Husband threw a boot at me in front of terrified kids.

[dogdias]

This happened last night and I cannot stop thinking about it. It started out as a normal night, I was putting the DC (DD1 5,DS 4, and DD2 8 months) to bed and my husband was out picking up a takeaway for us both. He came back and we started eating and watching a film. I noticed he had something on his mind as he was quiet (he's usually sat making jokes etc) and asked if he was alright and he ignored me, so I asked again. He just gave a halfhearted yes and then walked off to the kitchen and came back with a beer. I ended up pausing the film and said "Something's bothering you, what is it? Did something happen at work?". He had depression a few years ago when DD1 was a baby and he lost his job and this episode reminded me of that and it scared me, he spent months just sat on the sofa staring into space and snapping when I tried to help. He ended up saying "Just put the fucking film back on or I'm going to bed." So I did and he just sat on his phone scrolling the whole time. Eventually the film finished and I was in the process of finding something else to watch but noticed he kept whispering "For fucks sake" and "Jesus christ" under his breath. I asked what was wrong and he said he was just going through the accounts and had realized how much money I'd been spending and had a go at me for wasting money. I quit work after becoming pregnant with DD2 but he works full time. I haven't been wasting money at all. He earns it but I do the budgeting and work out what the DC's need and also sort the bills. Baby 3 has been hard on us financially and the past month has been particularly tough as all 3 DC had growth spurts needing clothes, my car conked out costing loads in repairs, DS's bed collapsed, DD outgrew her buggy as well as lots of other stuff that has added up. All of the money spent was for essentials for the DC's but he was going on like I'd been spending it on spas and shopping trips for myself. None of it was spent on me, not a penny.

I asked him what he was on about and he ended up shouting that I buy too much and I'm never fucking satisfied and I should get a job myself instead of being a lazy bitch. He was quite loud and the two older DC came running down the stairs. I said to him we agreed I'd be quitting work when we decide to try for a 3rd baby and he just continued yelling. He just went on about how I'm lazy and spoil the kids but don't give a shit about him. I said "Shut up the kids have come down" and he screamed "Go to fucking bed!" at them. They both ended up in tears and clinging on to me but I took them upstairs. When I came down he continued to just scream at me and I just stood for a while thinking if I let him get it all out he'll calm down but it just carried on so eventually I ended up shouting back which I realize I shouldn't have done. He happened to be standing by the front door and without thinking he picked up one of his walking boots and threw it at me, it missed my head. I was stunned in silence and then he just went quiet and left the house. I then realized the DC had been standing on the stairs near the door and had witnessed it and after he had gone they came up to me crying. DS was physically shaking. After about an hour I calmed them down enough to put them back to bed and then went to bed myself but didn't sleep. I knew he was sleeping in the van outside.

This morning his van was gone, I took the DC and went to drop DD off at school and then after coming back he was sat in the living room with some flowers and a box of chocolates and DS ran upstairs when he saw him. I didn't want to continue arguing so I accepted the apology and got DS downstairs and my husband told him he was very sorry for upsetting mummy etc. Husband now doesn't want to talk about it again but I can't stop thinking about last night and my children's terrified faces. We argue quite often but this is only the second time it has been like this, the last time was back when DD1 was a baby and it took me a while to get over. It is bothering me even more now because my children witnessed it and were terrified. But I also akcnowledge my husband has realized he was in the wrong and is stressed about finances etc. I don't know how to handle this to ensure it doesn't happen again.

He thinks you're trapped now you've quit work so now his true entitled, shitty colours are coming out. He is abusive. Kick him out and maybe he'll start to realise what it takes to look after 3 kids when he has them on his own. What an arsehole. Also please seek appropriate support for your children

@Ponoka7 no one has a subzero IQ. It was hyperbole, referring to absolutely no one in real life.

OP, it only gets worse from here. He did it once, now he's done it twice. He WILL do it again. You need to get out and take those kids as far away as you can.

My mum and dad argued "quite often" too. My mum was the abusive one in their relationship. I remember all the little arguments from when I was about 4, the thrown remote controls or plates etc. Then I remember my mum hitting my dad in the face with a belt buckle over and over again. I was 6. I remember my mum pushing my dad down the stairs, he's had brain issues ever since. I was 10. I remember my mum stabbing my dad because he told her it was over (thankfully he was okay). I was 13. They divorced after that. My dad is a shell of the man he was 20 years ago and has picked another abusive woman as a wife.

Kids don't forget this shit OP. It effects them more than I think most people realise. Don't put them through it.

Leave, before it gets worse

I hope you and DCs are okay

Either he sits down and has a real conversation with you, seriously apologises, recognises the severity of what he has done, admits full responsibility and promises it will NEVER happen again - and you are both 100% clear that if it does, he will immediately leave the house.

Or

You end the relationship.

I'd still go for option 2 TBH - he's made it perfectly clear EXACTLY what he thinks of you. Hardly a nice, loving partner is he.

@Tiredoptimist

Are you leaving your ds with him?

