Husband threw a boot at me in front of terrified kids.

[dogdias]

This happened last night and I cannot stop thinking about it. It started out as a normal night, I was putting the DC (DD1 5,DS 4, and DD2 8 months) to bed and my husband was out picking up a takeaway for us both. He came back and we started eating and watching a film. I noticed he had something on his mind as he was quiet (he's usually sat making jokes etc) and asked if he was alright and he ignored me, so I asked again. He just gave a halfhearted yes and then walked off to the kitchen and came back with a beer. I ended up pausing the film and said "Something's bothering you, what is it? Did something happen at work?". He had depression a few years ago when DD1 was a baby and he lost his job and this episode reminded me of that and it scared me, he spent months just sat on the sofa staring into space and snapping when I tried to help. He ended up saying "Just put the fucking film back on or I'm going to bed." So I did and he just sat on his phone scrolling the whole time. Eventually the film finished and I was in the process of finding something else to watch but noticed he kept whispering "For fucks sake" and "Jesus christ" under his breath. I asked what was wrong and he said he was just going through the accounts and had realized how much money I'd been spending and had a go at me for wasting money. I quit work after becoming pregnant with DD2 but he works full time. I haven't been wasting money at all. He earns it but I do the budgeting and work out what the DC's need and also sort the bills. Baby 3 has been hard on us financially and the past month has been particularly tough as all 3 DC had growth spurts needing clothes, my car conked out costing loads in repairs, DS's bed collapsed, DD outgrew her buggy as well as lots of other stuff that has added up. All of the money spent was for essentials for the DC's but he was going on like I'd been spending it on spas and shopping trips for myself. None of it was spent on me, not a penny.

I asked him what he was on about and he ended up shouting that I buy too much and I'm never fucking satisfied and I should get a job myself instead of being a lazy bitch. He was quite loud and the two older DC came running down the stairs. I said to him we agreed I'd be quitting work when we decide to try for a 3rd baby and he just continued yelling. He just went on about how I'm lazy and spoil the kids but don't give a shit about him. I said "Shut up the kids have come down" and he screamed "Go to fucking bed!" at them. They both ended up in tears and clinging on to me but I took them upstairs. When I came down he continued to just scream at me and I just stood for a while thinking if I let him get it all out he'll calm down but it just carried on so eventually I ended up shouting back which I realize I shouldn't have done. He happened to be standing by the front door and without thinking he picked up one of his walking boots and threw it at me, it missed my head. I was stunned in silence and then he just went quiet and left the house. I then realized the DC had been standing on the stairs near the door and had witnessed it and after he had gone they came up to me crying. DS was physically shaking. After about an hour I calmed them down enough to put them back to bed and then went to bed myself but didn't sleep. I knew he was sleeping in the van outside.

This morning his van was gone, I took the DC and went to drop DD off at school and then after coming back he was sat in the living room with some flowers and a box of chocolates and DS ran upstairs when he saw him. I didn't want to continue arguing so I accepted the apology and got DS downstairs and my husband told him he was very sorry for upsetting mummy etc. Husband now doesn't want to talk about it again but I can't stop thinking about last night and my children's terrified faces. We argue quite often but this is only the second time it has been like this, the last time was back when DD1 was a baby and it took me a while to get over. It is bothering me even more now because my children witnessed it and were terrified. But I also akcnowledge my husband has realized he was in the wrong and is stressed about finances etc. I don't know how to handle this to ensure it doesn't happen again.

It seems to me like any half involved husband would already be aware of such things as car repairs, new bed/buggy etc.

Op what your husband did was intentionally go out of his way to pick a fight with you, where he then became physically violent and scared the life out of your kids in the process.

I don't mean to be hard on you but you just accepted his halfhearted apology and shitty box of chocolates and now it all gets swept under the carpet until it happens again, which it will

For the sake of your poor little children, you need to get out

Even his apology to the children is shit. Sorry for upsetting mummy isn't even owning his actions.

He should be ashamed of himself. Your children deserve to feel safe at home. Not feeling safe will break them.

I don't have any experience of this.
But my gut screams that this will happen again.
Your kids being terrified is enough for me.

@flappi

No. What she needs is to kick out her abusive husband.

OP... what you described is what I used to see, regularly, at home, when I was a little girl. Including the flowers and chocolates the day after.
And I’m now a 31 year old woman with complex PTSD, an inability to trust men, and enormous anxiety issues- and I absolutely detest my mother for exposing me to that, and being weak enough to accept it as good enough for herself. Yes she was a victim, no I don’t blame her for the violence. I blame her for staying, and for letting me be the collateral damage.

Please make a choice now, that you will give your children the chance to grow up understanding that love is kind, that violence is abhorrent, and that you put THEM first, always. You’ll be glad you did later.

And for yourself- get out of there. It’ll only get worse, and you deserve more.

eventually I ended up shouting back which I realize I shouldn't have done. He happened to be standing by the front door and without thinking he picked up one of his walking boots and threw it at me,

Y shouldn’t you shout back?

How do you know he picked it up without thinking?

And lobbed it at you? Seriously 😐 why women put up with this shite is beyond me, and the making excuses. Ppl will only treat you badly if u allow them too, I’d leave

This is abusive behaviour and the fact that he doesnt want to talk about it shows he is not prepared to take responsibility for his actions.
How many times are you prepared to except 3,4,5 because every time you forgive him your sending a message that you are going to put up with this kind of behaviour.
The impact living in a negitive environment can be especially damaging for children. Children that witness domestic abuse are more likely to grow up with depression, anxiety and to do poorly at school.
Just remember this is not your fault. You can not be responsible for other people's actions only your own.
I wish you and your children the best of luck x

Leave him. If not for yourself - please for your children, don’t let them live with someone so unstable. Today, boot, tomorrow, glass vase, what after?

