Husband threw a boot at me in front of terrified kids.

[dogdias]

This happened last night and I cannot stop thinking about it. It started out as a normal night, I was putting the DC (DD1 5,DS 4, and DD2 8 months) to bed and my husband was out picking up a takeaway for us both. He came back and we started eating and watching a film. I noticed he had something on his mind as he was quiet (he's usually sat making jokes etc) and asked if he was alright and he ignored me, so I asked again. He just gave a halfhearted yes and then walked off to the kitchen and came back with a beer. I ended up pausing the film and said "Something's bothering you, what is it? Did something happen at work?". He had depression a few years ago when DD1 was a baby and he lost his job and this episode reminded me of that and it scared me, he spent months just sat on the sofa staring into space and snapping when I tried to help. He ended up saying "Just put the fucking film back on or I'm going to bed." So I did and he just sat on his phone scrolling the whole time. Eventually the film finished and I was in the process of finding something else to watch but noticed he kept whispering "For fucks sake" and "Jesus christ" under his breath. I asked what was wrong and he said he was just going through the accounts and had realized how much money I'd been spending and had a go at me for wasting money. I quit work after becoming pregnant with DD2 but he works full time. I haven't been wasting money at all. He earns it but I do the budgeting and work out what the DC's need and also sort the bills. Baby 3 has been hard on us financially and the past month has been particularly tough as all 3 DC had growth spurts needing clothes, my car conked out costing loads in repairs, DS's bed collapsed, DD outgrew her buggy as well as lots of other stuff that has added up. All of the money spent was for essentials for the DC's but he was going on like I'd been spending it on spas and shopping trips for myself. None of it was spent on me, not a penny.

I asked him what he was on about and he ended up shouting that I buy too much and I'm never fucking satisfied and I should get a job myself instead of being a lazy bitch. He was quite loud and the two older DC came running down the stairs. I said to him we agreed I'd be quitting work when we decide to try for a 3rd baby and he just continued yelling. He just went on about how I'm lazy and spoil the kids but don't give a shit about him. I said "Shut up the kids have come down" and he screamed "Go to fucking bed!" at them. They both ended up in tears and clinging on to me but I took them upstairs. When I came down he continued to just scream at me and I just stood for a while thinking if I let him get it all out he'll calm down but it just carried on so eventually I ended up shouting back which I realize I shouldn't have done. He happened to be standing by the front door and without thinking he picked up one of his walking boots and threw it at me, it missed my head. I was stunned in silence and then he just went quiet and left the house. I then realized the DC had been standing on the stairs near the door and had witnessed it and after he had gone they came up to me crying. DS was physically shaking. After about an hour I calmed them down enough to put them back to bed and then went to bed myself but didn't sleep. I knew he was sleeping in the van outside.

This morning his van was gone, I took the DC and went to drop DD off at school and then after coming back he was sat in the living room with some flowers and a box of chocolates and DS ran upstairs when he saw him. I didn't want to continue arguing so I accepted the apology and got DS downstairs and my husband told him he was very sorry for upsetting mummy etc. Husband now doesn't want to talk about it again but I can't stop thinking about last night and my children's terrified faces. We argue quite often but this is only the second time it has been like this, the last time was back when DD1 was a baby and it took me a while to get over. It is bothering me even more now because my children witnessed it and were terrified. But I also akcnowledge my husband has realized he was in the wrong and is stressed about finances etc. I don't know how to handle this to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Whats the situation OP - do you rent or own the house, do you have family nearby, or does he? Ideally he'd be leaving now, even if you want to try to fix it, to get counselling on his own. He chose to be that angry, he had a choice.

Another poster touched on the issue of financial pressure and I'm wondering if you (the family unit) are self employed? Is someone holding out on a payment that Hubby has been expecting and waiting for? Although I don't agree with his behaviour at all, people do say and do things in the heat of the moment that they should not.

I think he needs to speak out about whatever it is that is the back story to his behaviour. No good saying don't mention it again etc etc because very obviously something else is going on and I doubt its your spending pattern.

If it comes out that he/you are owed funds, then the next step is starting collection action. I'm about to place a caveat on a property of someone who owes us a fair amount of $$'s for work on the property. Its a perfectly legal thing to do where we live and its relatively cheap as well.

