About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

I'm with most other people on this thread OP, YABU.

Not working is a luxury, even with three kids and you seem to see it as a right.

If you can't afford to do it, it's not for you to use your kids inheritance. You chose to have kids so you should have a way of financially supporting them without using their money.

Wishihad

I will have to bow out of discussion about whether she is a thief. We clearly disagree and I am not going to succeed in changing your mind, such as it is.

Because you keep talling about one pot.

Because this may be how it has been presented to her.

@herculepoirot2 yes we should. Because if you dknt understand that taking money of someone who can not consent to lending you it is theft, then there iant much to say.

I can not believe the lengths you are going to make what she wants to do perfectly acceptable

What we know is

Dh and 3 kids got left money.

Dh and OP spanked aloud of money on a mortgage and a holiday if a lifetime

OP and dh can not afford their living costs

Ops one and only plan is to use the kids money to stay at home. Not look at what dh has left, not downsize.

Get her kids to fund it.

I can not believe the lengths you are going to make what she wants to do perfectly acceptable

You haven’t read the several posts in which I have said she shouldn’t take the children’s money, then?

Wishihad

So you are in agreement with me that she should find out precisely how much of her husband’s inheritance is remaining, and they should discuss their joint finances from there?

Goodness me @herculepoirot2 I reckon you've racked up the equivalent of full time hours on this thread!

Goodness me @herculepoirot2 I reckon you've racked up the equivalent of full time hours on this thread!

Good thing it’s nothing to do with you how I spend those hours, then, isn’t it?

The defence of a woman who wants to steal money from her children, with no means of being able to pay it back, is utterly batshit. Take the SAHP out of the scenario. She wants to steal from her children to fund her lifestyle.

It is literally illegal. How is anyone justifying this behaviour? How is this not 100% yabu?

The SAHP warriers have really lost the moral high ground when they tie themselves in knots trying to excuse stealing money from your own children.

So you are in agreement with me that she should find out precisely how much of her husband’s inheritance is remaining, and they should discuss their joint finances from there?

Yes. I have said that all along.

But I also doubt there is any substantial amount left. Which ops knows, which is why she has jumped straight to wanting the kids money.

It makes no sense to not be looking at his first. Unless she knows there isnt much.

My car is fifteen years old.

If I want to replace it, is it ok to 'borrow' the money from my sons account?

I have no way of paying it back, despite it being a working single mum (who also manages to give her son with HFA plenty of attention and stick a wash on) I live pay check to pay check.

Son will benefit, because we have a better cat to drive him round.

Is that ok?

@herculepoirot2

Absolutely!

It's pretty insane to take your DC's chance of getting on the property ladder away so you don't have to get a job.

Can you articulate what terrifies you about childcare? Most children go to some sort of childcare, with no ill effects. Can you not do 3 or 4 full days, with a day (or even 2) left to yourself to catch up on laundry/cleaning/shopping? Most working parents manage it fine, I'm sure you can adapt.

*But I also doubt there is any substantial amount left. Which ops knows, which is why she has jumped straight to wanting the kids money.

It makes no sense to not be looking at his first. Unless she knows there isnt much.*

Or unless - and again this isn’t an assumption but I suspect it could be the case - he is deliberately avoiding being explicit about how much belongs to him and how much to children, precisely so that he can keep it, under the pretext that the money is all being kept for the children.

Is that ok?

Has a single person on this thread apart from the OP suggested they would do this?

We don't know anything about what he received it what he spent or what is left.

The OP asked whether it was reasonable to use the children's inheritance to pay household bills. I think we all agree that it is not.

We can speculate all we want, but the bottom line is that the money that belongs to the children should be saved for the children.

Or unless - and again this isn’t an assumption but I suspect it could be the case - he is deliberately avoiding being explicit about how much belongs to him and how much to children, precisely so that he can keep it, under the pretext that the money is all being kept for the children.

Except she is fully aware if figures. She knows how much it is. Shown by her saying it's more than she can earn in 10 years so she as a clue how much it is.

She also know how much the holiday and new mortgage is.

Has a single person on this thread apart from the OP suggested they would do this

Well you seem to be able to justify ops opinion that her kids money is fair game, because her husbands money is probably being hidden.

Your whole defence of OP is based on the fact that the husband might be hiding money and the OP has no clue about family finances. Despite her ot saying anything of the sort.

She is cagey because she knows her and her husband have spent far too much money, are crap with money and knows she shouldnt be contemplating tapping into the kids money.

She was probably hoping people would probably support her being at home at her kids expense.

Very very few women I know don’t work at all once dc at primary. I loved my sahm time (6 years) and left a top job to do it but once dd2 started school that phase is over. Can you start your own business? It’s not for everyone but I can wfh and earn decently.

It sounds as if they should have just stayed in the old house. Fil agreed them to access money to pay the old mortgage off for dh's mental stress.
Whoever's decision it was to move to a bigger house was not very financially savvy. It sounds as if it was an emotional decision. It sounds as if the op went along with it grudgingly but we don't really know. Perhaps it's only now that she realises that the flip side of this is is they can't afford to run it. Did dh?

It is what it is now. The op needs to get a better understanding of what this"technical detail" is. She's realised she can't touch the kids money so she needs to agree with her dh the best way forward. I can see why she feels cheated and pushed into getting a job now. Hindsight is great. She should have taken a bigger interest in the financial implications of the move at the time. Does fil really have full control or is it a dh decision? If I was the op I'd want to know the full picture now and plan for the future based on that.

YABU you need to work if you are struggling. What would you have done if you didn't have this money?

I'm a single working mum and if I had the opportunity to have some money earmarked for my son's future I'd be delighted. No way would I quit work and use it for bills so I can stay home!

I suspect that neither the OP nor her husband are particularly financially savvy (for instance, buying a house they couldn't afford), and that's why the father-in-law is managing the money, so it won't be frittered away. But that's just speculation on my part. It doesn't change the fact that the children's money should be off-limits.

FIL's AIBU:

I paid off my son and DIL's mortgage because they have three children and were struggling because DIL is SAHM and I was fortunately in a position to help my family.

I was dismayed to find they then bought an expensive house with a new mortgage that they can ill afford.

So when the pension/inheritance from my late wife's estate came through I was extremely worried that the children's share of that money would go into paying for the new mortgage as well as their living expenses as my DIL still does not work.

I am trying to control any outgoing cash flow from that very firmly to avoid a situation where they kids are left with nothing in 10 years time.

I am unsure as to why they are yet again living beyond their means and why my DIL has not tried to get a job that supports the lifestyle they want. My DIL has made noises that they are struggling and that she feels working more substantial hours will be damaging for the kids. I don't know about that, but I do know they had the opportunity for her to continue to be a SAHM and be mortgage free.

Am I being controlling or sensible?

I think @herculepoirot2, in your eagerness to defend OP's plan to deprive her children of their inheritance (and her divine right to not work if she doesn't fancy it) you've missed that OP specifically posted to ask about using the DC's money - not DH+DC's money, specifically DC's money, as per the thread title.

Well you seem to be able to justify ops opinion that her kids money is fair game, because her husbands money is probably being hidden.

Not for a second. I am saying only that IF her husband is hiding money, this is unacceptable, and the OP should have a clear view of the financial decision so that she can either concur or disagree with her DH that they can’t afford for her not to work. I am in opposition to the idea that the OP should just STFU and get ‘any job’.