standing by the front door and without thinking he picked up one of his walking boots and threw it at me, it missed my head. I was stunned in silence and then he just went quiet and left the house. I then realized the DC had been standing on the stairs near the door and had witnessed it and after he had gone they came up to me crying. DS was physically shaking. After about an hour I calmed them down enough to put them back to bed and then went to bed myself but didn't sleep. I knew he was sleeping in the van outside.

This morning his van was gone, I took the DC and went to drop DD off at school and then after coming back he was sat in the living room with some flowers and a box of chocolates and DS ran upstairs when he saw him. I didn't want to continue arguing so I accepted the apology and got DS downstairs and my husband told him he was very sorry for upsetting mummy etc. Husband now doesn't want to talk about it again but I can't stop thinking about last night and my children's terrified faces. We argue quite often but this is only the second time it has been like this, the last time was back when DD1 was a baby and it took me a while to get over. It is bothering me even more now because my children witnessed it and were terrified. But I also akcnowledge my husband has realized he was in the wrong and is stressed about finances etc. I don't know how to handle this to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Be didn't pick the boot up without thinking. He picked it up with the purpose of throwing and trying to hit you with it.

R u in Edinburgh are by any chance op?

I wouldn't bother sticking around for a repeat performance.
Aside from the violence why did he not answer you like an adult the first time you asked him?
And the mentality that you are wasting money on your children's essentials? What the hell is wrong with him?
Get him gone. Your kids don't need this in their lives and nor do you.

Please leave him for you kids sake. He scared the dc, they shouldn’t have to see what they saw because it should never have happened.

My ex threw a mobile phone at me in a rage, it was the first time I had seen him angry, he went on the sexually assault me several times (after an argument ) and became emotionally abusive, the final straw was when he was verbally abusive to my dd (not his child), I put up with what he did to me but there was n way I was gong to see my dc’s in the firing line.

@Carinattheliqorstore1

I thought it was more to make sure they give suitable advice. If not in the U.K. then services and legal advice will differ. No point talking about Woman’s Aid if OP is elsewhere.

Stressed about finances?! Fucking hell, woman.

He is abusive. You might want to read this thread as it's a similar situation. My advice is the same.

Husband now doesn't want to talk about it again but I can't stop thinking about last night and my children's terrified faces

He created the mess. He now wants to sweep it under the carpet rather than own it and handle it. That's not the mark of a man who wants to move forward in a positive way with his relationship, it's the mark of a man who is gutless, spineless and bears no responsibility for his actions having terrified his own DC. Can you really truly spend a lifetime with someone like that?

I don't know how to handle this to ensure it doesn't happen again

The only way is to make sure he has no opportunity. I've never, ever typed LTB before, and it's glib and cliched beyond measure. But here, right now, the only way to prevent a repeat is to leave. It's not easy, but nor is your life now. It's not simple, but nor is your life now. And at some point, imagine putting your DC to bed in the evening, ordering yourself a takeaway, sitting in your pyjamas with your feet up, relaxed and calm, and knowing that this man will never, ever sit on that sofa muttering "for fucks sake" under his breath whilst gaslighting the shit out of you (calling you lazy and telling you to get a job despite having agreed to you doing the whole of the childcare for HIS children?) Fuck that. You and your DC are entitled to calm, consistent and nurturing lives. Is he giving you anything you need? It really doesn't seem so.

to you all. You need more. You deserve more. Please see him for who he is and work out a way to keep you and your DC safe and happy.

What are the consequences to his disgusting actions? In front of his terrified children? I couldn't stay with a man like that. Get your independence and run! You don't deserve it, nor do the kids, seriously. You're in an abusive relationship. And the names he called you? Do something about it for your children's sake.

I have reported Mirzy for victim blaming.
I would suggest we don't quote the post as hopefully it will get deleted.

@Merryoldgoat. That makes sense why you asked. Some posters (not just on this thread) sound incredulous when someone mentions their kid is on holiday / back at school because it doesn’t fit in with the timetable where they live

The thing I don’t get is Did he not know about all the things that needed to be paid for before you bought it ?

It sounds to me as though he is feeling under pressure financially .
The stress can bring out the worst .

