To be bitter about my parent's careers?

[Kplpandd]

My parents were very career focused when I was a child.

They would drop me off on the school playground at 7.30am (even if it was dark in the winter) and pick me up at 5pm.

School holidays from the age of about 8 I spent long days alone at home locked in the house with nobody (spolit only child).

I dont know why but I'm starting to really resent the fact that they felt their careers were more important than my safety. I'm also bitter at the fact that nobody such as teachers or my neighbours ever questioned them about dumping me in the playground or leaving me home alone.

I remember going to my friends house after school once and her mum was home already to welcome her and I was so jealous!
This seemed to hit me when my dd reached 8 because I cant even think about leaving her at home for 12 hours whilst I went to work. Is it even legal?

My parents were well off, I never went without material possessions and as an adult I became very close friends with them both (they have now passed). I mean even if they'd sent me to a childminder I'd at least have had adequate supervision? I guess I'm just having a spoilt rant but would really appreciate others views.

I wrote earlier that times were different then. But I was wrong. Times were different, yes. Seat belts were a hit and miss, kids walked back and forward to school and played out all summer. But what you're describing is neglect and I'm sure it still happens. Your parents sounded horrible. Sorry.

It is awful OP so much was acceptable in the past.
I judged my DM for not working, DF worked though we never had enough, never had fun days out, I was often jealous of working families who had nice clothes and shoes.
As a parent we can never get it right, I work nights around DP. My Dsis works 8am to 6pm my DD has said many times when I grow up I want to have a good job like Aunty as they go on holiday twice a year.
You cant win.

Locking a child in the house all day, every day was never acceptable.

In the 70s and 80s people without family to help them used childminders, made arrangements with other parents, teenage babysitters, used playschemes etc.

There mightn't have been as many formal 'holiday clubs' as now but there were a lot of volunteer-run groups and informal arrangements.

I feel for you OP.
But you could say at least your Dad was around and cared enough to provide for you. I say this to give you some perspective. My dad left us. And when I went to find him as an adult he told me he did not want to know me.

There is always someone worse off

You're right it was never acceptable but it wouldn't bother the neighbours like it would today.
I think it still happens lots during school term, it is not all day but 2 of DDs friends with working parents let themselves in until about 6pm, the parents have little choice with rent and childcare costs, since about aged 8.
They usually go back to grandparents for the summer holidays.

That's awful OP, I feel so sad for you. You are not BU at all.

I was often left at the local library while my mum did her errands. And she was often very late to pick me up from school, so much so I was the only one left. I had left the school grounds and used to wait crying on the pavement

I think you can win. It's called compromise. I don't have the greayest career bit I love my job and earn money.the kids are not left alone. We have moderate holidays.

We are lucky. I know that but I think compromise is a good way to go. Time and money ate valuable commodities. I think it's finding the middle ground. Plus kids can grow up to be stay at home parents or work full time. They can work it out but I am doing my best for them. Saying you cannot win suggests there are no rights or wrongs. There are. Kids left alone all day summer holidays- wrong.

Kids left alone all day summer holidays- wrong.

It wasn't wrong for me. I could go out, have friends over or go to theirs. I could play outside with all the other kids if I wanted. We'd pitch in and have a massive lunch together. Stay in and read as much as i wanted(I was a bit of a bookworm) or watch whatever I wanted on telly. Some days I'd come back for dinner(mum and dad at home by then) then go back out and not come in until late.

. I'd go for a week or two at grandma's but that would be wrong too because I was expected to pitch in with tending the animals, crops and veg and selling tomatoes on the side of the road. I loved those things too.

There is always someone worse off

This is a really common thing people say. I wonder if it has ever brought anyone ever any comfort.

“Your friend just died, but there is a war on in Syria, there is always someone worse off.” Nope it just serves to completely invalidate someone else’s struggles that they are trying to process.

angell84 I’m sorry about your Dad. He did a really shitty thing. But so did the OPs parents. They neglected their only child. That is a shitty thing for them to have done. The OP can process this and she can move on from it but it will only serve to distract her from making that progress by considering everyone else in the world who has had it worse than she has.

YourSarcasmIsDripping glad the sumners worked out for you but you clearly were not all alone, you had company. For the OP it was wrong because she is still distressed about it years later.

Lazydaisies very wise words.

YANBU OP, that sounds horrible. What were they like on weekends?

Do you ever wish you could go back and tell your parents how it made you feel?

(I have reported @ElizaDee ‘s comment. Just unnecessarily mean.

I was an only child who walked myself to and from school from about the age of 7, looked after myself after school until parents got home around 7pm. Presumably looked after myself for most of the holidays although I do remember occasionally going to nanas or off with random family friends. Never resented my parents for my childhood because what else were they meant to do? There was no money for childminders.

@Halloumi your situation is different to OP’s. She’s allowed to feel sad.

@Cassilis good to know you can contribute but my somewhat similar experience is apparently not good enough to share, thanks.

I didn’t say you can’t contribute!

But just because you’re ok with it doesn’t mean OP has to be surely?

Sounds like you grew up in the 80's, it was so much easier to be a parent then!

I think it can be helpful to read similar situations with different outcomes. Once you break them down and compare you can find the differences that made a "normal " thing "wrong ".

Like in OP's case, being left alone was normal-ish, but her being locked in was wrong from an emotional and safety point of view. Why the situations aren't exactly identical can identify to OP why she feels the way she feels, and you're right she's entitled to her feelings. Be that sadness, resentment,anger etc.

It's definitely more helpful than "snowflake", "others have it worse" or "we were all left alone/it was normal".

Yes Yoursarcasm you are totally spot on.

“My parents would have left me alone too around that era...”

sets up a cultural context and background to the OPs understanding of her situation and is useful to help the OP to process her situation and feelings she has around that.

“I was happy with that therefore you should be too” is unhelpful, dismissive and invalidating of the OPs personal feelings about her own experiences. Feelings that may well be different for many reasons, worse overall treatment, differing abilities to cope with adversity etc etc

@Cassilis why? Because children were hardier in the 80's.

My parents both worked night from when I was 10. I can't imagine leaving my child home alone over night every night from that age. I don't have one memory of a parent taking me to a park, or playing a game, or having fun with me.
I'm sad about it occasionally, but no point obsessing, or being angry at my late mum or my dad. Just do better for my own DC.
Maybe you need some therapy? Counselling might help deal with some of the feelings you have.

I went to school in the 80’s and 90’s. I walked by myself from the age of 7. By 9, my younger brother and I were left in the house for 30 mins each morning, I would lock the door, drop the key at a neighbours and we would walk to school together. A couple of kids at school had full time working mums (single parents). They always went home to an empty house. My mum worked breakfast shifts so she would be back by the time we got home from school. I considered myself lucky! Things were so different back then. My 5 year old read a Peter and Jane book to me the other day. He asked why Peter and the dog were in the shop without their mummy and daddy. He was shocked when I told him I used to go to the shop with my friends when I was his age!!

I think times were different then - I was in primary school around the same time as you and pretty much was brought up the same way..
Except school only went for half the day for me and I spent every afternoon alone at home , in addition to the school holidays alone. My parents were not well off though, and both worked.

I’m fine with it all as I know they didn’t really have much choice and I know having a working mum contributed to how I saw my own career path.
I’m sure your parents did what they could for you OP

When I was in the second year of juniors, so eqivilant to year year three I was a latch key kid and spent all summer home alone and I was scared lonely and frightened
And I do think it was neglectful

They always had money for their booze and dogs though ......🧐🧐

Booze and fags not dogs
If I had a dog I would have probably been happy