Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell someone what I saw?

119 replies

Wetwashing00 · 11/08/2019 08:36

Do you ever meet someone and instantly feel creeped out?
This has happened at a function last night.
The man I met is married to my friends Aunt, he seemed all very normal until later in the night once he’d had a few.
He was hanging out with the kids a lot, swinging them around the dance floor & chasing them.
Everyone seemed to think it was hilarious and he was great with them.
I saw a young girl on his lap during the night, she was maybe 7 yrs old.
She was struggling to get off and he was holding her hard onto him so she couldn’t get away.
I felt weird, it looked pervy.

Immediately after she got off and ran away, I noticed his hand was around my sons shoulder and he was stroking his ear lobe.
I was crouched in front of my son whilst he was holding a baby.
I pulled his hand and flung it off.
I never said anything to him and I didn’t look at him, I just took my son away.
My partner was sitting at the next table, he got up and came over. He had been watching and said the man had been doing things like that to most of the kids all night and he felt uneasy.

I looked at this man and he appeared to be upset and was ‘explaining gestures’ to his wife. I think she suggested he’d had enough and he should leave which he did.
Should I say anything to someone?
My friend?
The host?
Or just leave it all?
I probably won’t ever see him again.
But I have been overthinking a lot, his wife runs a children’s nursery

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 11/08/2019 11:27

Flag it @Wetwashing00. It may just be horseplay with his own kids or grandkids, but stroking your son's earlobe? A child he doesn't know?

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 11/08/2019 11:29

Yes shawshanks...
police friend said to focus on the ear lobe stroking.
Weird boundary crossing with a kid he doesn’t know

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 11/08/2019 11:35

I think you should definitely report your worries anonymously- he may be on radar for all you know and the way his wife reacted says a lot.
Forcing the young girl to stay on his lap was very odd!
If you don’t say something you’ll regret it as you’ll think about it all the time. Get it off your chest.
He may need investigating.
If he’s innocent then no harm done, as he may just be watched in future by your friend from now on.

TheInebriati · 11/08/2019 11:40

He's not innocent. No one who is innocent behaves like that. He's teaching the adults to accept his behaviour and teaching the children the adults won't intervene or say anything.

Ffs people, speak out if you see that. Ask the girl 'would you like to come and get a drink'. Offer her a chance to say she wants to leave with you. And yes, report him.

theWarOnPeace · 11/08/2019 11:50

Things like this make me shudder. Well done OP for not leaving it, go as far and wide as you can with what you’ve seen. As PP said, and I’m always saying to people, child protection is everybody’s business.

DC3dilemma · 11/08/2019 12:00

I speak the the police and local child protection team regularly about child abuse matters; I wouldn’t hesitate in reporting my concerns about this. They will check if there are any other complaints, they may even chat to him about it, the information will be store so one day if someone does report abuse there will be further evidence to support their case (imagine how invaluable this would be to you as a victim). This is all really important.

Too many of us feel we need to investigate, know more, see more when really all we need to do is report our concerns and let the police do their job.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 11/08/2019 12:10

It’s all reported to 101.
My friend has called (the host called her) and said he has always been ‘like that’ around kids.

None of them know that I’ve logged it with police

OP posts:
dragonflyflew · 11/08/2019 12:14

@DC3dilemma agreed.

Benjispruce · 11/08/2019 12:21

That’s how they get away with it.

Antonin · 11/08/2019 12:21

What a great defence — I’ve always been like that, it’s just my way, it doesn’t mean anything, I just love kids.
Yes, just like racist and sexist remarks etc are just “banter”

Lou898 · 11/08/2019 12:26

If it made you feel uncomfortable then that means it was inappropriate. He looks like he is getting away with his inappropriate behaviour because people are passing it off as he’s always like that. That doesn’t mean it’s right. It’s probably taken someone whose not close to notice and say something. Most children who are abused are not done so by total strangers, it’s often relatives or close family friends because there behaviour is overlooked. I think you have done the right thing. Safeguarding children is everybody’s business and you would be racked with guilt if in the future he did something and you’d not reported your concerns. If nothing comes of it, you’ve done your part. However if you ever come across him again and see something inappropriate please do not hesitate to report again, even if the previous report did not amount to anything. There just might not have been enough evidence. It’s all about building a picture....yours could be the last piece.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 11/08/2019 12:27