That's brilliant advice. I used the same. I am someone's daughter, so why wasn't I acting with the same advice I'd give.

He’s abusive. LTB.

Op I'm so sorry your husband did this to you. I unfortunately know how frightening it is to be in your situation. My ex started like this, along with the apologies and promises that it wouldn't happen again. Only it did. It got worse. I'm sorry to say that his behaviour will be damaging to your children like it was to mine. Your poor daughter returning to school after seeing her father abuse her mother the night before.

I understand how it can seem impossible to leave. I too had given up work to look after the children. After we split we lived off benefits until my youngest started school then I started working part time. We had to sell the family home as part of the divorce but we have a nice home now where me and the children are not constantly walking on egg shells. The reason I'm sharing this is because I know how impossible it may feel but you can do it. There is support out there for you, women's aid or a local domestic violence service will be able to help you.

Chocs and flowers minimises it.
As if it were a accident, it was a deliberate choice.

Refusal to discuss is not ok.

Going back to his original actions.
I'd be looking it it's a sign of something else. Gambling addiction? Financial loss?
Because he was trying to gaslight you about finances, I wonder if that's a reflection of a different issue. And he's trying to divert the blame to you.

I ended it, after over a decade.
The physical abuse wasnt the worst part. It was the refusal to talk.
His right to silence was greater than my need for truth and to discuss it and heal.
Being silenced and biting my tongue, ate away at me. I lost my voice around him. (Yet I was highly successful, paid to talk to clever people, my voice and personality was my major earning potential!)

Much like the shoe throwing.
-A deliberate choice.
My husband smashed a glass item. (Instead of me). He said it was in the moment, couldnt be helped.
Except...why did he never smash his expensive phone he was always holding? Because he had the awareness in that moment to make a choice!

I understand ending a marriage is monumental. I get that you might not be ready.
But if your choice is to stay, then a shit apology and no discussion won't help continue towards a successful outcome.

Imagine one of your DDs grows up, marries a man similar to your husband, and has the same thing happen to her (god forbid).

What would you think? What would you advise she does?

Then you have your answer

Husband now doesn't want to talk about it again

He never talked about it the first time. He shouted and threw things. It needs to be talked about.

Leave him. You need to put your children first. This is domestic violence. Speak to someone from your local domestic violence support team who will advise you. The apologies and flowers are part of a cycle of abuse/remorse. He will not change. You need to be strong.

op this was both terrifying for you and the kids. You know you all deserve better. None of this was your fault at all.
Your partner needs to apologise to both you and the kids, then go sort himself out.
It is difficult dealing with someone with illness and depression ( but as I have been told that is no excuse for physical or mental abuse) my parents fought when i was a kid and their separation was a relief.
I always vowed not to put my kids through the same but sadly I am only kids are adults .

Op I've read your updates but not all of the comments so don't know if this has been said but what your children see between you and your husband now will shape them and their relationships forever. Take it from someone with first hand experience.

OP I sense that you're trying to keep the peace - or at least as much peace as possible - and that you're trying not to be too hard on your DH and keep the family together. I think you just want it all to go away. But please bear these things in mind:

Witnessing domestic violence and abuse (which is what it was) now comes under the legal heading of child abuse. If one of the DC's said anything at school or nursery, the staff would have a statutory safeguarding duty to inform social services. If you remained with your DH, this could count against you. Maybe not for this time (or the last) but the next time or the time after that. If at some point they were sufficiently concerned, they might eventually remove your children for what they would see as their own good, rather than them being subject to witnessing more violence.

Please think very carefully about how you deal with this. Your DH wants to be an ostrich and pretend it didn't happen/wasn't bad. You can't afford to think like that.

You’ve let him off pretty lightly. I would ask him to leave, if only as a temporary measure while you decide what you want to do.

At the very least he needs to agree to attend anger management meetings.

My first husband did similar, and at first I glossed over it. Then the hitting started. Then the crying apologies. Then one night, I snapped- he pushed me and I beat him, badly. He lost teeth that night. And as he sat and cried that I'd abused him I realised, there never was any chance to fix things, he was never going to change, and I changed into something equally awful. I only saw jim twice after that night, to receive the divorce papers, and then in court.
I'm remarried, and have kids, they know my story, and my current dh knows. I'm financially independant. Never will I be under any control by a man again, nor my kids.
And it haunts me how badly I physically hurt my first husband, deserved or not.
Leave now. You and your kids deserve better.

Don’t stay. Your poor kids. Sounds miserable, I would leave him.

His behaviour is unacceptable OP.
You can spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells around this man or you can put you and your children's emotional and physical wellbeing first.
Whichever way he won't change...he has zero respect for you and does not care if he scares the life out of his children.
Very rarely do things get better in this type of relationship.

Your poor kids. Seeing him give you flowers and chocolates isn't going to make any difference at all to their trauma. If anything by accepting his apology, and making them think they should accept one too, you've minimised what happened, and taught them that his behaviour is acceptable as long as you get a treat afterwards.