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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp and sofa seating (with a diagram)

169 replies

SofaSaga · 10/08/2019 20:39

So I bought the sofa before dp and I where even together.
I love it. Its my favourite colour and fits the room theme.
I have sever anxiety from a past emotionally abusive and controlling relationship.And I don't like to feel trapped.

This is the AIBU.
dp and I are forever fighting about how he sits on the sofa.
He puts his feet up so no matter where I sit I am trapped by his legs or his feet.
This means I need to ask for him to move his legs every single time before I can leave the sofa.
Or I need to clamber over the top of them.

I am 16 weeks pregnant and I have 2 other dc so I am up and down all the time.
I feel like I am always asking permission to move wherever I want to go.
Plus it's like he is facing me observing me. It's strange.

I have asked him repeatedly to get a footstool or just sit normally. We have discussed how trapped I feel with the way he sits and he acknowledges that's is how I feel.
He will stop for a few days the go back to his old ways.
I hormonal, exhasted and sore today and yet again we have had the same argument as for the 5th time in 3 hours I have had to ask permission to leave the sofa.

Now he is in a huff and I am the bad guy. AIBU?

Dp and sofa seating (with a diagram)
Dp and sofa seating (with a diagram)
OP posts:
30to50FeralHogs · 10/08/2019 21:38

He says you’re in his seat and your kids sit on the floor?! Cheeky fucker.

My DP used to hog the sofa too. I have an L shaped one and no matter where he sits on it. He has his feet up. They go in front of him on the short side, or sideways if he’s on the long side. Drives me mad. I also used to end up sat on the join, which made my hips hurt.

Only solved it by HIM buying a new bigger L shaped sofa, (the L is at the other end ok this one which means ‘my’ seat is now the one with the built in footrest!) even though it’s not his house, because I told him I couldn’t get comfortable on the old one with the way he sat on it.

Your DP either needs to contribute to the house if he’s living there, or move the fuck over and stop calling it ‘his’ seat if he’s visiting. I know it’s hard when you’ve survived abuse - it’s difficult to reset your expectations and to ask for what you need.

You should try and work on your self esteem so that you can ask for the basics like a comfortable seat on your own sofa, without worrying about the fallout. If you can’t do that, either this relationship isn’t right, or you’re not ready for it. Flowers

Fralla · 10/08/2019 21:38

What’s a train table?

Aberhonddu · 10/08/2019 21:39

A question here @SofaSaga is your dp the father of all your children. If yes why are you up and down every 5 minutes, doesn't he take some responsibility for his children or is it "your job"

30to50FeralHogs · 10/08/2019 21:39

And yes, agree with a PP, it’s alpha dog behaviour. Or manspreading at its finest.

VenusTiger · 10/08/2019 21:39

“Your in my seat” should be met with “your on MY sofa”

Can’t you sit where you are in first pic with your back against sofa and legs out in front of you? That’s how they’re designed ffs!

cacklingmags · 10/08/2019 21:40

Disrespectful. Footstool or stick your feet on his head.

SaraNade · 10/08/2019 21:41

@Tracklements Same thing applies though. Tots walk into things. You can't get rid of every thing just because they walk into it. You can't get rid of the fridge just because they walk into it, or a door, or the sofa, or cupboard.

VenusTiger · 10/08/2019 21:41

@Fralla my guess is, it’s a table with low sides on for the kids to play on with their train toys?

ReeReeR · 10/08/2019 21:46

You are not trapped in the second pic OP, from what you have drawn

But agree you should just swap seats and if he says you’re in his seats tell him you are sitting there because the other way makes you uncomfortable

Aberhonddu · 10/08/2019 21:48

All the posters asking why the op feels trapped, she just does, she has enough going on without some gfs asking irrelevant questions

Duck90 · 10/08/2019 21:50

I am guessing that although not trapped in pic 2, it’s the hemmed In feeling with the feet right beside?

Corner couches do seem to lend for one person reclining and the other sitting upright. With out the benefit of comfort from a single seater.

buckeejit · 10/08/2019 21:52

Ask him to a meeting to discuss it & find a solution. If he's not sticking to what he's previously agreed get him to sign it & put it on the wall if needed!

