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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp and sofa seating (with a diagram)

169 replies

SofaSaga · 10/08/2019 20:39

So I bought the sofa before dp and I where even together.
I love it. Its my favourite colour and fits the room theme.
I have sever anxiety from a past emotionally abusive and controlling relationship.And I don't like to feel trapped.

This is the AIBU.
dp and I are forever fighting about how he sits on the sofa.
He puts his feet up so no matter where I sit I am trapped by his legs or his feet.
This means I need to ask for him to move his legs every single time before I can leave the sofa.
Or I need to clamber over the top of them.

I am 16 weeks pregnant and I have 2 other dc so I am up and down all the time.
I feel like I am always asking permission to move wherever I want to go.
Plus it's like he is facing me observing me. It's strange.

I have asked him repeatedly to get a footstool or just sit normally. We have discussed how trapped I feel with the way he sits and he acknowledges that's is how I feel.
He will stop for a few days the go back to his old ways.
I hormonal, exhasted and sore today and yet again we have had the same argument as for the 5th time in 3 hours I have had to ask permission to leave the sofa.

Now he is in a huff and I am the bad guy. AIBU?

OP posts:

Duck90 · 10/08/2019 22:14

To me it read like he is new to your household. But, if you are having your second child together, should it not be classed as his home also? I understand your reasons due to the ex, but he isn’t a new boyfriend taking over your home.

Marshmallow91 · 10/08/2019 22:14

My ex started with little things like this... Then it was what I wore, how I ate my food, and how I conducted myself in the home (no pj's etc unless in bed).

He's a prick and ignoring your genuine uncomfortable feeling. Take his side of the sofa and tell him you need it because your pregnant. End of. Actually having a go at him now might save it from escalating when he realises you are the alpha in the household, not him.

Quartz2208 · 10/08/2019 22:24

Yes there are quite a few red flags here - ,money, children (usually dc1?) sitting on the floor, not working and most of all putting his needs ahead of everyone else

WhatTiggersDoBest · 10/08/2019 22:31

YANBU. If he knows you have trauma he signed on for this stuff. I have trauma and need to always see the entrance/exit in coffee shops, restaurants etc. DH just moves even if the waiter tries to seat me with my back to the entrance.

Original poster

SofaSaga · 10/08/2019 22:32

He has been here for about 2 years.
This is something that has always been an issue but I just got on with it.
There has been a lot going on so I think it's now my anxiety is hightened, I am feeling these 'trapped' emotions stronger.

We had a scare with the pregnancy. Also his family have yet to be told about the pregnacy- which will not go down well.

And yes. He has his money and I have mine. We have not merged fully.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 10/08/2019 22:35

Is the money thing because it was your house before he moved in?

Cryalot2 · 10/08/2019 22:36

Sorry , just misread title ( I had a bad fall and bump on head the other day) and thought the word diagram was diaphragm.

Saracen · 10/08/2019 22:36

"We have discussed how trapped I feel with the way he sits and he acknowledges that's is how I feel.
He will stop for a few days the go back to his old ways."

So he agrees in principle that he shouldn't sit like this, but keeps returning to his old habits.

How about putting some obstacle in the place where he wants to put his feet? A tray with a drink, for example, or one of the kids' toyboxes on which you can put a cushion and lean your arm comfortably?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 10/08/2019 22:37

I got distinctly clenched when I saw pic1 - and yes, have been in an abusive relationship previously. I don't think I could stand that feeling of being so hemmed in. My kitchen has a slightly strange layout, and to my eternal shame, I have shouted at DS when I've felt he's blocked me in a corner of it. If my (then 12yo) could understand why I reacted so badly, then so should your DP.

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/08/2019 22:40

YANBU and I understand how past trauma can affect how you feel about things. He is being a dick.

clucky3 · 10/08/2019 22:40

Just kick him every time he does it. Every single time. He should get the message fairly soon.

Aberhonddu · 10/08/2019 22:50

Maya Angelou has a saying, when he shows you who he is, believe him. Your P really doesn't care about your comfort, he wants to sit where he feels entitled to sit and you'd better not complain, or he'll do his absolute best to make you feel uncomfortable. @SofaSaga please do the freedom programme and read the Lundy Bancroft book, why does he do this.
I usually hold back on this type of post, but every with every update it seems to me that this is a clear and present danger of a coercive controlling relationship.

Original poster

SofaSaga · 10/08/2019 22:51

No the money thing was to do with his dm.
She said I was being gold digger by wanting him to pay his way. The irony is she still wanted rent from him while he lived with me.
So we kept our finances separate but he pays more than his fair share finally.
And he is a hard worker. He is using up extra holidays that is the only reason he has been blocking me in the sofa so blooming often.

OP posts:

quizqueen · 10/08/2019 22:54

Why sit where you will feel trapped!

'If I sit where he sits he says your in my seat'. - Tell him you bought the sofa - there is NO his seat.

Or take up sewing and stick your needle in his leg every time he does it!!!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 10/08/2019 22:55

You can't get rid of every thing just because they walk into it.

People can get rid of whatever they like in their own homes. why do you care what furniture OP has?

Coffeeandcherrypie · 10/08/2019 22:57

If I sit where he sits he says your in my seat.

He can’t have his cake and eat it too. Did you used to like where he sits? You need to stop this ‘his seat’ business. It’s finders keepers.

OP, I know you said he pays his fair share but do you mind telling us how much he contributes? I’ve a feeling he is taking advantage of you.

Tonnerre · 10/08/2019 23:02

He has never bought a thing for this house that why I don't believe I should have to buy the footstool.

Well, you can either stand by your principles on that one and carry on being stressed by him for ever, or you can get the footstool. If it makes you feel better, tell him it's instead of his next birthday present.

StaplesCorner · 10/08/2019 23:04

doesn't sound like a particularly happy set up - I am confused about the DC, why would your DC be told to behave not his?

SophiaLarsen · 10/08/2019 23:05

Sorry if someone else has already asked but why do you have a train table?! What is this??

Coffeeandcherrypie · 10/08/2019 23:08

Think a train table is for a toy train and tracks

Skippii · 10/08/2019 23:17

Fork in hand, get your feet off me now.

To be honest if anyone was putting their feet on me without asking. I’d not be happy. We cuddle, have feet up etc, but if it’s not wanted then it doesn’t happen

endofthelinefinally · 10/08/2019 23:27

My mum would have said he has "got his feet under your table", but in this case he has literally got his feet up on your sofa.
We have all come across men like this. They tend not to change their behaviour.

SirTobyBelch · 10/08/2019 23:28

What's a "train table"?

endofthelinefinally · 10/08/2019 23:30

I assumed a train table is a table to play with toy trains on? Or lego/cars etc? (As it is situated in the living room of a house containing small dc?

Speakercube · 10/08/2019 23:33

That would irritate me no end OP! I hate feeling hemmed in( and I haven't been abused I just wouldn't like it) I also hate it if you're talking to a man and they put their arm out against a wall so it blocks you into a corner - it's the same feeling. Also hate feet up beside me. Hope the footstool does the trick.

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