You need to be communicating, surely he isn’t finding out what has been spent by checking online rather than you agreeing it with him pre-hand ?

seriously? A man throws a boot at his wife in front of his terrified small children and this is what your conclusion is???

She tried asking him several times what was wrong. He made sure not to respond until he had whipped himself into a temper. Imo that was deliberate - he wanted to get angry and he wanted to have a big fight. He probably wanted to hit OP but stopped himself barely and threw the shoe instead ... next time he won't stop.

He could have said "you know I'm actually a bit worried about money. We've spent a lot this month. It makes me very stressed" and then they could "communicate" - as the OP begged him to. Most people don't really want to communicate when a boot has just narrowly missed their head. Telling the OP to communicate is just insane.

I also think the OP's children are picking up on tension she doesn't even notice any more.

It's not good op. And it won't improve. At least not permanently. And your children will think this is normal. I did.

people do say and do things in the heat of the moment that they should not.

They don't in general terrify their children and throw boots at their partner.

OP this is serious. This is overwhelmingly likely to progress to ever-greater violence. I have so many clients with kids really suffering the consequence of this kind of trauma for years. Never mind that that boot could hit the baby next time : your children are suffering the awful effects of an abusive home right now. Domestic abuse is child abuse.

Op, have you thought about what happens if your DC tells their teacher that they had to hide while Daddy shouted and threw a boot at Mummy?

Honestly the only way to stop it happening again is to leave your abusive husband. Women’s aid would advise you how to get out safely.

What if that boot had hit you? You could have been K’Od or been left with a bruised or bleeding face. It was only by chance that it didn’t. Not fair on you or your children to grow up with the fear of their dad’s moods/violence overshadowing them. And it’s not up to you to try and appease him in the hope that he doesn’t have these violent outbursts. The only way to ensure that this doesn’t happen again and that your children feel safe is by not living with him.

people do say and do things in the heat of the moment that they should not.

They don't throw things at their partner's head in front of their terrified children. Do you do this? If so get help and move out of your children's home.

The children recognised immediately that this was a scary worrying situation - probably why they came downstairs. Maybe the husband can sort himself out - but it won't be with a box of chocolates and by refusing to talk about it.

Inky are you quoting from a deleted post there? Moo has form for this on other threads, best to ignore - maybe even ask MNHQ to remove your post as it gives Moo more "airtime"?

Put your children first. Get rid of the arsehole husband.

he needs to get help and he needs to do it today or you need to take the kids and leave
it is that simple
your kids have shown fear
your kids now fear their father
the damage has been done
do you want this to be their new normal
do you want their first and most vivid memory of their father to be him yelling at their mother and throwing things, or maybe it gets worse and all they remember about growing up is him beating the shit out of their mother???

thats mine, my first memory of my dad is him beating my mother unconscious

so you need to think about what you want their memories to reflect and weather they are important enough to protect from what they saw last night

he gets help or you walk, it is as simple as that

I am no expert in domestic violence, you must be hard to leave immediately after an incident like this. Thinking of uprooting your kids, finding a new home, how to finance things. I do think it’s quite serious as you husband intended on hiring you with a walking boot. If you don’t leave I’d suggest writing a letter to him spelling out that hitting you with a show is assault and if it happens or anything else physical then you will be reporting it to the police and the relationship will be over.

Ask him if he would like more information about the essential items you need to purchase for the kids. It wouldn’t bother me but I know my husband would be bored to death if I explained every time my daughter needed a new jumper, socks, shoes etc.

Good luck op 💐💐

Geez should have proof read before posting 🙈

Letter to husband is probably not a great idea and a bit inflammatory especially under the circumstances.

@DishingOutDone Thank you. Yes, by the time I'd finished typing and correcting, and eventually posted, I spotted that the offending post I'd quoted had been reported and deleted. I reported my own post so hopefully the admins'll delete mine soon too.

The thing is that no matter how bad the stress is or even under extreme provocation, a person's reaction should not be to attack the other party.