I need to do this with my dh who agrees to cook a tea on one of the 3 days I work but forgets or waits to be told before organising 🙄

Vasya · 10/08/2019 21:54

Tell him you have to swap sides - he will be more comfortable anyway and you will get used to it quickly.

SadOtter · 10/08/2019 21:54

Can't you sit where DP is in your diagram then he can put his feet along the long bit of sofa pointing away from you?

Original poster
SofaSaga · 10/08/2019 21:55

I will try answer as many questions as I can remember.

The dc was learning to walk fell and smashed his face and it took him a long time to try walk again after it.
He was trying to walk at as 10 months so was still little so I just didn't take the chance of it happening again.
Had it been my dc1 it would have definalty stayed in place. And she would have been told to behave

He has been off work on holiday for 4 weeks so i think that adds to the feeling of being trapped as it's not just after work he is sitting like this. It's all day every day just now.

He is 6 foot nearly. And has massive feet.
He is lovely but long and unflexable.

I sit with my legs curled up if that makes sence.

Diagram 2 I don't mind so much but dc1 usually sits there.
Maybe I have been over generous with the length of the longer sofa part though.

I agree with those who say i would never have another corner sofa again. It's so cramped.

OP posts:
YobaOljazUwaque · 10/08/2019 21:56

Obviously this man is an arse and top option is to boot him out, but if that is too drastic then a possible practical solution:

Could you swap the position of the dining table and the TV and have the TV parallel with the wall facing the long side of the sofa.

Then you sit in the corner with YOUR feet up along the short end of the sofa, but slightly diagonally towards the edge of the seat so that your heels are right on the edge of the cushion - you are then keeping your exit route free.

DamnItsSevenAM · 10/08/2019 21:59

He's effectively taking up 3/4 of the sofa area. If you're anything like me, as your pregnancy progresses you will want to be lying down a lot. He can't claim 75% of the sofa space for his own use.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 10/08/2019 22:02

I'm with you OP but in the interest of seeing both sides can you;

A) Have him sit in the corner (instead of you) and his feet coming down the short side of the L facing TV

OR

B) Go halves on the foot stool (would have said he get it but you tried that)

The foot stool is the answer - but who pays for it? Obviously he should but he isn't... does he have a birthday coming up? Grin

TanMateix · 10/08/2019 22:04

This thread should be called “how to position your selfish husband so you can have a r during pregnancy” Hmm

TanMateix · 10/08/2019 22:04

Have a rest

Neverender · 10/08/2019 22:06

Tell him to fuck the fuck off with his fucking feet! And sit in his space...who sits with their legs away from the tv anyway? Weirdo.

SunshineCake · 10/08/2019 22:06

He's doing something that you don't like and more than causes you distress. He knows this and doesn't change his behaviour. Why he isn't your ex by now I don't know. A caring, loving, genuine, non abusive, non controlling partner does not behave like this.

Original poster
SofaSaga · 10/08/2019 22:06

Dp is father to dc2 and dc3-to-be but not dc1.

I really don't understand how he finds it the slightest but comfortable. He is actively facing away from the tv.

We have ordered a footstool online and he says he will pay for it. So we'll see

OP posts:
Original poster
SofaSaga · 10/08/2019 22:09

Oh and the table and the tv cant be switched as there is a door between the 2 to get onto the veranda.
I forgot to put that in the picture.

OP posts:
zeezee3 · 10/08/2019 22:12

@SofaSaga YANBU to be annoyed by his stinky feet, and huge legs dominating the couch.

However, you saying 'this MY sofa that I bought,' and 'it's MY home!' coupled with his saying 'it's MY seat!' does not bode well for your relationship.

You're not married either. Sounds like you are flatmates rather than a couple. Sounds like you have separate bank accounts too (with you saying HE can pay for a footstool!) Yet you're having a child with him? Confused

Bizarre.

Also, why does HE never get up to the other 2 kids?

As I said, bizarre. Doesn't sound like a very good relationship. Sounds like you'd be better off on your own. At least you'd have the sofa to yourself, without this selfish buffoon manspreading all over it.