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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

partner being completely bladdered when pregnant

128 replies

Hopex3 · 11/08/2019 10:45

hi all,

I need somewhere to write this down and maybe get some opinions on how to approach the other half wakes up.

so last night we was meant to be having dinner together but he said he was going to pop out to watch football with a few friends first then come back and have dinner around 7 afterwards. I was like okay sure that fine - an hour after I dropped him off he messages saying did I mind getting dinner by myself as he is going to stay out longer but wont be late at all, no later than 9. I wasnt thrilled but said okay however can you please not get too drunk as we are staying at my mums atm, we were meant to be having dinner and an evening together, and I could really do with a reasonable nights sleep tonight. he is very much so like oh of course not it's not even that kind of night I wouldn't be disrespectful at your mums like that bla bla.

he didnt come back until 1 in the morning, he lied about why he was out (said he was waiting for a taxi for hours - my mum lives less than 5 minute walk away from the sports bar him and his friends were at) was so drunk he passed out head to toe in clothes on my mums sofa after this brief encounter strewing kebab meat everywhere. I was not happy lol but thought better for me and baby (I'm nearly 24 weeks) if I just go to bed as clearly wont get any kind of explanation or acknowledgement whilst hes in this state.

he then stumbles up stairs a few hours later maybe half 4/5 in the morning and wakes me up, then proceeds to throw up all over my mums house, saying he will just have to clean it in the morning and says he doesnt want to talk about any of this right now and to let him sleep :/ due to the smell being so horrendous I have had to spend the remainder of my sleep in my 6 year old sisters bed as she was not at home fortunately last night.

I'm awake of course now and still a bit taken aback, not really sure what to think nor what to say when he does eventually wake up?

did your partners behave like this? if so how do you approach this, I'm still quite shocked lol x

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 11:59

sunflowers I've said several times I am prepared to do it by myself?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 12:01

my last responses have been nothing but saying how my daughter comes first, that I'm not staying with him at present and that my mum did it alone so I'm sure I'd be fine if I had to, not sure where you have gotten the impression that I am not prepared to do it by myself from

OP posts:

Zebraaa · 12/08/2019 12:05

Sounds like his friends encouraged him and he got too drunk/sick. Have you never done this in the past? You’re 24 weeks pregnant, the baby isn’t here yet so no harm done in that sense.

It’s just very very disrespectful in your mums house and he should be ashamed, apologise profusely and clean it up.

Sunflowers11 · 12/08/2019 12:10

Keep burying your head @Hopex3
Being offended at our comments is the least of your worry's

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 12:17

sunflowers you just called me out for not putting my child first and quoting that I said I wouldn't do it by myself when at no point did I actually say that, I have done nothing but (unnecessarily) defend myself and say its irrelevant how her father behaves because she will always be put first by me so I'm not sure if you've come on this post to jump on the bandwagon or what but either way its really not needed. I didnt even complain in my original post I said i was shocked, taken aback and was unsure how to approach him about it. I have since had some people including yourself suggest my child will live a life of misery, I am to blame for it and I have no right to complain even though that was not the point of my post. I have taken some distance from him, continue to look forward to meeting my daughter and have taken onboard the points about being alert about this behaviour and how to handle it, but thanks for your input anyway was very helpful

OP posts:

Jeffter · 12/08/2019 12:22

Sunflowers11 what the fuck are you on about? OP has clearly stated she's prepared to go it alone

LittleAndOften · 12/08/2019 12:22

Don't rise to it, OP. @Sunflowers11 is just being goady.

eniledam · 12/08/2019 12:28

@Sunflowers11 You clearly can't read. OP said "however I am prepared to be by myself pregnant or not so I guess only thing I can do is put across how horrendous I have found his recent behaviour and show I'm not prepared to put up with it."

LuvSmallDogs · 12/08/2019 12:41

My sympathy OP, I get what you mean about you growing out of behaviours you once shared.

It's definitely happened with DH and I as well as other couples I know, though for some reason it always seems to be the men who refuse to adapt to the responsibilities of parenthood.

It nearly tore DH and I apart until I made it clear that I was going to pack my bags if the severe financial irresponsibility didn't stop right then.

