About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

The OP is loooooong gone.

pretty poor thread, this, sparse/ambigous details provided by OP & then lots of respondents filling in the gaps by projecting their own circumstances into them...

But maybe she’s talking about a more generalised amount - which would explain why she refers to it as “DH’s inheritance” at some times, but the “children’s” at other times. It’s both, and there was no formalised allocation between family members. So when she talks about “paying them back”, she means that when they come to buy a house or car or whatever in ten years or whenever, it will be possible to compensate them for the “taking away” of some money that could potentially be left to them? The financial pinch is now, because of the mortgage.

Virgin, I don't think there is any point in tying yourself in knots trying to find a way that this is something it's not.

It's unpalatable and as a pp said, the common consensus is she should not spend her children's inheritance so she doesn't have to work.

I’m not tying myself in knots. I’m on holiday and this is keeping me occupied..

I just don’t think any mother in her right mind would seriously say - “My MIL has left my children £x in their names. I have now decided to raid their inheritances - AIBU?”

It’s not even legally possible to do this, for a start.

You have had a roasting, OP. The thread has been pretty united in not spending the children's inheritance and your last update seemed to agree.

You do work some paid hours. You have applied to at least a couple of jobs with longer hours and have been unsuccessful and had your confidence knocked a bit. The deceptively simple "get a job" and "up your hours" posts seem to ignore the difficulty of doing those things.

Between your current job and volunteering you should have good references and transferrable skills which is a start. But it isn't easy and it's difficult if your confidence is low or you have a lot of anxiety.

Anxiety. There's a lot of that in your posts. I have experienced it myself and I want you to know that you can get help and it can get better.

I think you and your husband have to take a good long look at the finances. If you managed to get the mortgage then it could be that reducing spending in other areas could be enough to give you space to train or build up your own business so that you could be contributing more in a couple of years time when childcare is less of an issue as they are older.

Some counselling might be helpful to deal with the anxiety around your mother's death. I know where you are coming from, my DH's dad died young so we have a tendency not to want to put off living for family, experiences etc until retirement the way some folk do.

Working on yourself, your anxiety and what kind of career might suit you longer term would be healthy I think.

It's hard when things are tight, not to focus on the possibility of a quick fix. I know that when we are low on funds is when we fantasize most about even a small win of money to solve our problems. It's human, if not entirely sensible.

Lots depends on the specifics of both the inheritance (how much of DH's share remains) and your current outgoings, and what savings you could make. Do work on a detailed budget with your DH and see what your choices are. And decide about more hours at a similar wage in the short term is immediately necessary and/or working on more longer term plan of a career or business for you for when your children are older and what that would look like and what the first steps of that would be.

And once again, ThirdThoughts comes on towards the end of an AIBU thread to encapsulate the whole scenario in a nutshell and then to respond with empathy and reason.

I just don’t think any mother in her right mind would seriously say - “My MIL has left my children £x in their names. I have now decided to raid their inheritances - AIBU?

But that's exactly what she's done. That's what the thread is asking. And she's not the first on her to ask it. It's more common than you'd like to think. From spending thr inheritance on a house, birthday money on whatever, there is a scarey amount of parents out there who get themselves into financial trouble/greedy/feckless and want to take what belongs to their kids with no plans to pay it back.

And as much as the kids would have legal recourse and she could argue the money was spent for their benefit, as she's argued on here, it benefits them in her view to have her at home, ultimately as she says it would be a fight with the father in law to get it for their every day living expenses and not to keep it ringfenced for their kids.

Quite rightly too.

I agree @Bluntness100

@virginmojito, you are trying to see the very best in the OP. If they can't pay their expenses now, it's a bit reckless to assume they will magically be able to pay it and that OP will repay the kids in full later with the money she can earn then. It will likely be a 25 year commitment. It would be fine if OP had a concrete plan, but what she is saying is quite wishy washy - I wouldn't lend someone money on the basis that they were a bit skint, didn't have a real budget, didn't want to work more now but we're planning to get a job in 5-10 years time that would pay me back at least some of it. And I don't see why her kids should.

