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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For telling a woman her baby’s cot was unsafe?

102 replies

GimmeeCaffeine · 12/08/2019 13:36

Hi all. Me again, and Facebook again Grin

This time, a woman posted a photo in a parenting group of her ten week old baby’s cot. It had a cot bumper and loose teddies in it. In the post the mother said she removes the teddies when her baby is asleep but keeps the bumper on as her baby gets their legs caught in the bars.

I commented: ‘Hey, not sure if you knew this, but cot bumpers are very unsafe and pose a potential suffocation/strangulation risk. If you’re worried about baby getting their legs caught in the bars you can put them in a sleeping bag.’

Perfectly polite and non-confrontational, or so I thought. But I then had a few comments saying that I was ‘shaming’ the mother ‘for her choices’ and I was a ‘keyboard warrior’.

I appreciate that being told something you’ve done is potentially unsafe for your child may be galling/upsetting, but I considered that she may not have even been aware that bumpers were unsafe. There were some things regarding safe sleep that I wasn’t aware of until someone told me (I have a baby myself). Also, if I discovered that a baby had suffocated on a bumper and I had known that there were bumpers in their cot but had not said anything for fear of upsetting the mother, I don’t think I could live with myself.

I am all for choices in regards to parenting (I’m firmly in the ‘fed is best’ camp when it comes to breast v bottle feeding and don’t think a mother should be shamed for whatever choice she makes in that regard) but when it comes to safety?

Am I wrong here? Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
staydazzling · 12/08/2019 19:53

cot bumpers are unsafe? oh gosh my 10 and 7 yr old had them, everyone else i knew did aswell, so "the head didnt get stuck inthe bars" what do ppl use in plave of now?

flobella · 12/08/2019 19:57

I do understand why you felt you had to say something. I am a bit sensitive about cot safety as I know someone who tragically lost their baby in similar circumstances. The safest cot is bare, nothing in or near it that could pose a risk. I see lots of beautifully-styled images on the Internet of nurseries with all kinds of stuff hanging over or near the cot... it freaks me out a bit, I must admit.

Cryalot2 · 12/08/2019 20:11

You meant well, but possibly a private message.
There are so many things that is assumed that parents know the dangers of, yet don't.
A few years ago dh and I were in a relative of his house visiting . We were appalled at the blind cords , but neither said anything..I felt bad but the mother a professional would have slung me head first through the grand windows.

Toknowornot · 12/08/2019 20:31

I think the baby's safety is more important than a mum's embarrassment. You didn't do anything wrong. If another mother chose to put her baby in an unsafe situation, with other mothers not knowing or saying anything, then it's more important for the behaviour to be corrected than for the mum's feelings not being hurt. There are people out there who have put their babies on diets or left them in cars on purpose that killed them, so sometimes a little taste of shame is necessary.

Malvinaa81 · 12/08/2019 20:46

People don't like being preached at by know it alls and do-gooders; I'm afraid you need to recognise this when you publicly post your "advice".

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 12/08/2019 21:06

I don't think you've done anything wrong. If she's made an "informed decision" Hmm to do something dangerous and then posts about it on Facebook, she can expect to get people informing her that it's dodgy. That's not "shaming" her.

And I think it's fine to do it on her fb post - a private message might be more discreet but as many people aren't aware of the danger I think the more people who see this the better! Babies' safety trumps any number of offended parents.

Ginandgingers92 · 12/08/2019 21:21

Apparently, the cot bumper thing is moreso a danger due to the possibility of baby overheating, and being unable to regulate their own heat whilst so little, particularly if they're the padded bumpers. You learn something new everyday!

Hmmmbop · 12/08/2019 21:34

@53rdWay and @socksforfox the airwrap/ breathable/mesh bumpers are equally risky due to risk of strangulation. There is also no regulation on what is considered "breathable" and no research done on whether or not the increase CO2 around baby (the main risk with non-mesh bumpers).

staydazzling cot rails are regulated in terms of distance apart so a babys head should not fit through them )like with stair bannister rails as well now). I f you have a baby with a very small head, due to being prem/ multiple etc then they should be in a smaller crib/ moses basket etc.

There have been no instances of cot death from getting trapped between cot bars in the last 20 years, there have been several instances of CO2 rebreathing and strangulation.

OP you were not wrong.

socksforfox · 12/08/2019 21:39

the airwrap/ breathable/mesh bumpers are equally risky due to risk of strangulation. There is also no regulation on what is considered "breathable" and no research done on whether or not the increase CO2 around baby (the main risk with non-mesh bumpers

You can see through it it's so breathable. I've put it against my face and breathed. It's fine.

No more a strangulation risk than their own t shirt for God's sake.

Why do people inflate issues where there aren't any?

Hmmmbop · 12/08/2019 21:53

socksforfox I worked as a children's social worker for 8 years. I do not inflate issues. I have attended more than one child death enquiry in relation to unsafe sleeping arrangements. These have included "breathable" cot bumper strangulations, SIDS and unsafe co-sleeping deaths.