@jesuschristwtf

For my mother, it started with thrown dinner plates and ended 10 years, lots of black eyes and split lips later, with a tussle with a knife, while he tried to strangle her. Which I saw.

I was 9 years old, and I was sent out into the street, in the dark, to retrieve the knife from the gutter, where my mother had thrown it after my stepfather.

She took him back. She fucking took him back. And in the end, left him because ... he had an affair.

It still kills me to this day, that she left him for that reason. Not for me, not for what I saw, for shagging another woman.

Anyway, sorry OP.... it gets really fucking bleak, potentially from here, if you don’t do something.

If he's so stressed about money, why is he buying flowers and chocolates? To shut you up, that's why. Hoping that you'll forget that he was belligerent and violent, until next time he does it.

And also as a demonstration that he can spend the money however he sees fit because HE EARNED IT! Bastard.

Flowers and chocolates? Seriously?

This was violent behaviour that could escalate in future and it's not safe for your children. You definitely need to leave him. Seek help from friends or family if available, maybe get some advice from CAB or Womens Aid. Good luck to you.

I have memories of my parents arguing, it was terrifying and I wish they got divorced.

You need to go. For you and your babies. They're scared of their dad. You're scared of your partner. That's not what you or they deserve. You all deserve better. Keep your kids safe and get out as soon as you can OP.
Please don't minimise what's happened. He's violent and abusive. It won't stop there, as others have said it starts small and then escalates. He hasn't started on the kids yet but they get bigger and become targets too.
Please leave. Please go and be happy and not scared.

Oh I had loads of presents .
The morning after he smashed up the kitchen and threw a microwave across the room (aimed at me btw, narrowly missed) he bought me... a sculpture.
I had fancy shoes. Perfume. Loads of weird crap I couldn’t look at. The smell of that guilt perfume still makes me sick.

Poor you dogdias and your children and to an extent him as well.

Now you said he had depression in the past and lost his job etc and that was a very difficult time which it simply is for most all men.

I think that only realistic thing to do is to see if at some point you can talk to him without re starting a war and see if he will at least speak to his GP for a start and that you are as much as you can be now, on his side and supportive and see if the situation can be salvaged it may well be that it can.

However lots will say LTB and quite rightly so but its up to you and what do you want to do are you willing to give him a chance, if, and only if he tries to help himself.

Seems that money issues are well present here and the stress on him to provide for the family may well be tipping him over the edge and he can't handle it as he needs to. It must be difficult meeting the money needs perhaps thats another thing you might see if you can resolve least if not resolve see if that can be managed somehow?

Anyways do hope that you can get something sorted for all your sakes

Poor you dogdias and your children and to an extent him as well.

In what way poor him? He was the only one lobbing stuff in front of defenceless, terrified children.

@Justaboy

I have money troubles... I’ve never terrified my kid for them though.

Unless you are literally starving and about to be homeless because you bought new clothes and fixed your car then he can pipe the fuck down about what you spent. Families cost money and you agreed together that you'd stay home.
Anyway - that's irrelevant. He was disgustingly abusive towards you and by extension towards your children. If you let him sweep it under the carpet with some shitty chocolates and flowers then you're a fool because it will happen again. And again. He believes he's entitled to treat you this way, that's all there is.

Fuck sake
I'm the sole earner in my family. Literately don't get a penny in maintenance as well as paying £1000s of debt back that my ex accrued.
I've been on the bones of my arse and been in tears because my car has gone and I can't afford to fix it. I've sat and cancelled essential direct debits just so I can do a food shop. I've sold wedding gifts and precious things to buy my kid a Christmas present. You know what I've never done? Screamed at anyone and thrown objects at them in front of my kid.

Op please leave. There is loads of evidence to say that arguments and domestic abuse damage children for ever - even if they don't 'see' anything. Put your children first. Do not go to counselling with him. You should not do couples counselling if there is abuse. Good luck

I hope those flowers have thorns they’d be right up his backside.

What if you’d ducked/moved out the way of the boot or his aim was off and it pelted the dc?

How would you explain the marks if it hit you? “Oh dh was angry he threw a boot at me” is not normal.

This is not a normal response to something he no doubt already knew about.. beds don’t just appear, cars don’t fix themselves and buggy’s don’t grow on trees. He sat and picked a fight. He’ll know how difficult returning to work is too, he’ll know they were needed items, he wasn’t born yesterday. He could’ve simply said “money’s tight we’ll need to watch what we spend the next few months” no screaming no abuse.

Run, before he hurts you or the kids.

My x started shouting/screaming for nothing, controlling money, showering me with gifts and then held me at knife point after knocking me through every door in the house. If you’d asked me about him 2years earlier I’d have painted him as an angel, a year in I’d have said he had his moments.. if it’d went any longer would I still be here.

Honestly life is so much better when flowers and chocolates are things you buy for yourself because you just deserve them rather than when they’re the shitty afterthought of an abuser.

@TheSheepofWallSt

Gosh, im sorry to hear.

OP - take heed please. And leave, before it escalates.

eventually I ended up shouting back which I realise I shouldn't have done

Why shouldn't you have shouted back at him? You're entitled to stand up for yourself and not let him get away with being an arsehole.

“don't know how to handle this to ensure it doesn't happen again”

You can’t be sure, unless he talks to you about what is going on.

So I think I would be very straight with him and say that as a partnership and team you have to talk honestly and openly about anything that is going on and unless he does that you are not a team and as he is losing it with you instead if communicating, he will have to go

You can’t be sure EVEN if he talks to you about what is going on.
By the way in that conversation he’ll minimise his actions, and say all the right things. Whatever you want to hear. Just don’t waste your time.