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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner being completely bladdered when pregnant

128 replies

Hopex3 · 11/08/2019 10:45

hi all,

I need somewhere to write this down and maybe get some opinions on how to approach the other half wakes up.

so last night we was meant to be having dinner together but he said he was going to pop out to watch football with a few friends first then come back and have dinner around 7 afterwards. I was like okay sure that fine - an hour after I dropped him off he messages saying did I mind getting dinner by myself as he is going to stay out longer but wont be late at all, no later than 9. I wasnt thrilled but said okay however can you please not get too drunk as we are staying at my mums atm, we were meant to be having dinner and an evening together, and I could really do with a reasonable nights sleep tonight. he is very much so like oh of course not it's not even that kind of night I wouldn't be disrespectful at your mums like that bla bla.

he didnt come back until 1 in the morning, he lied about why he was out (said he was waiting for a taxi for hours - my mum lives less than 5 minute walk away from the sports bar him and his friends were at) was so drunk he passed out head to toe in clothes on my mums sofa after this brief encounter strewing kebab meat everywhere. I was not happy lol but thought better for me and baby (I'm nearly 24 weeks) if I just go to bed as clearly wont get any kind of explanation or acknowledgement whilst hes in this state.

he then stumbles up stairs a few hours later maybe half 4/5 in the morning and wakes me up, then proceeds to throw up all over my mums house, saying he will just have to clean it in the morning and says he doesnt want to talk about any of this right now and to let him sleep :/ due to the smell being so horrendous I have had to spend the remainder of my sleep in my 6 year old sisters bed as she was not at home fortunately last night.

I'm awake of course now and still a bit taken aback, not really sure what to think nor what to say when he does eventually wake up?

did your partners behave like this? if so how do you approach this, I'm still quite shocked lol x

OP posts:
Fizzpopwhizzbang · 11/08/2019 13:18

Has he cleaned up all of his mess yet? He has the chance to redeem himself now - if he's falling over himself to clean everything and apologise to you and make it up to you, and never does this again, then MAYBE you can get past it. Anything less than this and I'd boot him out today and prepare to be a single parent.

He's massively fucked up and this should be a wake-up call for him to get his shit together. Watch him carefully.

Original poster
Hopex3 · 11/08/2019 13:19

he did have a drink before I dont think he did the drugs or if he did not so I would ever see - this only came out recently cos one of his friends let it spill. we lost a baby last year so the only way I felt I could get over it was to try again. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that, I got it in my head that it wouldn't happen again and was incredibly lucky that it did and fairly quickly too x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopex3 · 11/08/2019 13:20

which is some ways is why I'm even more saddened he chose to act like this last night

OP posts:
feelingverylazytoday · 11/08/2019 13:21

Is this a one off, OP, or something he's done before?
If it's a one off I'd probably give him a warning. If it was more than once I'd boot him.
And I'd definitely make him clean it up. My eldest son came in drunk once, threw up all over the landing,and collapsed into bed. I dragged him out and made him clean it up. He didn't do it again, at least not in my house, and I can't see his wife letting him take liberties 😂

RedCowboyBoots · 11/08/2019 13:28

Do yourself a favour, op, kick him to the kerb and don't give the baby his surname. He won't change when the baby is here. I'd also seriously consider consider not putting him on the birth certificate- you can always add him later (easiest way is to go to register the birth on your own without telling him and then say you didn't realise he had to be with you to be on the BC beforehand and say you will add him later).

Antonin · 11/08/2019 13:30

OP I was pleased to read that you feel you can go it alone if need be
I think you need to tell him you will not tolerate this behaviour and

  1. either give him a probationary period to prove he realises his responsibilities and will not do this again, albeit means he must distance himself from these “friends”. Or
  2. Tell him to get out until he can prove he has changed to your satisfaction. Or 3) Just finish with him now. Good luck
Wonkybanana · 11/08/2019 13:34

Why did you choose to have a baby with him?

There's always one.

OP I think what you said about the drug taking is worrying. You only found out because one of his friends let the cat out of the bag - he didn't tell you himself and probably wasn't going to. What was his reaction when the friend let it slip?

See what sort of a mood he's in, and what his behaviour's like, when he's sober but then it needs a very hard chat about what he's done, and how he's going to be in the future. I'd be making it clear this is the last time he does it, he has to choose.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2019 13:38

You let your brother clean up your boyfriend’s mess rather than wake him up? Why?

Given your ages it was irrational to think that you wouldn’t conceive after your sad loss. You made a dubious choice to ttc with someone who seems immature at best.

You suspect that your boyfriend has a history of casual (you think) class A drug use but haven’t got to the bottom of it.

You refer several times to being “cool” about things: that attitude won’t help you to take care of yourself and to be a good parent if it means you ignore major failings in your DC’s father.

What he SAYS (eg being excited about becoming a father) is irrelevant. Just words. How he acts is the important thing.

category12 · 11/08/2019 13:47

You should have got the fucker up to clean up his mess. If you/your brother do it for him, then he hasn't dealt with the consequences of his actions. You spew because you're rat-arsed, you bloody well clean it up.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 11/08/2019 13:56

A good question to ask him would be how he would feel if your expected baby brought a man back to your house and he behaved like your P did last night and this morning.

