Should I tell someone what I saw?

[Wetwashing00]

Do you ever meet someone and instantly feel creeped out?
This has happened at a function last night.
The man I met is married to my friends Aunt, he seemed all very normal until later in the night once he’d had a few.
He was hanging out with the kids a lot, swinging them around the dance floor & chasing them.
Everyone seemed to think it was hilarious and he was great with them.
I saw a young girl on his lap during the night, she was maybe 7 yrs old.
She was struggling to get off and he was holding her hard onto him so she couldn’t get away.
I felt weird, it looked pervy.

Immediately after she got off and ran away, I noticed his hand was around my sons shoulder and he was stroking his ear lobe.
I was crouched in front of my son whilst he was holding a baby.
I pulled his hand and flung it off.
I never said anything to him and I didn’t look at him, I just took my son away.
My partner was sitting at the next table, he got up and came over. He had been watching and said the man had been doing things like that to most of the kids all night and he felt uneasy.

I looked at this man and he appeared to be upset and was ‘explaining gestures’ to his wife. I think she suggested he’d had enough and he should leave which he did.
Should I say anything to someone?
My friend?
The host?
Or just leave it all?
I probably won’t ever see him again.
But I have been overthinking a lot, his wife runs a children’s nursery

Yes the girl on his lap is his granddaughter. Which I didn’t know at the time.
The whole ‘on the lap’ thing could’ve been just horseplay after all the chasing & spinning on the dance floor. As I said, her parents were there it was all in front of everyone and no one seemed bothered. They all seemed used to his behaviour.

Although the ear lobe stroking of my son was quite concealed.
His arm was outstretched, lots of flowers/glasses on the table.
It’s only because I was facing my son that I noticed a hand stroking his ear.

My friend called me to discuss it as the host had called her to tell her what I said.
My friend sounded concerned, but not defensive. Even though she said he has always been touchy feely, I can imagine her saying it in a disgusted way.
She has said she will tell her mum and possibly her aunt.
I don’t think the aunt should know, but then again I do as she runs a nursery. It could put her business in jeopardy if it comes out that he pushes boundaries with children.

As for the poster that wanted to throw a different scenario to the mix. It’s not relevant, nothing like this incident. He’s not a teacher, he wasn’t consoling anyone, he was just being a creep

It's good you've reported it.

Well done OP for reporting you've definitely done the right thing.

Why did your DH sit and watch him touch up kids all night?

He should have called it out when he saw it, as should you.

Why did your DH sit and watch him touch up kids all night?

That's not what happened.

He should have called it out when he saw it, as should you.

The OP is not at fault here. The OP is concerned and wants to ensure the safety of children.

I'm hookah you have reported it.

The thing about safeguarding is that toy should always report it If it makes your feel uncomfortable or if you're nor sure if it's a safeguarding problem, or if you personally should report it, you should always report it . It's not your job or responsibility to decide if he is guilty and of what or what will happen next - that's the safeguarding team's job. Your job is to report your concerns. You did that. Thank you.

@ElizaDee probably because it’s not illegal, and the only boundary crossed was the ear touching of my son which was stopped by myself as my DH was getting up from his seat.

What kind of touching up do you think was taking place?
If he was with his pants down with a kid obviously there would’ve been a much bigger reaction.

Also, everyone was drinking. Adding confrontations to that wouldn’t have ended well.

The fact he was openly doing it in front of people is neither here nor there.

I know someone who ended up in prison for many years for paedophilia. There were two large trials with 75 charges brought against him. The abuse covered decades.

One reason it wasn't stopped earlier was because he was, in some ways, very open about it. He would kiss one young girl on the lips in front of people, including her parents. People couldn't understand that it could be wrong if he could be so brazen about it.

I'm glad you'rve reported it. It might be innocent. It might not.

I think you were right to report this, it's because people turned a blind eye at this type of behaviour that so many perverts got away with abusing children for so long.

What does make me sad though is that there are genuinly nice guys who love playing with kids who are now looked on suspiciously.
I know someone in their 60's who has worked with children all their working life. He would play with kids at any family parties, dance with them etc however he would never restrain even his own granddaughter on his knee. If she was say on his knee it would have been prompted by her. The slightest movement from her and he would put her down/think she wanted down. He would never have rubbed your sons ear especially secretly, he may though have ruffled his hair if he had spoken to him.
He now feels like he can't act like this which is sad.
I suppose what I'm saying is that people have to use their common sense. Not everyone who is tactile is a pervert but people should trust their gut feeling and judge each situation separately.

Glad you did end up saying something. He could be innocent. Or a pervert.

Either way he certainly sounds like a 'Missing stair'

pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html

((((Madd Hugs))))🌺

"What you COULD do is one of those anonymous “intelligence” reports to the police, where they don’t pursue it and nobody knows you’ve done it."

Spotted this comment ^^ up the thread.

So what's to stop me reporting absolutely anyone? several times? different phones? creating an imaginary case against them?