I get that you do the budget , but does he understand when something needs to be bought that is expensive and unexpected , that you are going to do that ?

Perhaps it is just communication that you need .

Eg honey , I need some repairs and it’s going to cost 600.00 according to our local mechanic , the kids bed has broken and it’s going to cost 100.00 to replace . Can we afford to spend 700.00 this month ?

You are both then going to have a discussion on the finances , it may turn out that your oh can help you get a better deal on the car with another mechanic ,or even that you need to put it off for a month till the next wage comes in , and use a bus in the meantime . Or that you can’t afford a cot but the temporary travel one can do for now until he’s got the funds to get the new cot .

You need to be communicating, surely he isn’t finding out what has been spent by checking online rather than you agreeing it with him pre-hand ?

His reaction was disgusting and there is no excuse for it but on the other hand being the sole provider for a family of 5 must be crippling. Perhaps a third child was not a very good idea. I don’t think you should stay with someone who has behaved that way in front of children but if you do I think you both need to work from now on.

@MirzyMoo. That is no excuse for what he did.

If that was the case, he could have sat down like an adult and discussed it. Or went for a walk until he calmed down

its momentarily patched up op...can you have childcare and alone time.if you think its fxable.?

@MirzyMoo
Seriously. You are blaming the OP for asking her dh what was bothering him, so obviously it's her fault for questioning him on anything. Oh and don't forget that she spent money on THEIR kids. Jeez.

Scotland is in fact back in school for many; we're currently in Scotland.

If you're not ready to leave over this, tell him he has to get counselling for anger management. Has to. Or your marriage won't survive.

I have never said on this site but honestly I would make arrangements to leave . Your dc saw their dad throw something at their mum. That's a blueprint in how they think relationships should be. You need to let them know it is not acceptable. It is not your fault. Sounds like you both wanted 3 dc and planned for it?

Imo arguments between spouses (occasional raised voice etc) is normal but never when violence is involved. My dc has seen disagreements/ arguments but no way have they ever got out of hand. We've always made up quickly. Violence/attempted would be a no way anyway scenario.

@Mirzymoo can we assume then that when your boss gets on your nerves at work you remove your shoe and throw it directly at them? Because you're essentially saying you can see why a grown adult - who is entirely capable of restraining their temper at work and in public - chooses to throw something at someone simply because they pissed them off.

Utter bullshit, OP please don't listen to anyone who tells you that violent actions are acceptable or understandable in a loving, healthy relationship. It's attitudes like that which explain why so many women remain in awful, awful relationships, because they feel they somehow provoked the attack.

It’s okay to stay so you can be a good position to leave. You don’t have to walk out the door this instant. Save, think about housing and finances. Make slow and steady plans. But make those plans. Don’t put your children in the position of having to live with that.

Mirzymoo fuck right off

@MirzyMoo careful love your subzero IQ showing.

Man is angry that his wife bought a bed, some shoes and clothes for her children, screams and shouts at her in front of them and chucks a shoe at her. They made a joint decision that she would do all the childcare while he is in paid employment.

THAT DOES NOT MAKE WHAT HE DOES IN ANY WAY SUPERIOR.

HTH.

OP you know this is absolutely unacceptable behaviour, think carefully about your next move. All the best

I also don’t like @skittlenommers point much.
Maybe it is crippling but it’s a decision both parties reached together. Childcare costs for three kids are fucking crippling, and being a SAHM is crippling at times, yet the op doesn’t go throwing her shoes around.
God she could work as a childminder doing exactly the same as she is now , pay all her wages out in childcare costs for her own family , and at least when her husband starts throwing shoes at her we’d take it seriously because she’s an EMPLOYED woman!!!!

Dogdias - I’m sorry that happened to you. He will continue to do this. He deliberately picked a fight. I’ve experienced the same. My son at 18 months ran upstairs and hid under the bed. I stayed longer than I should.
Please contact women’s aid. I hope you have real life support. Please tell someone. Abuse hides in secrecy and shame. It’s not your shame it’s his.
Please tell a friend or family member or your gp or the police or all of them.
He certainly will not change.🌺