For telling a woman her baby’s cot was unsafe?

[GimmeeCaffeine]

Hi all. Me again, and Facebook again

This time, a woman posted a photo in a parenting group of her ten week old baby’s cot. It had a cot bumper and loose teddies in it. In the post the mother said she removes the teddies when her baby is asleep but keeps the bumper on as her baby gets their legs caught in the bars.

I commented: ‘Hey, not sure if you knew this, but cot bumpers are very unsafe and pose a potential suffocation/strangulation risk. If you’re worried about baby getting their legs caught in the bars you can put them in a sleeping bag.’

Perfectly polite and non-confrontational, or so I thought. But I then had a few comments saying that I was ‘shaming’ the mother ‘for her choices’ and I was a ‘keyboard warrior’.

I appreciate that being told something you’ve done is potentially unsafe for your child may be galling/upsetting, but I considered that she may not have even been aware that bumpers were unsafe. There were some things regarding safe sleep that I wasn’t aware of until someone told me (I have a baby myself). Also, if I discovered that a baby had suffocated on a bumper and I had known that there were bumpers in their cot but had not said anything for fear of upsetting the mother, I don’t think I could live with myself.

I am all for choices in regards to parenting (I’m firmly in the ‘fed is best’ camp when it comes to breast v bottle feeding and don’t think a mother should be shamed for whatever choice she makes in that regard) but when it comes to safety?

Am I wrong here? Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

@Yabbers No I wasn’t late. My baby is only five months old. Someone told me whilst I was pregnant.

I was annoyed because my comment was polite and not at all confrontational but others were being rude to me (‘keyboard warrior was one of the kinder ones).

If you feel strongly about cot bumpers I suggest you write to your MP and ask for them to be banned from sale in the UK, or write on the Facebook pages of the companies who make them, or contact your local baby stores asking why they stock a product that has been proven to be unsafe.

Actually do something that will make a difference.

Publicly calling out one individual isn't going to achieve much but was always going to make her feel bad. If your conscience wouldn't let you leave her be then I agree with PPs that a private message would have been a lot kinder.

The only unreasonable thing you did here OP was tell her in public. A private message with link to safer sleeping guidelines would have been better.

Also those who say they use them at the bottom or any random place in the cot - when your baby starts turning and crawling they will likely move around the cot semi-asleep/asleep.

Although I agree that, being a public forum, people are going to comment on MY comments. My question wasn’t about wether people should have replied to me, it was wether I was BU to comment in the first place.

“Calling out” is nearly as ridiculous as “shaming” when describing someone making a simple well meaning comment.
I hate the way everyday language has become so needlessly dramatic.

If others had mentioned the bumpers what did you feel you were going to bring to the discussion where (it sounds like) she was just showing off her baby's cot?

As a parent yourself you'll know we get unsolicited advice all the time and it's irritating as hell.

It sounds like you did try to make yourself sound superior and didn't like the replies telling you so 🤷‍♀️ if you can dish it out then you should be able to take it too.

I use a breathable cot bumper but I'm not on FB so no one tells me of 😁

Gets me how people think babies need protecting from wooden bars on a cot in the first place. They are rolling over in their sleep, not riding round it on a scooter without a helmet at 50mph

YANBU.

Breathable cot bumpers aren't the dangerous ones though!

I don't think you were necessarily BU in this case, but with some of the safe sleep stuff (not bumpers) you have to weigh up the risks and do your own research I think. Like, we use a Sleepyhead and have since birth. Some people think they're the devil, but I did my research and am happy with using it and I'd be a bit annoyed if someone on FB publicly commented on it, assuming I wasn't capable of looking into it and weighing up the evidence for myself.

I really wish shops would stop selling and displaying these. I remember buying my first baby's stuff from John Lewis and the saleswoman showing us the display cot with bumpers, and telling us "don't use these when the baby's sleeping, they're not safe, we recommend that you just tie them on for decoration and remove them when the baby's in the cot." Good for her for telling us the risk but seriously, who's going to tie stuff to the baby's cot 'for decoration' that only they and the baby will ever see? They're being bought by people who see them for sale and think "must be safe, then".

Are you the same poster who last week upset someone,via Facebook,by telling them their dog wasn't pedigree?

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult, I wasn’t at all trying to sound superior. But I appreciate it may come across that way. I certainly don’t think I’m superior at all. I’m just a mum winging it, as we all are.

My comment wasn’t at all unkind or confrontational and many of the replies were, so I don’t think they were exactly the same. But I did expect some replies. Again, my question was wether I was BU to have said anything in the first place. And clearly you think I was.

Next time I see anything unsafe I guess I should just keep quiet and assume they already know it’s unsafe and they’re taking the risk?

I think it was a bit knobby of you tbh. The risk is extremely low for bumpers and it sounds as though her baby is better with one on weighing up the risks. It’s not really your place to say anything but I do understand you were trying to be helpful

@MaidenMotherCrone Nope, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I certainly wouldn’t say any such thing.

@Sicktobloodydeath ‘Bit knobby’ haha that made me laugh In hindsight I can see it may have come across that way but I was genuinely trying to be helpful! Honest! But as pp have said, a private message would have been much better.

I don't get the whole airflow and co2 build up thing. Its not as if the top of the cot is covered blocking air. More to the point a child in a pram would have less airflow and more co2 build up because of the confined space yet nothing mentioned about that.

I do find it interesting that you did your "research" and feel obliged to comment on this mother's choices and yet you write off the breastfeeding vs formula argument as "silly". I wonder why you wouldn't politely point out the risks of formula feeding. Perhaps more research to do on that one, unless of course it doesn't fit your narrative

I'd probably have gone with a more cautiously-worded message myself, like "Hi, you might know this already, but I only found out recently so just passing it on. Turns out these cot bumpers can be dangerous even though the shops sell them (link to somewhere that's not you explaining why). Anyway your call of course, just passing the info along because it came as a shock to me" or something. Harder to get all indignant in response in that case

Seems daft that so much cautious wording is necessary though. When someone gave me a heads-up about the Hotpoint dryer recall because I owned one, I didn't get all indignantly HOW DARE YOU SHAME MY LAUNDRY CHOICES about it.

It could have been done via private message but because it wasn’t your post has possibly inspired someone else to do some research about the risks. It’s difficult because you don’t want to shame anyone but not everyone knows the risks of bumpers, blankets, car seats etc. I always think if you didn’t say something how would you feel if something awful happened.

I don't think a lot of people know the risk of cot bumpers to be honest, and you don't research every bit of baby equipment do you? A private message may have been a bit more sensitive, but in honesty as places still sell them most people probably assume they're safe. At a baby group I go to no one knew about the risks until I mentioned I had seen a post on Facebook about it, anything to protect babies is good; especially in cases such as this where it's likely she just didn't know.

I am the type of person,who would never put photo's of a baby,a cot,or anything , on a social media page. I simply don't understand why people do it. Surely women who have a baby,know how to keep it safe in a cot,or anywhere else.

Surely women who have a baby,know how to keep it safe in a cot,or anywhere else.

Many don't. You don't automatically become an expert on child safety as soon as you give birth. Many mothers smoke around their babies, put them to sleep on their stomachs, put them in forward-facing car seats, etc.

On the whole concept of "mum-shaming" - I don't understand why society is more worried about a grown woman being judged than a baby's safety.

I don't think a lot of people know the risk of cot bumpers to be honest

They must either have crap HVs or have been watching the wee birdies out the window when the HV was talking. Mine mentioned it at least twice with each of my babies and it was in the safe sleeping booklet that I got in hospital and again at first HV visit; I think it's in the birth to five book as well.