I really do have issues with some of the comments given about as advice on this forum sometimes - at best its dangerous

What an odd comment. Of course malicious people make vexatious complaints, but the police still have a system in place where you can report anonymously if you cant use your real name.
In this case, OP is not making a vexatious complaint.

@TheMaddHugger that’s an interesting article. I completely agree with this.

@IAskTooManyQuestions the truth is there isn’t anything anyone can do about someone repeatedly reporting, making up scenarios, or trying to build an imaginary case.
But there are professionals trained to pick up on rumours/malicious reporting.
If the person is truly innocent there would be no harm done by the police looking him up or running a search on his name. He would never know.
Even if he doesn’t rape his granddaughters, he still made me feel uneasy about caressing my sons ear lobe.
Which crosses a boundary with an unknown child, it’s weird contact to display. And an unnatural touch to apply to a strangers child.

If he is harmless and it was all innocent he needs to understand that it was not appropriate

You've absolutely done the right thing OP. You reporting what you saw does not land him in jail (or ruin his wife's career as a PP suggested). But it means those around him, and the police, will watch him more closely.

The safety of children is paramount here. Well done for doing something slightly awkward for a very important reason.

Judge your next move by your own thoughts.

Eg. Are you someone who always sees what could be non innocent behaviour in adults towards children?

I'm thinking not.

I'm thinking this was way off what you'd usually see and your own thought processes scared you (eg are you witnessing a possible abuser?) - and it's that you genuinely feel something was off that is making you question yourself (if that makes sense?)

Speak to host. But make it clear you w never felt the hairs stuns up on your neck like this before and that's why you are saying something.

Sorry for some reason I missed a page!

Well done on speaking up.

Think you have done the right thing x

You see something you say something. You shielded you child now help others.

I'd also make a complaint to the police, they may not do anything now but when he goes to far, and he will, someone might just connect the dots. Ignore the legion of perv protectors, both women and men pretending to be women, on here who come out like clockwork to stigmatise everyone who raises these issues.

MaintainTheMolehill

I agree with you mostly except I don't think that good men are hindered from playing with kids by our greater societal awareness of paedophiles and how they operate in plain sight..

Good men never force children to sit on their laps, they don't stroke a child's earlobe or any other body part, and their wives etc aren't rushing them out the room as soon as they get 'caught' because she's seen this pervy conduct before.

Good honest men can and do charge around with kids all day long at weddings etc, playing star wars or whatever, and they'd be the first to never cross the line between playing with a kid and 'putting your hands' on that child.

He's an abuser and grooms kids.
This is how they desensitise and manipulate everyone around them to 'not see' the abuse and grooming.
As an adult YOU are finding it weird and difficult to express why you feel it's so wrong and getting the caregiver to believe you.
Imagine how hard it is for a child to process - let alone express.

The result is that the child knows it feels wrong, yet the adults around them tell them it's 'normal' or that they are 'exaggerating'.
So the child has no one they can speak to or trust to validate their feelings.
They are forced to ignore their gut feelings and begin to desensitize.

The child feels powerless to stop the abuser, they either do their best to get away/avoid the person when it's possible (like the 7 yr old), and when it isn't possible - trapped alone, physically restrained etc, the brain has to find a way for the person to survive that moment/experience, to reduce the trauma, so it disassociates.

When the abuse gets worse and in some cases sexual, the child is less likely to speak up about it - either cos they've come to believe it's normal or cos they think no one will believe them - they didn't about the 'squeezing and touching', they were punished for lying, they were labelled a trouble causer or attention seeker.

I'm so glad - and so proud - that you have reported it.
This is child abuse (molestation isn't always sexual).
I would advise that you - and the others - speak with NSPCC and other child abuse agencies so they can clarify any confusion and advise you all on how to handle this in a sensitive manner/give you strategies.

If the abuser's wife doesn't get her head out of the cognitive dissonance/denial she's in and do something to protect her dc/alert others, then i can guarantee that children will continue to be molested and abused by this pathetic apology of a man.

@IAskTooManyQuestions

"What you COULD do is one of those anonymous “intelligence” reports to the police, where they don’t pursue it and nobody knows you’ve done it."

Spotted this comment up the thread.

So what's to stop me reporting absolutely anyone? several times? different phones? creating an imaginary case against them?

I really do have issues with some of the comments given about asadviceon this forum sometimes - at best its dangerous

For goodness sake yours is the dangerous advice.

For starters nobody here is making a malicious call.

Secondly, nobody would get arrested/charged/imprisoned on the basis of telephone reports alone, no matter how many of them there are.

People should be encouraged to report safeguarding concerns. Report - that's all. It's then in a professional's hands to deal with.

Thank you, OP, for reporting this.

I was abused by my grandfather, and while the most serious abuse took place away from others, when I was younger he used to sit me on his knee and stroke my legs while my parents and others were in the same room.

Too many people simply don’t want to see what is happening right in front of them. They can’t or won’t see, but you saw and you acted. Good for you!

Explain to who exactly? What has he done that is illegal?