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Original poster

Should I tell someone what I saw?

119 replies

Wetwashing00 · 11/08/2019 08:36

Do you ever meet someone and instantly feel creeped out?
This has happened at a function last night.
The man I met is married to my friends Aunt, he seemed all very normal until later in the night once he’d had a few.
He was hanging out with the kids a lot, swinging them around the dance floor & chasing them.
Everyone seemed to think it was hilarious and he was great with them.
I saw a young girl on his lap during the night, she was maybe 7 yrs old.
She was struggling to get off and he was holding her hard onto him so she couldn’t get away.
I felt weird, it looked pervy.

Immediately after she got off and ran away, I noticed his hand was around my sons shoulder and he was stroking his ear lobe.
I was crouched in front of my son whilst he was holding a baby.
I pulled his hand and flung it off.
I never said anything to him and I didn’t look at him, I just took my son away.
My partner was sitting at the next table, he got up and came over. He had been watching and said the man had been doing things like that to most of the kids all night and he felt uneasy.

I looked at this man and he appeared to be upset and was ‘explaining gestures’ to his wife. I think she suggested he’d had enough and he should leave which he did.
Should I say anything to someone?
My friend?
The host?
Or just leave it all?
I probably won’t ever see him again.
But I have been overthinking a lot, his wife runs a children’s nursery

OP posts:
Dandelion5 · 11/08/2019 08:39

Definitely odd. The problem is, I’m not sure what you could actually say to anybody! Or “report”. He’s been creepy, but nothing illegal (as far as you know). What you COULD do is one of those anonymous “intelligence” reports to the police, where they don’t pursue it and nobody knows you’ve done it. They only use them if he is suspected of a crime in the future.

ihatethecold · 11/08/2019 08:40

That is not normal adult behaviour.
His boundaries are off

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 11/08/2019 08:40

I don't think you can say anything. He didn't actually do anything wrong, did he?

Ponoka7 · 11/08/2019 08:42

Ypu should have intervened and so should your DH when you saw the girl struggling to get off his lap.

Why did you do nothing, there and then to protect the children?

I don't see what good saying anything will do, unless you don't mind possibly losing the friendship.

If i could say something whilst chatting about the party, i would. But i would have addressed it there and then.

Ponoka7 · 11/08/2019 08:44

"What you COULD do is one of those anonymous “intelligence” reports to the police, where they don’t pursue it and nobody knows you’ve done it."

She will be asked why she said nothing when her own son was part of what she suspects the man of.

Really strange that her DP didn't react, or any of the other men.

WarmSunBlueSkies · 11/08/2019 08:44

Yes. Tell your friend. Tell the host. Most importantly, tell the parents of the 7 year old girl. Or tell someone who will tell her parents.

Hiding in plain sight - the MO of the perv. Nasty old perv in our family, in the 70s, an uncle married to an aunt. My mum called him out and ss a

slipperywhensparticus · 11/08/2019 08:45

By experience no one will believe you and will blame you for being sick in the head maybe there is somewhere you can make an anonymous report?

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 11/08/2019 08:46

Trust your instinct, you did absolutely the right thing.

But there's nothing to report, he hasn't actually done anything illegal, even though he openly pushed boundaries in front of people.

WarmSunBlueSkies · 11/08/2019 08:47

Oops. He did that making girls sit on his lap thing. We never saw them again. Took 20 years to come out as many people 'didn't want to make a fuss'. Please say something. Whatever he is or isn't, no one should ever be made to have close physical contact with someone else. Ever. Even if its 'only' sitting on their knee.

dragonflyflew · 11/08/2019 08:48

Flag it up with the police. It might be nothing, he might also already be a registered sex offender. Your info might help build on existing intel. Nothing to lose.

Happyspud · 11/08/2019 08:54

Stroking your son, holding another small girl on his lap when she was fighting to get away. You can say that. And I wouldn’t say something weak and socially expected ‘I’m not saying anything but....’, Id say ‘I was there and I saw. It was not normal interactions. I’m worried and feel people need to be aware’.

StripeySocks29 · 11/08/2019 08:57

As his wife runs a nursery I would be inclined to tell the police what you saw, not necessarily so they can investigate but just so if anything else comes up it will be on record. I don’t think they’ll ask why you didn’t say anything in the moment as people often don’t know what to do in these situations. If you check your local police website there will probably be an email address, just tell them what you saw and leave it up to them what to do with the information.

DerelictWreck · 11/08/2019 08:59

Really strange that her DP didn't react, or any of the other men

What a weird comment. Would't occur to me that only men should notice and react to these things?

Mileysmiley · 11/08/2019 09:04

You must tell someone just in case he is an abuser, you could be saving an innocent child.

Jaxinthebox · 11/08/2019 09:04

Ive had 'that gut feeling' a few times in life - and it has never been wrong.

Please report, just incase.

dorisdog · 11/08/2019 09:08

Yes, I'd tell someone. The host, parent of the girl who was struggling.

I reckon just very clearly describing what you saw. People can make up their own minds then. 'xxx had a 7 yr old girl on his lap who was struggling to get away away. xxx was touching xxxx boys earlobe repeatedly. It worried me.' Factual, let's ppl know you felt uncomfortable at the time. You don't need to infer or excuse. You could flag it up with the police. I'm guessing they'll make a note of it.

SirJamesTalbot · 11/08/2019 09:11

Please report it, your report could be the last piece in the puzzle to stop avuse happening. If you flag it up, then it can be investigated. If you don't, then it can't be.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 11/08/2019 09:13

I didn’t feel it was my place to get the girl off his lap, her parents were right there and he seemed to know them well.
This was all done openly in front everyone.

I don’t even know his name, or where he lives. I’d have to ask either my friend or the host questions before I’d even have enough information to give over.

I think I will speak to the host first as she doesn’t seem to know him that well, so she wouldn’t be that offended by what I say.
But I am worried my friend will brush it over, especially if he has been in her family for a while.

OP posts:
littlecabbage · 11/08/2019 09:14

I would say something to your friend. It would be interesting to hear what she thinks of him. I don't suppose you know which nursery the aunt works at? If you did, I would send them an anonymous letter. They wouldn't be able to take any action, but they could be on their guard.

What you saw is not normal and ypu shouldn't feel bad for speaking up about it. Your partner will back you up, won't he? If your actions could protect a child from abuse, you should speak up.

dragonflyflew · 11/08/2019 09:16

Please don’t tell the host, they might know and not care or be too busy post wedding to bother about it. MNy people think highlighting this stuff is over reacting, people don’t like fuss which is partly why people have been able to continue abusing for so long. go straight to your police. They have a public protection unit or which might get the info logged better than 101 but if his name is already in the system it will be seen at some point by the right people

littlecabbage · 11/08/2019 09:16

Having read your update, I woukd definitely speak to the host. And then if you get his name, contact police.

dragonflyflew · 11/08/2019 09:17

SEEn update just casually ask which nursery she runs or something

Lazydaisies · 11/08/2019 09:19

The book the gift of fear explains these instinct driven responses really well. I would tell people what you saw. As another poster said, tell the facts, let them speak for themselves and don’t reign it back with I am not saying anything...... His behaviour as described was inappropriate. If people decide differently then their boundaries are off not yours.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 11/08/2019 09:23

God it’s 9:22am, shall I call the host now?

OP posts:
Lazydaisies · 11/08/2019 09:28

No wet think about what you are going to say, plan it, write it down and do not be shocked by any responses you get. You could get anything back to you in my experience. I would speak to the police because there may be a pattern of behaviour already emerging.

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