I also agree virgin is trying to find the best in the op here, but as said it's fairly clear it is what it is, and this is something there is a thread about regularly.

There is a surprisingly large amount of people who wish to take money from their own kids. Many of them plan to never tell the kids they had it in the first place, or argue, like the op, it benefitted them at the time.

My brother and SIL take their children's birthday money. They have no shame about it. The family is a bit skint so all money is family money.

If dirt poor I'd understand but they are poor due to being in a mutually emotionally abusive relationship where they punish each other through both repeatedly failing to work and both overspending.

There is a lot of it about. Some people are just mindbogglingly selfish.

But maybe she’s talking about a more generalised amount - which would explain why she refers to it as “DH’s inheritance” at some times, but the “children’s” at other times.

I think it's because, in her view, the money should all be available to for her and dh.

She said her fil has turned the tap to 'Dh and the kids money'. There was no tap to be opened to the kids money.

And dh asked his dad to turn the tap to his money off.

The OP clearly feels that it should all be available. Whatever money is available left from DHS AND the kids money.

She does clearly say mil left the money to dh AND the kids.

As I said, if the dh is a high earner OR sat on a fortune. The kids money wouldnt even be up for debate. So there cant be that much of DHS money left. Which is why she feels there should be access to the kids money.

What we do know is that the dh and the OP made poor financial decisions with the money. Its more likely that this is reason that dh gave control to his father.

Because he and the OP make poor decisions and then would have nothing left.

He may even know that the OP is the type to dip into the kids money. But that's speculation.

Personally, if i though my other half would rather take the kids money than work. They would be a deal breaker for me.

There is a surprisingly large amount of people who wish to take money from their own kids.

Yep, there was one recently where the OP didnt think it was an issue for the kids to wait until she died to get the inheritance. She wanted to use what they had been left to put towards a deposit to a house.

When asked what happens when they want their money, she felt they could wait until she died. Forget about what happens with care fees, loss of job and not being able to pay the mortgage etc. But she was taking their inheritance and then making them wait to inherit off her. So really they would never actually inherit of their grandparents.

Its something alot of people do.

Oh and that OP pointed out that 'they wint ever know if we choose not to tell them'.

@virgin I try. I do seem to be a bit late to the table often. But it's like walking past people who are completing a large jigsaw puzzle for the OP and spotting that a piece has fallen on the floor. I hope adding it back in helps the picture come together. Of course, sometimes it might have been from a different puzzle altogether and I'm wrong!

Lots of good points made before mine!

OP is a grabby CF. Her DH knows it and her FIL certainly knows it. Her DH sounds poor with money too but maybe he assumed the OP would go back to work when they decided on the house. That's still no excuse, though. Together, they're financial carnage.

OP - you and your DH need to look at yourselves, forget the inheritance even exists, and make a sustainable financial plan. Buying a house you can't afford puts your kids at risk. You must surely see going after their inheritance is no solution.

Christ, I hope the FIL has a plan for the future management of the funds, if necessary.

Hello, thank you everyone very much for your comments.
I confessed to DH that I'd put a thread on Mumsnet to get some other points of view and he wasn't bothered as I thought he would be, just laughed. I told him the vast majority think I should just get a bloody job and he laughed more!

The inheritance is in a SIPP, opened by FIL and MIL. We don't really know much about SIPPs and tend to rely on FIL's information.
The account has been put into litigation by FIL because the full amount has been split into 4 separate named accounts for DH and 3 DC. FIL is outraged by this because it means 4 sets of account fees and he believes the SIPP managers are ripping us off, even though that is what MIL specifically requested. He has told us that minors can't hold SIPPs so it should all have gone into one account in DH's name, but he believes they created 4 accounts to maximise their fees. DH has agreed to him doing this as he doesn't want to argue.

