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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says my family are too over involved in our (unborn) baby - WIBU?

132 replies

ShinyPrettyThings · 10/08/2019 17:53

Have nc'd for this and am genuinely interested in hearing viewpoints.

Currently pregnant with much wanted baby. I suffered two mc's before this.

The pregnancy has been awful - I've had HG since week 5 and have been in & out of hospital at least twice a week for fluids. Now entering the 3rd trimester, feeling much better and beginning to get organised for LOs arrival.

My family are really close knit - lived next door to my cousins growing up and count them plus my sister as my best friends. DC is the first baby in the family for over 20 years. I live 200 miles from them but in touch everyday. Also have a WhatsApp group which DH is part of.

DH has shown no interest at all in "baby stuff" bar finding out sex and colour of the nursery. I wanted a surprise but he desperately wanted to know - I booked a surprise private scan for him. We've gone with his choice of nursery colours despite him and his ex fiancé jointly purchasing a significant item with this colour scheme - bit Hmm but I was just happy he offered something more than "don't care" or "you choose."

I have tried discussing prams/cots/changing bags/names with him countless times - shown him videos - but he genuinely has no interest and changes the subject, so I talk to my family about it now instead. He is now claiming my family are "taking over." Just a few examples:

DM sent us a little package of a few baby grows plus some nice toiletries for me (& a book for DH which he hasn't picked up).

My cousin very kindly sent us a little outfit plus a voucher when we found out we were having a girl. Every time I suggested going to the shop to spend it, something was more important - The Ashes, transfer deadline news, needs to paint the shed - so I ended up going by myself. We had a massive argument when I got back because I didn't involve him Confused

My DSis bought a little baby blanket back from her holiday for us - DH got upset because my family are choosing "everything" for our baby.

Today reached a new pinnacle.
I've been talking to him for months about prams, asked his opinions, dragged him to MC (via Homebase) to look - when I was speaking to the shop assistant about the one I'd been researching, he wandered off. My DSF very kindly offered to buy it for us and this morning it arrived in the post.

DH completely flew off the handles because I apparently haven't consulted him about any of it, again he doesn't feel he has any choice for "our baby", I may have just as well used him as a sperm donor.

I'm really hurt and upset that he feels like this but equally don't understand how I'm meant to communicate with him about "baby stuff" when he shuts me down. I genuinely think he believes she will just arrive and a fairy will magically kit our house out with everything we need.

Who is BU? And if I am, what can I do to involve him more when he clearly isn't interested in discussing anything baby related with me?

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 10/08/2019 17:58

YANBU if he wants to be involved he needs to actually be involved, not just when it suits him. Do you think he will be hand on when baby actually arrives, or will painting the shed still be more important?

Snowfalling · 10/08/2019 17:59

He's showing his true colours now that you're pregnant. This is who he is, sorry to say.

SexFarmWoman · 10/08/2019 18:00

Miserable arse of a man.

LordNibbler · 10/08/2019 18:00

Was he a dick before you got pregnant?

slipperywhensparticus · 10/08/2019 18:02

It doesn't seem like he is a keeper sorry OP

Nautiloid · 10/08/2019 18:03

He just sounds like a bit of a tosser, to be honest. If it's happened exactly as you describe, it's not you or your family, it's him.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/08/2019 18:03

What a dick. Just tell him he hasn't bothered to even try be involved and give him the examples you've set out.

Then tell him he's not just a sperm donor... because sperm donor's don't complain and make like difficult for the mother.

doodleygirl · 10/08/2019 18:03

He is a manipulative arse

SnuggyBuggy · 10/08/2019 18:03

He is being unreasonable. These are normal things for family members to buy and is he can't be fucked to take an interest that's on him.

Smurfy23 · 10/08/2019 18:03

He sounds really immature. Have you pointed out how disinterested he is to him? I would and ask him exactly what it is that hed like to happen? And point out that buying a blanket isnt "everything" a baby needs. He needs to decide whether hes involved or not- he cant not be but expect no one else to be either. It doesn't work like that.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 10/08/2019 18:04

Wow he sounds delightful, I'm not surprised you are feeling so fed up. If he wants to be involved he needs to make an effort and I'd be telling him exactly that.