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 12:44

yeah I'm gonna try not to bite back to any of the harsher comments, I just really dont appreciate being called out for any suggestion that my child wont be put first based on the actions of another person, I saw how strong my mum was and the strength she had to leave my father who was incredibly abusive that's probably why i took sunflower and some of the other comments so personally. thanks again for the kind and helpful comments x

OP posts:

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 12/08/2019 13:39

It's not your fault, some people are just stuck up their arses and obviously have perfect partners. Like I said previously, I have been there (numerous times with ex, the night before our son was just one of the worst) I also came downstairs one morning to give our son his breakfast and found white powder all over my sofa... I took mexand my son straight to my mums. You have to do whats right for you and your baby girl, only you know the answer to that, it may even take time to work it out. Just look after you and your baby and you'll be fine x

Pinkout · 12/08/2019 13:53

Argh, I’d be mortified and furious if my DH did this. Drugs would be a dealbreaker for me full stop but vomiting all over my Mother’s house and not cleaning it up? Jesus, he’d be out. He behaved like an absolute animal, some teenagers are more mature than him.

I think you need to take a break and decide what is best for you and your baby going forward. If he has always behaved this way it doesn’t sound like the baby will change him.

AnnaSteen · 12/08/2019 14:18

@Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav if by perfect partner you mean a partner who doesn’t do drugs or cancels dinner plans with me or get so drunk he vomits everywhere at my parents house or hangs out with guys who do drugs, who can’t go for a few drinks without it turning into a massive session and who need to be told that his behaviorist is unreasonable then yes I have a perfect partner. personally I would consider all of the above the bare minimum of what I would expect from a partner in a relationship!

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 14:43

Anna Steen that is absolutely fine, I'm glad you have not had to put up with that as a behaviour, lucky you - if it makes you feel even more superior and wonderful I really wish my partner hadnt behaved the way he had this weekend too :)

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 12/08/2019 15:04

Oh dear God it's like a shark feeding frenzy smelling blood in the water! Everyone calm down!!!
Good luck OP at your scan and all the big decisions you'll have to make. I'm glad you've got your Mom's support!

AnnaSteen · 12/08/2019 15:16

@Hopex3 partly luck, partly making the decision to build my life with someone who shares my values and whom I can rely on and trust.

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 15:26

Anna Steen please let it go - you have made your point, I have been with my partner for years and we both used to go out drinking etc. (in our twenties) I was questioning and expressing my shock at the behaviour he exhibited this weekend and looking for advice on how to approach it not to get into a debate with you about women having kids with men who are unsuitable. that's fine but I am already 6 months pregnant so it's not particularly helpful nor is it a mindful thing. I hope sincerely you never have any kind of issue with your partner. also does not give people a right to judge how well my child is going to be looked after nor to blame me for another person's actions

OP posts:

NaviSprite · 12/08/2019 15:27

Seriously some PP on this thread need to back off - yet another example of OP being in need and looking for some support and along come the ‘holier than thou’ brigade, criticising the OP rather than making suggestions to, oh I don’t know, help? Or at least show some empathy to a pregnant woman in a difficult situation.

Sorry you’ve had such a rough time @Hopex3 and that the kinder PP have helped in some way and that the vultures haven’t gotten to you too much

FatThor · 12/08/2019 15:37

Can I just say OP, you are dealing with the judgy posters here so eloquently and graciously. You sound like a lovely, level-headed young woman and your little girl is lucky to have you

LuvSmallDogs · 12/08/2019 15:38

AnnaSteen, that's lovely and all, but do you think it's particularly helpful or compassionate to sneer at people who have realised their decisions have put them in a position they don't want to be in and want to change things?

Howdidido · 12/08/2019 16:29

I hope it works out for you. I hope he apologises and it shocks him into realising he has to grow up.
Your DB sounds like an amazing lad!
Well done on your responses. Well done on your sensible attitude.
We all did stupid things when we were young- and some of us grew out of it faster than others. He should be massively and seriously apologising to you & to your brother and be round there with all the cleaning materials in the world to check it's all gone.
If he doesn't see what he's done wrong then there is your problem.
But I'm hoping the best for you and your DDtobe! Hope he realises how lucky he is!

Loopytiles · 12/08/2019 16:58

Suggest focusing on your personal health, financial and housing situation.

Many men step up before or after becoming fathers, but many others don’t. So it’s good that you have the mindset that you may soon be a single parent, and practical planning for that would be sensible. Then if your BF gets his act together, great, and if not you’ll be in an OK position.

Loopytiles · 12/08/2019 17:01

For example I have a friend whose H had and still has alcohol issues, primarily binge drinking. He regularly had big benders during her first pregnancy.

They had three DC. He stopped the major benders and is consistently loving to her and his DC but doesn’t do his fair share of parenting and prioritises work and his hobbies and social life, including heavy boozing. She is a SAHM and he’s a high earner.

SchrodingersUnicorn · 12/08/2019 17:26

I'm really glad your brother's got your back, it sounds like you've got a good family around you if you do decide to go it alone. Good luck!

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 12/08/2019 18:57

Like pp have said, you seem to have handled all this very well. I hope now he's had sometime to himself to think he's realised the error of his ways and apologised x

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