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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront SIL's about exclusion of DD?

288 replies

CorkNight · 11/08/2019 20:00

DD is 14. She has 2 aunties on her dad’s side and 3 uncle’s. Today she came up to me and asked if me or DH had fallen out with either of the SIL’s. I said no and asked why and she showed me a Facebook post of one SIL’s. Both SIL’s, SIL1’s DD16, SIL2’s step DD’s 12 and 14 and one of my BIL’s DD15 were all on the Eurostar. They are going to Paris and come back Wednesday. SIL described it as a “girly holiday”. There are a couple of other nieces via BIL’s but they either are at uni or have young DC so they are irrelevant. DD was confused as to why she wasn’t invited. If it was just SIL1 and SIL2 with their DD’s I could put it down to a sister trip but they have invited BIL’s daughter and SIL1 posted about how she can’t wait to spend time with her nieces.

DD has been invited to trips with her aunties in the past and I’ve always paid for everything and DD has always had a nice time. But things have been strange with DH’s family for a while now. We moved in June and I made a groupchat of all the siblings (DH doesn’t bother with Facebook) and said “Who would be up for a house warming on X weekend?”. Only of the SIL’s replied and said “If we have nothing else on we’ll come x.” Needless to say housewarming never happened. On weekend me and DD were shopping in the city and DH rang to say a BIL had popped round. I said “Oh we’ll come home then and say hi.” and then DH said “Oh well he’s going in a minute.”. Soon after that some of DH’s siblings went to a festival and we weren’t invited.

DD’s exclusion from the Paris trip though has really twisted the knife in. She loves her aunties and cousins. She’s had an awful time with bullying and exlusion from friends at school (her aunties know this) and so her mental health is already in tatters and so to be excluded by her family as well has destroyed her. I confided in my sister about it damn near tears and my sister has been lovely and has arranged to treat DD on Friday. The thing is, DH doesn’t seem arsed about any of it. He just says “Well we couldn’t afford to pay for DD’s Paris anyway.” Which is completely besides the point and as she’s had such a shit time lately I’d have scraped together the money for her to go and have a nice time with her cousin’s. DH denies it but I think we have done something to upset his family (honestly can’t think what) and they have spoken to him about it but he doesn’t want to tell me. He hates conflict and is a bit spineless so rather than go “Okay I’ll speak to my wife about it and see if we can sort this.” he’d just avoid it and keep us seperate.

I want to get to the bottom of this for DD’s sake more than anything, she keeps saying “Well I must just be bad company so why should they invite me?”. This has really damaged her. Would I be unreasonable to contact a SIL? “DD has seen you have gone away without her and is very upset, she’s already having a hard time as you all know and is devastated that she’s been excluded by her aunts who she adores. I suspect me or DH have done something which has upset you all and you have spoken to DH about it but you know what he’s like and he won’t tell me. Could you please tell me what the issue is so we can sort it and I can tell your heartbroken niece that it’s not her?”.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 12/08/2019 20:22

What a shame he didn't tell you before you spoke to the family. He's just embarrassed both of you and hurt your dd at the same time.

justasking111 · 12/08/2019 20:32

If you have sent messages, you need to apologise, explain you are mortified because you did not know that your DH had borrowed money from the family. Then hope they are understanding.

I do not know what the heck you are going to tell your DD, you know her better than me.

Atalune · 12/08/2019 20:50

He borrowed 2k and didn’t tell you!? Oh dear. That’s crazy.

Good luck- hope you can mend fences with your extended family x

SavingSpaces2019 · 12/08/2019 20:55

So he doesn't think it's anything to do with DD but they just don't want to take her away knowing he's still paying back MIL and we are skint
He's still lying to you.
They all know that YOU don't know about the loan - BIL knows for definite, so there was no need for him to rush off, he could have just avoided talking about it.
It also doesn't explain why they ignored your housewarming invitation - bollocks to any claims of "they didn't want us stretching ourtselves financially for a party".
Or why there's been an atmosphere since before the move - the loan was agreed and is being repaid and i presume he hasn't defaulted on that?

His whole family knew about the loan - except for you.
I would feel incredibly betrayed by my partner.
What else is he hiding/lying about?
There's something else OP - dig deeper.

Motoko · 12/08/2019 21:24

So, I was correct about the money. Yet, knowing all that, he didn't think he should tell his DD that it had nothing to do with her, but with something between him and his family, and that they don't hate her? He's just shrugged his shoulders and says she needs to get over it? Wow.

But, to be honest, like other posters, I don't think he's told you everything, otherwise, why all the other behaviour, like the housewarming?

Butterbeeeen · 12/08/2019 21:39

Reading this and all I can think about is this is exactly why young people should not have social media. Had she not looked on Facebook she would never have known and wouldn't be upset. It really is as simple as that.

Indicative · 12/08/2019 21:48

I suspect he has defaulted on his repayments to MIL and it is upsetting her and consequently the other siblings who are having to deal with an upset mother.

If you haven't got the money to move why did you?

Atalune · 12/08/2019 21:53

indicative I think you have it. On the nose!