I live with my adult dd and she drives me up the wall at times, but oddly enough I don't attack her. Unfortunately her ex would lose the rag and did, repeatedly.

I don't think there is any safe going back from this. Your children must have been terrified and hearing that it was all because of them must have felt like shit.

I imagine that having three small children and no job, the idea of leaving must be terrifying for you too, OP, but you cannot stay and you cannot accept his excuses.

He doesn’t want to talk about it???! Tough shit!!!! He needs to explain himself and get to anger management. I’d kick my husband out if he did that. Absolutely disgusting behaviour

I actually think that leaning down to pick up the shoe and throw it at you is more though through than reaching out to hit someone. At any point between, leaning down, picking the shoe up, standing up and then throwing it he could have realised that he needed to stop, hitting someone involves reaching out your arm and connecting with someone with force behind it, I am sure if he had of hit you that you would feel like what he did was 100% not ok and never ever acceptable.

I also feel that he didn't apologise to your child but for some people what he said may be a struggle to say and a genuine apology.

If you accept his flowers and chocolates and let him think that is enough to say sorry then I think that you are allowing him to minimise what he did and suspect the outcome will either be you and your children walking on eggshells for the rest of your lives or an escalation of violence.

Don't be surprised if your dd tells someone at school what happened.

It's all about "what did you do in the holidays" when they go back and her most recent memory will be her dad being aggressive and violent and throwing a boot at her mother's head.

I do understand. My dh has thrown things that haven’t hit us but would have been devastating if they had, but because we were okay and an apology was accepted and we just weren’t ‘that’ family I always let it go.
Likewise the not wanting to talk about it and frankly when things were settled I didn’t want to rock the boat because who wants days of sulking and bad moods.
Now I am a strong, independent, reasonably intelligent person and I let it go on far too long (20 years).
I looked at the big picture and thought we were happy for the most of the time, I didn’t want to uproot the kids, money was hard etc etc so I put up with the ‘tantrums’.
Except I actually became more and more fed up and isolated and the same things happened again and again every few months. (The throwing things stopped but he became paranoid and moody). The inbetween parts were fine. It never seemed enough to break up the family for.
Then a few months ago I had enough, he threatened to leave (again) and I let him. Oh he came back, but something switched inside me and now I’m moving out this week. And it is horrible. My ds is devastated, I don’t get to see him all the time, there are many tears and heart wrenching incidences throughout the day. I am coping by the skin of my teeth and with the wonderful emotional support of woman’s aid and some lovely friends.
I told no one so it has been a big shock to everyone, but 90% of the reaction has been ‘wtf? No one should be shouted at/controlled/scared’ etc, even if it is only a few times a year!!!! What really helped was imaging if it was my own daughter, what advice I would give her. If her future partner threw anything at her and screamed at her and the kids and refused to talk about it, especially more than once, I would be driving over to pick them up and getting her out of there. So why didn’t I apply that same love and care to myself?
I wish I’d done it earlier. I’m in my 40s now but trying to convince myself I’m still young!
Good luck with whatever path you choose. Just try and treat yourself the same way that you would expect others to be treated x

2 words op.. Slippery slope.

It's just not acceptable. My first thought was that he is behaving like a guilty man. What's he not telling you? Affair, gambling, job at risk..?

Your child is likely to disclose this at school. Which will mean questions about what you are doing to protect your children. So you need to wise up very quickly here. Either he agrees to talk, and you both discuss actions and resolutions to whatever the issue is, or he needs to go now.

Can you call women's aid today op? Make some plans to leave him because next time he might throw something that hits you or one of your dc. You're not safe in your own home with him.

@MyKingdomForBrie, so everyone with natural low intelligence, those with Learning Difficulties/Disabilities, some people with brain conditions, down syndrome etc, don't know that you shouldn't hurt other people, or be hurt by others? Aren't they capable of thinking things through etc? Being stupid/thick etc is a different state of being than having a low IQ. Some of the most intelligent, well educated people are thick. Politicians are a prime example. What you said was really offensive. People with Learning Difficulties have enough stigma to fight.

Given that historically they suffered Eugenics and having their children automatically removed, your insult is akin to racism, if your struggling to understand my point.

Please rethink using IQ as an insult.