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DH gets very angry. Looking for advice.

(144 Posts)
Shouldbestrongerthanthis Mon 12-Aug-19 20:30:17

Regular but NC for this one as I think DH knows my username.

I'm in a bit of a mess, and increasingly upset re DH's anger. We've been together 15 years, married for eight of those.

He's always had angry tendencies, but they've become worse in recent years and I don't know how to cope with it. Now it's got to the point where he's regularly blazing at me in front of the children and I need some practical advice in how to tackle it.

Years ago, when he got in one of his rages, it would upset me. I'd cry and beg his forgiveness. He could hold a grudge for days, and it would be like walking on eggshells til he deigned to be kind again. Now, I'm not so soft. I tend to tell him he needs to calm down, and calmly walk away, but I feel shit inside. I'm also worried about the kids hearing their dad speak to me the way he does. He doesn't swear, much, but he calls me an "absolute idiot", a "moron", "idiotic", "stupid"...all that stuff. Says its my fault for driving him to it.

On holiday a couple of weeks ago, I slmost took the kids and drove home because it was so bad. I remembered that last year's holiday had been the same, and it made me so sad.

I love him. We have so much in common. He's a great dad. But he often treats me appallingly.

Tonight, the rage (full blown shouting, in a shop, in front of the kids, followed by 2 hrs of silent treatment) was brought on because I took us to collect an order from a shop but it wasn't ready. I'd been told it was, but he was furious with me for not double checking. When I told him not to be so angry and it wasn't such a big deal, he shouted that it was all my fault, I was turning it on him, etc etc.

Other recent examples of his full-blown rages include an occasion when we were playing sport together and I asked the time. That caused him to scream that I wasn't taking it seriously, and to end the session.

On holiday, DS (6) had an accident. He was ok, just cuts and bruises. DH screamed at me "this is all on you" - said I hadn't been watching him properly, didn't care for the kids, was a bad mum.

On another occasion recently he didn't speak to me for a full say because I was 10 minutes late home.

There are numerous examples. Every conversation is the same though. He rants, he raves, over minor things, but tells me it's all my fault for driving him to it.
I want things to get better, but I don't know how.

Bookworm4 Mon 12-Aug-19 20:33:17

. He's a great dad. But he often treats me appallingly.
No he’s not, a great dad doesn’t scream and rage at his children’s mother in front of them. I’m sick to death of women balancing vile abusive men’s behaviour with oh he’s a great dad.
Get rid, he’s a vile bully.

isabellerossignol Mon 12-Aug-19 20:35:14

Sadly I don't think they'll ever be better because this is how he wants it to be. sad

Notmyname1988 Mon 12-Aug-19 20:39:20

You deserve better than this. He isn't being kind and no-one deserves to be shouted at and called names. What would you say to your daughter if she married a man who treated her this way?
Please walk away from this man., or at least encourage him to seek help for his anger.

TowelNumber42 Mon 12-Aug-19 20:40:56

He is a monumentally shit dad.

If someone is a good dad 90% of the time and a screaming no good shithead the other 10% of the time then that makes him a no good shithead.

If you had a friend whose boyfriend punched her once every ten days and spent the remaining time apologising and being nice as pie would you say "ah well, 90% of the days he isn't punching her so he's actually a good boyfriend." No, you wouldn't. Same applies to your relationship.

You make it better by getting away from it. LTB.

Have you tried the Freedom Programme?

quirkycutekitch Mon 12-Aug-19 20:42:56

What a terrible atmosphere for you & your Children, you know you could live a life where you don’t have to walk on eggshells.

Giraffey1 Mon 12-Aug-19 20:44:45

This sounds like a very uncomfortable relationship, and one which is getting worse, not better. I am sure you don’t want your children growing up thinking that it’s ok to behave this way? I’d seriously be thinking about insisting he goes for some anger management help .. . Does he ever acknowledge that he has been out of order, any recognition that he has been behaving inappropriately? If yes, then he may be willing to try therapy, if not, then I’d be considering starting a new life which doesn’t include him.

WhoKnewBeefStew Mon 12-Aug-19 20:45:11

Oh op, he’s not a good dad, shouting at you and abusing you in front of the dc only teaches them it’s ok to speak to people like that. That’s not what a good dad teaches his kids

He sounds like an abusive twat op

Craftycorvid Mon 12-Aug-19 20:46:48

I think you know this is abuse, OP. Please take the good advice to do the Freedom programme and think about keeping you and your children safe. If you plan to leave, be very careful and make sure you’ve somewhere secure to go.

miaCara Mon 12-Aug-19 20:47:44

Wont be long before your 6 year old starts to treat you the same way his Dad does. Monkey see monkey do.
Is that the kind of man you want him to be?
Walk away while you still can.

Grumpyoldblonde Mon 12-Aug-19 20:49:47

He’s a terrible dad, I never understand how people can love someone who treats them so badly, I understand it’s not easy to leave as I lived with one like this but the love died years before I could go.