Such a shame how times have changed. When I was very small (7/8) I used to get quite upset at school and many times the headmaster would take me on his knee to comfort me - absolutely innocent - he never did anything inappropriate - just comforted me. How sad they this could never happen these days.

funnylittlefloozie · 11/08/2019 12:30

Thats interesting that your friend called you. Maybe a few people felt uncomfortable watching him, maybe a few people saw something you didn't, and maybe someone who has known him a long time has had their eyes opened. You don't know, and you can't know, but you tell the authorities, and let them put the pieces together.

theWarOnPeace · 11/08/2019 12:31

MilkTrayLimeBarrel

But he let you go when you wanted to get off, and didn’t tenderly stroke your ear? There’s a difference between acceptable and inappropriate behaviour. What OP saw was inappropriate.

bouncingraindrops · 11/08/2019 12:37

Such a shame how times have changed. When I was very small (7/8) I used to get quite upset at school and many times the headmaster would take me on his knee to comfort me - absolutely innocent - he never did anything inappropriate - just comforted me.

This is nothing like what happened in the OP though.

ClownTent · 11/08/2019 12:40

MilkTray I was a teacher up until a few years ago in an infants school. Without fail, if a child needed comfort, I and all the other staff gave it, in the form of sitting on our knees, a hand hold, a cuddle... appropriate physical contact in an appropriate context with consent is never a problem.

Touching children you don't know and hiding behind a jovial uncle attitude is the thin edge of the wedge. I teach my 3 year old and will continue to teach my 3 year old that people do not have the right to touch each other just because it is 'their way.'

Well done OP.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 11/08/2019 12:45

I am not disagreeing with OP - just adding something else into the mix. I agree there are many, many weird people around!

ProfessorofPerspective · 11/08/2019 12:45

Some years ago, there was a man on the edge of a school/church social circle who made me feel really uncomfortable around children. He was always offering to babysit for me and I barely knew him and he seemed inappropriately with younger teenagers, lots of outings and gifts etc.
We were at a mutual friend's summer party and he offered to change my 4 year old into his swimming trunks for the paddling pool. This really creeped me out.
I phoned social services and outlined my concerns around his behaviour. They felt it appropriate that I called though I had no evidence of anything illegal.
I moved some time afterwards, nothing ever came to light so I may have been overreacting and I certainly didn't act from malice but I am glad I did what I did.

31RueCambon · 11/08/2019 12:46

I think you have done the right thing OP, and I don't blame you for being frozen as you watched it unfold before your eyes. How does a person know before they've processed the full scene that it was inappropriate. Difficult situation to be in.

admission · 11/08/2019 12:48

It is important that you have reported this behaviour. Whilst excuses about it being just how this person is can be made for their behaviour in a family situation , there is a much wider dimension here and that is that he would appear to potentially have access to all the children at his wife's nursery. At that point it does become a much more potentially serious concern and you have done the right thing in making a report.
In infant age situations like nurseries there is a legal requirement for the owner / manager to ensure that nobody working at the nursery has anybody in their family with convictions around safeguarding / child protection. This is in place because of the number of incidents in the past where a relative has been allowed to "be like that" and it has subsequently led to prosecutions. So good on you for following you instinct over this person and hopefully it will ensure nothing worse happens in the future.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 11/08/2019 12:51

Tell your friend. Tell the host. Most importantly, tell the parents of the 7 year old girl. Or tell someone who will tell her parents.

This.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 11/08/2019 12:59

Sorry, OP, the girl he held on his lap was his granddaughter?

So he has presumably fairly frequent contact with her?

Cocobean30 · 11/08/2019 13:13

I can’t believe people are telling you not to say anything! He was touching kids he didn’t even know in a totally inappropriate way, even forcing the little girl to sit on his lap is disgusting and overriding her boundaries. Tell the host and the aunt. But be prepared for fall out from perv apologists Sad

placemats · 11/08/2019 13:37

Donald Trump and his daughter Ivanka. This is not a normal father daughter relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread