To think you should text before you call someone

[Sparklyspoon]

This might just be me but it annoys me when someone randomly calls and doesn't text first to check if I'm free to talk. I would understand if it was something urgent but when it's just for a catch up or something non important I feel like it would be more polite to just text and asked me first

Really? If you can't take the call just don't pick up.

How difficult can it be.

Ridiculous

I agree op, and yanbu.

What’s the point of wittering on about a pre-mobiles age? That hasn’t existed for a long time.

I’m not a great one for long convos on the phone, I’d rather meet up if possible and accompany my chat with tea and cake, and I’ve realised that I do actually do this when I need to have a long phone chat - it’s normally only ever with my sister and we both always text first to ask if it’s a good time/when’s a good time. I would always answer the phone to her anyway so it’s helpful to get a heads up so I can be sat down and know I can commit to chatting for half an hour without having to dash off to do something that needs doing.

What's the point in calling to talk then you may as well just chat by text

My daughter does this and it's irritating. She'll keep texting to let me know this or ask me that in quick succession and she keeps it going for sometimes an hour, or more!

Why the hell can't she just ring and we can exchange all the same information in less than 5 minutes! Plus I'll hear nuances and there aren't confusing typos, or missing punctuation that completely changes the meaning of a sentence. There. I feel better now.

I find phones so intrusive anyway, it's like, speak to meeee, listen to meeee, me me meeee!

They're not actually compulsory.

Although I'm intrigued as to how people function in life when they refuse to answer their phone, ever. Every job interview I've ever had has started with a phonecall inviting me to attend. And when the fraud department of your bank notices that someone has just spent £2000 on your credit card in Brazil, they'll ring to check that it wasn't actually you. And when your car is in for a service and they notice that something needs repaired, they ring to ask your permission before carrying out work you haven't authorised. So many other examples too. I never use my phone socially for a chat but I definitely use it.

@Ragwort no anxiety for me but daily I take anything from 80-200 calls. So the last thing I want to do after work is speak to anyone often because my head is slightly mashed, and my throat is sore

If you’re busy, just don’t answer.

YABVU

strongcoffee

That's why Ive stopped writing to people, I would be so embarrassed to think that a letter could land on someone's doormat when it's just not convenient for them to open it. I mean, I always tried to work out when a letter might arrive,(Ive posted it first class, before the 11.00 collection, should get there tomorrow, oh no it's Saturday, won't get there til Monday, maybe even Tuesday, and I know she goes to Pilates on tuesday), but the stress was too much so now I have taken to putting adverts in the personal column of a national newspaper warning friends that I am sending a text on a specific day and time, or reminding them that it is their birthday and to expect a card.

The nice man from MI6 was very understanding, and I think I convinced him I wasn't running a spy ring.

You could always text to make sure it’s OK for you to write.....

I think it’s rude to ring someone to socialise without giving a heads up or checking they’re free first, but at the same time you don’t have to answer, it’s totally your choice whether to pick up or not. So maybe try see the incoming call as the alert they want to talk and decide whether you’re up for it or not in the same way you would do if someone messaged asking if you were free?

But I voted YANBU because it is rude to call someone without prior warning if you’re going to be annoyed or surprised someone doesn’t pick up. It’s just weird. Don’t know anyone who’d do that.

YABVU
I think quite a few people fee the same though as in my friendship circle I have stopped randomly calling all of me my friends except one as I sense they don't want me to - they tend to ignore the call and don't return it altogether which made me feel upset and rejected so I I figured if I don't call I won't get those negative feelings,

It's sad we live in a world where a phone call is a problem / I genuinely feel this is contributing to social anxieties not helping them.

It's sad

Yabu. I hate phone chatting so i don't answer. If it's urgent people know to follow up with a text stating so and ill call them right back.

Calling is no different from messaging, answer in your own time when it's convenient and if you aren't sure then answer and say you are busy. Even if it's busy doing nothing but relaxing.

I do agree with other posters just don't answer and call back when it's convenient for you. I don't see the issue with that. As long as you do calll them back and don't ignore them then it's fine

OooErMissus, "these days" read my previous post.

At what other time in history were we expected to be instantly available?

This really isn't about calling or texting.