You really need to get yourself and the children away from him, this is terrible for all of you but will really mess the kids up.

gamerchick Mon 12-Aug-19 20:49:51

He's a great dad

NO.HE.ISNT! He's abusing them when he abuses you. You are both going to turn them either into gibbering wrecks or exactly like him as adults. Him by abusing and you by staying and taking it. Is that what you want for them and their future partners?

Why do they all say these men are great dads?!

billy1966 Mon 12-Aug-19 20:49:57

OP, he's a dreadful father and an abusive husband.

I can tell you that your children's lives are a misery and that they will carry this for the rest of their lives.

Instead of trying to fix him.

Focus on getting away from him ASAP.

ConorMcGregorsChin Mon 12-Aug-19 20:51:26

A: You shouldn't have to change your user name because he knows it.

B: If he has always had angry tendencies, why on earth did you marry him?

C: You had kids with him. You have let them witness the absolute abuse he throws at you. This is damaging. They deserve better. As do you.

C: He is not a great Dad. In any way, shape or form. Believe me.

As a child of an abusive father, leave him. Leave him now. Your boundaries are so skewed you don't know right from wrong anymore.

Please. Please leave
My Mum did. Thankfully before it scarred me for life. And thankfully before we became headline news as 'Dad kills 2 daughters as he is an undiagnosed schizophrenic'

His brother was a schizophrenic. He hanged himself. As a single man, that's very sad. But as a person who is allowed to let their mental health affect their children, no. Fuck that. Run for the bloody hills. My Mum did. 44 years ago. And I still thank her for that now.

cakeandchampagne Mon 12-Aug-19 20:51:37

That is abuse.
His behavior is all on him- you didn’t “make” him do any of it, no matter what you did or didn’t do.
He shouldn’t be treating you like this ever.
And the children shouldn’t be witnessing it.
You need to contact a domestic violence support group and get help.

AnotherEmma Mon 12-Aug-19 20:51:47

He is abusive.

Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles

Please call Women’s Aid for advice and support. Read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. Consider getting counselling (for yourself - not couples counselling). Talk to someone - your GP, your mum or sister or best friend.

You can't change him. Instead of focusing your efforts and mental energy on trying to change him, focus instead on healing and protecting yourself. And think about what you want your children to learn about relationships and appropriate behaviour.

Beerincomechampagnetastes Mon 12-Aug-19 20:54:14

I feel really sad for you op.
Please ask him to leave so you and your dc can live without this anger in your lives.
You all deserve so much better.

Butterymuffin Mon 12-Aug-19 20:59:42

On holiday a couple of weeks ago, I slmost took the kids and drove home because it was so bad. I remembered that last year's holiday had been the same, and it made me so sad.

I would sit down with him, say what you've said above, and tell him you've realised you can't go on living like this. Say you need to separate. In your shoes the only way I would reconsider is if he both begged for forgiveness and immediately signed himself up for anger management therapy. Even then it would take time.

You must tell him how serious this is. He may well never change anyway, but as it is he clearly thinks you will never leave. He has to understand that you are now at that point.

AnotherEmma Mon 12-Aug-19 21:00:43

"Please ask him to leave"
Do you think OP can just ask him to leave, job done?! Are we reading the same thread?!

Cobblersandhogwash Mon 12-Aug-19 21:01:05

Oh my god. He's an absolute wanker.

Total over reactions about every little thing.

I take it he doesn't rage at his colleagues when they make tiny errors.

He's a bully and a really nasty one.

I think it's time to leave him.

AnotherEmma Mon 12-Aug-19 21:01:44

"You must tell him how serious this is."
NO. This man is DANGEROUS.

FFS people.

MsPavlichenko Mon 12-Aug-19 21:04:31

You and the DC are being abused. The only solution is to leave. Yes to WA and the Freedom Programme.

BrendasUmbrella Mon 12-Aug-19 21:06:03

Why do they all say these men are great dads?!

Social conditioning maybe?

And yes, another great dad whose kids will probably end up spending a small fortune on therapy later in life.

ShhhBeQuiet Mon 12-Aug-19 21:19:42

I also think you need to leave him. I know that will probably be very hard but you can’t stay with someone that treats you like that. It’s unfair on you and the children. Even if you can’t leave now then you should plan to leave as soon as you can.

You can’t live the rest of your life trying to keep the peace and appease him all the time. If you find his outbursts unbearable now imagine how you might feel after years and years of it. Imagine how you will feel when your kids are teens and he targets his temper on them. What if when they leave home they refuse to visit you because of him.

This won’t get better. Good luck. I hope you have a family and friends to help you.

cheeserolls Mon 12-Aug-19 21:19:56

I was a poster like this a few years ago.
"But he's a great dad" came from how everyone (almost everyone!) else saw him so I assumed he really was amazing and it was my fault. It was not my fault.

OP your husband is abusive and controlling. He's v unlikely to improve or admit he has a problem.

Please take note of all the posters saying this and consider how to protect yourself and the kids. Leaving is v hard but worth it to escape the eggshells.

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