Chitarra · 12/08/2019 21:56

What an arse your DH is. He could see how upset DD was, but still kept quiet for a whole day before he told you Angry

TitianaTitsling · 12/08/2019 22:08

Your MIL has dementia and her money is being given to your family.. does she have capacity to make this decision? If not what powers were used?

SavingSpaces2019 · 12/08/2019 22:09

Had she not looked on Facebook she would never have known and wouldn't be upset ......and in this instance, OP would have never discovered her husband's betrayal and lies.

Haffdonga · 12/08/2019 22:18

Doesn't really explain why they all blanked you when you invited them to your housewarming, does it? (A polite thanks but we're busy would have been less pointed.)

Quartz2208 · 12/08/2019 22:18

Clearly when your BIL was round and then left they were discussing this.

I suspect there is more to the money thing I suspect he is having trouble paying it back as well

The thing is though your DH is not that close to his family so there are going to be times you and your DD are left out you need to deal with that

cornish009 · 12/08/2019 22:21

I was wondering if any of your husband's siblings thought it a litle unethical to borrow money from someone with dementia. I am guessing it could be seen as questionable, as she may not have been able to make a sound and reasoned decision, or been able to have the capacity to refuse. Do any of your husband''s siblings have Power of Attorney, in which case they would have had to agree the loan also. Just a thought anyway and I do not mean to be unkind it's just my own mother who had dementia, would probably not have been able to make a reasoned decision on financial affairs for several years before her diagnosis. And I wondered if the siblings were concerned about this.

fedup21 · 12/08/2019 22:26

You suspected he'd borrowed off someone but didn’t think to askConfused.

TitianaTitsling · 12/08/2019 22:36

And even if they do have Power of Attorney, the power to gift MILs money would have to be listed in the Powers, they couldn't just decide for that to be done.

ArthurMorgan · 12/08/2019 22:38

Did I read it right that MIL has dementia and your dh has borrowed 2k from her?
If that is the case then I suspect that's the whole reason for them being pissy and explains everything.

cornish009 · 12/08/2019 22:50

Did I read it right that MIL has dementia and your dh has borrowed 2k from her?If that is the case then I suspect that's the whole reason for them being pissy and explains everything

I mentioned hat earlier ArthurMorgan and know from my own mum's experience that making reasoned financial decisons was one of the first changes I noticed in her, probably several years before she had a dementia diagnosis and more worrysome symptoms. I remember the very first time I thought my mum wasn't herself, was when she lost or gave away some money, and did not seem concerned about it. When throughout the rest of her life she had her finger on the pulse of any financial decisons. And I know I would have been beyond furious had anyone taken advantage of that and could probably never forgive them. I am not for one moment suggesting the OP' husband has done anything wrong - after all she agreed to a loan before - and my mum would have willingly given or lent any money to anyone that asked. But I wonder if in one of his sibling's minds, they are thinking it could be somewhat unethical to borrow money from someone with dementia. And of course depending on the Power of Attorney issue, could be more serious than that. And obviously whatever stage anyone's dementia, even at the very beginning, before the worse symptoms appear, it means they cannot make the reasoned decisions they once would have made, so perhaps they thought it was not right to ask at that stage in her life.

cornish009 · 12/08/2019 23:02

And even if they do have Power of Attorney, the power to gift MILs money would have to be listed in the Powers, they couldn't just decide for that to be done

Yes, very true TitianaTitsling - in the case of dealing with the finances of somebody with dementia, there are lots of legal issues that need to be followed to the letter as well. And rightly so of course.

Ginger1982 · 12/08/2019 23:29

The money issue sounds awfully dodgy! How could you suspect he borrowed money? Did you just not ask because you didn't want to know?

Sunflowers11 · 12/08/2019 23:33

Well if you scrape the money then take her yourself, perhaps at 14 they thought she would not be interested, unfortunately you cannot change your family!

ChicCroissant · 12/08/2019 23:53

I find it hard to believe that you suspected he had borrowed money but then thought you could 'rustle up' the money for your DD to go to Paris (not to mention the housewarming and festival tickets).

You and your DH seem to be living above your means if this is not the first financial issue you have had, and you did know that you were short of money which makes me think you are the one in denial here OP. I hope it works out for you all.

Motoko · 13/08/2019 00:00

DD's age has nothing to do with it, her step/cousins who went, are the same age. 12-16.

GrouchoMrx · 13/08/2019 00:05

I really hope the OP didn't send a rude text and CONFRONT her SILs.

It would be deeply embarrassing considering the circumstances.

thecatinthetwat · 13/08/2019 00:12

Op, I’m sorry as I couldn’t possibly believe that your dh knew what was going on the whole time and said nothing.

You had a hunch that he did know / was involved. You weren right.

I can’t believe he kept quiet this whole time, with dd so upset. And you frankly making an ass of yourself (with the best of intentions). What a selfish twat. This is truly untrustworthy and very selfish behaviour indeed.

But I get the feeling you’re letting him fully off the hook. Just imagine though what was going through his mind when your dd was beside herself (in all of your descriptions) and he was saving himself.

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