He should be scrubbing the whole house and not leaving it to your brother
If your DMum and DSis are on holiday I wonder if you are there to stay with a younger brother. What sort of example is this for a young person
You are pregnant you have family around you just now. If he continues like this he is likely to lose his welcome at your family home

AiryFairyMum · 11/08/2019 14:14

Just echoing what a pp said about being very careful about baby's surname and birth certificate. This man doesn't sound like he's ready for parental responsibility yet. Tread very carefully (and read some of the boards to hear the cautionary tales).

iwillkeepthishouseclean · 11/08/2019 14:22

Apart from the drugs I'd just tell you
To tell him to grow up. Ho Walt don't think men's actually get
Being a parent until the baby is born but putting that aside it's your Mams house and he's been very disrespectful.

I'd not be happy about the drugs but then I'm old school.

MsPavlichenko · 11/08/2019 14:22

He is showing you who he is. He is 27 and very unlikely to change. Once you have your DC you'll be in a worse position. Today for example you'd be providing all the child care whilst he slept/ recovered. Plus in your own place you'd be cleaning up his shit.

Justaboy · 11/08/2019 14:49

Problem is with some people they can have a drink and then get offered another and then just another one, all the while the sense that anyone has is draining away and before long. well see where we are now?

Odd really isn't it?, a very potent drug Alchool is very freely avaiable and socially acceptable and look at the results.

Seems he needs a bit of grow the 'eff up edcuation! Some men or boys rather don't either see or want to see their responsibilities on becoming a parent.

See it happening now so far away in our clan:(

Original poster
Hopex3 · 11/08/2019 15:11

I dont for a second condone it and I haven't allowed my brother to clear it up - we are a year apart so he is 23, he done that off his own back and then proceeded to have a chat with whilst I was not in the house.
Loopytiles I'm sorry I disagree there, I think when something you desperately wanted is snatched away from you and the circumstances with which mine happened it's not irrational at all to scare yourself and worry it won't happen for you. age does not always come into it.

I do appreciate the responses though and I am very aware that the behaviour is unacceptable I was just very surprised and unsure of how to even approach it when i first woke up this morning, plus feeling very tired and emotional. the only responses i dont overly appreciate are the questions as why would you try to have a baby with this person etc. I do appreciate everyone has their own opinions but I am nearly 6 months pregnant and this behaviour had not manifested itself before on this level - I used to go out myself I am 24 so alarm bells didnt ring back then x

OP posts:
LakieLady · 11/08/2019 15:19

He's an animal and he won't change. He's been on his best behaviour up to now, but he's showing his true colours. This behaviour is really disrespectful, to you and to your mum.

Bin him off.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2019 15:30

I have experienced pregnancy loss OP, and completely understand the desire to ttc again.

But it sounds like you ignored some negative things about your BF that are now continuing. You can’t afford to keep doing that.

ArtichokeAardvark · 11/08/2019 15:33

That is horrendous. You can take the fact you are pregnant out of the story - I would be hopping mad whether pregnant or not!

MsPavlichenko · 11/08/2019 15:34

Worth having a read about abusive behaviour. It is common for it to first manifest or ramp up during pregnancy/ arrival of DC.

PeoniesarePink · 11/08/2019 15:41

He's got no respect for you OR your family, has he?

Only you can decide if you can put up with that or not.

I'd have turned the hose pipe on him personally and thrown his belongings on top Hmm

madcatladyforever · 11/08/2019 15:41

If you think this might be normal then your standards are the lowest of the low.
He is a pig.

AiryFairyMum · 12/08/2019 09:34

So what happened OP? Did you confront him or kick him out or just leave it to your brother to clean up and have a word?

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 10:03

You were absolutely bonkers to get pregnant by this man (even considering the painful circumstances). For the love of God off-load him and don’t have anymore children with him.

He’s not exactly father of the year material is he??

Original poster
Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 10:09

we are not currently speaking - he is at our home and I am remaining at my mums.

I really would prefer the comments about why/you shouldn't of had a baby with this man to be refrained from though please, I adore my unborn child already and you cannot always see things in advance. we both used to go out as 2 people in our twenties, nothing wrong with that thus there was no red flags so to speak. I clearly grew out of that whereas he clearly has not. I have also said I would be prepared to do it alone. I also think statements like that somehow put some blame onto me as if it is my responsibility he has chosen to behave like this 6 months into the pregnancy. for the comments that have touched upon how out of order it was though thank you - it's put it into perspective just how outrageous it really was as his friends/brother etc. have been contacting me since asking why I have reacted the way I have ahh I guess that would be the attitudes of young men who dont have responsibilities Confused

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 12/08/2019 10:20

I wouldn’t be able to get over the drugs thing! How can you trust him to not do them again when your baby is here.

If you should have had a baby with this man is also quite irrelevant in this instance as you are not going to think ‘oh MN people disapprove, let’s just get rid of this baby because his dad has been a dick’

I think you need to decide if this is your limit or not. It would be totally wrong in your own house but to treat someone else’s house like this is beyond disrespectful to you and your family. Your brother cleaned up after him which is pretty grim... this will get back to your mum too as it rightly should.

People rightly or wrongly make mistakes when they have been drinking, they push beyond what is sensible but mixing drugs into it is completely stupid. If you do stay with him how do you get past this? You can’t really ban an adult from meeting up with his mates as he can just do it anyway. You need to have a conversation with him I think and then go from there.

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