Don't be surprised however if he turns into the stereotypical Disney Dad once your daughter arrives, it doesn't sound like the 'boring' bits of a baby interest him and babies tend to be pretty monotonous and boring.

pooopypants · 10/08/2019 18:04

Some partners just don't 'get' the build-up to having a baby and I hugely disagree with the comments that do and will say "oh, he's being a dick now and he'll carry on after baby is here". It just isn't the same for him. He isn't growing a human, feeling kicks etc.

Sit him down and calmly discuss it with him. Tell him that you try to talk to him and you do what his opinion but he keeps shutting you down.

PanamaPattie · 10/08/2019 18:05

He’s a total dick. Sadly he won’t change or improve once your baby is here. Sorry OP.

Lemoneeza · 10/08/2019 18:05

Giving him the huge benefit of the doubt, is he not close with his family? That might explain him feeling intimidated by your tight knit bond and angry at his absent family but taking it out on you. Doesn't excuse his poor behaviour but might explain it.
I'm concerned you mention his ex fiancee. Is he still in contact with her?

spinn · 10/08/2019 18:05

Could it be he is trying not to get invested after the previous 2 Mc?

Everything you've said makes me think he is avoiding and the not wanting the presents etc.

I think you need to have a chat with him about what's going on if I'm honest.

Orchidflower1 · 10/08/2019 18:05

So he can’t be bothered to get involved but gets the face on when anyone else does? Nice. Stick to your guns op and tell him straight if he’s not interested in the baby you’ll talk to someone who is.

Is it his first child?

S1naidSucks · 10/08/2019 18:07

Sorry pet, but things are only going to get worse for you. As for him being treated like a sperm donor, maybe he should stop acting like one and more like a father to be.

You need to think carefully if you want to be a relationship with a man who appears to want to separate you from your family. What happens if you want to visit them or they come to you? Is he going to kick off?

AllFourOfThem · 10/08/2019 18:07

YANBU

I would continue as you are with your family because I suspect you’ll need them all the more once you’re divorced.

Snowfalling · 10/08/2019 18:08

Just wanted to add, he sounds like a manipulative attention seeker, and everything you do or don't do, he will turn it round on you. He's insecure and jealous of your family. Please be wary in case he tries to isolate you from them. Whose idea was it to move away from them?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 10/08/2019 18:09

It just isn't the same for him. He isn't growing a human, feeling kicks etc.

Neither are the Op's family but it doesn't stop them being involved. I think its pretty incredible anyone can use that as an excuse. You can bond with an unborn baby in many ways like talking to them and discussing names but surely a huge part of that is working together to prepare for their arrival.

stucknoue · 10/08/2019 18:09

It does depend on how far along you are. If you were asking him about prams and changing bags at 16 weeks I would be with him, if you are 34 weeks then I'm with you. To be honest you could buy everything you need in one trip to a large supermarket, there is no need to go multiple times and most men cannot understand the need to spend weeks shopping when you could order everything from Amazon online.

He is lacking understanding but this could probably have been written about 80% of dad's to be!

LordNibbler · 10/08/2019 18:09

It's ok saying he doesn't get the build up to the baby, but he's actively angry that other people are doing the things that he won't.
So if he won't do it, and he doesn't want them to, how is everything going to be ready for when the baby arrives?
Most men have enough common sense to realise you have to choose stuff and actually go out and buy it even though they aren't carrying the child themselves.

MustStop · 10/08/2019 18:10

He sounds awful OP, why let him trump your wishes of the gender being a surprise? Stop giving him his own way, tell him to grow up and if he wants to be involved tell him to get on with it.
Why are you 200 miles away from family, you'll need them with a partner like this.

Readytogogogo · 10/08/2019 18:11

I'm sorry, at best he sounds extremely immature. Does he have any positive features?

MrsMozartMkII · 10/08/2019 18:12

What does he say when you point out that you've tried to involve him?

Plus, he should be doing some research and suggesting what to buy.

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