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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

partner being completely bladdered when pregnant

128 replies

Hopex3 · 11/08/2019 10:45

hi all,

I need somewhere to write this down and maybe get some opinions on how to approach the other half wakes up.

so last night we was meant to be having dinner together but he said he was going to pop out to watch football with a few friends first then come back and have dinner around 7 afterwards. I was like okay sure that fine - an hour after I dropped him off he messages saying did I mind getting dinner by myself as he is going to stay out longer but wont be late at all, no later than 9. I wasnt thrilled but said okay however can you please not get too drunk as we are staying at my mums atm, we were meant to be having dinner and an evening together, and I could really do with a reasonable nights sleep tonight. he is very much so like oh of course not it's not even that kind of night I wouldn't be disrespectful at your mums like that bla bla.

he didnt come back until 1 in the morning, he lied about why he was out (said he was waiting for a taxi for hours - my mum lives less than 5 minute walk away from the sports bar him and his friends were at) was so drunk he passed out head to toe in clothes on my mums sofa after this brief encounter strewing kebab meat everywhere. I was not happy lol but thought better for me and baby (I'm nearly 24 weeks) if I just go to bed as clearly wont get any kind of explanation or acknowledgement whilst hes in this state.

he then stumbles up stairs a few hours later maybe half 4/5 in the morning and wakes me up, then proceeds to throw up all over my mums house, saying he will just have to clean it in the morning and says he doesnt want to talk about any of this right now and to let him sleep :/ due to the smell being so horrendous I have had to spend the remainder of my sleep in my 6 year old sisters bed as she was not at home fortunately last night.

I'm awake of course now and still a bit taken aback, not really sure what to think nor what to say when he does eventually wake up?

did your partners behave like this? if so how do you approach this, I'm still quite shocked lol x

OP posts:

AnnaSteen · 12/08/2019 10:25

Another day on Mumsnet - another post about a woman actively getting pregnant with a waste of space and then being surprised when things go badly.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/08/2019 10:41

As a mother of a son, I would be so ashamed of him if he behaved like this, especially when in someone else's home and when he is soon to become a dad.

AiryFairyMum · 12/08/2019 10:43

Does he think his behaviour was acceptable?

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 10:50

Do yourself and your baby a favour and get shut. He won’t change, you’ll be one of those women on MN posting about their abusive, drunk, selfish husband and how you are stuck with no money and 2/3/4 children if you’re not careful.

Wake up to what he really is.

StupidlittlepricknamedRick · 12/08/2019 10:59

*AnnaSteen

Another day on Mumsnet - another post about a woman actively getting pregnant with a waste of space and then being surprised when things go badly*

But we're not allowed to say that because it isn't what they want to hear.
I'm glad you are prepared to do it alone OP because you most likely will be. He will probably not pay maintenance because he will have spent it on drugs and drinking.
And so the cycle of misery continues and is inflicted on a poor child.

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 11:15

I actually think some of the more recent comments are absolutely disgraceful - I was already saddened by my partners actions and I have already stated I did not know about the drugs thing until one of his friends let slip. we BOTH used to go out and enjoy a couple of drinks, again not to this level, I have not seen this level of behaviour in my life so please do not come on here and say such unhelpful things - shall I not keep my baby then because her father has decided to behave in such an awful way? if people are coming on here to start a debate about us awful woman who are choosing to have babies with awful men then please take it elsewhere as like I previously said it makes it sound as if you're blaming the woman. really not on

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 11:18

and to imply my child will have a life of misery - I grew up with a single mum and was looked after wonderfully. not sure why my post has turned into an attack on women choosing to have children with such men. I have already stated this is the first time I had seen him in such a way, life isn't always completely rosy and not everyone gets the perfect life and family, so unhelpful to try and dig me out over why the father is behaving like this

OP posts:

StupidlittlepricknamedRick · 12/08/2019 11:21

Who else is to blame though? Say in a year or two you start posting in despair of your partner who is an utterly useless father, yet you actively chose to have a baby with him? Yep. You.
I would never blame a woman if she was pregnant not by her own choice or already had a baby and the father suddenly turned into a dick but why shouldn't a woman be blamed for choosing the situation.
I hope he changes and becomes a decent human being, really. But you have nobody else to blame if he doesn't and no right to complain about it. His true colours are there for you to see.

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 11:25

I'm sorry but you are blaming me for the actions of the father that had previously never manifested itself. hang on, you wouldn't blame the women if they already had a baby? do I not already have a baby even though shes not been born yet considering I'm 6 months pregnant and this behaviour has not been seen before? please do not come on my post as previously stated to start a debate about why people should/shouldn't have children, how awful you feel it necessary to blame the women for mens actions

OP posts:

AnnaSteen · 12/08/2019 11:26

Of course you are not to blame @Hopex3 there were no signs at all that he wasn’t a suitable partner to have a baby with as quickly as possible...