TheCraicDealer · 12/08/2019 21:59

The lady who runs Justice for Preston and campaigns to have them banned had her nine month old son strangled by a detached bumper which had wrapped around his neck twice. It does happen.

Sux2buthen · 12/08/2019 22:14

Op, if I was her I'd probably read your post and say 'ugh some know it alls stocking her ore in'
Sulk and moan for a bit
And remove the bumpers. Moodily. But knowing it was the right thing.
Hopefully she will do the same.
I think a bit of awkwardness is worth it, it's potentially life saving stuff. Good for you

LittleOne61 · 12/08/2019 22:36

I bought a cot pack with bumpers when pregnant and never knew cot bumpers were dangerous! I found out before my little one arrived and immediately binned them but if I'd been using them and someone knew they were dangerous then I would want to be told! Probably a private message would be better than publicly though.

faelavie · 12/08/2019 22:48

YANBU!

By posting a comment for others to see, you could have educated someone else about the risks, that wasn't aware of them before. A private message wouldn't do that.
This woman posted a pic for all to see, she therefore invited public comment on it!
Balls to hurt feelings if it saves someone from using the horrible things, god knows why they are still sold.

Marshmallow91 · 12/08/2019 22:54

I'm with you OP, she posted it publicly, therefore gave up her right to privacy in regards to people viewing her cot (and potential risks). I would have said something too, but probably would have also attached evidence from the NHS or somewhere reputable.

Allli · 12/08/2019 23:07

You tried to do a good thing. Don’t fret about it. You didn’t go at her in a nasty way, you tried to be informative and friendly. If you hadn’t said it someone else would. Or perhaps loads of people sent her pm’s saying the exact same thing and that’s why she cracked and you were the whipping boy, who knows.

MummyT87 · 13/08/2019 08:58

I don't see the issue in your reply to her. If people are going to put their pictures up publicly online then they have to accept everyone is going to put up their own opinions on it. And my opinion is you're right about the bumper.

If I ever post to a baby group I expect all kinds of responses as everyone has a view on something.

Don't read to much into the negative comments you got back. Some people who have a different opinion to you will take offense that you have the audacity to think something different to them 🤣

Just unfollow the post and get on with your life ☺️

Yabbers · 13/08/2019 09:10

My baby is only five months old. Someone told me whilst I was pregnant.

Not exactly “a few months ago” you found out then, is it?

I was annoyed because my comment was polite and not at all confrontational but others were being rude to me (‘keyboard warrior was one of the kinder ones).

That’s not your AIBU though, is it? You wanted to know if you were right to shame a mother online for doing something you disagree with, because, safety innit. Now you’re asking whether people should have been nicer to you on the Internet?

Next time I see anything unsafe I guess I should just keep quiet and assume they already know it’s unsafe and they’re taking the risk?

Yes. That’s exactly what you do. Assume other people are just as clever and (eventually) do research too.

Yabbers · 13/08/2019 09:11

will take offense that you have the audacity to think something different to them

Just like OP has done?

herculepoirot2 · 13/08/2019 09:13

A private message would have been appropriate. Not what you did.

Pineappleofmyeye · 13/08/2019 09:24

Gosh people are defensive! I completely disagree don't assume people will have done the research bevy a lot of people will not have. If you see something say something she posted publicly and the advice should be public. Imagine if someone saw the picture loved the look and replicated it, assuming it was safe because they saw someone else do it.
There are a lot of assumptions being made about the level of research and advice given to new parents. I am pregnant and wouldn't know if it were for comments like yours that bumpers are dangerous.
You still see plug covers, babies in prams covered up and children given whole grapes as snacks despite campaigns warning against this.
Why is it better to assume that a parent has ignored the risks rather than just not knowing them?

MummyT87 · 13/08/2019 10:36

But OP hasn't taken offense, she's mearly asking people's opinions - and may I add not kicking up a storm with everyone who is not agreeing with her either.

Littletabbyocelot · 13/08/2019 10:59

I think if people share pictures of unsafe practice and no one challenges it then that risks other people thinking it's safe. I did that with putting a muslin over the pram in the sun. Everyone was doing it, I thought it was the right thing for my newborn twins in a heatwave. They used to cry a lot and I'd stop frequently, uncovering them for cuddlies. Then I saw an 'interfering' comment like yours on someone's post explaining that the temperature can reach 40 plus. I stopped straight away.

socksforfox · 13/08/2019 11:58

I worked as a children's social worker for 8 years. I do not inflate issues. I have attended more than one child death enquiry in relation to unsafe sleeping arrangements. These have included "breathable" cot bumper strangulations, SIDS and unsafe co-sleeping deaths

Specifically which bumpers and ages? Interested as I use the Airwrap mesh bumper and he's 18 months

Hmmmbop · 13/08/2019 12:23

socksforfox not going in to details as that would be unprofessional but 4 deaths, 8months - 13months, mesh and padded. 2 strangulation and 2 CO2 rebreathe. These are the ones I had some involvement in. There were more within the 2 areas I worked (geographically removed). Plus a handful of non-accidental injury deaths and serious injury.

Most accidental/ cot deaths were children unknown to SS prior. It can happen to anyone.