FIL paid our first mortgage off as a favour. I tend to believe that he realised after MIL's passing that hoarding all this money wasn't helping but I don't know.

The inheritance is untouched. He gives us money from other accounts, eg for the holiday. He doesn't want us to touch the capital in the SIPP as he considers it a very good investment.
Recently however, several thousand pounds of dividends became available. DH requested the cash. FIL "misunderstood" him and reinvested the dividends in more SIPP shares (which have lost value recently due to Brexit).
This is why it's so confusing. Our family has thousands in the bank but we're not allowed to have it and can't pay our bills. Some of it is DH's and therefore also mine by marriage but we're not allowed that either. DH has flat out asked his dad for his money and his dad ignores him.

I have listened to you, even though some of you are downright rude and unpleasant. I did believe it would be in the best interests of the children for me to stay at home, even if that meant using bits of their inheritance but I now accept I need more paid hours. We would burn through the money. I have read the helpful suggestions with keen interest.
I do have issues with allowing my children to go to childcare. I will have to deal with that, with the support of my DH. He has supported my decision to stay with my children while he worked and on the whole, it has worked well. We believe our children are happy and so far, we have always provided for them. His career has flourished and he has always enjoyed working, while I have enjoyed being at home with the kids. That has to change now and I'll have to deal with that.
Thank you again for your comments, time and interest.

Thanks for coming back OP.

Hmm odd that you came back once the thread settled down and gave all the detail you didnt bother over several posts

All that makes you sound more reasonable.

Theres no horrible dh hoarding money and you admit you cant be trusted.

No, it doesnt benefit your kids to take their capital.

Anyway, you seem happy, so I am out too.

I’m glad you came back OP and thanks for the clarifications.

I still struggle to get my head around thinking it was ok to spend the inheritances BUT your update sounds much more mature and reasonable about the situation.

Sounds like your family are well taken care of financially thanks to PIL. You’re very lucky.

This is why it's so confusing. Our family has thousands in the bank but we're not allowed to have it and can't pay our bills.

Oh gawd. If you can't pay your bills, both of you need to work. What will happen with the next set of bills, and the next?

Some of it is DH's and therefore also mine by marriage but we're not allowed that either. DH has flat out asked his dad for his money and his dad ignores him.

Well, apart from paying off your mortgage on your previous house? Your FIL obviously knows you will just waste this money and fritter it away. Use inheritance on big stuff that will last, not on paying bills that you can't afford because you don't both work.

You do realise that most people don't get mortgages paid off and use inheritances to pay bills, and have to manage? Why can't you?

Its like hitting your head against a brick wall with this one. I pity your FIL.

I wasn't expecting the interest! My last post here had 8 replies! I tried to keep up and read all the comments but I had to take the children to a working farm for a lookaround while I did some volunteering admin, popped to the shop, cooked tea, took DH to a drs appt, put the kids to bed and then looked at the August budget spreadsheet before DH wanted an early night and we've had visitors this morning. I'm on page 21 so will try and catch up.

Some of it is DH's and therefore also mine by marriage

Just to correct you - this is not true. If you were to separate, a judge would look at all the money you both have, and woudl decide on the most equitable split based on your need. But you cannot assume all your DH's money is also yours. It isn't. Likewise if you were to win £20 million on the lottery it woudl belong to you, not your DH.

My friend went through a divorce her OH had inherited his mothers estate the judge would not award one red nickel to my friend that money was set aside from the divorce case. This was three years ago.

Are these SIPPs in your fil's name or in your dh and dc's? Surely the latter means they can access them? Have you seen proof of these? Know which bank they are with? Your fil's refusal to give dh money he has requested is suspicious in itself. Whatever about the dc's money, not allowing your dh access to his own inheritance would concern me. Have you seen yearly statements or is all on fil's word?