“he lied to me about why he was out and had done drugs so. unfortunately not a one off”

“this particular group of mates unfortunately yes they dont seem to be able to go for a drink without it turning into paraletic and drugs etc. “

“it is definitley the worst hes ever been since I've been pregnant,

Penguincity · 12/08/2019 11:27

I was going to say, your BF should be able to have a drink unless near due date. But goodness sake, his behaviour is awful and at your mother's! He should be mortified. Be prepared to have to go it alone, I put up with rubbish like that until ds was about a year, got rid, he carried on and eventually killed himself with his behaviour

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 11:28

you seem to have taken my post quite personally and yeah you're right had he been behaving like this before hand then your point may have held up but in this situation it doesnt. he was vile the weekend just gone, I was very upset by it and needed a place to write it down because I was shocked and sad, I do not need someone like you pushing their let's continue to blame women for mens actions agenda

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 11:30

again annasteen his friends were doing that, I didn't find out he was until a few weeks ago - once again though let's continue to push that women are responsible for mens behaviour, that's not damaging at all is it

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 11:32

and yes his group of mates not necessarily him, I don't really have a right to tell him not to see them especially before I was even pregnant. absolutely unbelievable

OP posts:

LittleAndOften · 12/08/2019 11:38

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, it's human nature to look for the best in the people we are close to, and minimise the bad behaviour.
Hopefully this episode has shown him in his true light and you can see that he can't be trusted to be either a decent partner or father. His lack of awareness today, and that of his peers, speaks volumes.
I think you know what you need to do, as hard as it seems. And if you do take him back, just remember you can't be surprised if he continues to take the piss going forward, as taking him back implicitly means you'll accept his shit.
Good luck to you and your daughter. Put yourselves first. Maybe one day he'll realise what a twat he is and become worthy of you both.

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 11:41

thank you LittleAndOften - I will definitely put her first, I wasnt even starting this post necessarily to complain I was so shocked and hormones all over the place it made me feel very upset I just wanted to write it down just because I found it so unbelievable. I am staying at my mums for now hopefully there will be some kind of wake up call for him as he is alone at ours now and if not I'm sure I'll be okay on my own, my mum was alone and yes its not ideal but she did just fine :) ❤

OP posts:

LittleAndOften · 12/08/2019 11:44

I'm 27 weeks and can empathise with that! Also the self-doubt, especially when the other person twists things. Stick to your guns and what you know to be the difference between decent and unacceptable behaviour, and you'll be fine

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 12/08/2019 11:46

Christ, what a lot of unhelpful comments. Hey OP, why don't you jump in a time machine and not get pregnant by this guy because of his behaviour last night?

Some people on here just love to be judgemental and don't understand how fucking thick and pompous they sound. OP is pregnant, it's happened. She isn't looking for a lecture on things she can't change, she was asking for advice on where to go from here.

dollydaydream114 · 12/08/2019 11:48

OP, please ignore the sneering arseholes who are having a go at you.

You're pregnant with a baby you desperately wanted - so the first thing I want to say is congratulations! You'll be an amazing mum.

Your partner's behaviour is totally unacceptable, and would be unacceptable whether you were pregnant or not. He promised to have dinner with you, then changed his mind, he lied to you about what he was doing when he said it would be a quiet night, and he didn't respect the fact that he was in someone else's house.

I think you have to ask yourself whether this is part of a pattern of behaviour or whether it was a one-off. It sounds as if he is quite easily led, and that you are the smarter one in this relationship. I think you have to have a very serious talk with him about his behaviour, ask him how he truly feels about being a dad, and also to explain to him that you will absolutely not be putting up with this sort of behaviour ever, ever again. And stick to your word.

FatThor · 12/08/2019 11:48

Oh FFS this thread has had some ridiculous responses! How hysterical?

OP you know your partner acted like an absolute idiot, people do sometimes. It's not cool but it's hardly abnormal for a young person to overdo it a bit. It certainly doesn't mean that person is unfit to be a parent or is vile or any of the other hyperbolic shit being thrown around. His behaviour was disgusting but only you know if he is likely to do this regularly, nobody on here does.

Good luck with it all anyway, I think having some space from each other is a good move - it may kick his arse into thinking about what he has got to lose

Passthecherrycoke · 12/08/2019 11:50

“we both used to go out as 2 people in our twenties, nothing wrong with that thus there was no red flags so to speak. I clearly grew out of that whereas he clearly has not.”

I can understand this actually. I did some bonkers things when pissed in my 20s- some were absolutely unkind to others and I vommed on my own bedroom floor many times, as did H.

You growing out of it won’t really trigger him growing out of it I guess (although you’d hope, in the context of a new baby, he’d be trying at least)

It sounds like an awful night OP and the least thing you need at 6m pregnant

GrapefruitGin · 12/08/2019 11:51

I do feel like you’re getting a hard time here OP. However I can see both sides. If my OH behaved like that during my pregnancy I wouldn’t be able to forgive however I know my OH very well and it would be very out of character for him to do something like that. It doesn’t sound like you’re very surprised by your OH actions which is perhaps why you’re getting a hard time. You say you didn’t know about the drugs but I find it hard to believe that, sorry. I think you either were naive or you tried to block it out as you desperately didn’t want him to be ‘that’ person.

Sunflowers11 · 12/08/2019 11:53

You are not prepared to by by yourself?
So your happy to stay with a tosser who drinks himself stupid, takes drugs, lies, takes the piss out of your mum, all because your can't put your baby first because you are "not prepared" to be by yourself?????!!

Passthecherrycoke · 12/08/2019 11:54

Oh shut up sunflowers. She doesn’t need to justify herself to a total stranger who doesn’t know her or her husband from Adam

Original poster

Hopex3 · 12/08/2019 11:58

thank you - I am taking my time atm and just going to focus on the baby for now, I have my 25 weeks appointment this week and am looking forward to hopefully hearing her heartbeat and being told things are continuing to go well 🤞 if anything some of the nastier responses have put it even more into perspective how much his behaviour is on him and all that matters is this little girl - I wont take responsibility for him but I will for her I really hope it wouldn't happen again but I've distanced myself for now, I dont think there is a whole load more I can do atm x

OP posts:

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