If the OP can't negotiate phone calls, and to do something as basic as decide whether or not to interact with another human being, she needs to go back to adulting school.

This is basic level functioning.

Take the call. Don't take the call.

Basically - grow up.

It's sad we live in a world where a phone call is a problem / I genuinely feel this is contributing to social anxieties not helping them.

Maybe it’s on you though to deal with your own anxiety and not look to people to answer the phone so you don’t feel rejected? My not answering the phone to people who randomly call (not that they would) is zilch to do with anxiety, I’m not afraid of phone calls at all, I just don’t enjoy socialising via them and find them weirdly intrusive as with a message you can open and answer it at your leisure or while doing other things whereas phone calls demand your full attention whenever the caller deems it’s convenient for them (while it may not be for you).

If your view is that avoiding receiving phone calls, avoidance, contributes to anxiety as you’re just dodging the problem rather than acclimatising to it, you could equally apply that to your anxiety and say that by avoiding making them in case they’re ignored you’re just avoiding acclimatising to the feelings of anxiety and working through them and learning that someone not enjoying ad hoc phone calls isn’t a reflection on how they feel about you or a rejection of you as a person.

@JemimaPuddlePeacock

If you read my post again what I said is that it's rejection when someone ignores your call AND doesn't return it.

I also went on to say it's perfectly reasonable to not take a call if you're not in the mood or it's not convenient as long as you return it.

Not returning the call would be considered rude.

When I was young we didn't have mobile phones just normal house phones. You know how that worked? People just rang when ever they liked. Well there was socially accepted times depending on the relationship but you didn't usually pre-arrange a call.

If it's not convenient either don't answer or answer and say sorry you are busy can you catch up later.

This is a weird thing to think about.

I think that it's polite when a person phones for them to say 'is this a good time for a chat?' rather than just launching in, but a text is unnecessary imo.

Why is it rejection though? If someone calls me I wouldn’t answer, I’d send a message or wait and assume if they didn’t message me it wasn’t important or was some kind of immediate issue that was since resolved. Has no bearing at all on the strength of the friendship. I consider it rude to make the call without checking someone is free, it’s just courtesy. Not returning an unsolicited call isn’t rude.

When I was young we didn't have mobile phones just normal house phones. You know how that worked? People just rang when ever they liked. Well there was socially accepted times depending on the relationship but you didn't usually pre-arrange a call.

Yes, and those days are gone and social norms move on. You can’t really compare a society where calling was the only way to make contact other than a letter or showing up unannounced with a society where nearly everyone has the ability to send messages that can be read and responded to at someone’s convenience. It’s like people bleating about how in their day before phones everyone had to communicate via letter, how on earth would a modern day teenager cope? Well, they would, as it’s all they’d know and have access to and would be the norm for them.

Texting before a call is a bit much. In my perfect world phone calls would be banned anyway and people would message or email. Phone calls are the worst.

Haha wow people have been harsh here. I wouldn't say it should be a rule but I have to say I do prefer it when people text first .

I'm four years younger than my partner and somehow in that gap there is a massive difference between how people use their phones. By the time I was old enough to have a phone, texting was very much a thing and people didn't call each other all that much. My partner's family and friends will literally call each other for ANYTHING.

Just a chit chat - phone call, ask one question - phone call, check a date - phone call. And it's any time in the day. My partner is basically always on his phone, we can't do anything without him at some point having a phone call with someone else, and I do kind of think to myself, he has a family he is spending time with, could you not have sent that in a text? Some people do just kind of assume someone is always free to drop what they're doing and talk for ages, my partner's dad will call him over and over if he doesn't pick up until he does whether it's important or not, take the hint!!

If I'm ringing somebody in a professional/health/business context I always introduce myself and ask "are you free to talk now?" I phoned dd's therapist in the week and when I asked the question she said "well, I am on the beach in Mexico but I can talk if you excuse me slurping my pina colada" and it wasn't even lunchtime there!
If ringing family or friends I would expect them to say "can I ring you back, just sitting down to eat" or "gimme five minutes got a poonami going on here"

Completely and utterly batshit bonkers. I would love to take some of you back to the 1950s, you would never survive.

Are you a millennial?