For telling a woman her baby’s cot was unsafe?

[GimmeeCaffeine]

Hi all. Me again, and Facebook again

This time, a woman posted a photo in a parenting group of her ten week old baby’s cot. It had a cot bumper and loose teddies in it. In the post the mother said she removes the teddies when her baby is asleep but keeps the bumper on as her baby gets their legs caught in the bars.

I commented: ‘Hey, not sure if you knew this, but cot bumpers are very unsafe and pose a potential suffocation/strangulation risk. If you’re worried about baby getting their legs caught in the bars you can put them in a sleeping bag.’

Perfectly polite and non-confrontational, or so I thought. But I then had a few comments saying that I was ‘shaming’ the mother ‘for her choices’ and I was a ‘keyboard warrior’.

I appreciate that being told something you’ve done is potentially unsafe for your child may be galling/upsetting, but I considered that she may not have even been aware that bumpers were unsafe. There were some things regarding safe sleep that I wasn’t aware of until someone told me (I have a baby myself). Also, if I discovered that a baby had suffocated on a bumper and I had known that there were bumpers in their cot but had not said anything for fear of upsetting the mother, I don’t think I could live with myself.

I am all for choices in regards to parenting (I’m firmly in the ‘fed is best’ camp when it comes to breast v bottle feeding and don’t think a mother should be shamed for whatever choice she makes in that regard) but when it comes to safety?

Am I wrong here? Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

Maybe it would have been better to private message the woman as she may feel embarrassed for this to be raised on a public forum. Although, I do see where you’re coming from with your point about if something happened.

On the one hand, I don't know why those bloody cot bumpers are still on sale - they're awful and blatantly unsafe.

On the other hand, I wouldn't say it on social media to someone I didn't know.

So, on balance, YABU.

Sorry, but I would have kept my mouth shut, or at least messaged her privately. It's her decision and her risk to take. There's no shortage of information available so she'll have made a conscious decision to ignore it, as is her prerogative.

My last thought is that if the baby is only 10 weeks it's highly unlikely to be rolling yet, which is when bumpers really become dangerous.

Private message would have been kinder, you didn’t need to make your ‘advice’ public.

Cot bumpers at the bottom end are not that bad.

The strangulation risk is really very low anyway.

Oarents are bombarded withbinfo, I'm sure they knew, and made their choice accordingly.

Maybe butt out a bit. People won't always do things your way, they can risk assess all by themselves.

I think maybe you need to do less facebooking..

@StupidlittlepricknamedRick, you say whilst on an Internet forum..... Also utterly irrelevant to the question asked.

Thanks all, on balance perhaps a private message would have been kinder. However it was posted on a public Facebook page and mine wasn’t the only comment mentioning the bumper. But yeah, perhaps a message would have been better received.

Parents will use cot bumpers for as long as they're on sale. Mamas and papas, mother care, John Lewis etc all have cots on display with bumpers and other hazardous things hanging off them. You will get a lot of enemies if you comment on every post about them!

I don't know why they're still allowed to be sold but I wouldn't say anything to anyone about bumpers until they stop selling them in shops and even then I'd probably keep my mouth shut. It's the shops that should be getting the messages about how unsafe they are not the parents who buy them. It's widely know they're unsafe but some people think if they're sold then these ones must be safe/these ones must be different.

The risk isn't strangulation it's air flow and co2 build up

I think you’re wrong I’m afraid - most people are very aware of the cot bumper risk, and this mum probably was as well and made an informed decision to use one anyway. If you were that concerned a private message would have been more appropriate. You do sound like an, albeit well meaning, busybody. It’s not nice to have someone imply that you’re putting your child in danger, never mind on social media for everyone to see, it’s quite hurtful.

There's no shortage of information available so she'll have made a conscious decision to ignore it, as is her prerogative.

TBF I'm not sure how true this is. There was a poster on here a few weeks ago who was genuinely gobsmacked that she'd never heard of child benefit and everyone else had. Couldn't believe that it was odd to have not known about it, despite having two children!

Depends. I use the airflow bumpers as they are lower risk, to stop DS getting his legs and arms stuck or bumping his head. I'm sure some people wouldn't even use those, but that's my decision.

You're not wrong OP but people get very defensive when they're told they're doing something wrong 🤷‍♀️

@PixieLumos that’s fair. I’m genuinely not most of the time when I comes to parenting (again I think bottle v breast feeding debate is silly and parents should do what they feel is best) but I guess just seeing a cot bumper I typed without thinking. I took a chance thinking MAYBE, just maybe, she didn’t actually know they were unsafe, however small that chance may have been. I personally didn’t know bumpers were unsafe either until a few months ago when someone told me and I THEN went on and did further research.

On reflection though I can understand why it may have been hurtful.

I would sent an attachment of research (peer reviewed or from NHS perhaps) without a personal comment

Given she mentioned clearing the teddies and why she kept the bumper, it’s clear she was aware and had assessed the risk before making her decision.

Not your place to say anything. I’m wondering why you feel it was ok for you to post your opinion about her choices, but not for people to post their opinion of yours?

Preston's story is what alerted me to the dangers of cot bumpers before I had a baby. He was 9 months and active which is still a risky age. He was strangled by the bumper. It's utterly heartbreaking but after reading his story I would absolutely always warn parents of the risk. They need to know the facts and then it's their choice to make.

I personally didn’t know bumpers were unsafe either until a few months ago when someone told me and I THEN went on and did further research.

You were late doing research, so you thought she was the same?

I used these, never knew the risk. I think if she is putting up on public then you can expect comments. It was probably upsetting for her but it is better to know than not know. If all the shops are selling them unfortunately people do presume they are safe imo.

Whilst groups like the Lullaby Trust and Justice for Preston are trying to raise awareness, I don't think most people do know about the SIDS risk of bumpers. As a PP said, when they're available in Mothercare, John Lewis, and basically anywhere that stocks nursery bedding most consumers would think that they "must" be safe. Otherwise they wouldn't be on sale.

It was only when DSis was expecting her first two years ago that I found out that they're a big no-no, and that was because she told me. I've been on MN for 10+ years and had never heard about the risk before, despite knowing about the safe sleep principals of feet to bottom, sleeping on back, no soft animals or toys, alcohol/smoking/overheating risk, etc.

I think OP was right to say something. Even if it has no effect on the person she was talking to, it might cause a lightbulb moment in someone reading that thread.

yanbu and I don't even agree with the DM suggestions - she's posted it publicly so the safety message also needs to be public.

YANBU. Lots of people really don’t know about risks of bumpers, or think that the ones sold in shops must be safe or they wouldn’t be on sale.

I don’t think the risks are particularly well known, tbh. It’s not an absolute given that most people will be aware.

Your post was fine OP. People are just dicks and very defensive.

YANBU, although I think you are overthinking this. I would have found it difficult not to say anything, but it's a public forum, so others also have to right to comment on your posts. Kind of works both ways. I had a friend once post a picture of her child eating olives, and she got a horrified comment to the tune of "I hope you are cutting those up!". I inwardly rolled my eyes, but at the same time, am incredibly nervous about grapes. My friends think I am over-reacting every time they give their 2 year old whole grapes. It's their call, at the end of the day, but it really puts me on edge! tl;dr: you're allowed to comment on her post, but others are equally allowed to comment on yours.